Information Highways and Cyber Hedges

It’s great to see so many people enjoying themselves today on the blog and the forums. As I look around this site, I can see the community really starting to grow together into a family and that warms my heart. But I don’t think we’ve been called to rest on our laurels and just enjoy each other. Any chur…er…website that isn’t growing is dying. We need to keep on reaching out with our message of hope into the fundamentalist community and bringing in the sheaves.

To that end, today I’d like to introduce a new SFL outreach program that I”mΒ  calling “Webvangelism.” Quite simply it’s taking the good news of the freedom you’ve found here to others and trying to get them and their Paypal accounts to surf on in here and see what we’re all about. Each one, win one, and soon we’ll be overflowing our server limits again.

Now any good outreach program is incomplete without organization so here’s the plan that I’ve drafted for you all. Starting next week we’ll meet every Thursday night at 6:00 p.m. in the chat room for a brief time of prayer and instructions. Then we’ll split into groups of two and go out onto the Internet looking for fundamentalists and posting messages that I’ll write down for you word for word in advance. We’ll do this for a couple of hours (no more than three or four at most) and then we’ll meet back for status reports, war stories, and prayer requests.

Imagine the impact we could have in only an hour a week spent posting on Fundy Facebook profiles, Twitter streams, and WordPress.com comments sections! If you have someone special in mind who you think would benefit from such a cyber visit please e-mail their name to me and I’ll make a personal visit to their URL with an invitation by me or my designated spambot.

For those who are concerned about online safety,Β  Don and I will tackle the job of looking for fundies on seamier sides of tumblr and blogspot since we have the spiritual fortitude to withstand such things without temptation. Or at least I do. Do be in prayer for us that Don will keep himself right and that I’ll remember to watch him likeΒ  hawk.

Now perhaps some of you have work, or families or other excuses for not actually showing up to Webvangelism nights. Thankfully, I’ve been led to start a second ministry for those who can’t make it that they can do any time. I won’t go into all the details here but I’ll just say that it involves sending promotional e-mails to everybody @juno.com

I’ll see you there on Thursday night! I’m excited and I hope you all are too.

138 thoughts on “Information Highways and Cyber Hedges”

  1. I pray that my brothers and sisters in Christ will stand up and help our wayward fundy friends see the errors of their ways. Wonder what kind of crown it will get me? Hope no one thanks me, because God won’t thank me since I will have already gotten my reward on earth!

    Is there a digital chik-crap, I mean tract we can use?

  2. Well, what a great idea this is. Hey can we have testimony time so I can tell everyone here how many people that I truly lead here (with, you know, God’s help and everything)

  3. Darrell and Don, I hope that you will share with us anything horrible you see as you visit the seamier side. Want to be able to pray for those sinners as we see the stuff they are putting out there.

      1. Actually, I have found some of those people have a good head on their shoulders. Not all of those people are still Fundies, and some are Fundy light enough they dont drink the kool-aide. I’ve seen a few threads warning about Hephzibah House and the like. I’ve even seen a thread or two where people put in a good word about this site!

    1. From my fundy background, it seemed that all churches were meeting on Thursday night until someone discover that the prospects, who visited your church, remained hotter prospects if you visited them sooner. Soon most churches were visiting on Tuesday nights.

    2. Many churches switched it from Tuesday night to Thursday night because it was closer to Sunday and they thought there was a better chance of getting their “converts” to church, since there was less time to forget about it. Now a lot of churches do it on Saturday morning to give them even less time to change their minds about coming (if they promise GOD to do so). But Saturdays don’t work, you knock on doors and get no answers because people are either sleeping off a Friday night drunk or out doing their Saturday shopping. πŸ˜€

      1. You don’t have to assume the sleepers got drunk last night. Some of them are sleeping after working a later shift on Friday night. Some are already at work on Saturday morning, or out taking their kids to sports practice or ballet lessons.

        1. BG – you forgot the group of people who are hiding behind the curtains waiting for the door-knockers to leave. And if they are good neighbors they are calling their neighbor to warn them.

  4. Will there be a meal before we go out? I recommend something crumbly and sticky to “test” our keyboards and mouses to see if they are “of God” or “of the Devil.”

  5. I saw myself back in the teen room of my church in Michigan on Thursday night, receiving this kind of instruction from the assistant pastor just after we’d sung “Let’s Talk About Jesus” and yes we had a meal beforehand and given testimonies about souls won the week before (meaning those who had said a prayer with us but had not darkened the door of the church on Sunday of course) and were now receiving our motivational sermon for going into the highways and hedges to bring them in (where? since they never followed through on their supposed decision to receive Christ) so they wouldn’t split hell wide open! πŸ™„

    About having a meal beforehand though, more sexism reigned. πŸ™ One woman came in to do the cooking but she had to leave to take care of her own family at home so guess who got stuck cleaning up every week, putting the extra food away and missing the meeting? The WOMEN of course, who had to take turns. The assistant pastor would put the names of all the women there into a container and then draw out two names and those ladies had to miss the meeting to clean up. Then another had to take home the tablecloths to wash. The meal cost money too, only a little so that wasn’t important, but the women had to help out with it so why should we have had to pay to eat too? This caused a LOT of resentment! πŸ‘Ώ

    Oh yeah and the nursery duty. πŸ™„ Again women were expected to remain behind to take care of other people’s children so the parents could go out “soul winning.” Babysitters cost money, so it was much better they bring their kids to the church and have free babysitters watch them, who then had to miss out on “soul winning” themselves. I drew the line at this. The same assistant pastor who oversaw the soul winning was the Sunday School Superintendent who would’ve jumped down my throat for not making my required Sunday school visits. Oh but I was just expected to do it another time. They think they have the answer for everything but with this stuff they create a lot of resentment. Which even years later I’m feeling. πŸ‘Ώ

    Of course we know this is all my fault, my heart isn’t right with God! No my heart isn’t in slavery to you, Mr. Assistant Pastor! πŸ‘Ώ

    1. when we did Reformers Unanimous on Friday nights, the baby sitters got paid, that was the only way to get any. Of course, all the other workers (for the first 6 years that was hubby and I) were expected to do it out of the goodness of their heart. NO initiative from the church to help out until the last few years.
      My son started Kidz Club, did special music, and ran the book table. And the PA, of course. The funny thing: when the church started “security” (= men with guns and walkie talkies), they came in droves. They like to run around with guns and walkie talkies, I kid you not. They didn’t even need to be paid…. I won’t even mention the time when one of them dropped his “concealed” weapon during the “Beast Feast” outreach meal for men…. Such responsible security guards…

      1. Getting paid? Hah! Oh no, it was like every other form of service, totally free! Your reward was in knowing you had a part in every soul saved since you watched their kids while they went. And God will reward you some day in heaven…

        Yeah right. πŸ™„

      2. I’m not so sure guys who tote guns around just for the fun of it, but can’t handle them without dropping them, are the kind of security guards you really want. πŸ˜•

    1. The spiders alone are enough to convince me that Australia is a Hellmouth. Then there’s the fact that an animal as cute and wuvable as a koala is actually a jerk that doesn’t want to be cuddled. That’s a cruel joke!

    2. Tiarali, tell me what time in Eastern Standard Time you need a partner in crime, er, I mean in this webvangelism, and I will be awake and ready to be your partner. I figure your dedication to the cause deserves my loss of sleep. She says quite piously.

    3. Isn’t it already Friday in Oz? If so, you’ve missed the meeting already. Or maybe you’ve already had it, and the rest of us missed it. This International Date Line business always confuses me …

      1. I got to hold a koala at a sanctuary we went to (I wouldn’t call it cuddling). He was kind of old, and didn’t look like he enjoyed it. He had an expression that said, “Take the damn picture, I’m just barely tolerating you.” There was a much friendlier overweight wombat who let me cuddle him, though.

        1. Well, yes, the laugh IS terrifying, but any guy who could sit through a Sword Conference, and not just deal with that attack on his sanity, but actually REPORT on it coherently, concisely, and hilariously, has got to be made of THE RIGHT STUFF. Somehow, though, this is all mixed up in my head, since Darrell seems to be calling upon you to police people like US, in this instance… I am all confused, but this is my natural state, so I can cope…. 😯

  6. About those war stories: Let’s say a hypothetical SFLer is too lazy to go evangelizing because she has a month’s worth of Hoarders episodes backlogged on her DVR. Could she just repeat a story she heard at another church, throw in some wild exaggerations and a few cliches, and pretend it happened to her?

        1. Lol! Any “My Strange Addiction”? Wonder if they would do an episode on soul winning πŸ˜›

  7. Probably the funniest/most awkward “soul winning” I ever went on was when I was paired up with this older guy in the church, and he insisted on going to the apartment complexes near Clemson University…at 9am Saturday morning…to ask them to come to our Easter sunrise service. Of course, he ignored the “no soliciting sign” (since we “weren’t selling anything”). The few who answered the door were either barely awake or hungover. SO AWKWARD, especially since I was at BJU at the time, so I was the same age as most Clemson students, but dressed like I was 55 years old.

    1. Ignoring “no soliciting” signs is the bane of many fundies’ existences. It sure was with the VBS director when I was a teen in a fundy church! I think they were selling something. It’s called the “get out of hell for 10% of your gross income” card.

      1. This drives me nuts. Our neighborhood is a no soliciting zone, and yet all the various evangelicals and witnesses feel that it doesn’t apply to them. I have a sign I post in the front door that says “This is a Home Office and I’m at Work, Please do Not Disturb”. And even THAT doesn’t work!

        1. Yeah. . . I was going with a student from BCM who was the church intern or some rot like that. And it amazed me what signs he would ignore. . . One house had a sign that said “No solicitors, political workers, or religious preachers.” And my friend said, “Well, we’re not selling anything, partisan, or preachers. We just want to give him a tract.” Ugh ugh ugh. πŸ‘Ώ πŸ‘Ώ πŸ‘Ώ

        2. I used to hang a sign on my door that read “I Work 3rd Shift So I Sleep During The Day. Please Do Not Knock Or Ring The Doorbell Unless It Is An Emergency”. I was amazed at how many people thought their triviality was an emergency.
          I figured I was just getting paid back for all of the people I disturbed back during my door-to-door days.

          Thankfully I no longer work 3rd.

        3. I remember once waking up a woman who worked third shift who could’ve put a note on the door to that effect, “I work 3rd shift so I’m sleeping during the day, please do not disturb…” but she didn’t. She hollered at us for waking her and got even madder when I suggested the note.

          As for the no solicitors note, we were told at the meetings to ignore them. Our message was so important that it overrode their sign telling us they didn’t want to be disturbed. The problem was we maybe thought so, but they didn’t. They didn’t want to be disturbed! After a while I did honor those signs and got told off by my partner but I was fed up with being hollered at. πŸ˜•

        4. My understanding is that “No Soliciting” applies to people selling things door to door and does not include the witnessing for one’s faith.

      2. Thankfully our church respects No soliciting signs. I think one of the worst things a church can do is leave a bit of resentment.

        P.S.
        We also go out Saturday at 10:00am, not Tuesday or Thursday.

        1. Growing up I lived in a very rural area where the schools were often out for snow days but of course the adults still had to work. A particular religious group would specifically hit houses on those days so they could rope in the kids. After mom came home for the third time to find a houseful of tracts, she told me what to say.

          The next time I answered the door, I said, “Oh no, did the quarantine sign fall off???!! Oh gosh, have you had your gammaglobulin shots??” Never saw them again.

  8. Darrell,
    Seeing as not good outreach program is complete/Biblical without a bus ministry, I would like to submit my name for consideration to be the online “Webevangelism Bus Pastor”. I am confident I can reach and be effective to all children and bus parents in the section 8 portion of the internet. I will even give out e-gum or e-candy to them and also have them repeat a prayer after me as much as possible. I know this is ministry so I do not expect to gain much if any financial compensation for this endeavor however, as a former pastor of mine said, I am doing I for Heavenly gain and not earthly. Please let me know if you need references please. πŸ˜€

    1. Your virtual bus ministry must be done just like real world bus ministries. So you must practice unsafe web surfing. Turn off your anti-virus software and only visit the most dangerous malicious corners of the web. Don’t worry, gid you have his hand on your work.

    2. You’ll have to upload a recording of yourself singing determinedly upbeat, silly, and dated bus songs too so anyone you contact can sing along to help raise morale!

  9. Darrell, you kill me. This one will be mentioned in the 2012 Hall of Fame for the year. There is just so much here, I do not even know where to begin ,and this has been a frenetic week of frenetic mornings. THIS POST ROCKS. You nailed it. πŸ˜†

  10. HA–I can’t wait for war story time. I think I still have access to Hyles’ book of “soul-winning” stories. I’ll just evangelistically change something in a new one each week. That way, the dumb sheep will think it’s a new story of MINE!!!!

    PS- should I take it as a sign that the banner ad beside Darrell’s post was for a Creative Writing Master’s degree? They say I can learn script writing, storytelling, and character creation. Why, with that knowledge, I could write my own book of exploits.

  11. I volunteer for the web-Missions program. I plan to spend the next 6-7 years guest-posting on websites to ask for support. I will then spend 1 or 2 years writing on message boards for the heathen, degenerate tribesmen in Wales, Oregon or Alberta before Gid tells me to move back home.

    One potential problem that I see-I don’t have an inordinate amount of children. Do I still qualify for web-Missions?

    I am working on my Youtube presentation right now. My favorite is a soft-focus view of ripe wheat, hungry looking kids and a sunset with “Thank You For Giving To The Lord” playing softly in the background.

    Would you please give? Consider giving up a visit to Starbucks or give up drinking a Coke per month and instead giving that money to me. Did you know that the average Christian WASTES $1,098,261.88 per year on Starbucks and Coca Cola?

    So please give until it hurts. Thank you for this opportunity to share my burden for the fundies of the Web with you.

    1. Wait, wait! Are we talking about the song that goes “Thank you for giving to the Lord. I am a life that was changed!” Don’t you know the guy who does that song, Ray Boltz, came out as being gay?! Now repent of using something new and go back to your hymn book!

      1. Good catch! I was always amused about fundies using that song. My group sanitized that song and “I pledge allegiance to the Lamb”.

        “Thank you for giving to the Lord” used to be a staple of fundy missions conferences.
        I guess they like it because it reeks of “God couldn’t/wouldn’t get His work done without me. He needs me.”

      2. Or “People need the Lord” the only song allowed from that evil heathen rock singer Steve Green.

        Of course once I moved into the BJU orbit there was none of that at all, we would just rock out every verse of “Rescue the Perishing” or “O Zion Haste”

  12. Dear Rev. Dow,

    It’s with great joy that I read about your outreach to the heathen lands of the internet. Undoubtedly these new Christians will need a Testimonyβ„’ right away. I can help provide that. Please contact me if I can, in any way, help claim the internet for Christ.

    Congratulations on your new program. And let me say that your whitewash is remarkably solid. Thank you for being such a beacon of m–God’s workmanship.

    J.A. Jones

      1. I so did that when I was a teenage soulwinner. I knocked on a door and to my dismay they only spoke spanish. Then I remembered I was wearing my wordless bracelet and I had just gotten back from a mission trip to a semi spanish speaking country. I knew the name Jesus and God in spanish and I knew a few lines of Heaven Came Down and Glory filled my soul in spanish. I walked away feeling like I had done my best and that there was a new Christian. πŸ™„

        1. Once they hear that you called Portuguese “a mixture of Spanish and French,” the Brazilians may not let you come back there. πŸ˜›

        2. That reminds me of a time we had some ferry kids from a Guatemalan family in Spanish Harlem. (Manhattan members like my family would meet the Manhattan kids at designated metro stations, then escort them to the ferry for the trip to Staten Island. Yeah, and you thought your bus routes were a mess!) Anyway, these poor kids didn’t speak English very well, but a deacon’s wife is trying to talk to them. She finally gets them to tell her that their family is Guatemalan. Then she turns to my (Puerto Rican) stepmom and goes, “Nayelis, where in Mexico is Guatemala?” πŸ™„ SMH

        3. That reminds me of a conversation I had with a co-worker.

          She (looking at a map): Gary, where in Japan is Singapore.
          I: Uh … Singapore is not in Japan.
          She (unfazed): Oh. What country is it in?
          I: Singapore is a country.
          She: Oh. My nephew lives there.
          I: ❓ ❓ ❓

  13. There should be a Spanish ministry as well.
    We should love and appreciate them even though we stick them in the Sunday School room with the mold, you know, the one the regular folks won’t set foot in. Hey, is that asbestos?
    We will provide them with their own van, good thing Jose knows how to fix carburetors.

    Important point: No matter how hard they work, how much they give or how many people they bring to church we should always make them feel like invited but not quite trusted guests who should be grateful for the scraps we toss them.

    Does anybody know why Jose is going to the SBC church across town? After all we did for him………….ingrate.

  14. LOL! Now I know why I’ve been getting so many spam emails! πŸ™‚ The cynic in me wouldn’t quite let me believe Darrell was serious…but it was close call at first. Well done sir! 😎

    I volunteer for the online biker ministry director position. πŸ˜‰

  15. I hereby volunteer my selfless service to the blossoming of the Spanish Ministry. My sufficient skills in the dialect of our Southern neighbors will surely be used by God to reach the millions of Latinos, legal and not, with the unpartial love of Christ. In fact, I feel called by God Almighty to translate the entire text of the 1611 AV of the Holy Scriptures into Spanish so our English impaired sojourners of this blessed land may truly be saved under the only verifiable Word of God.

    Miranda, you can be my “secretary” πŸ˜†

    1. Lol, that reminds me of when this one girl in my Spanish class asked if the Spanish Bibles we were required to buy were KJV. The teacher said, “Um, no. You can’t really translate the KJV into Spanish.”
      I just rolled my eyes and started counting down to how many more days were left in the semester.

  16. May I suggest that we fast and pray for these dear lost souls instead of having a meal beforehand? That way nobody will be left out. It will negate the need for anyone to be on kitchen duty and make us feel more pious at the same time.

    1. Or how about eating at home beforehand? Or having someone do the cooking who can stay and finish the job? Or having MEN help out with the clean up? Oh, did I just say something radical? They ate didn’t they? But they got out of the work scot free because kitchen work is women’s work. BULL PUCKEY!!!!! πŸ‘Ώ

      1. “For even when we were with you, this we commanded you, that if any would not work, neither should he eat.”
        2 Thessalonians 3:10

        I’m a good cook, by the way. :mrgreen:

  17. I’m introverted – I’ve been know to translate creation website articles, and yes, Hovind seminar, into German. Somebody come and shoot me.
    Of course they ignore the no soliciting sign, that makes them think they’re soldiers in the battle. Yeah, I just broke the law for Jesus. Well, sort of.
    In a Christian way.

        1. A-haha! Ich habe das jetzt erst gesehen. Das ist glatt. Lebt ihr in Amerika? Und seit ihr hier der IFB Kirche ins Netz gegangen? IFB gibt es in Deutschland ja wohl kaum, ausser in Nuernberg (??)

        1. As long as it says King James that’s all they care about. They don’t really care about the actual content… like you said it’s foreign to them.

  18. Do we get the groovy lapel pins? You know the ones with the fake microscopic colored shards of glass that indicate if you’re a Really Serious Soul-Winner, a Part-Timer, or merely a Poser? Cuz, if’n there’s no jewelry, I ain’t doin’ it.

      1. The ones they gave out at my church were “GO” pins. They were tiny lapel pins. I think they were put out by David Wood’s ministry. For your first soul won in the trainer/trainee program you got a bronze GO pin, for 25 you got a silver one and for 50 you got a gold one. I ended up winning them all, but naturally very few of those people ever darkened the door of the church even once. πŸ˜₯

      2. I’m afraid so. They’re really ugly, completely fake, and go with nothing in your closet (sort of like most deacon’s ties). Usually, they are awarded in awkward “ceremonies” right before the special music on Sunday morning. Just another perk of being in the Super Cool Soul Winner’s club. I wish I was making this up. Sigh…

        1. Though admittedly, am still working on the twitching and writhing. The drooling… hey, what’s wrong with drooling????

        2. And, upon reflection, it looks as if George thinks we are all in clumps like sour milk instead of little balls. STUPID GEORGE! CURLED, not CURDLED!

  19. …and you know after an hour of hijacking their FB wall they were finally gloriously saved when they updated their profile with how they had prayed the sinner’s prayer (that I had posted on their wall). I had been posting Phil Kid, Jack Hyles, Sam Gipp videos from godtube and youtube for a week now on their wall. Everyday I had sent them emails for them to repost if they loved Jesus. Now that Chick Tracts are online I sent then links in email and on their wall to just about every Chick Tract that I could find online.
    I am so glad that they are now saved. It took being online and updating, and posting almost 12-14 hours each day for a week but they finally got gloriously saved.
    I have already began posting on another friends FB wall. Pray that I will be just as effective with this one.

  20. Well, of course, I will do my outreach from the safety of my butt cushion, which along with my superior Christianhood, I will, of course, win more than everyone else.

    (and there’s no one to prove that I didn’t)

    1. So far I have had 10 saved, 12 have been Calledβ„’ to preach, one has surrendered to be a missionary in the frontier of Tacoma Washington where there are no Independent, Fundamental, King James preaching, sin hatin’ standards keepin, preaching of the true word of God… and one dog has been delivered from perminent dain bramage after being a distraction while I was typing a PM that was leading one of my converts through the sinner’s prayer. Gid moved mightily in todays postings!!

        1. Yeah, but one of mine walked up on two of yours while they were kissing and making out. Mine pointed out what they were doing was a sin and she proceeded to actually led both of your young men to the lord and they got “gloriously saved. So I’m at +2 and I get the bonus points for one of mine saving your two false converts, and mine gets the Brokeback Mountain superbonus. Clearly my pyramid evangelism is superior to yours, besides with keeping all my accounts short, Gid loves me more better. πŸ˜‰

        2. Yes, but I found your Gloriously Saved in a closet doing the nasty with one of your Potentials, so obviously his conversion didn’t stick and he led astray the Potential. So, you’re minus one there. Not to mention, my butt cushion alone has converted a few.

          So, there we are again, and Gid likes me more than you.

        3. Betrayed by her own typing fingers… see by your own admission Gid only “likes” you… he “LOVES” me! *game, set, match* πŸ˜‰

  21. Well, you’ve all convicted me. I’ve decided to go to every forum I can find on the internet and make a new account, posting links to SFL in the signature, and then trying to make a post on whatever threads I can find, no matter how old they are. And because I intend to do this right, I will, at considerable personal sacrifice, do this in broken English. When I will continue to monitor these forums, and when they ban me, I will make a new account, and do it all again.

  22. Is there a virtual church nursery?? You can’t expect moms and dads to leave their little ones unattended while earnestly seeking the fundy lost. I mean, where else are little children of the world going to learn to grow up in the Lord’s army? Yes sir?!?

  23. Can I just say that if you do this, I would absolutely participate. It would be the greatest collective troll I have ever been a part of. And by “troll”, I mean “serious outreach service”, of course. πŸ˜›

  24. As a former youth pastor, I volunteer to be the β€œWebevangelism Youth Pastor”, reaching the younger crowd via Facebook and You Tube. I will take applications for a cool, female “ASSistant” 😈

  25. Can I be the “silent soulwinning partner”? I will go along with someone as they do all the talking and stand to the side praying for their souls. Hopefully the avatar of my head bowed in prayer will be enough to touch their heart and get them gloriously saved from a sinner’s hell. And because of my silent service I will still get a portion of that reward in Heaven!

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