I love you, and that’s why I hate you.

I’m totally separated from the world so I can reach the world.

I’m have a mind that is so chaste and pure that I constantly obsess about sin and impurity

I’m humble and I’m so proud of that fact.

I have total freedom in these chains.

I need only the treasure laid up in heaven for me so give me your tithes and offerings here and now.

I am at peace in Jesus so I fight endlessly with those in Church.

I study to show myself approved through honorary doctorates and fake degrees.

I have the joy of the Lord which is why I’m so angry.

I’m am your servant leader which is what makes you my slave.

I am a fundamentalist who can’t remember the last time I actually cared about, talked about, or preached about the real fundamentals.

196 thoughts on “Contradiction”

  1. I like the last one, and it helps distinguish fundamentalists from FUNDAMENTALSITS

  2. I think only about spiritual matters, which is why I obsess about the current political situation, how bad things are getting, my right to own guns, high taxes, and every victory of the Democratic party.

    1. The Republican Party has taken Jesus hostage, and He’ll be released when their demands are met…

  3. I believe my rights as an American supercede my responsibilities as a Christian.

    1. I believe in robotic, ant-farm, forced salvation that’s why I never look at any new testament books except Romans, and then only about 8 verses.

      1. Because The ominipotent Creator God of the universe’s power to choose whom he will is trumped by man’s free will choices.

        (John 13:17-19, John 15:18-20, Acts 9:14-16, Acts 10:40-42, Acts 13:16-48, Romans 11:6-8, 2 Timothy 2:9:2-11, Titus 1:1-3, 1 Peter 2:4-10, Revelation 17:4, John 6:69-71, John 15:15-17, Matthew 22:1-14, Mark 3:13-14, Acts 1:1-3, Acts 1:23-25, 1 Corinthians 1:26-31, Colossians 3:11-13, 2 Thessalonians 2:13-16, 1 Peter 5:12-14, 2 John 1:1-3, Ephesians 1:1-14)

        1. No not calvinism. Just pointing out that many verses through out the New Testament speak to God’s chosing men rather than men choosing God. How many did Jesus have to say “Follow me” to more than one time? If Jesus is God and God is immutable then why does God seemingly change the way in which he calls men unto himself?
          But you are right this is a better topic for the forum and I will take it there week after next when I get back from vacation.

        2. I didn’t start it, those honors go to polished shaft.

          The message for free men with free will to call upon the Saviour for salvation is just such a good message, that I never tire of it, it is the entire theme of the New testament, and the reason why Jesus came to planet earth, “to seek and to save that which was lost”

          Eight misunderstood verses in Romans doesn’t change God’s plan of salvation for mankind.

  4. I will spend my career fighting against every scholar, reasonable Christian, and common sense the King James Bible, yet won’t study it for more than 5 minutes.

  5. I like to bellyache about other religious people’s practices and traditions (while disregarding cultural elements that really don’t have to do with celestial brownie points) and dismiss them as “works”, while I abide with a laundry list of how I’m supposed to act as a Fundie Christian.

    While being smug about how low maintenance in ritual my church service is.

  6. Our family doesn’t “go” to movies…we redbox.

    Not one drop of alcohol has ever touched these lips…but I do love binaca.

    Every word in the King James Bible is perfect…except in the Gospels where it says that Jesus turned the water into wine. It should say grape juice.

    1. Mu family doesn’t “go” to movies, my uncle gets us pirated copies and we watch them at home. (Actual statement from a teen at Christian day school.)

      1. JustExhaled wrote, “My family doesnโ€™t โ€œgoโ€ to movies, my uncle gets us pirated copies and we watch them at home. (Actual statement from a teen at Christian day school.)”

        Some of those pirated copies have been cleaned up to remove sin, so passing them around (or selling them!) is a now a ministry.

  7. I love you and that’s why I yell and scream at you from the pulpit about things you’re not doing enough of so you can be as holy as I am.

    Oh yeah, and after I yell and scream those things I hide behind the Bible by making claims such as “if you disagree with me, you disagree with God” or “one day you will get right with God and realize I am right”.

  8. Well know, this so accurately reveals why I am so very neurotic! I finally escaped just two short years ago, and I feel like I am still just in the beginning stages of unraveling all this junk. Here’s hoping that maybe one day my brain will finally be “normal.” Eh, who am I kidding?! ๐Ÿ˜•

    1. I’ve only been out six months and have decided neurotic is still far better than being trapped within. ๐Ÿ˜Ž

      1. Life on the outside of Big House is good. Welcome.

        I have Canadian beer, BTW. But here in Canada we just call it beer.

  9. Jesus said that loving God is the greatest commandment and loving my neighbor is the second greatest, and that’s why I hate Moslems and Gays.

  10. I have to convince you that you are a completely depraved, sick, wicked, evil person that single-handedly caused Jesus to die on the cross. We call this the Gospel. i.e. the Good News.

    1. Actually Jim, that’s the Bad News. The Good News is that even though the depraved and wicked part is true, Jesus lived a perfect life and died a perfect death on your behalf.

      You can’t have the Good News without the Bad News.

      These are hilarious! (in a sad way)

      1. I suggest that you can have the Good News without the bad news.

        God’s law is good news. God’s law reveals sin.
        I need to tell them about God’s law e.g. the ten commandments
        I need to tell them about God’s love e.g. John 3:16.

      2. The fundy version of this is: I need to tell you that you are a horrible person. The good news version is that God’s law is good. So good, that life cannot be lived without violating God’s law.
        It is a different perspective.

      3. Jim E. that is a lawful use of the Law against sinners but only if the Gospel of Jesus Christ is the solution. Peter shows us in Acts 2:36-38. Thanks Eric for swooping in with the Gospel. Without the reality of sin in front the cross makes no sense I Cor. 1:18. The problem with most Fundy presentations of the Gospel is that they attach all sorts of contingencies on it right after you believe just to make sure we don’t get too excited about grace. Many fail to understand that the Gospel actually sets Christians free too; not just the guy raising his hand for the first time.

        1. Sin is a theological and social construct developed to control the laity.

        2. But in John 16:7-11 Jesus talks about the Counselor He will leave after His Ascension. It’s the very Holy Spirit of God Who convicts men of their sins so that they may repent and believe. In Romans 7 Paul addresses the struggle with the sinful flesh in the born again believer’s life; this struggle will not end until we receive our glorified bodies. I John 1:6-8 explicitly discusses the person who may be tempted to say they are past sinning and says “the truth is not in them”. While a christian is truly forgiven our fellowship is broken and we grieve the Holy Spirit when we choose to live sinfully and it can bring temporal consequences because the “wages of sin is death” Roman 6:23. Thus Holiness teachings will find no footing in Scripture, nor can Pelagianism or the disregard for our original sin nature that controls us unless we are born again. This is a topic that would probably be best in the Forum.

        3. @k

          I’m not making a theological statement. I am making a sociological statement.

          I also recommend paragraph breaks.

  11. Every battery has both a positive and negative post. After you hear that quote, you know the whole sermon will be negative, as are most fundy messages.

  12. Home run! I’m considering posting the whole thing as my fb status… ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. If your pastor speaks, it’s as if God is speaking (not sure what he said after that b/c I was knocked unconcious from my jaw rebounding after it struck the floor. ๐Ÿ˜€ )

    2. “You can talk directly with God! Through your pastor.”
      Don’t you mean Pope?

  13. SOOOO glad I found this website – you guys make me feel “normal” again!! ๐Ÿ˜‰

    Let the little children come…but dont let them come at all until they are old enough to be at the “age of reason” and guilted into coming to the weekly alter call to the same people over and over again….

    1. Deb wrote, “Let the little children comeโ€ฆ”

      Let the little children come BUT do no let them be in the service until they are old enough to show enough respect for the mannogid by sitting still and quiet throughout the entire 90 minute service. Now ushers, you help me with this!

      1. UTBF – I prefer my kids to be in children’s church. I want them to be free to wiggle, and learn a lesson at their own level. I want their experience at church to be positive. I remember seething while sitting through the service. Oh, wait. That was when I was an adult. ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

        No, really. My 5 year old is OBNOXIOUS when she knows people are looking. I would never get anything from the sermons. And I don’t need my kids subjected to some of the emotional nonsense going on at the altar. ๐Ÿ™„

        But I’m in charge of children’s church, and we make it a fun learning time. It’s not just babysitting.

        1. Sometimes I did not want my infant in the nursery, but that was seen as rebellious.

      2. I am not against nurseries in general…just the manditory use of them.

        I remember people putting sick kids in the nursery – especially on important days, like conferences, where they felt like they just couldn’t stay home and miss out. There were many times when the nursery was understaffed, but we were just supposed to “trust God” with our children. I know of one time when they gave a baby the wrong bottle…and it wasn’t formula.


        Oh, but we have the BEST nursery in the world! And any noise might distract the preacher and the listeners and someone might not get saved because of it…Ushers, can you help us with that baby, please!

        1. I love Children’s Church and cry rooms. I am 6 months pregnant with my third, and I look forward to going to the cry room to be able to nurse during the sermon, but not miss out. They have low lighting in there, comfy rockers, and we can hear the sermon, and on weeks they have communion they will bring it in (usually a woman)so we can still participate. As for Children’s Church I agree that kids should be able to learn on their own level. This weeks sermon at grown up church was on Gluttony, last 4 weeks were on sex, I would rather my kids be learning their own lessons than sit through sermons that will most likely be over their heads.

        2. I agree about the mandatory nursery. And I agree about sick kids. I teach Sunday school, so there are times when my husband keeps the kids home for SS, and brings them to church. I take them home and he stays for church (he leads the service). We have some elderly people who are on chemo, and I’m always thinking of them. Sadly there is a lady whose kids have snotty noses all winter and she never keeps them home. ๐Ÿ™

  14. I’m your pastor and I love you so much that I will pass on all your faults (those you’ve told me about and those I think you may have) all along the Fundy Pastors’ Gossip Network so they can all pray for you.

    1. Iโ€™m your pastor and I love you so much that I will pass on all your faults (those youโ€™ve told me about and those I think you may have) all along the Fundy Pastorsโ€™ Gossip Network so they can all pray for you

      …or as your pope/pastor, I will include what you’ve told me in my next sermon, in a slightly veiled way, of course, so that only those who know at least a little will realize it’s you I’m talking about.

      I don’t know whether to laugh or cry over this one. ๐Ÿ™„

  15. This one blew me away: “We believe the Bible completely and totally and are more biblical than any other Christians out there, but the whole Sermon on the Mount? That applies to the kingdom not to us so in other words, we can ignore it.” ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

  16. I love the freedom – chains bit. Fundyland has set up a dichotomy of slavery – slavery to sin or slavery to God. God’s dichotomy is slavery to sin or freedom. There’s a huge difference.

  17. For anyone who found this post enjoyable, I recommend that all refer to a very short essay by Calvinist/Puritain preacher Herbert Palmer, titled “Christian Paradoxes” (1648)–originally titled “Characteristics of a Believing Christian in Paradoxes and Seeming Contradictions.” (You’ll find that the book is often falsely attributed to Francis Bacon, though.)

    Palmer’s essay is a series of 80 or so short, numbered aphorisms and sentences each one of which is a “Contradicktion” that Christians are committed to believing in the eyes of the author. Being a devout preacher and believer, the essay appears to have been written not to skewer or make fun of Christians or Christianity, but instead it to edify and encourage believers in light of the “seeming contradictions” of their faith. Interpret it however you might, but for many who have antipathy towards Christianity, Palmer’s essay surely reads like a scintillating and apt indictment of the religion with dozens of “reductio ad absurdum” examples.

    “Christian Paradoxes”

    1. That sounds very interesting. I enjoy studying the paradoxes of the Christian faith such as how God is sovereign and in control and yet He tells us to choose Him. Or how we die in order to live. And of course how Jesus is God yet became man.

    2. Took a look at this. It looks very interesting and something to think on. Thanks for the link. ๐Ÿ˜›

    3. A reductio ad absurdum doesn’t get a Get Out of Jail Free card by being religious.

  18. Hey Benevolent Dictator, I just saw the link for donating to this site. Seeing as how we all enjoy it so much; how much does it cost you to keep it going?

    1. I think you will find the answer somewhere in Malachi 3. ๐Ÿ˜†
      And remember, it’s on the gross, not net.

  19. We hate modern-day Calvinists, but hold high Spurgeon, Whitfield, and Edwards (probably not even realizing that they were Calvinist).

  20. We hold high Spurgeon, Whitfield, Edwards, etc., but don’t recommend that one read their materials… unless of course their writings have been altered by The Sword of the Lord.

    1. We alter sermons so the author appears to believe like us – but we have integrity!

  21. “For there is one God, and one mediator between God and men, the………..pastor”

    “And Jesus said unto him, Forbid him not: for he that is not against us is for us.” That is why we separate from people over whether they use the Baptist flag or the Baptist standard. Only liberal compromisers use the Christian flag.

    “For ever, O LORD, thy word is settled in heaven.” That means the KJV, amen?

    “Where the word of a king is, there is power: and who may say unto him, What doest thou?”
    Who wrote that? Solomon the PREACHER, amen!

  22. I am pro-life and because of that want to sign up to flip the switch to watch the SINNER burn. It also means that I will be the first to let that slut of a mother know that her bastard doesn’t belong in my Sunday School class. Oh yeah, and I have written my congressmen and senators to increase the amount of money we spend on the military – (They can take if from the money they would give to planned parenthood).

  23. I am reclining on my patio looking for the return of the Lord – so I don’t have time to feed the hungry, clothe the naked or feed the hungry – someone else can take care of that.

    I believe the Lord created the earth in 7/24 hour days, the way my KJV Bible says – but it was Adams job to take care of the garden – not mine.

      1. Thanks… it worked! ๐Ÿ˜›

        I love butterflies and their beauty and the “freedom” they represent. I felt it appropriate for my Learning Freedom to exhibit such seeming freedom.

    1. @LF. PW beat me to it..but I like it too. You’ve inspired to get one. ๐Ÿ˜€

    2. Would someone on this thread be able to help me with mine? I have no idea what I did to get it to be solid black. Although I do love black, I am not enjoying this avatar so much. Thanks in advance.

  24. We are commanded multiple times in Scriptures to feed the hungry and to give to them that ask.
    Obviously, He wouldn’t have said that if He had known how many panhandlers were going to be in this town. I never see them do a lick of work!

    1. Right. And no doubt God is judging them for something. Farbeit from me to get in their way!

    2. “We are commanded multiple times in Scriptures to feed the hungry and to give to them that ask.”

      But it’s more important that we build a new building where we can feed our own faces in comfort.

  25. I’m a militant dispensationalist, yet my church is the Baptist Tabernacle, I invite people to the altar, and tithing is required.

    1. I am a dispensationalist so I can explain away verses I don’t like to another age. Those I like I can apply as I please, because all the Bible is profitable, Amen?

      1. Awesome comment. I have to remind myself of this when fundies try to make me feel guilty because I’m no longer walking in lock-step with them.

      2. OH SO TRUE! “That verse doesn’t really mean what you think it means. I am a manogid so let me explain to you why my interpretation is right and therefore doesn’t apply to me.”

  26. God told Adam to be fruitful and multiply in Genesis 1:28. I believe that applies to every Christian today.

    Genesis 1:29? Of course that doesn’t apply to Christians you pagan!

    1. Being fertile as a commandment: and if you’re dealing with infertility, then you obviously must be backslidden and living in rebellion. And woe be to anyone who chooses not to have children.

  27. ude 1:21 ย Keep yourselves in the love of God, looking for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ unto eternal life.

    22 ย And of some have compassion, making a difference:

    23 ย And others save with fear, pulling them out of the fire; hating even the garment spotted by the flesh.

    1. SFL: posting random verses as if they mean something to a particular conversation without bothering to explain exactly how they relate.

      1. Those verses were his blog post this morning. I guess you can be as lazy as you want to be on your blog.
        He apparently has a real ax to grind against Jocelyn Zitcherman (sp?).

        1. Or he has nothing of value on his blog so he jumps onto the hottest topic of the moment and feigns insight.

      2. Actually, I was offering a seeming contradiction which would have been evident had you read the post.

        To sum up: Some save with compassion, other with fear, HATING even the garment….

        Jude 1:22 ย And of some have compassion, making a difference:
        23 ย And others save with fear, pulling them out of the fire; hating even the garment spotted by the flesh.

        1. You know your comemnting has flopped when you have to re-explain what you meant, why you wrote what you wrote, and then direct people back to your own blog so that they can figure out what you’re talking about in your comment.

    2. I Chronicles 26:18 “At Parbar westward, four at the causeway, and two at Parbar” (KJV)

  28. “For by Grace are ye saved, but you have to work out your own salvation.”

    “God is sovereign over his creation but a house dog may hinder the work of the Holy Spirit during soulwinning.”

    “I am a strong Christian firm in my beliefs and that is why I am so offended when some weaker believer practices thier Christain Liberty.”

  29. I love expository preaching that’s why I tell soooo many dumb jokes and useless stories in my sermon. By the way, what’s exegesis?

    1. …but we do preach expositorially, verse by verse, through books of the Bible on Wednesday nights, and I (your servant leader) will tell you what I think each verse says according to my interpretation, andnone dare contridict me lest they find themselves contradicting God himself.

  30. “Health, Wealth and Prosperity preaching is an abomination to the Lord, that is why we preach Sacrifical Faith Promise giving if you want to be right with god.”

    1. And if something happens to those who don’t attend our church anymore, it’s punishment from God. If the same thing happens to us, it’s a trial to make us more like him.

  31. We need to expose sin! Which is why we will cover up our own so we can continue to expose sin!

    Our Bible college will stay unaccredited! We will not get our approvial from the world. But in order to provide the best education we will hire teachers who have degrees in math and science from accredited colleges.

    We do not believe in a works based salvation. But we should excuse Bob Gray of Flordia because his good works outweigh his bad.

  32. Heart Disease kills more Americans than AIDS, but I will be more obsessed with peopleโ€™s sex lives then with their diets and lack of exercise.
    God made everything for a reason, but marijuana should be banned.
    I believe all abortions should be illegal, but I have never made any attempt to adopt a child or open my home to a child in need.
    I believe all children are precious, but children born out of wedlock should be referred to as โ€œbastardsโ€ or โ€œIllegitimateโ€.
    Any man who is 33 years old and is still single is probably gay, except Jesus.
    The Prince of Peace wants America to have a strong military.
    All unmarried teen mothers are whores, unless her mother was once governor of Alaska.
    Pro-Life and Pro-Death penalty.
    Gruesome depictions of violence in movies are okay, but no nudity!

      1. Really? Its the drinking and senseless violence that I like. Well, I don’t watch John Wayne for the plot! (Except the Quiet Man, but I digress…)

  33. We can play a pick up game of basketball on Sunday but not an organized game. That would be wrong.

    We tell women they can’t wear pants but there are no fringes on the borders of our garments.

    We can listen to popular music! Fifty years from now when its considered ‘classic’ and played by an orchestra. :mrgreen:

  34. GOD RUNS THIS CHURCH, BROTHER – but you better hit my office for permission to get that job, marry that girl, attend that college, spend that money, buy that house, etc…etc…etc…!!!

  35. “The ground is level at the cross…”

    Fundy 1Tim 2:5
    There is one mediator between God and man – a woman’s husband.

    Fundy Acts 5:29
    It is better to obey God rather than man – unless you are a woman.

  36. God is in control of our services and we’ll stop when God says stop, and he will tell me (your servant leader) if 10 or 25 verses of “I Surrender All” are sufficient this morning and when all hearts are clear we’ll close. The altar is open, you come if you need to do business with God. While we sing, “All to Jesus….

    Btw, this entry by ‘Blogster’ is so spot on it’s scary! Very nice.

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