…and then the intrepid soulwinners ran away giggling and shoving each other in a jocular fashion.
Posted by Darrell
Congrats on the first, kat!
My brother-in-law, a Southern Baptist minister, attended some meeting in Las Vegas. I remember him bragging about replacing the call girl flyers in the hotels with gospel tracts.
So … did he get any calls as a result?
I didn’t ask! lol!
I used to leave tracts in random places a lot, but I must say I’ve never left them in the condom section of my local drugstore. This is really hilarious, thanks for a good laugh this morning!
I saw one once laying on top of a urinal. I removed it.
I would, too, just because it would otherwise be likely to fall in and clog the urinal.
I hate plumbing problems.
I once found one in a port-a-john. It seemed a little sacreligious to me.
Regarding the tract on the right. If someone has to move that one to access the product behind it, I would say they already had help from above.
This comment had me cracking up !!!
What is cracking me up is that your name could be the name of a condom brand.
You should see the tract they leave in the Extra-Super-Gigantic-Humongous-Size condom space.
What tract? “This is the Life!” by Jack Chick?
Truth, bro! *high fives*
Maybe later, the purchasers of these devices may be shouting out to God?
Boy, this on could go down hill quickly…
Best. Comment. EVAR.
a lady in my old church just had on her facebook that she sticks tracts by Bruce Frye INTO BEER CARTONS AT THE GROCERY STORE. It so cracked me up. So, people need the gospel, but SOME people REALLY need the gospel. Shouldn’t she be worried about the appearance of evil, being found stopping at the beer cases in the grocery store???
I think we should arrest people who leave tracts for littering.
The way tracts get tossed around where I work, I agree.
Because, you know, there are sinners, and there are REAL sinners, and the REAL sinners need salvation more so that they can become just sinners.
Well, you want to make sure you aren’t wasting your tracts on the already saved. Those things cost MONEY you know. Good stewardship takes some planning.
Putting them inside the beer cartons is clever.
I guess the equivalent here would be to have the tract inside the condom wrapper, so it falls out when you unwrap the condom.
Or printed on the condom? Nice alternative to the candy-with-Bible-verses so popular with street evangelism missions and youth ministries.
It’s true there’s probably not room for a whole Chick Tract on there, but you could get the Romans Road on one.
Maybe you could get the whole Chick tract on those XL ones.
There are so many more choices these days…it used to just be Trojan…but now you got Magnum, Magnum XL. Haven’t tried Durex yet…
Colored, textured, flavored, lubed, glow in the dark, and yes, even vibrating.
Vibrating? Could be interesting…
What drives me nuts now is seeing that department stores are now selling sex toys in their “family planning” (read: condoms and lubes) section. Not so much that the toys are there, but something about them being from K-Mart makes me go ack.
What did you say drives your nuts? . . . Oh.
Why did I know this would turn into a commentary on condoms?
Why did I know you would comment on a thread about condoms, Nat?
I’m not thrilled w/Durex, personally. There seems to be an inordinate amount of breakage (ouch) or slippage (oops) using that brand. Then again, I don’t like condoms in general because they take away from the experience. YMMV.
I’m a huge fan of condoms for people in nonmonogamous relationships. But for my husband and me? They sucked, lol. I was BFing, though, and I had already gotten pregnant once on the mini pill and wasn’t taking any more chances.
As I tell my youth group kids, if you are going to have sex-use a condom. However, they are not 100% effective. I know because I was the good boyfriend who was prepared for my first experience. Not cool when you discover it broke, and s few weeks later your girlfriend wants to see “Look Whose Talking”. She wasn’t pregnant, but freaked me out.
The problem was my son was in the the group the last time I shared this and one of his friends looked at him and said “Did you know this”. I appologized for not giving him a heads up.
Which is why my kids will be getting the “double up on bc if you’re going to be having sex” lecture. Condoms to reduce the risk of STD transmission and hormonal or spermicidal BC for pregnancy prevention. Too many variables, and while I’d rather my kids wait until they are adults (and preferably until they are married), I’m also a realist, and I don’t want them ending up with a child they can’t support physically or emotionally or a disease that will damage their quality (or quantity) of life.
LOL! I bet they felt so guilty just stopping by that aisle. Brings back memories of when I bought my first pack of those.
What’s even more funny is watching the look on my wife’s face when she has to pay for them at the regular checkout register because self-checkout is broken. …….Priceless!
I am pretty sure condoms were invented by the Devil himself. Horrible things. Of course, I just mean that I hate how they feel (or DON’T feel, IYKWIM).
IA 100 percent.
And I’m pretty sure condoms were invented by Fundies so sex would be even less fun than they already make it.
Get the kind that don’t use a spermicidical lube. The spermicide numbs the skin. (my tongue was numb for twenty minutes!)
The lube makes it slip off.
It’s worth it to get non-lubricated condoms, and apply lube separately (to the outside only).
Wow, lack of condom knowledge. Lube shouldn’t make them slip off and you do need it on the inside. If it’s slipping, buy some that are much narrower at the base (a tighter ring). And all you people that don’t like the way they feel? Use thinner condoms and more lube. And never spermicidal. It’s safer that way because there’s less of the kind of friction that can cause breakage and irritation (which contribute to pregnancy and STIs).
I love the assumptions about condom buyers implicit in this picture … my husband and I used condoms exclusively for a year or so after one of our kids was born. We were married Christians, and we used *condoms*. Oh, the horror! lol.
Not to mention they’re good for backup protection in case of missed pills, antibiotics, etc. Plenty of reasons to use condoms that aren’t immoral.
Darrell, thanks for sharing this photo from your misspent youth.
Hahahaha. Nice one.
Regarding the hover text, I HAVE heard testimony of a waitress who was saved by reading a tract that someone (from out of town) left in her restaurant – she called the church number on the tract, and they called our church.
She came, and joined, started growing… then her divorced husband came, and they undid their divorce.
It was quite a blessing to me.
BUT, she didn’t pick up the tract while buying condoms or going to the bathroom. Getting a tract from a restaurant patron is a bit different.
Nor was it tucked into her twelve-pack or case of beer…
@JoeR — true, but there has been feedback to the effect that given out tracts AT ALL is useless. I think the above, if done by a Christian, is everything people have pointed out.
By the way, it could be that someone was given a tract he didn’t want and thought it would be humorous to leave it here.
If someone actually reads the tracts decorating the condom aisle and gets saved, I hope they videotape the detailed testimony he is bound to give in church – LOLOL!
Hallelujah instead of getting laid I got saved!
(Imagine this in an old-time campmeeting voice)
This made me lol.
Okay, now is it just me or is it a bit presumptuous to assume that a large majority of heathen could be found at the condom aisle?
Grant it, I know birth control for some fundies is the same as partial-birth abortion, but still.
I suppose it’s difficult to think of places to track bomb. I mean, if we’re not supposed to give the appearance of evil, we can’t very well leave them in a strip club or crack house. If we’re in the alcohol aisle, random people who know we go to such-and-such church (because we’re that narcissistic) will think we drink alcohol (Heaven FORBID).
The mental debate can be torture.
Have you been following the Rick Santorum campaign? This opportunity could soon be lost when all birth control is banned.
Thankfully, no. I try to avoid aneurisms whenever possible.
He’s not going to ban birth control. He’s repeatedly voted to fund it in government programs.
I don’t really like Santorum much personally but I do try to at least accurately represent the views of people.
but he is on public record saying that sex is not only to be conjugal but procreative. TMI, dude, TMI. Where does that fit in?
You know, it’s only a matter of time before Jack Chick starts “adapting” tracts for Magnum-wearing audiences.
When I was a teen I heard an evangelist tell how he would hand out tracts in the men’s room. He would knock on the stall doors and hand a tract under to the men who were….ahem…….seated and say “Here’s something for you to read while you’re sitting there”. I thought this sounded like an excellent idea so started doing this as well. In retrospect I am shocked that people actually took the tracts from me.
I did that a few times over about a year. One day I was “knocking doors” in the restroom at Wal-Mart and what I was doing really pissed this one guy off. He came tearing out of his stall yelling at me so I did the courageous thing and took a stand. Just kidding. I bolted as fast as I could go while the angry guy followed me yelling. I ran to the car and jumped in and locked the doors. He stood outside the car and yelled at me for a couple of minutes and then left me alone.
Funnily enough, that was the last time I ever handed out tracts in the bathroom.
Somehow, that type of soul-winning story never makes it to the sermon, does it?
If I ever do use it in a sermon I will have to change it a bit. Maybe the guy got down on his knees in the parking lot and got saved and now runs a bus route at a church on the other side of the country. Also, I would have to change things to where I was less of a weenie.
I’d say that he’s a missionary in Azerbaijan, or some other country no one can locate on a map. That way, you can pad your wallet with donations to “support the mission.”
Genius! Since Azerbaijan is majority Muslim I cannot give you his name or conact info. You know, to keep him safe.
Maybe the guy in the stall was Larry Craig and he was upset because you interfered with his dating scene.
Good grief! I never even thought of that. Here I was a naive fundy teen and who knows what messages I was sending to people.
That story was often told about the late Carl Hatch.
WOW, utterly just wow… I can’t believe anyone would think it was a good idea to bother people while they are trying to take a freaking crap in order to give them a tract!! That is just such a sick idea on many levels. It’s just tacky as all hell. I think you are lucky the guy didn’t catch you and beat you to a pulp (not that I wish that would have happened to you).
I know how to make my first million $$ now!
I am going to develope a Gospel tract specifically for Comdom Displays. It will be like one of those Halmark cards that plays music when you open it, and I’m going to put the Song from yesterday’s post in it!
Honolulu! (*yeah, I went there)
Or you could use a song from Monty Python:
“Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is great
If a sperm is wasted
God gets quite irate”
THIS is the tract they should’ve put there.
Wow. That was a piece of work.
I know that when I’m seeking advice about things, I go visit the neighborhood heroin addict.
And, her dream boat looked like one of the guys from, “Deep Throat”.
And, um, the immune system can break down with other diseases besides “God’s Official Judgment Disease”.
I love Jack Chick.
Oh yeah, especially the line “If you were a TRUE Christian..”
Don’t go to that doctor, either. His only source for medical information is (inaccurate) stuff Focus on the Family made up.
And he tops off his erroneous information with an in-your-face fire-and-brimstone sermon. What more could you want in a medical professional?
Yep. “You’re HIV-positive AND you’re going to Hell. Your bill will be in the mail.”
Wow! I had forgotten about that Chick tract.
On the bright side, if there is one, if you scroll down to the bottom there is a message that they no longer print that tract.
I’m going to have to tell my dad to forget about The New England Journal of Medicine. From now on, the Focus on the Family newsletter shall be his go-to publication for up-to-date medical research!
Yeah, love how the health expert quotes from a 20 year old FOTF newsletter for quality information.
That physician’s doctorate must be from a Fundy Bible college.
What I think is scary is that there *are* fundies who somehow got into real medical schools. There was a doctor at my former church who was like that. Since a lot of fundy women are reluctant to visit an actual gynecologist, they would go to him with their “lady problems” even though he was just a GP. He would recommend that they treat menstrual cramps by reading and copying scripture. Seriously.
I think every woman who just read that wants to track this guy down and kick him where it hurts, then tell him to pray about THAT for a while.
Personally, I go to a female doctor, ’cause seeing a male doctor about girl stuff is kinda like going to a mechanic who doesn’t own a car.
Wow!!!! Scare them straight. Classic.
My favorite quote from that tract:
“God knows I TRIED to warn you.”
I mean come on…the profiling, the leap from you’ve got aids to “you’re dying” (Hello, we’re all dying in some form or fashion) And who asks someone out only to pick them up in 2 weeks!!!!
The doc evidently forgot the part where many people now who are diagnosed with HIV/AIDS are measuring their remaining years in decades. Instead of talking about treatment, he jumped on the girl with “Now that you’re gonna die, get SAVED!” Must’ve been written a while ago.
My parents kept us kids so sheltered we didn’t even have a TV, but they never thought to censor the chick tract rack at the Christian bookstore. I read about all sorts of stuff that I’d never been exposed to before thanks to Jack Chick.
The SPLC lists Chick Publications as a hate group. Due to their anti-Catholic beliefs.
Well, I wouldn’t characterize Chick as a LOVE group…
Wait’l SPLC sees what Chick says about Muslims, Jews, Wiccans, liberals, scientists …
And anti-gay, anti-black, anti-masonic…….
Basically anybody who isn’t a fundy christian.
Why did I just read that chick tract? It was like a train wreck in motion.
Just like a train wreck, a Chick tract is almost impossible to look away from.
I think it has to do with the intensity of Chick’s paranoia.
Wow. I haven’t received a Chick tract (placed underneath my windshield wiper) in at least 20 years. Apparently they’ve improved their art work since then.
at the store i work at they keep the condoms behind a glass case with the razors and pregnancy tests. I always assumed this was why.
I’m sure the Walgreen’s employees especially appreciated the litter left for them to have to pick up. They probably loved it as much has I love ads left on my car (which I make sure I never go to those places), or robocalls from politicians.
I work in a pharmacy. We hate this.
Gosh, I can’t imagine why.
I know of a case where some local fundies put Chick tracks under windshield wipers at the local Catholic church when the people were at Mass. Someone spotted them and then nicely collected the tracts and put them into a large bushel basket, which the priest returned to the local fundy church and dumped them on the pastor’s desk with the admonition “don’t ever attempt to do this again!”
While I’m not catholic, I am in awe of this priest, the guy is totally a man of win.
I freaking LOVE the phrase “a man of win.”
NEVER try to out-tract the people who invented tracts!
Fundy Wars: The TV show where Christians vie in vain to outdo each other in heaping burning coals upon the heads of others.
You know, I think I’d watch that if it were an actual show.
THIS is what happens when a fundy has to make room in his wallet for his condoms.
this is fucking stupid. go bareback or go home.
For each box you take off the shelf, leave a tract in its place.
God kills a cat for each one you use!
Naaah, nobody’s made condoms out of cat guts for years and years now.
But you can get condoms made from sheep intestines. Way better than latex, if you can get over the ick factor.
I don’t want to get on into a lengthy debate on comparative condoms, but the “natural” ones (made of lamb guts, as I understand it) are a whole lot less safe, from a disease prevention point of view. They used to be about the only option for people with latex allergies, but now there are non-latex condoms made of nitrile and other synthetics.
By the way, I was kidding about the cats. Condoms have indeed been made of animal intestines (since ancient times), but never cat intestines, as far as I know.
I thought the only thing made out of sheep intestines was haggis.
I was raised to believe that tracts were soul-saving, but not super-extreme. It’s always about what we do for God because He obviously needs a lot of help. He can’t be relied upon to save anyone without our help.
Much from fundies you have learned young Jedi. Exposed the secret of the fundie god you have.
I never went out “tracting” myself, but the funniest place I ever saw a tract in person was on a large, flatish rock on the side of a snowmobile trail. It was weighed down with a another, much smaller rock. Because obviously snowmobilers will see the tiny bit of paper, stop, read it, and convert immediately.
The condom rack is much funnier.
They should have left behind ‘Doom Town’ by Jack T. Chick. Instant Classic.
You said “left behind”.
hehehehe *said like Beavis & Butthead*
What about the Right behind..heh-heh, yeah, heh-heh
I got a shot in my right behind. It hurt.
Why didn’t I think of doing this instead of throwing out all of my extra tracts??!?
when i was a teen in the reagan yrs i attended a s. baptist church. (yes, i’m a dinosaur.) it was around the time that moonies and other cults were happening. the church pressured all us teenagers to attend this witnessing trainig course and go witness to people all over. my bf at the time was training to sell kirby vacuum cleaners. same sale tactics!!!! LOL i had people run a way from me in horror thinking i WAS a cult member!!! most mortifying year of my life. i was so self conscious i couldn;t remember my sales speech…two very nice ladies wound up witnessing to me like teachers prompting a pre-schooler…
i love God more than ever all these years later. but now i ask Him daily to help me not to embarrass Him. and i try to let my actions be my witness while saying as little as possible.
I still think that’s the best policy. Jesus said a whole lot about what we should do, and not very much about what we should say.
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