A Christmas Carol

Brother Marley was dead: to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. His death had been recorded in the Old Paths Journal, Revival Fires, and on the front page of the Sword of the Lord. Pastor Scrooge had preached his funeral. And once Pastor Scrooge had given a funeral invitation the deceased almost never recovered. Old Marley was as dead as a door-nail.

Scrooge knew he was dead? Of course he did. How could it be otherwise? He was Scrooge’s parishioner for I don’t know how many years. Scrooge was his sole confidant, his sole spiritual adviser, his sole standard bearer, his sole old paths finder, his sole friend, and sole mourner. And even Scrooge was not so dreadfully cut up by the sad event, but that he was an excellent man of ministry on the very day of the funeral, and solemnised it with an altar call such as would be remembered for years.

Feel free to continue the story…

60 thoughts on “A Christmas Carol”

  1. Because that alter call would last all of the day and thought the evening hours until every souls came forward to get right with God and the Mog’s spirit would be satisfied.

  2. Ohhhh, this parody has potential!

    Let’s see. We can use the Santa is Satan sign. We can picket an abortion clinic and scream at the women that they are murderers and sinners. We can go to the university as a ministry team and shout out how sinful and wicked the students are.

    Crutch, the church secretary, has a child with severe illness. We pay her minimum wage, but no health insurance. We take her tithe out of the check before it is cut. We keep the office cold, since heat costs the church money.

    Need the three ghosts.

    Sounds like an exciting project!

  3. Bro Marley is in heaven, and you can be too, if you just say these words with me. It’s simple, it’s free, just for you! Just utter the following words and you’ll be free. Congratulations! You’re now saved. You’re now a child of God. Now here are the list of rules you must follow, and best assume are your position bellow my authority, because as your pastor and as your brother in Christ, I’ve been divinely assigned to keep you in line. Sure, getting saved was easy, but looking like you actually meant it will be the struggle of your life.

    Welcome to the church!

    1. KOACC, I can’t speak for American Fundamentalism but you perfectly described the Ulster Protestantism which was an integral part of my upbringing.

        1. “Big Ian” was a curious mixture of the Good the Bad and the Ugly. I have no doubt about his God-given gifts as a preacher, but like a lot of people he made choices and, because went down paths that were not always glorifying to God. Lets just say I would have had a lot of difficulty matching a lot his attitudes and teachings with those of christ . he had a big influence on a lot of people here, not just those who were his followers. To me he represented both the best and the worst of Christianity. Unfortunately, to me the negatives outweigh the positives.

    1. Doesn’t matter.
      It’s a Fundy rule to claim as a closet Fundamentalist anybody who doesn’t fight back too hard. Washington, Jefferson, Franklin and Lincoln? They all played on our team. Spinoza? Secretly Fundy.
      Shakespeare? Daniel Defoe? Mata Hari? Definitely!

      1. I heard that they are finding evidence that Bard Billy was Catholic. I don’t know how true this is, but obviously if he really was Catholic the fundies can’t claim him. Then again, they say St Patrick was a good fundy, so who knows?

        I don’t; not only that, I don’t much care what religion he was.

    2. I didn’t need to read farther than this:
      ” Today we may think of a carol as a secular seasonal song such as ‘Jingle Bells.’ But Dickens didn’t know that meaning. Dickens is using the original meaning of ‘a Christmas carol,’ which is a song celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. ”

      A carol, in the original meaning, is a type of Medieval and Renaissance dance tune. Carols originally could be for any dancing occasion, not just Christmas. Since we now use the term almost exclusively for (usually religious) Christmas songs, the word “carol” probably has more religious connotation now than it has ever had before.

      Writers who are too lazy to do any research piss me off.

  4. …When all of the sudden, ninjas dropped out of the sky from a stealth helicopter!

    “Give us your dissertation!” They screamed at Scrooge through their masks in distinctly North Korean tones.

    “Never!” Cried Scrooge, suddenly wishing the Sword of the Lord was less Lord and quite a bit more Sword. “Obviously you’ve never heard of this thing called OPSEC!!!”

    “Obviously you haven’t heard of a 230 gr 45 calibre jacketed hollow point.” Screamed the North Korean in the muffled tones of someone who has just flown across the Pacific ocean in a helicopter full of other sweaty men in ninja outfits.

    Not to be outdone, Scrooge whistled between his teeth, and Sheffy came galloping over, his silver blaze gleaming in the dark and stormy night. Scrooge swung onto his back, as the nearly nude blonde female who had been introduced in scene three clung tightly to his back. “Save me, Scrooge!” She cried. “Save me with Jesus!”

    “Amen, sister – now shut up and make me a sammich!” Scrooge exclaimed selflessly, thrusting aside his carnal desire in the name of Truth. He was a preacher, by jolly, and preach he would! He dodged another AIM-9 Sidewinder and spurred Sheffy to a gallop. He had known there would be opposition when he first answered The Call. He tucked his head down and breathed a quick prayer that he remembered Buck praying in one of the 17 Left Behind books. It might be the end of the world, but he would face it with a King James Bible in his heart!

    To be continued…

      1. JHPs are standard fare these days. Modern firearms are not designed to fire non-jacketed bullets. Also, the jacket helps the bullet expand instead of fragmenting.

      2. I was shot by a jacketed HP. Still have fragments of the brass jacket. Once in a blue moon, a fragment pops out of my leg.

  5. And it had been known to Pastor Scrooge in recent days that Ol’ Brother Marley had been scrimping on his weekly tithes to the Lawd as well as falling behind on is committment offerings to the building fund. It didn’t matter that Ol’ Marley had fallen ill and had an myriad of hospital and doctor bills to pay. Because of this, Pastor Scrooge had been preaching some fiery sermons (by the power of the Holy Ghost “of building fund future”) from his pulpit on high for the last few weeks about how you (Ol’ Brother Marley) are stealing from God when you cheat the church on your weekly tithes, even if it is Christmas time or you have bills/debts to pay off. And on top of that , Pastor Scrooge chastisted the congregation, including Brother Marley, during the Christmas service, on the very eve of Christmas, about the importance of sacrificing all (even on presents for the Tiny Tim’s in your life) in order to give above and beyond your normal tithes and offering to the building fund for the 4.5 million auditorium that we are so in need of. Pastor Scrooge had chosen the topic of tithing and special gifting to the Lawd’s church (life insurance policies, receipts of liquidation of stocks/bonds, and your children’s piggy banks will all be accepted) instead of preaching about God’s Great gift of love to all mankind. Through all of this, Pastor Scrooge still gave a mighty fine eulogy for Brother Marley and said in conclusion… “By the way, I’m not angry!” LOL

  6. Maybe we could turn it into a Chick-style tract!
    Bro. Marley’s ghost could appear from the afterlife, warning Rev. Scrooge to give up his judgmental ways. After Scrooge tries to cast out the demon inpersonating Marley, he goes to bed and is visited by three spirits of Christians. The Ghost of Christians Past could be Mother Theresa, or maybe Martin Luther King, Jr. Scrooge would see himself as a teenager being made to burn his favorite CCM tapes or something. The Ghost of Christians Present (Rob Bell, maybe?) would show Scrooge his faithful church members grumbling about him, and perhaps other IFB preachers engaging in forbidden activities, such as drinking wine.
    The Ghost of Christians Future? IDK, a world where the IFB no longer exists? Still working on that one…

  7. But, Bro. Marley really wasn’t dead! He was very much alive! Since he had taken to secretly seeing filthy Hollywood G-rated films a few years earlier, the makeup artists did an outstanding job on the mannequin that was buried at the cemetery.

    Bro. Marley, now just Marley or “dude” had finally escaped Fundystan. He was now free to watch movies and TV, visit restaurants that had bars, attend church once or twice a week (twice only if he chose to), and even skip a service on Sunday if his favorite sports team was playing. He relocated with his family far outside the state, and asked his wife and daughters to stop wearing jumpers and culottes. His son no longer needed to wear a tie to every church event.

    However, there was on fatal flaw in Marley’s plan. He had forgotten that his former MOG had insisted that he be his Facebook friend. Soon Marley was hearing from the MOG, who threatened to turn him to the nearest Old Paths Rehabilitation Centre.

    Now Marley felt empowered! He deleted his FB account, set up a new one under the name of Dude Marley, and continued to live his new life. He was happy, and truly alive for the first time in his memory.

    (I think this is the way many of us feel when we finally leave Fundystan and cross over to the other side.)

  8. Me thinks that the congregrants have been sipping the new wine a little early this new Christmas season !!!!!!

    Fare well to all and to all a GoodNigt !! Wow , never have seen a spectical like this one……..

  9. LOVE IT! one of my faves. I watch just about every version every Christmas. Of course, did read the original, which varies in many ways from the motion picture versions at times.

    1. My favorite version of the story is actually the Muppet one. Apart from being an unrepentant fan of Jim Henson’s wonderful creations, I think their version does not really stray too far from the book. A Michael Caine is great in it.

      1. The Muppet Christmas Carol is a yearly tradition in our house. Even though the kids have all moved out, the remaining two of us watch it. We also annually watch “Ernest Saves Christmas”, and the Bean episode “Merry Christmas, Mr. Bean”. Along with the more standard fare.

        Muppet’s Carol is closer to Dickens than some retellings. Just as their “Treasure Island” was closer to Stevenson than the Disney fiasco.

        1. I used to watch Muppet’s Christmas Carol all the time as a kid, not only during Christmas. Most times, I’d fall asleep during the younger scrooge segment where his lady sings a “boring song about love”. We just bought it again on DVD and I’m glad to say that they edited that part out!

        2. I think the bit where mr. Bean conducts the salvation army band (“God Rest Ye Gerry Mental Men”) is pure genius.

        3. Mr Best, yes, it is. But I think my favorite part is the toy/Nativity scene. All of it, from the sshhh! to the sheep to the Dalek to the helicopter ride.

      2. I remember in high school English class, when our teacher assigned Dicken’s Christmas Carol as our next book to be read/dissected, one of my classmates asked if it was anything like Mickey’s Christmas Carol. Poor English teacher (very proper, old school at that) nearly had an aneurysm.

    2. Brian, you may be a “Fundy” but at least you appear to have reasonably good taste in books and movies 😉
      I hope you have a peaceful and very blessed Christmas, Brian. And that goes for the rest of you too.
      God bless.

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