70 thoughts on “Truth in Advertising”

    1. I looked at their handbook. Are we sure that this isn’t a correctional institution. They have a rule that if one strays outside of the yellow lines going from the dorm to the campus (?), one can be expelled. One must surrender his/her cellphone at 10:00 each night? Rules can be freeky at a lot of fundy schools, but these really take the cake.

      1. In the “Criticizing Convictions” sermon that I summarize in a comment below, Doctor Chancellor Robert Gray II brags that his 19 1/2 year old son leaves his cell phone on the kitchen counter when he goes to bed. Doc Bob sets his convictions pretty high.

        1. His 19 1/2 yr old son probably has a second phone his dad knows nothing about.

          If not, he surely knows how to clear any history and text messages, as well as disable notifications & notify his friends not to use that number after 10pm.

    1. Huh? When I got out of bed this morning I honestly had not even the tiniest inkling that today would be such a momentous day for me. A Baptist college grows up into an irritable seminary and, with any luck, will be able to confer a doctorate on me. And I’m first post, with all the rights and privileges that accrues to such an accomplishment. Today is the pinnacle of my heretofore meager existence. Thank you.

  1. Irritable Baptist Seminary?
    Irritable Baptist Syndrome?

    What hath now been wrought?

    Now that the pseudophysiological condition has been named, fundies can absolve themselves of responsibility for all manner of … yeah.

    1. Speaking of movements: here is the key verse for the IBS Seminary (KJV style):

      Psalms 51:7 Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

      1. The van may be spacious enough to house all the IFB scholars, but unless they are going to use the 1611 KJV for the sole textbook they may have trouble containing the library.

        Just think of the prolific output of fundy pastors–all of the soul-winning manuals, the ever-memorable hagiographical autobiography/biography, the bus ministry idea books, the VERY Word of God KJV defender series, the Watchful Shepherd’s Guide to Controlling Your Flock congregation management series, etc.

        Every IFB pastor is going to expect that his highly-regarded oeuvre be included in the course of study. Maybe a second van is needed?

        1. They need a Baptist Bookmobile for Gratifying Urges of Narcissism– more commonly known as a BB GUN.

        2. Man! This mobile preacher school idea is really coming together. I have a 2003 white F-350 Super-Duty 15 passenger van I can rent out to the seminary until it can purchase its own. Shouldn’t be to long, since IFBers seem to love paying for useless degrees. I can already see the money rolling in.

        3. Sadly, the van would probably have held the HA”C” “library.” When I was there, most times if you needed a book, you went to the public library.

          Many of those here who attended institutions like this grew up in extreme Fundamentalist homes and so had less choice with regards to the type of school they attended. I wasn’t raised in that faith tradition and I became a Christian outside of it, so I don’t have that same excuse.

          Fact is, all of my immediate family, at one time or another, visited that Ultra-Fundy church I ended up joining after getting out of the military. One sister and her husband visited before any of the rest of us did. She was shocked and horrified by the preaching and never returned. Another sister’s “cult detector” went off and her first visit was also her last. My mother was, on the whole, unimpressed by the preacher. Dad even visited with me more than once when he was in town. Strangely, in spite of the fact that he thought everything coming out of the preacher’s mouth was nonsense, I think he may have been entertained by the services to some degree. Possibly for him it was sort of like watching an actor play a preacher in a dinner theater production. He actually seemed disappointed once when the regular preacher’s replacement lacked the fervor of the original.

          You know, nico, sometimes you joke around by saying things like, “But what do I know?” Based on my own past decisions, I wouldn’t trust my judgement or opinions for, well, anything. With regards to Darrell’s joke about the diploma dispensing mobile seminary, unfortunately for the students, diplomas from places like TIBS may come in handy for those suffering from I
          IBS. I apologize for the crudeness. And so this most recent post from Darrell is both funny and depressing at the same time.

        4. “Funny and depressing”–Darrell could make this the little blurb under the blog title. Pretty good summary.

        5. @Ben Padraic – HAC can’t be a real fundy college if you could go to the public library without being expelled.

    1. It hadn’t occurred to me before, but a mobile seminary is probably a great idea for these folks.

      They can drive to your neighborhood, set up shop, take your money and hand out diplomas all in the space of a few hours.

  2. Every once in a while I think maybe I’m being too harsh on the IFB. Like today, when we’re all having a good laugh about that oxymoron “IFB scholarship.” I know there are good and well-meaning people, and maybe even some smart people. Sometimes I just think I should ease up a bit. But then . . .

    I went to the TXIBS page to apply for my honorary doctorate. Nosing around, I came across the Audio Page of the Chancellor’s sermons. (Chancellor Bob Gray II of Longview TX, for those who didn’t know.) I clicked on the first sermon on the list, just happened to be one called “Criticizing Convictions.” Now, anytime the Convictions sermon is preached you already know you’re in for a treat. Doctor Chancellor Bob II did not disappoint.

    He doesn’t let his kids watch Finding Nemo because a “sodomite” does one of the fish voices.

    He doesn’t let his kids watch Popeye because he doesn’t want them to think smoking is ok.

    He will not get in a taxi or courtesy van alone if the driver is female.

    He drives the long way around “evil”-feeling sections of town.

    He believes that one should be in church every service, even on vacation, and tells the story of how once he even went to a Colored Methodist Episcopal church. He didn’t know what C.M.E stood for so he didn’t see a problem with this. His wife, however, refused to get out of the car. All the people had a good laugh at the Chancellor’s gaffe.

    I can’t remember everything else. It’s one zinger after another. All I know is that I, like the publican, am returning to my house of satire justified.

    (I do have a life outside of SFL commenting, really. I’m on vacation and refusing to rise up off of the couch.)

    1. The sermon was about 40-45 minutes long, so I kept thinking, Nico, you fool, you got better things to do. But I couldn’t turn it off. Every minute some new craziness oozed out. He even admits at one point, “Folks, your pastor is weird.” No kidding. Tell us something we didn’t know.

    2. “He doesn’t let his kids watch Finding Nemo because a “sodomite” does one of the fish voices.”

      Only one?

      Actually, if he knew what he’s talking about, he might forbid “Finding Nemo” because it glorifies a species of fish (clownfish) that regularly changes sex, practices serial monogamy (often incestuously), and has a weird, mutualistic, inter-species relationship with sea anemones. Also, the shark scene promotes vegetarianism.

    3. “He doesn’t let his kids watch Popeye because he doesn’t want them to think smoking is ok.”

      But he doesn’t mind if they learn that eating spinach will give them God-like powers.

      “He will not get in a taxi or courtesy van alone if the driver is female.”

      Go ahead and walk, then, you sanctimonious ass. You think those women drivers are anything other than hard-working people trying to earn a living?

      “He drives the long way around “evil”-feeling sections of town.”

      Wait a minute. Bob Gray lives in Longview, Texas, not Baghdad or Culiacan. What does he have to be scared of?
      And why do I have a strong feeling that “evil-feeling sections of town” = places with a lot of black people?

      “C.M.E.” stands for “Christian Methodist Episcopal” (not “Colored”). And I’ve been to some CME churches, and they were just fine, and white people were welcomed. There was nothing inherently funny about going there.

      You’re right, Nico– Stuff like this makes satire impossible.

      1. That’s the truth, Big Gary.

        Well, there is something to the women taxi driver thing. Have you ever seen a picture of the Chancellor? He’s a real looker in a Billy Sunday sort of way; I imagine that any chance they get the wimin are buzzing around him like swamp skeeters on a bloody boil. He probably can’t beat them all off of him, the Jezebels. (No offence, Dr. Jezebel.)

        Then again, it could be his own raging lust he is worried about, and he thinks he might not be able to hold himself back.

        Or maybe he’s just worried about his “testimony.” His students and congregation are looking to him to avoid all appearance of evil, and you know that a lonely woman is a wellspring of evil.

        Behold! I find no fault in this man.

        1. That’s probably the same reason the Chancellor wouldn’t want to be around gay men. They’d think he was some kind of fine and he wouldn’t be safe.

          Damn I miss the emoticons. Sometimes I’m worried folks won’t sense my sarcasm.

        2. One more point–according the the CME website they actually did go by the name Colored Methodist Episcopal. That is, until **1954**! when the name was changed. The Chancellor isn’t old enough to have visited a CME church with his wife before the name change, so you’re right–I think on this one he’s just being a racist dick.

          But that’s irrelevant in this day and age, correct?

    4. Was the Methodist part the problem, the race of the parishoners, or both?

      From what you’re saying, Chancellor Bob inadvertantly put himself in a situation where he was actually outnumbered by Black folks and now he can recount that harrowing and hilarious experience for the amusement of his audience as long as he lives.

      1. I wish I was making this up.

        The way he told it, he was on vacation with his family and suddenly realized it was time for church and he hadn’t planned ahead. So he pulls up to a church with C. M. E. on the sign and didn’t know it stood for “Colored Methodist Episcopal.” His wife knew it was a “colored” church, though, which is why she stayed in the car. He went on in anyway with the kids (I think he says she eventually ended up with him) and no harm was done, except for all the little black children who stared at them like they were freaks.

        You know how IFB preachers are with their embellishing skills. It’s doubtful any of this is actually true, just meant for a laugh and to show just how faithful he is to be in church even on vacation AND EVEN IF IT MEANS GOING TO A COLORED CHURCH!

        Wow. I listened to the damn thing and I still can’t believe it.

        1. The CME experience is how the Chancellor learned to tell where the “evil feeling” sections of town are so he can drive around them. If he sees black faces (no, not “blackface”), CME and AME churches, he feels he’s in the EVIL side of town.

          Racism is so imbedded in the IFB culture (and in many evangelical churches) that they are not even aware of it.

          The old movie, “Places in the Heart” with Sally Field, closes with a scene from the worship service at the country church. The church is filled with blacks, whites, those living, and those who preceded them in death. As they all sing the hymn together, the viewer realizes that this is a heavenly scene.

          I would love to see a true honest to God foot-washing service, where Caucasians were able to use this humble gesture to wash the feet of the descendants of slaves. My, that would tell the world that God is real. Only he could work in our hearts so that would happen.

  3. Wow! Thanks, everyone, for the laughing I did just now. Good thing I’d swallowed my coffee!

    Irritable Baptist Syndrome!

    And did any of you hear about Mike Huckabee’s last speech at CPAC? “I know that the Second Amendment is the only last resort we have in this country to protect all of the other freedoms that we enjoy, and God help us if we ever forget that,” Huckabee said Friday.

    Like a lot of other fundamentalist politicians, he implies that an outright defiance of the government is necessary if they do not get elected to office. Some have even suggested that liberal politicians need to be assassinated.

    His speech was full of God and glory and obedience to God’s Law while, of course, completely ignoring Scriptural commands to be obedient to government. He is full of rebellion and anger that they have not gotten their way and that other people can have freedoms, too. So he presents an oblique threat of killing.

    Funny. I have not heard any liberals threaten to kill conservatives. I have heard a lot of conservatives and Bible thumpers threaten murder and mayhem on their enemies.

    Irritable Baptist Syndrome? Or worse?

    We live in a weird world.

    1. Raymond, you said, “We live in a weird world.” CPAC, the great conservative political gathering, is proof of that:

      One CPAC panelist lamented that young people today have “bought into social justice” and have become socialists;

      Ann Coulter said that the increasing Latino population in the US is like rape: “No, you’re raping me.”

      Another CPAC panelist said people who are worried about global warming should just move to Southern California like him;

      CPAC hailed Sarah Palin as the model female GOP candidate;

      Another CPAC panelist proclaimed “We love white men!”

      A CPAC youth speaker said that Wisconsin’s public schools are the best in the country, then verbally attacked Wisconsin public school teachers;

      Another CPAC speaker urged English-language only in schools and urged “teaching American culture in schools.”

      CPAC Sarah Palin said that Phil Robertson’s “fight was our fight.”

      “Nobody told me there’d be days like these.
      Strange days, indeed–most peculiar, mama.”
      –John Lennon, “Nobody Told Me”

  4. Check out their “Doctorate” program…designed to be completed in ONE year…These numbskulls are insufferable prigs what with all the honorary “Doctors” and such. I shutter to think what they will do when they start “earning” them

    1. Let’s see. A graduate of a tin-pot seminary or Pastor’s Hubris Baptist “University” will decide to forego normal educational channels (as doing Master’s work) and head straight for the doctoral program.

      And thus without any formal university training, even at the Bachelor’s level, we shall have hoards of “earned Doctors” among us.

      They want the honors. They can’t really do the work.

  5. Just closed on our first home so I’ve been distracted the past few days with all of that!

    (Well, that and the resignation of Bill Gothard. Been cheating on SFL with Recovering Grace. Sorry guys!)

    Anyway, TIBS (or “The Bible College formerly known as Texas Baptist College”) was located very close to my hometown of Athens, Texas, so we frequently had their “missionaries” come through on deputation. Around the same time, my mother got in the habit of foisting on me every eligible IFB airhead female that she could find in the hopes that I would be smitten enough to go to Bible college with said young ladies. When I told her I knew what she was up to, she always denied that she was doing this. However, whenever a missionary family would come through that had a daughter of marrying age (a/k/a 18 years or older), my parents would have them over for dinner. It was like the scene in My Big Fat Greek Wedding where the mom tells Toula, “your father has a friend for dinner” and they parade through their dining room a number of not-so-eligible Greek bachelors. Anyway, my parents invited this one family from TIBS to dinner and I was instructed to pay special attention to their daughter. Afterwards, my mother was asking her usual “subtle” questions about what I thought of this young lady and I finally said enough is enough and told her I was not going to EVER find my spouse like that. My mother got extremely angry and started yelling at me about how that wasn’t what her intention was and that I was not WORTHY to marry this young lady because I was NOT a SOUL WINNER. Fortunately, that is the closest I ever came to encountering the world o’ crazy that is TIBS.

    1. DS, you’ve been missed. I know you have ATI background so you’ve been involved with the breaking news over there. The house is a great thing. Congratulations! Home ownership brings a lot of fun stuff. For me it’s been a never-ending project. I just keep remodeling stuff every few years. It keeps me off the streets and out of the bars.

      When I was on the Dallas Police Department (I left there and moved to Alaska 21 years ago) my bride and I used to ride motorcycles all over east TX and we went through Athens many times. Athens and the “Piney Woods” of east TX are lovely.

    2. Athens … home of the annual Black Eyed Pea Jamboree!
      (I may have mentioned I grew up in Dallas.)

      Blessings on your new home and all who enter there. We bought a house about 3 years ago, and it’s been a mostly great thing. It is, indeed, a never-ending project.

  6. I have the book referenced. It was a real eye-opener. Former church was very close to LBT and the college.

    After all of their scandal issues, I’m surprised that they don’t rename the church as well.

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