VBS Day #3: A Memo

Memo: Notes On The Upcoming Vacation (King James) Bible School

Dear V(KJ)BS Laborers:

As we approach this year’s V(KJ)BS I’d like to take a moment to thank all of our workers, especially the teachers from our Christian school who normally get paid to work with kids but are now doing it for free since school is out and they really have nothing better to do with their time anyway. You are laying up treasure in heaven. (On a related note, our members-only food pantry is open extended hours during the summer. Please attend promptly as that week-old bread surely isn’t getting any fresher.)

As you may be aware, this years theme is “KJV Man Rides Again!” Each night the pastor dressed as our KJV hero mounts his trusty pony Byzantine to do battle with various enemies of the Bible such as Wescott & Hort, Barack Obama, and the entire cast of Glee (which I’m given to understand is a TV show). The children will no doubt be very excited to see our hero pastor and the rule about them being quiet in the sanctuary will not be enforced if they want to cheer or ask for autographs whenever the KJV Man approaches.

It is worth a reminder that after last year’s unfortunate incidents with our “Flee Youthful Lusts” V(KJ)BS theme last year, teachers of the younger groups should avoid overusing the words “fornication,” “adultery,” and “evil concupiscence” in their lessons. Any child who continues to have questions about these from last year may be referred to the pastor or the church secretary as they have the most practical experience in that field.

I expect to see everyone present and in their place thirty minutes before the start of each V(KJ)BS day so that we can have a time of prayer requests, read memos from the pastor, and swap “bus kid” stories. My motto is: “To be on time is to be late, to be early is to be on time.” It’s a matter of character.

Let’s have a great V(KJ)BS!

Dr. Reginald C. Crossbench
Youth Director/Sunday School Superintendent/Bus Mechanic
Sound Doctrine Baptist Church

50 thoughts on “VBS Day #3: A Memo”

  1. “Any child who continues to have questions about these from last year may be referred to the pastor or the church secretary as they have the most practical experience in that field.” oh my!!! :lol: :lol: :lol:

  2. I feel sorry for Brother Crossbench, as he will have to clean up Byzantine’s droppings all over the sanctuary.

    1. Nah. Cleaning up is women’s work. :roll:
      Mrs. Dr. Crossbench will be the one to follow Byzantine, as well as to come after any boys who heard guest preacher Steven Anderson’s “Pisseth Against a Wall” sermon.

  3. I was thinking Byzantine is probably played by the long suffering assistant pastor. :sad:

    As for V(KJ)BS well, don’t give our former churches any ideas. You know them, the ones who worship a book rather than a Saviour… :cry:

  4. The “members-only food pantry” is a nice touch, as is Dr. Crossbench’s clarifying that he is only “given to understand” that Glee is a TV show, because he must make sure no one thinks he is well-versed in popular culture to actually know what TV shows are current and popular.

    Likewise, I like that he signs himself “Dr.”, honorary, I’m sure.

    1. I attended a church that had a food ministry. The youth pastor needed to go there to feed his family because he was paid so poorly.

  5. I’m not entirely sure what evil concupiscence is, but it sounds like something I’d be totally down for … :twisted:

    1. I heard a lot about it, but no one would ever explain what it was. I still don’t know exactly what it is, but I don’t care enough to look it up. I figure if it’s that important, as much as preachers babbled about it, they would at least say what it is.

      1. Concupiscence is defined as a longing or lust. Therefore, fleshly selfish desiring off worldly or evil things.

        No, I did not know that until a few minutes ago.

  6. How did a lowly youth directory/Sunday School Sup/Bus Mechanic get an honorary doctorate? I thought that was reserved for people who had more “influence.” :mrgreen:

    1. Member of a hereditary pastoral family, with the family clout to get an honorary doctorate and the bad luck in the web of family relationships to get stuck minding the youth department? While older brother or first cousin gets to gain experience in That Field with the secretary and receive the respect of the community as the Manogawd?

  7. Not sure if I’m in awe of a well written parody or in shock of an actual memo. Fantastic either way. Loved the “now doing it for free since school is out and they really have nothing better to do with their time anyway” comment. I can imagine the control freak that would think and then write that. It just kept on getting better.

    BRAVO – which I understand is some type of cable tv channel

  8. “BRAVO – which I understand is some type of cable tv channel”

    Talking of which, did the Fundies rant against Dallas back in the 70′s and 80′s? There must be some classic sermon rants out there on tape (which I understand had 8 tracks).

  9. “To be on time is to be late, to be early is to be on time” – if I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard that phrase!

    And I have a question – Can concupiscence ever not be evil? :lol:

        1. Or “If a leader is on time he’s late.” I always thought it was so stupid to require people to show up 15 minutes or more early and just stand around wasting time waiting for anyone to show up. :sad:

    1. “WAR IS PEACE, FREEDOM IS SLAVERY, IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH”

      The IFB, faithfully keeping Newspeak alive and well since 1926 where it began with “Murder is Self-defense.”

  10. “…pastor or the church secretary as they have the most practical experience in that field”, all types of awesome for this one!

  11. Ok let’s put this all together:
    Any child who continues to have questions about “fornication,” “adultery,” and “evil concupiscence” may be referred to the pastor or the church secretary as they have the most practical experience in that field. Hence the theme for this year’s VBS, “KJV Man Rides Again!” Where, each night the pastor dressed as our KJV hero mounts his trusty… or is that trustee? It’s a matter of character.

  12. You jest about the church name “Sound Doctrine Baptist Church” but there is actually a church (and associated jail ministry) by that name in Taylorsville, NC. I am distantly related to the pastor and his family, and they really are about as fundie as they come!

  13. Now see what you’ve done, Darrell? As of next summer, most of the vacation Bible schools taking place at KJVO churches will be calling themselves “VKJBS” (in order to separate themselves from the liberal, worldly VBS’s of those other churches), and will feature KJV man. You’re giving them ideas! :lol:

  14. OT: Are there really members only food pantries? If so many members are poor that they need the food pantry in the first place, who buys the food?

    1. Those who can, buy non perishable food items for the pantry and those in need go and get what they need. In my old church in Michigan I really hated how they handled it. I heard this second hand from a friend of mine. They needed some food and the church secretary took them back to the closet where they kept it, it was locked of course. She stood there and watched as they filled a couple bags. There was a limit on how much you could take. You couldn’t take two of anything. I understand that someone might come by and just empty it out but they didn’t need to treat fellow church members this way. They really wanted to discourage people from using this or asking the church for help paying bills by treating them in a shameful manner every time they did. Sometimes it was the continual runaround. You’d ask the pastor and he’d refer you to an assistant pastor who’d refer you to this person who’d refer you to that person. The idea was to run you so ragged that you’d never ask again. Funny I don’t remember Jesus ever telling people to go to this person or that person for help, He helped them Himself. :evil:

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