148 thoughts on “FWOTW: landmarkbiblebaptist.net”

  1. From the apologetics page. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone confuse “instants” and “instances” before. I didn’t realize that was possible to confuse those 2.

  2. Oh no…I want to read to read the page, but it says 1112 people have died since I opened it! Noooo, I’ve killed over 1200 now! And the vast majority of them are going to Hell! ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜ฅ

    1. Why do fundies EVER wonder that no one is drawn to them, or at least, no one functional??? This SO screams, GOD IS JUDGMENT, MEANNESS, HORROR, etc. ๐Ÿ‘ฟ

    2. Oh… now I have guilt!

      How much of their blood is on my hands? what percentage of them died and went to hell because I didn’t tell them about Christ????
      Answer: None of them

      They died and and went to hell because of their sin. The ones who died and went to hell, and those who will die and go to hell, to be eternally separated from God, do not arrive at that condition but begin in that condition. No one dies in their sin by accident, no one dies in their sin because they were not presented the gospel. (if that were so then there would be ample reason to reject God as unloving, unfair and capricious. If presentation of the Gospel is necessary for condemnation to take place then I submit it would be better if no Christian ever again mentioned the gospel, and we should work to remove all knowledge of the gospel from the world so that no one would be condemned.)

      But… that is not what condemns people to hell. By our very nature we are enemies of God and hate God and everything about him. We not only will not choose Christ, salvation, the gospel and the things of God but we CANNOT choose them unless the Holy Spirit of God draws and does a work of grace in our hearts.

      By now 20 maybe 25 thousand people have died while I have written this. Not a one of them is in hell because of anything I have done or not done, or anything you (the reader) have done or not done. They just died according to their time and will be judged according to their own hearts.

      So… I will not carry guilt by manipulation because people are dying and some are not “saved.” I mourn there are those who die in their sin, and I do try to witness and testify Christ in my life, leaving the results of my testimony up to the one who can save them. But no one will be standing at the Judgement pointing a finger at anyone saying,”I’m going to hell because you didn’t tell me the gospel!”

      1. @Don, I read your comment yesterday and was truly blessed by it. You summed up mans siful condition and his/her responsibility to repent by responding to the work of the Lord in ones life so well!
        I came back today to comment because last night my husband and I were having a discussion with our oldest son about our frustrations with finding a God centered, not man centered church. We’ve been looking for the past year now and haven’t found a church that isn’t riddle with tradions of men or manipulations like, “tithe or you’ll be under a curse” (that was last weeks sermon). These churches we’ve been visiting are NOT IFB. These are non denominational, Christian, Bible etc. churches.
        We left the IFB 7 years ago and will never go back. Unfortunately, the churches we have visited have their own “twists” to Scripture. Perhaps we are asking too much from a church. Call me rebellious if you want, but I won’t go back to a church that sets itself as a middle man between me and God.
        Anyhoo, I digress…
        Your comment came up in our discussion because election came up. After we left fundyland we went to a very good, not perfect, Non Denominational church. We’ve since moved out of state. At this church election was taught. This teaching drove us to Scripture and we believe it NOT to be taught in the Word of God.
        In comes your comment. Your comment summed up what we learned from the Word of God so well, I shared it with my husband and son last night and we were all blessed by your words.
        Thank you, Don, for sharing your insight!

  3. Please allow me to note before I make an actual comment: It is FOUR FREAKIN THIRTY AM here where I am, how EARLY do I have to get up to get a FIRST? And secondly, being sixth is the WORST because I am not close enough to first to bask in any of the glory and not far enough down to have a bunch of comments to read during my insomnia. Ok, now I will go look at the wetsite which was the original intent of the page I believe.

    1. First off, you’re not committed enough and as your Brother in Christโ„ข I’m exhorting you to try harder. “Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain.” This is not an issue of you not trying, just simply not be committed enough. Let us look at Proverbs 31:15-16 “She riseth also while it is yet night, and giveth meat to her household, and a portion to her maidens.
      She considereth a field, and buyeth it: with the fruit of her hands she planteth a vineyard.” So I ask you Sims, how much do you want a first??? Have you considereth what you are chasing? Are you willing to buyeth it with the fruit of your hands? Then riseth while it is yet night.
      Now, lest anyone think I’m being to harsh. I would like to point out that you thought you were sixth. You were not. You were eighth. Be glad. Oh my soul be very glad. Rob M was actually sixth and as can clearly be ascertained through a thorough reading of English Gematria we know that the number 6 is the number of imperfection and the mark of Satan. Sorry Rob M, maybe next time you will be more careful to time your response so as to not be marked by Satan. So fortunately Sims, you weren’t sixth. But you also weren’t seventh which is actually better than first. No, that goes to Miranda who is evidently purified and innocent as the wind driven snow. See the number 7 is the number of perfection and we can now see that Miranda must be the perfect woman. Now all is not lost for you and you are not without hope. See the number 8 is the number of perfection (7) plus 1. Therefore the number 8 means “of superabundance”. It’s perfection plus more. So while Miranda may be as pure as the wind driven snow, you, Sims, are the purer wind that drives the snow. So congratulations on getting an 8. I will continue to pray that you will commit yourself to the task of getting a first simply by working harder. (Proof texts from the King Jimmy for added authority.)

      1. Wow. After just reading that I feel so convicted and so humbled. I DEFINATELY need to go to my prayer bed and close my eyes and think about what you have said here. I feel more spiritual just for having read it. I am happy to be superior to Miranda. She is pretty worthy so me being superior to her is a pretty big deal. I am sure glad I have someone to explain all this confusing stuff to me so I don’t have to actually think or do math on my own. That would be so daunting. This way I can focus my thoughts on what I am preparing for my husband’s dinner tonight, or on volunteering my time to clean the church’s kitchen after the men’s soul-winning breakfasts are over with. Thank you for doing the hard thinking for me so I can just concentrate on the less important leftover stuff that we women get to think about. ๐Ÿ˜€

        1. Now simmer down, Sims. You are operating based on those tricky emotions, which the debbul only gives us to TRICK us! Anyway, you ARE superior to MOI, so that is saying something. It is not saying MUCH, but it is better than nothing.

      2. Wow! I never realized how satanic it was for me to post 6th. I’d always thought from the book of Shoes that the main thing was to avoid any affiliation with 666 and Justin Beiber! Now I gotta watch out for this too!

  4. Oh yes! English Geometria section is pretty spectacular too! John the revelator was DEFINITELY hiding codes by writing his book so that when it was translated 1500 years later into a language that didn’t exist it could then be “geometriad” into meaningful numerology. I believe that’s the special revelation, whereas people reading it in other languages just have general revelation! LOL

  5. What is up with some fundys and their obsession with numerology? They put emphasis on Scripture where God does not place it.

    To me the only numbers that are significant are: 7 days of creation and the 3 days Jesus was in the grave. I think the rest of the numbers in Scripture are just a restatement of facts.

    When people start doing hula hoops to make numbers appear and hidden messages to occur. Christians are made to look like moronic numerologists, who are no better than their satanic counterparts.

    1. 7 days of creation? 7 EARTH days? (as in Sun rising, and going down?

      3 days in the grave? As in three 24-hour days?

      Sorry, the writers of the Gospels were also doing their own version of Gematria with the OT.

  6. Hey, I just saw a little bit of truth on there. On the Site Map it says “We are not interested in your comments or suggestions” Yeah, that pretty much sums up the first 35 to 40 years of my church experiences. ๐Ÿ™

      1. Scorpio and Sims,

        You’re both very welcome. As soon as I stumbled onto this I knew exactly who I needed to share it with.

        BTW, I’ve been lurking here on SFL for months, so I guess it’s finally time I said “Hi Everybody!”

        1. Way to make a 1st impression! Welcome and look forward to seeing what else you bring to the table!

          ๐Ÿ˜†

  7. Oh my. This is some of the best humor I’ve ever read – from this page:
    http://doctrine.landmarkbiblebaptist.net/SchizoWomen.html

    “There are many problems in the church today and I think women constitute one of the main problems.”

    “I tried something several years ago to see what would happen. The whole ministry was gone and I was alone in the house. So I dug out my pants and wore them for one entire day. I could not believe myself. Soon I felt bold, hard, haughty and unfeminine. I was very unsubmissive and I grew worse as the day progressed. As soon as I took them off I changed my personality inasmuch as I felt softer, meeker, feminine and gentle. I was conscious of how I walked and sat. That same year I tried something else. Those were the days of the ungodly provocative let’s-go-to-bed-look fashions. These fashions included the mini skirt.

    I again pulled out one of my mini skirts and my shiny black boots and immediately I felt like a strange woman and I desired to dance and prance. Perhaps you have worn these and did not desire these things. That is wonderful but you were just as guilty because you caused a man to lust or to attempt control over his vision.”

    Wow. Just…wow.

    1. My first question would be WHY did she have a miniskirt and shiny black boots stashed away somewhere? Does she have a second job to make ends meet? Or does she just sneak out in them for lunch with her friends? Enquiring minds want to know.

      1. My second question is more of a comment… What the HECK? Oh, I guess it WAS a question. Wearing pants made her hard and bold and haughty and unfeminine? Wow. So THAT explains it. All I EVER wear is pants! That must explain my hard, bold, haughty, unfeminine attitude… But I doubt by now just putting on a dress is going to help. I think it would take a lot more than that. And if *I* chose the dress it would probably look a just like the miniskirt she has stashed in the back of her closet for the day she finally runs away from it all.

        1. Umm… when I said “All I ever wear is pants” it was not to imply that I go topless. Just wanted to clear that up. (Wish I could blame THAT on George… but I think that was all me)

        2. Neither. The sidewalk in front of the local IFB. Oy, the stories I could tell… the rap sheet… the shameful nights in the cell… ๐Ÿ™„

      2. Exactly! There must have been a reason for her to keep all of that stuff…

        My parents converted to IFB in their 20’s, just like this couple did. However…neither of my parents kept their “hippie clothes” (that’s what they called them) in boxes in the closet. They got rid of all of that stuff. This woman must have some kind of attachment to her previous “life” and maybe that’s why she felt that way when she wore the clothes again. Oh, and I’m surprised she fit in them still…ok, that’s mean, but really, I thought it…

        1. Why did she keep the stuff? Methinks she is a liar. My fib-o meter is going off. I notice this quite often with the fundy women and SAHD blogs. They must feel they can fib to make their point for the Glory of God.

        2. @ mykingdomforahorse: The exaggerations run rampant in both men and women. I can’t tell you how many times the sinful past lives included selling drugs and women. If that were true, every other man out there today would be running one or the other.

          The other big fib was the church that was built on the site of a former nudist colony, and the woman that came in and prostrated herself at the alter because she used to be a member of the nudies, and now was a born-again. The only problem with that story is that I heard it more than once….at different locations.

        3. So, if I want to be saved, must I first sell drugs and women?
          Because I’d rather not, but I’ll do it if I have to.
          Anything for God’s Kingdom!

        4. BG – I’ll take a dime bag of pot, an 8-ball of coke and throw in a couple of hookers.

          You my friend are on your way to Glory. :mrgreen:

      3. Oh gosh, I once got in trouble in high school for wearing knee-high boots UNDER A LONG SKIRT! The skirt had a slit in the back, so when I walked, you could see my oh-so-seductive shapely calves encased in leather. I remember thinking, “If a guy’s staring at me from *behind* while I’m walking, I don’t think my calves are going to be the object of his lust!” Which of course was the reason I wore that skirt in the first place. ๐Ÿ˜ˆ Nothing more fun than causing a preacher boy to stumble, right? And all of God’s hussies said: “AMEN!”

        1. HAY-men!!! (says the floozy who wore fitted tops & hot pink lipstick & was part of a clique of girls who removed their slips after getting to school.) ๐Ÿ‘ฟ

        2. Too bad we didn’t go to school together, then! I was *THE* school floozy. Such a burden to have to handle all those guys on my own! ๐Ÿ™„ Of course, I wasn’t really a slut or whatever. It was just that I was the only one who hadn’t been raised IFB, so I didn’t understand all “rules” (which they made up as they went along, anyway). That, and the fact that I’m kind of a tomboy and prefer male friends, made me an easy target.

          You know what’s funny, though? Girls like us weren’t really much of a temptation at all! The boys who chased after us were just fellow reprobates; the “nice” boys thought we were trashy. They’d been trained to find the demure girls most attractive, and those girls knew it. They played up their “sweet nature” and prim-and-proper femininity just as much as we played up our looks by wearing makeup and more revealing clothes. The aspiring preachers’ wives were every bit as immodest as we were, but in the opposite direction!

        3. I, too, preferred male friends. The girls were too catty and two-faced, and I didn’t play their game.

    2. One positive thing about these sites are the great conversations I have with my mom after I get annoyed by their nonsense and go stomping off to tell her about it. Today, for example, I just had a really nice conversation with her about why she’s OK with wearing pants, and why insisting everyone must wear skirts (every woman, at least!) is unscriptural, legalistic, and probably sexist in some cases.

      1. Well, if women are creating such a problem in the church, perhaps it’s a special revelation: all godly men must leave their wives and become gay. Butch gays, of course, as a man in a skirt is just silly (get right with God, Scotland!).

    3. ‘One of the greatest shocks our girls go through is to have their pants taken away!’

      Someone’s trying to warn us about the crazy stuff that goes on in that place.

        1. As a librarian myself, I implore you to put them back on. As I reach beneath my desk for the secret alarm button….

    4. The particular piece of apostate crapola you quoted was written by the late Pat Williams, the violent, brutal, crude, and semi-woowoo wife of Ron Williams, who runs Hephzibah House. Pat Williams lived an abominably cruel life, wrote like a lunatic (as you can see), and died last year.

  8. Last one for me this AM! The Baptist history page apparently confuses baptism with Baptist? I don’t see any reference to George Washington being a Baptist (apparently their gall was feeling a little faint at that prospect), but just using the fact that he was baptized to prove some point I can’t understand about Baptists being right? I don’t think I can follow this level of the “leap to conclusions” mat this early in the day.

    1. A pastor I knew told me about a time he had just gotten out of college and was assistant pastoring for someone he later found out was a Baptist brider. I know this sounds uncharacteristic for an IFB pastor, but even now he is rather blunt and sarcastic, so just imagine how he was right after college. . . ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

      Well, he runs a busline to the “bad” part of town and brings a whole lot of black and hispanic kids in for a youth thing. The pastor pulled him aside and said “Why’d you go and bring all those n*ggers and b**ners here??”
      “Umm, they need to be saved too. . .”
      “Maybe, but they won’t be at the marriage supper. . . They might be watching, but we’re the ones who’ll be there. . .”
      And as he tells it, “I couldn’t think of anything else to say fast enough, so I looked that guy square in the eye and said ‘Who died and made you God?'” :mrgreen: I just wish I could have been there. . .

        1. i thought Baptist Brides were people who had to be baptised by someone who was baptised by someone who was… and on and on all the way back to John the Baptist. That was what I heard anyway. Yours makes more sense though. Or maybe they believe both.

  9. I liked how some of the letters were doing a little conga-style dance. Or was it a Cha-cha. Either way, it made me have bad thoughts about worldly dance halls and I should go back to bed and repent. ๐Ÿ˜‰

        1. @ Bean
          That what Larkin was trained as: a mechanical engineer. He did blueprints for a living… ergo the Dispensational Blueprints for End Times Prophesy Conferences. From Margaret McDonald’s lips to J.N. Darby’s ear to C.I. Scofield’s theology to Clarence’s imagination.

          And dispensationalism was thereby forever engraved on the tablets of Baptist’s stony hearts as they “Occupy” until Jesus comes and takes them out of this world before anything really bad happens.
          I wonder what Christians in the Nazi concentrations camps would have to say about that? Or Christians in Darfur, or Christians in North Korea, or the Sudan? Ask any American Baptist worth thier dispensational salt and they will tell you that it has never been as bad as it is today and it Obama gets relected then that will be a sure sign the Rapture is about to take place.

  10. Gotta love dat numerology on the apologetics page. Here I have been all my life, thinking God made the Bible clear and plain so all could understand it. Silly me. To understand it, clearly one must pull a Shoes and do strange things with numbers.

    Off to read the rest of this *cough* wonderful site!

  11. ๐Ÿ˜ฏ Just seeing the image above is enough to deter me from visiting the site.

    I will point out that in the graphic of the chasm between man & God, what is supposed to be a cross bridging the gap actually appears to be a path with a stumbling block in the middle. I assume these folks are the block? ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

    1. Argh, OK, I can’t stand it anymore. The rapidly changing, hideous website design… the awful gifs that make me praise God I don’t have epilepsy… the endless misspellings… and that’s not even getting into the despicable way they use God’s Word on some of these pages. I accept that portions of the Bible are not immediately clear on their meaning and therefore different people may end up with different interpretations. However, I thoroughly reject most of the interpretations this site has. Legalism, bizarre mysticism/numerology, the whole nine yards.

  12. 11th!

    (Once you take all the repeat entries and a couple of other formulas taken from the 9/11 article in the Apologetics!)

    I love all the bible codes!

    Especially because I still have my secret decoder ring.

  13. [i]”The common thread in all religions with the one exception of true Christianity is a system of works and personal effort for salvation.”

    “Even most “Christians” today are not resting in the grace of God and the finished redemptive work accomplished through the shed blood of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ on the cross of Calvary.”[i\]

    This guy doesn’t even realize that he’s contradicting himself with his own concluding statement(above)! How many “works” does the IFB teach one must do to “inherit” God’s favor?! Of course they don’t look at is as a means of “salvation”, but it’s the very next best thing. ๐Ÿ‘ฟ

    This quote is also likely the ONLY INSTANCE where you’ll hear anything spoken about God’s “grace” in the IFB context. They totally omit the real depth of grace and trash those who actually understand it’s meaning. ๐Ÿ‘ฟ

  14. Man this guy is wacky:

    1. The New World Order. (Dunh dunh dunh)
    2. The UN secretly controls the world. (Ha ha ha. The UN passes resolutions constantly that the entire world obeys if it suits them. Otherwise they ignore them and there ain’t nothing the UN can do about it.)
    3. The AntiChrist will be a smooth talking European who brokers a peace deal between Arabs and Israel. (This is, of course, based on clear teachings in the Bible ๐Ÿ™„ Don’t know how we all missed it. )
    4. Lots of France bashing. (In my experience two categories of people exist in regards to France: Those who hate it and despise everything it stands for and those of us who have actually bothered to visit France)
    5. John Kerry. (Wow. Way to stay relevant. I wonder if anyone has told him that Obama is president?)

    The worst part of it is that the guy’s name is John Henry so I am going to have that stupid folk song running through my head for the rest of the day.

  15. you guys all crack me up. great way to start the day. “Barbecued Baptist Toasties” – for those who have their doctrine wrong and burn in hell, if I get this right? (I tried to figure it out without actually reading it)
    Well, what a tasteful header (not literally, eee-www)

  16. From the “Apologetics” page:

    “CONCLUSION

    Coincidences? Of course not! The law of probability forbids that. ”

    By the time I got to this I wanted to bang my head against the wall.

    1. Excellent, thought-provoking blog post. I’m so glad I started following Jesus down the slippery slope! It’s definitely scarier (i.e. more faith inducing) than the hedged-in Fundy path, that’s certain. The best part is that without an oppressive MOg to dictate my actions, I am compelled to carefully search Scripture and listen intently to the Holy Spirit’s guidance. And I’ve learned it’s ok to admit I don’t know God’s heart on every matter, as long as I’m willing to keep learning.

      Thanks for the sharing the link. ๐Ÿ™‚

    2. BLESS you for posting that link! I love it, I am all verklempt, and most importantly, I know someone this will bless. I ha ๐Ÿ˜Ž ve already emailed the link! YOU ROCK!!

  17. Ah, Briders! I have heard many crazy things over the years, but this Brider doctrine befuddles me.

    In my IFB college days there were Briders everywhere, and I am not just talking about the guys seeking brides…

    Makes no sense what-so-evah

  18. “Dad will burst his buttons with praise over a pure virgin daughter filled with Godly character if you do it God’s way.”

    Does anyone else think that sentence is kinda gross?

      1. Faintly!? I think it’s pretty obvious.

        And why is the father’s pride all wrapped up in the state of his daughter’s hymen? Why can’t he love and be proud of her just because, oh, I dunno, she’s his daughter? ๐Ÿ˜ฅ

        1. It’s consistent with their view of God. Their god only loves them if they’re good enough, do the right things, and say the right things. Their god is incapable of unconditional love. It’s a weak, hateful god.

    1. ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ^^^^It’s b/c of, of, of…disgusting insanity such as this that I’m not bothering to visit the site.^^^^

      I’ll continue to be shocked, appalled, and sickened from afar, TYVM. ๐Ÿ˜•

  19. If you’re interested, the aleph/tav means absolutely nothing. It’s the sign of the accusative case: that is, the direct object. It designates ‘the skies and the land’ as the direct object of God’s creation.

  20. Guess we shouldn’t call God, God because that’s not God’s name in Hebrew. Or people who speak Spanish, stop calling God – Dios. That is the logic this idiot is using regarding people who speak Arabic calling God – Allah.

  21. To save time, instead of posting each individual bit of lunacy I suggest we cull through his site for what isn’t crazy. That will make a shorter list.

    Anyone notice that the writer is a “”””””Doctor”””””””? I wonder what brand of cereal he dug that degree out of.

    1. My dad’s an actual, real-life medical doctor, and he and another MD in the congregation always refused to address Bible college/diploma mill “doctors” as such, using “Mr.” instead (or maybe “Reverend,” if they were feeling generous). They’d apologize if the person corrected them, but then go right back to doing it. Very passive-aggressive.

  22. I read the apologetics page. The colors – no problem. The scroll – no problem. The content – huh? My head hurts. The number 8? The Word is a Reason? My eyes now hurt. This guy reminds me of the reasoning of Harold Camping. ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ™„ ๐Ÿ˜ฎ Run away. Rescue brain. Oh no. Deep breathes.

  23. I feel queasy. This may be the first Web site to give me motion sickness.

    John Henry used to have an email list (may have, for all I know – they just stopped ocming years ago) that sent out regular messages along the same lines as the stuff in the Apologetics section. He’s just all kinds of crazy.

  24. You forgot the most important part of the recipe — 1992 web design principles.

    When I saw the “February 1, 2012” in the upper-left corner, I thought you added that to subtly point it out. But (upon going to the site), I see that that’s their idea.

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