Fundy Sex Week Day 1: In The Beginning

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In the beginning, God made Adam and Eve. Then God said “Have fun, kids! Make lots of babies!” And so Adam and Eve had lots of boisterous and frequent sex and then their offspring did the same and humanity in general has been following suit every since. Not surprisingly, it’s how pretty much every single one of us got here. Most of the world’s inhabitants have figured this out and consider sex to be a normal part of life that requires no particular embarrassment.

But as we are all aware, fundamentalists are not like most of the other people in the world. While the rest of the world is off loving and being loved and enjoying what life has to offer, many fundamentalists are sitting on their icy mountaintops like frigid Grinches, sneering at the rest of the world and despising their merriment — for nothing that is fun and exciting could possibly be godly or allowed.

So somewhere in the mists of time, fundamentalists passed an unwritten rule that the only time that sex should be spoken of is to decry its sinfulness and to proclaim the message “don’t even think about it!” And preachers across the land took up the call to demonize sex wherever they could find it whether on television, or on billboards, or on the cover of the Ladies Home Journal. And the congregations of fundamentalism grew so ashamed that they would not even speak the word “sex” instead using cumbersome euphamisms or vague hand gestures or gulping down the last syllable so the word sounds like “sect…*gargle*.” And fundamentalists stood ever on guard lest any mention of the act should be allowed to enter a person’s mind via a book or a movie or a shampoo commercial.

But all this repression wrought in them much frustration and in despair and they turned that frustrations outward, expending their frantic energy in pastoral ministries and missionary positions around the world. And upon hearing all their cries of impotent rage, and seeing the their determination to go it alone, the rest of the world marveled at the angry fundies and often remarked among themselves that maybe fundamentalists would all be nicer and happier people if they would just get laid once in a while. But they did not and so they were not.

But it was not so from the beginning. For God created them male and female and it was very, very, very good. For it is written “Woe unto them that call good evil and evil good.” It’s not the world’s fault that you’re unhappy because you’re doing it wrong.
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132 thoughts on “Fundy Sex Week Day 1: In The Beginning”

  1. Fundies think premarital sex is the worst possible sin EVER. They spend so much time and effort trying to prevent it, they drive people crazy in the process. Or they just drive their children away from them.

    How high does the fence have to be built?

    * No mixed swimming
    * Can’t ride in an elevator alone with a member of the opposite sex
    * Must have chaperones
    * Room mates of opposite genders ALWAYS have sex πŸ™„
    * Courtship!
    * Dress girls/women frumpy
    * Keep kids ignorant about sex – especially about contraception options
    * Refuse to vaccinate (gardisal), cause that is like giving them permission to have sex
    * No dancing
    * The biggest concern about a college is “How strict are the standards?”

    Crazymaking it all is!

    Why is sex so much worse than stealing, pride, lying, and idolatry? Why does it get top billing?

    Crazymaking it all is just trying to keep up with it all.

    1. I once drove clear across the country with a girl. It took us three days to make the trip. And yet somehow she did not get pregnant. In fact, the most physical contact we had was that she walked on my back because I was sore so I rubbed her feet in return. GASP 😯

        1. Amazing isn’t it? I guess the only thing that stopped us was that we were both mature adults who were not thinking about sex every other second. No wait! It couldn’t have been that πŸ˜‰

      1. she didn’t get pregnant from the foot rub? I’m just confused at this point. I thought for sure that was one of the millions of ways babies are made.

    2. No, they don’t drive their children away, it just causes them to be more curious, after all, sex is now the infamous forbidden fruit!!! Voila, an unwanted pregnancy – what a surprise πŸ™„

      1. Or to be incredibly sneaky…AND curious. I never did have the unwanted pregnancy thing (by God’s grace) BUT I did learn pretty much all the gory details from a medical encyclopedia. Ironically, it was on a bookshelf in the room I was staying at for a week when I was 13…. VERY enlightening week.

        1. GEORGE! C’mon man….give the new guy a break. bookshelf in the room at my grandma’s house! Jeeez…. George, I am gonna start calling you Orwell for your gross censoring of my posts due to content…

          Either that or Steve Jobs… ZING!

    3. Yeeeah my Pastor warned me about having a male housemate soon – you know “appearance of evil” because unmarried men and women should never co-habitate. Right… because because I’m going to have sex with every guy I live with.

      1. I’m putting up a roommate from across the country while he does a grad internship. He’s got the third floor (two bedrooms, one bathroom) all to himself. He asked me a few weeks ago, “So…my girlfriend wanted to come out here for the 4th. Could she stay in the extra bedroom here?” My fundy instinct (curses upon it!) went “Ack! You and your girlfriend in my house while I’m at work all day? NEVAR!” But then my mellow side kicked in – they’re both adults…and besides, whether she stays at my house or at a hotel, if there’s any hanky panky in the cards, it’ll happen in either case, and in neither case would I be responsible. So sure, she can stay at my place. Gave me an excuse to get more furniture for the second guest bedroom. πŸ™‚ Ultimately what they did or didn’t do was conveniently filed under “Not My Problem.” Give the kids some space. Geez.

        1. Yeah, seriously. I’m not as fundy-fied, so when my pastor said, “What if he brings in a girl and they start to have sex?” my first reaction was, “Um, it’s none of my business?” I don’t get it – I’m not the sex police.

        2. It worries me that some men think other men can’t possibly have friendships with women. Do they think every male friendship they have is sexually charged? Do they believe men are so dang horny they can’t really be close to anyone except their romantic partner without having sex? Can’t even share a house with someone? 😯 Sorry, but I think better of the male friends I’ve had. I guess that’s where the “no-you-can’t-be-in-a-car-with-your-cousin” rule comes from. Obviously, you’re going to have sex. With a family member. I’m shocked that they let siblings travel to school together.

        3. For me, a big part of growing up was working out what behaviors by other people are or are not my problem. Fundies (and, probably, religious people in general) tend not to make that distinction.

          Examples: Other people using drugs: Not my problem, unless they drive.
          Other people randomly shooting guns in crowded areas: Definitely everybody’s problem.
          Sexual activities of consenting adults: Not my problem.
          Rape, family violence, or abuse of children: Everybody’s problem.

        4. @Naomi – While I think there is room for legitimate friendship between men and women, in my personal experience I can’t really believe that men and women can be close friends. In my experience (both within and outside of fundyland), all of my male “friends” either ask me out or stop maintaining the friendship once they get a girlfriend… Granted, maybe once I completely leave I’ll be able to broaden my networks a bit, but still. That having been said, I do think that males are more capable of self-control than fundies believe.

        5. I used to attend a BBF church that was large enough it had six full-time pastors. In addition to the MOG, there was a music pastor, a youth pastor, a children’s pastor, a senior citizens’ pastor, and another pastor whose title I can’t remember. The senior citizens’ pastor’s children were grown and moved away, and his wife had died, so he lived alone in a family-sized house. A twenty-something man on the worship team needed a place to live, so the senior citizens’ pastor let him stay rent-free in what amounted to an apartment in his finished basement.

          The twenty-something apparently started bringing his girlfriend there for sex when the pastor wasn’t home. She got pregnant. The church fired the pastor, but kept the young man on the worship team.

  2. All the women’s books my PW lends me stresses putting sex on your “to do list” and mention nothing of enjoying it. If in a healthy marriage sex has to be put on your “to do list” you might be a fundy woman. πŸ™

      1. How Passion and Purity made the cut to be acceptable for youth groups is beyond me. Maybe it was written with good intentions, but the sections that deal with the later parts of the Elliots’ relationship *cough* run too disturbingly close to voyeurism. 😳 And I was taught the objective was to stay as far away from the cliff edge as possible…

      2. Sex on a to-do list? I am really, really, really thankful to God now that that all of the would-be interested guys from fundy church never worked out. Because listening to these stories – there is no way, no how I’d want to get married to a fundy in a fundy church.

        1. The even sadder part is it’s not limited to Fundamentalists. The book I was given to “help me grow spiritually” was Elizabeth George’s “A Woman After God’s Own Heart”. Basically your entire life becomes a glorious, godly to-do-list that lets you know you are really becoming holy. No thanks! Being set free from sin to serve God creates a joyful heart of service towards my neighbor and towards God. Same attitude of freedom for the marriage bed. Sex is a gift from God to be enjoyed between husband and wife. My husband is unsaved and if I approached our bedroom with only a dutiful, frigid attitude he’d be really disappointed and it would be a sorry witness too. For all those recovering Christian women taught to stifle actually enjoying their husbands…
          I Corinthians 7:4 seems to level the playing field. πŸ˜‰
          PS- when are we actually supposed to take this to the forum, I am long winded and a little embarrassed. 😳

    1. Ok, so I finally looked at my copy of “The Purity Principle” by Randy Alcorn which I had failed to read when I received it back in college. I skipped to the chapter on marriage. Wow. You guys are all correct.

  3. Fundies don’t have to mention the word sex because it’s not in the Bible. Sex is preached against and if it’s between a man and a wife it is referred to as being “known”.

    Ah

    1. yeah, sometimes my hubs and I look at each other and say “I know you…” with a wink. Other times we say “yada yada yada”, the Hebrew word for “know”. It’s better when there’s other people around who think you’re talking about nothing.

  4. My boyhood pastor went ballistic when the other churches in town sponsored a Christian sex-ed program — railed against it and wouldn’t let any of us go.
    However, he and his wife had five kids.

    I never could quite figure that one out. Virgin births, maybe?

      1. I heard once of a fundy church that had a Christian “abstinence” group come in to speak to the teens. Well, the main speaker mentioned the word “sex”, and the pastor quickly interrupted, pulled them aside, and said they had to leave because he had “no idea they would use graphic words like sex in the presentation.” True story.

    1. And that is such a shame! Our Christian school had the local Christian crisis pregnancy center come in and do a wonderful program on sex and dating when I was a teenager. It gave frank, accurate information on how reproduction works, different types of birth control, and abortion. It also talked about healthy dating vs. unhealthy dating, peer pressure, and ways to have a good time dating without having to get physically involved. None of the information given was designed to scare the crap out of us, which is especially remarkable considering this was when AIDS was first coming out. I wish every public and private high school had such a program.

      1. How wonderful! I am still searching for a conservative Christian sex-ed book that I read long ago when I really needed something like that. It was very frank about what puberty does to one’s ability to reason and the power of sexual desire in all adolescents. (This pastor hadn’t heard of asexuality apparently.) It talked about how not to set each other up for “going all the way,” by dating in groups, avoiding intoxicants, etc., with little or no talk about girls “making” boys horny by existing. It even suggested masturbation before school because arousal during school hours was a form of teenage hell, especially for boys. All in a very plain style without the constant undertone of “wow, you’re bad even to think this way, you bad bad horny sinner” that I would have expected from such a book.

  5. My cousin went to Hyles-Anderson, which was just an couple hours north of where I went to college. As an MK with my parents overseas at the time, I didn’t have many options for where to go for holidays, so I asked my cousin if I could go home with him for Thanksgiving one year, since I was pretty sure I could get a ride to the Chicago area. He said he would “check.” I was puzzled, but I let it go. A couple days later, he said he had checked with the dean and some other bigwig at HAC, and they had vetoed it. Apparently, two cousins driving home for Thanksgiving together is a perfect recipe for illicit shenanigans.

    1. Why was the school involved in family business? I guess I can’t see why the cousin felt he needed to ask, and why the school thought they had any business whatsoever to say either way.

      1. They apparently have very strict rules about who of the opposite sex you can be alone with in a car – spouse and parents/siblings and that’s it. Cousins don’t make the appropriateness cut, I guess. My Dad was pretty ticked about it, and he tends to be more tolerant of his family’s fundyness. Obviously my parents would have preferred that I spend Thanksgiving with family, but HAC’s silly rule kept that from happening. (I ended up going to a friend’s house.)

      2. My hubby got expelled from HAC for visiting me at my home during Christmas vacation because he didn’t get a pass to do so. If a girl wants to buy pantyhose on a day when she can’t make the Walmart bus she must get a pass and have 2 other girls with her, one must be an approved girl….

    2. Maybe this fell under the “appearance of evil.” See, what if the two of you had stopped at a gas station, and the attendant saw just the two of you get out of the car, and then he noticed *gasp* that neither of you were wearing wedding rings . . . how was he supposed to know you were just cousins? You just sent that poor attendant to hell with your testimony.

    3. It’s really hard for me to get my mind around an atmosphere where a college-aged person would feel the need to ask his school for persmission to drive somewhere with his cousin (or anybody) during a school vacation. Even more stunning that the school would say no.

      And people just accept this? 😯

  6. I heard a lot of sermons about Noah’s sons and how they saw his nakedness and knew him…and that God cursed the black race because Ham was the ringleader of this homosexual/incestual relationship! ROFLMBO! Lots of fundies are bigots as well!

      1. Yes, it’s called the Hamitic curse. You can find more details about it in Scofield’s original notes on that passage. Of course it’s bunk but fascinating nonetheless.

        1. Oh I know about the Hamitic curse (bleeegh) but I never knew it was supposed to have anything to do with homosexuality.

    1. I remember sermons on that subject too. While at the same time, the pastor tried not to “offend” any black members in the congregation. It was pretty uncomfortable…

  7. And you wonder why a large percentage of fundy women are frigid..First you tell them that sex is BAD, then you tell them that sex must be given to husbands every 48 hours or they will explode,
    then you tell them that if your marriage is struggling and your husband leaves you or has an affair it is 100% the woman’s fault.
    Then you sent completely mixed messages about the marriage bed- like sex is a a duty to perform so you will not lose your man. “Sorry girls it ain’t about fun…its work! Keep THAT MAN.”
    Sigh…
    the BEST thing that ever happened to my married sex life is when I walked away from fundamentalism. Wild,fancy free and fun. 😯

    1. “then you tell them that sex must be given to husbands every 48 hours or they will explode”
      I am OK with this teaching and would be willing to amend the instruction to every 24 hours….
      Any other guys with me on this? πŸ˜‰

    2. Green Eggs and Ham mentioned on the recent culottes posting that fundy attempts to desexualize women only serve to hypersexualize them. This is even more apparent in a “courtship” situation with stringent standards on affection. If all physical affection can supposedly lead to sex, then it’s all sexual, and therefore all bad. I hate how much damage that kind of Gnostic thinking has caused. πŸ˜₯

      (Fortunately, my fiance and I are decidedly not Gnostic, even though we’ve had to comply with certain standards which have lessened since our engagement. :mrgreen: )

      1. Thank you.

        The whole hypersexualizing is just creepy.

        Cousins can’t ride in cars together.

        Pre-teen girls must wear appropriate sleep-wear so as not to be tempting. JUST WHO THE HELL WOULD THEY BE TEMPTING, ANYWAY?

        Being required to cut up a banana to eat it. Were the men required to cut it up too? Or is the homoerotic imagery a bridge too far?

        Eye contact IS sex and therefore must be avoided.

        This is all heartbreakingly destructive.

      2. Green Eggs and Ham mentioned on the recent culottes posting that fundy attempts to desexualize women only serve to hypersexualize them.

        See also: Fundamentalist Islamic attempts to wrap women up in beekeeper’s outfits so they won’t drive men INSANE WITH LUST BY THEIR VERY EXISTENCE. It doesn’t work, of course.

        At the exact opposite end of the spectrum, there’s the ongoing “SlutWalk” demonstrations, where women dress up as sexy as they want to, in an effort to remind men that someone dressing provocatively is NOT an excuse to rape them. (The fact that some idiots apparently DON’T find this truth to be self-evident really makes me depressed for my species.)

        1. As I’ve said here before, I have NEVER needed a woman to be “provocatively dressed” before I could lust after her.

      1. let’s not get ahead of this weeks agenda… that may be coming.
        Brother Peter Puller may share his thoughts on that topic this week. george has heard his sermon on “Pulling a big Boner, Unwanted Teen Pregnancy, how to avoid it.
        But let’s see what direction this week takes us before george gets ahold of Brother Peter.

        1. My dad (an ex-sailor, NOT a fundamentalist) referred to it as “Rosy Palm and her four daughters”.

  8. I am an alumn of a fundy college, Heartland Baptist in OKC, OK, and I am removed from the fundy movement and have been for some time. I am a Student Pastor and I for one have no problem talking about sex with our young people. I mean seriously people, why in the world should the “church” (term used very loose) remain silent about it when nobody else is. My fundy dad tried having the talk with me when I was 15 years old and by that time I knew everything and could have given him some pointers. πŸ˜› My point being is that if we remain silent and/or put little fundy spins on things like staring into eyes and crap like that people get a real distorted view of what sex was meant to be. God made it to fun, passionate, enjoyable, etc. So many times I remember hearing it preached as a bad thing when in reality God made it to be a great thing. I make no bones about talking about sex with our teens because they should know how great of a thing it is and how God intended for it to go…..from a non-fundy view.

    1. “people get a real distorted view of what sex was meant to be. God made it to fun, passionate, enjoyable, etc.”

      Well, that’s the problem. From what they say, I often get the impression that Fundamentalists think that while God created Man, He subcontracted out the pink bits to Satan.

  9. “… expending their frantic energy in pastoral ministries and missionary positions around the world … ” I’ve heard of the ‘missionary position’, but what is the ‘pastoral ministries’. I haven’t tried that one yet. LOL

    1. I was about to ask the same question.

      But then I figured, given the topic, that it meant “Not Satisfactory for Women” and he did use the term “potentially” just before it. I guess it depends on how deeply fundy the woman is! 😳 😈

  10. I’d be interested in what the unwed pregnancy rate among fundy youth is…

    I know in my own denomination, it’s quite high…obviously something is missing in all those “don’t do it young person” sex chats.

      1. That is an amazing article. The part about how chastity is romanticized as a means of making women subservient is breathtaking in its insight.

        The author connects the dots between bad sex and bad sex roles.

        1. I heard something about that recently, too.

          I think it is general law that a woman cannot give consent if she is intoxicated. I believe I learned that in my college (non-fundy) general health class. So even if it had been ‘consentual’ it is still technically rape just like ‘consentual’ relations with a minor would be.

        2. I seriously can’t imagine wanting to have sex with someone who wasn’t conscious and have that be healthy, mutually enjoyable sex. I believe you’re right about intoxication. If someone is so drunk that they’re not going to get much out of it, and maybe not even remember it, why.on.earth would you want to have sex with them? Alcohol in large quantities also impairs sexual function, which could make sex painful. So I don’t really see how looking for sex with drunk people could be anything other than wanting sex without caring about whether the other person wants to have sex or whether it will be enjoyable for them. IOW, rape.

  11. Here’s what this ridiculous frigid fundy attitude produced in my ex: a man who was still a boy emotionally, uptight with his own wife, but had an extreme need for female approval and therefore engaged in much phone and internet sex with strangers. Oh, and lots of porn. He was both obsessed and repulsed by sex.

    Notice that the key word here is EX. Fundy views on sex almost destroyed my life. Thank God I’m free now.

      1. Thanks! I’m going to be fine, but this topic hits close to home because I believe it was the root of many the problems in my ex and his family. I’m hoping that this week will be educational for me and maybe fill in a few blanks!

  12. My Fundy dad did make a valiant effort to tell me about sex once or twice, but kept leaving off key parts by saying “I’ll explain more about that when you’re a little older.”

    Fast forward to a few months ago when I was visiting my fundy family while in a fledgling relationship. My still-at-home younger brother and sister were throwing around a baseball in the front yard as I was just about to leave to leave my family to pick up my girlfriend for a date. As we were saying goodbye, my mom said, “There’s something else I was going to tell you…”

    “Don’t worry Mom,” my younger brother said, “I’m sure he already knows about the birds and the bees.”

    “Of course I do!” I said. “Why else do you think the encyclopedia was on the bottom shelf while we were growing up?”

    “Oh, you looked it up too?”

    The expression on my dear mother’s face was priceless. And well worth it.

    1. My fundy parents nailed this one, and I am very grateful to them for it. They taught me about sex, and they also taught me that once I was married I should have it, often, and enjoy it every bit as much as my husband would. Thanks mom and dad! Twenty years later, we still act like teenagers! *giggle*

      Oops, I just realized–perhaps I should have used another word besides “nailed”.

  13. After I was expelled from BJU for going to the beach I got an apartment in town. Still had a lot of friends at school who would swing by. So ineveitably there started to be some girls. Some very curious girls. One girl told me she wanted to give me to her friends as a birthday gift. In retrospect, a lot less rules would have been broken if they’d kept me in school. What I learned was how FREAKED OUT a lot of the girls were, but curious at the same time. Once trust had been established, a lot of fun was had. Sorry if that’s TMI, but it fits the narrative that a lot of the women say was their experience.

  14. Love that Song of Solomon is “allegorical”, which requires everyone to ignore the fact that he had 900 women on stand-by to make “sweet love” to anytime he wanted. Yeah, why would a guy with that setup ever write about a woman’s body, or sex with a woman? Sex was probably the last thing on his mind. LOL

  15. I was out of town for several days (minus my hubby) and when I got home that night my 7 year old son knocked on our bedroom door and yelled “Dad, are you spanking mommy now?” while in the back ground we heard our 2 teenage daughters saying “Shhh….mom hasn’t seen dad in 4 days. You know how she gets, as gross as that is!” 😯

    Probably not even related to this post but it was too funny since my kids spent the past 5 years in fundyland and school….I guess we haven’t ruined them them with fundy-sexology :mrgreen:

    1. That’s nothing, my 3-year-old busted my wife and I in the shower practicing water conservation. The wife made a desperate attempt at shooing her back to the living room all the while she’s saying, “hi Daddy…are you in there Daddy (which she knew because we both panicked and looked around the curtain when the door flung open).”

      We convinced her that we were hugging. πŸ™„

    2. When our kids were pre-teens, and would knock on our door on Sat. morning, my husband would yell out “We’re having sex!” They don’t knock on our door anymore.

  16. buhahahahahahhahahahahhhaahahhah!
    “For it is written β€œWoe unto them that call good evil and evil good.” It’s not the world’s fault that you’re unhappy because you’re doing it wrong.

    OH SO TRUE.

  17. Okay, again, forgive my tardiness. I’ve been on limited internet, but am catching up.

    Ooooh, but the stories I could tell about my former fundy marriage and dutiful sex.

    Explains a lot of why I’m so crazy now, and why HF wonders sometimes if I’m going to kill him.

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