Commandments on Men’s Jewelry

And in the wearing of Jewelry, men shalt observe the  commandment which were given aforetime by thy fathers and shalt keep them with all due diligence, deference, and decorum.

And if thou art a male of the species thy jewelry shall be of these…

A wedding ring may adorn thy hand or perhaps a purity ring given thee by thy mother in a strange and terrible ceremony. A class ring from thy local fundamentalist university may also be displayed up to and including the ring that thou made for thyself after completing the requirements for a home college degree.

A watch may band thy wrist so that thou mayest take it off when preaching before the face of the congregation that they may know that thou are pretending to care if thy sermon ends sometime before kickoff.

A tie clip of gold or silver shall be permitted to restrain thy neckware from falling into Mrs. Allen’s famous green been casserole at the dinner on the grounds. Likewise a tie tack or lapel pin may be worn with the bearer receiving extra points if it is patriotic in nature.

But of the chain and the bracelet and the earring and the piercing thou shalt not wear for they are an abomination before our sight and do not fulfill our expectations for what good Christian men should look like. For in the day that thou piercest thy flesh or puttest on chains of gold thou hast brought confusion upon the genders and hast caused people to wonder whether thou art a man or a woman or (depending on the ear) possibly gay.

For in the book of Holy Scripture no man wore such jewelry except for all those men in the Old Testament who obviously wore quite a bit of it since they had it lying around to give to build the temple and whatnot.

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, page 190

163 thoughts on “Commandments on Men’s Jewelry”

      1. Personally, I’ve never known any fundie preachers (outside my cousin who is now a pentacostal) who is stylish enough to wear cuff links.

        But, for those who do, I must give snaps.

        1. @ Em
          Wire rimmed glasses were condemend in the 70’s mainly because John Lennon wore them. And with him being the anti-christ and all after his remark about the Beatles being more popular than God… we’ll the fundie establishment kicked into its “If it looks/sounds/acts like_____” mode. If it looks like John Lennon then it must be evil. To include beard, long hair, wire-rimmed specs, sandals…. yadda, yadda, yadda….

        2. What John Lennon actually said was that the Beatles were “bigger than Jesus,” in the sense of being more widely known around the world than Jesus. This may or may not have been true at the time (or now, for that matter), but he wasn’t claiming any divinity for the Beatles, or putting down God or Jesus. This gets misquoted all the time, from the moment he said it until now.

        3. More to the point, Lennon was taking a swipe at the media for making the Beatles into a bigger story than he felt they deserved to be. By saying that the Beatles were ‘bigger than Jesus’ Lennon was really telling the media that there were much more important things to be obsessed over. Lennon went into great detail on this point in a follow-up interview which seems to have not connected with certain elements.

    1. Darrell – I can just see him pounding away in the basement making his ring, after he so proudly graduated from the home college course, much as I did after receiving my degree from “Olde Paths”

      Great Post

  1. (To the tune of “Tell It to Jesus.”)
    Are you wearing, are you wearing jewelry?
    Take it off right now, take it off right now.
    Are you a man who’s now wearing jewelry?
    Take it off right now today.

    Refrain
    Take it off right now, take it off right now.
    This is a blight to your sex.
    Class ring, wedding band, wrist watch are allowed.
    Take off, so you won’t perplex.

  2. dog tags and medical bracelets are allowable when worn by soldiers and the invalid. thou shalt not wear them fashionably as thou wouldst only be promoting confusion: God is not the author of confusion. Be like him.

  3. Hysterical. I’m laughing myself silly.

    Yeah, I remember the moment when, as a kid, I suddenly realized that all those golden earrings they used to make the golden calf, et al, had to come from somewhere and it’s explicitly stated that they “broke them off” of the men’s ears. Double ouch–one for the men’s ears, one for Fundie standards.

    or (depending on the ear) possibly gay

    Now there’s a flashback to sixth grade.

    1. I’d never noticed this before, but by golly, you’re right!

      And Aaron said unto them, Break off the golden earrings, which are in the ears of your wives, of your sons, and of your daughters, and bring them unto me. – Exodus 32:2

      1. Of course fundies always say that Israel hadn’t gotten “the world” out of them yet.. bla bla bla. They were only wearing earings because they were from Egypt?? and that made it bad apparently.. sigh.

        1. I wore mine religiously until the battery died, and then fell out of the habit. (Construct your own nun pun from the above.) Now I use my phone like a pocket watch, but I have to say a wristwatch is still more discreet. It’s also not going to make lots of noise in the middle of class if I bump it the wrong way. πŸ˜€

      1. Buy a Tungsten ring. I wasn’t a ring guy at all either. I figured I’d never get used to one. But the Tungsten rings on the market are so comfortable now I just don’t take mine off. They cost more then some other alternative metals, but far less than gold. So look into it.

    1. Trinity Broadcasting should have its own Stuff ….. Like website. Those would be some hilarious posts. What is amazing to me is how much some fundy groups have in common with some charismatic groups which the fundies would distance themselves from.

      There are actually a lot of theological similarities except for the cessationism thing.

  4. “My wife wears a necklace. My dog wears a chain. You decide.”

    Irrefutable fundy logic. πŸ˜•

    I remember Bob Gray from Texas walking around my home church auditorium and randomly yanking mens’ collars looking for necklaces. Even as a 10-year-old steeped in Fundyism, that seemed over the top to me. But hey, it was preachertainment.

      1. Having been in services where he did stuff like this, he is given some respect as a guest speaker. Also, some respect because the pastor chose to have him speak. Also some respect for his position. So, people tend to put up the the humiliation because of the respect given him. And (sadly), once someone is humiliated, that one is eager to see other humiliated.

        To answer your question, if someone had punched him, that someone would probably have been ejected from the service

    1. TTS- He is the MOG- the “man of God.” A good fundy layman will take most any form of abuse from the MOG, especially an important, visiting evangelist MOG. Any sort of personal treatment by an MOG during a “sermon” is always intended as a joke, and you had better take it that way if you know what is good for you. Otherwise you will ruin the MOG’s point he is trying (desperately) to make, and you might be responsible for someone going to hell because you had to steal the spotlight and stand up for yourself.

    2. I find it hard to believe the tale of Bob Gray’s (TX) behavior.

      If he tried that now, I’d be holding my collar and saying loudly, “Keep your hands off me”

      Back a few years ago, I would have suffered the humiliation in silence, possibly left the church; possibly decided never to hear him again.

      I have seen him kick men on staff repeatedly; I have read about him manhandling students (Tales From the Temple).

      I saw him speak at a young people’s function, and apparently delighting in embarrassing and humiliating the young people in attendance.

      But, sadly, his numerical success means that his atrocious behavior is given a pass.

  5. My parents seemed to implicitly discourage jewelry for me when I was growing up (e.g. talking about how it’s just not right that so-and-so let their kid get his ears pierced). Our current non-fundy church still has a lot of older people who feel the same, regardless of Biblical convictions (we’re still Baptist, and we have an prohibition clause in our constitution). πŸ™„

  6. Men shalt not wear necklaces unless it be for military ID sake and his chest be most hairy like Essau.

    Darrell, aren’t these passages you quoted found in Exodus 20:28 to the end of the chapter, and again in Leviticus 19:38 to the end of the chapter as found in the King James Embellished Version?

  7. //A watch may band thy wrist so that thou mayest take it off when preaching before the face of the congregation that they may know that thou are pretending to care if thy sermon ends sometime before kickoff.//

    I’d edit this one a bit to…pretending to NOT care if the sermon ends sometime before kickoff because said preacher deep down inside is realy wondering who has the ball and what the score is of said game and wants to appear more holy than those hedonistic pagans who enjoy football.

    nicodemusatnite.blogspot.com

  8. I remember quite a few times Fundy preachers talking against puka shell necklaces on young men when they were in style. My wicked cousins gave me two for Christmas and my Dad said, in front of them that in in no way was I to wear them. I was allowed to keep them in a box though. Ah, the word puku said in a Southern drawl. For that matter any beautiful word of foreign extraction found in the bible, when pronounced by most of these sounded like obscene words. It is not the Southern part that I’m against; heck, I’m Southern….

  9. Oh! You’ve done it now Darrell. You ad content is selling cool cross necklaces for men (tribal Hollywood jewelry) and there are some great links for men’s jewelery at Emporio Armani too.
    I finally know the PERFECT gift for my still very fundy hubby who I love…
    a giant cross necklace. Yes!
    Christmas shopping done thanks to SFL!

    1. I am His beloved I found the same necklace and pendant for my fiancee that I was going to get at Tribal Hollywood from a similar site called Tribal Mayhem. I have never ordered from either stores so I don’t know how Tribal Hollywood is, but I saved around $15 and they shipped it out the same day. Got here in 3. Nice necklaces by the way! Very high quality and appears that both sites sell some of the brands of jewelry. πŸ˜›

  10. Mrs. Allen gets a SFL mention. Now that’s old school.

    She could make a mean tater tot casserole though. I remember guys fighting in the seconds line over that stuff.

  11. i don’t know how many times i heard this watch illustration from preachers: “a preacher was preaching one sunday morning, and all of a sudden he took off his watch and put it on the pulpit. a young boy turned and whispered to his grandfather: ‘grandpa, what does it mean when the preacher does that?’ the grandfather smiled and said ‘nothing at all, son. nothing at all.'”

    1. I’ve always been intrigued by that. Some say its because they want to watch how long they go, and some say they just don’t care how long they go. I always knew which preachers to settle in for, because I knew it was going to be a long one.

    2. My dad used to tell a story of a preacher who was long-winded
      (Well, in Dad’s words, he was long but never winded). One particular Sunday he was going on and on (and on and on and on and on) when a little boy turned to his father and said, in a voice that could be heard all over the church, “Daddy, is it *still* Sunday?”

  12. Visiting in Eastern Europe I learned that my wearing my wedding ring on my left hand meant to the Christians there that I was divorced. They probably had Scripture to back it up, too!

    1. In Germany, a wedding ring is usually (but not invariably) worn on the right hand “ring” finger.

      The old Jewish custom is for a woman to wear the wedding ring on the index finger of the right hand. My memory fails me at the moment as to whether a traditional Jewish man wears a wedding ring, and if so, on which finger.

  13. Ah, jewelry. A perfect example of how fundy culture stopped advancing in 1950. It’s funny – my mom is usually the more forgiving of my parents, and when I was a high school junior I remember coming to her, tail tucked firmly between my legs, sheepishly asking if she thought my dad would object if I bought a class ring, because of course men don’t wear jewelry. Yes, at age 17, I was really, *really* deep in it.

    At my church now, two out of the four pastors wear some sort of necklace, and they’ll preach wearing them, too. I still wear the class ring, but I’ve got bad allergies to most metal so I don’t wear a watch. I am experimenting with a wood cross on a leather cord, though. Haven’t decided on whether it works for me or not…

  14. A friend gave my 10 year old son a bear-claw necklace – which is super cool and I love it BUT I still hear that fundy voice in my head telling me he shouldn’t be wearing it. I just tell the voice to be quiet and let him wear it anyway.

      1. I wonder if anyone who has spent ten or more years in IFB-dom ever truly gets rid of that little voice. I’ve learned to shout it down, but I don’t know if it will ever completely go away.

        1. george helps me keep them all in line. some have been duct taped and silenced that way but most have to be whown in print, in black and whait in order to get them to shut up… that’s why I love it here. Don’t we? *all for loving it here say aye… any opposed same sign… the ayes have it*

        2. I spent about 7 years with a Fundy mentality, and because I got rid of it by study, meditation and prayer, my “voices” are also convinced.

        1. I like to know when. I’ve been out of fundyism for over 2 decades now and I still hear it sometimes.

        2. I’ve been out for almost 30 years. I still get an occasional bad thought from Fundyland. Once in a while, I’ll get a crazy dream about being in Jonestown or Wildville or being “left behind,” but it’s a small price to pay for being out of Fundyland and being free.

        3. For a YEAR, after I graduated from my fundy u, I had this recurring nightmare that I was trapped there and couldn’t leave.

    1. PW – I STILL have that same voice sometimes. It’s like a hesitation, until I realize its just upbringing and needs to be filed away in File 13. (that’s what my old pastor called his trashcan whenever he got letters from people who disagreed with him)

    2. A bear-claw necklace! ThatÒ€ℒs a triple score!
      Jewelry Γ’β‚¬β€œ check
      Symbolic of Spiritual Mysticism Γ’β‚¬β€œ check
      Gives the appearance of One-with-nature and Tree-hugging Γ’β‚¬β€œ check

      Now I want one. πŸ˜›

      1. Poor PW her voices will give her fits over that John. Now, if he stubs his toe, starts getting bad grades at school, loses his best friend or whatever… those voices will start in on her about it is the fault of that necklace and the spirit guide that inhabits it. Between that and the Cabbage Patch doll in the house they will be lucky to make it out of Ammityville. 😯 πŸ™„

      1. Killing a bear as a trophy alone is a shame. My friends who live in Alaska hunted it themselves and I believe used all of it they could (meat, fur, etc.). I appreciated that I knew where it came from, that they’d cleaned the claws themselves, and strung the beads themselves.

  15. My dad has this weird thing about anklets. Like any piercings over single-earholes, he says it looks “pagan.” My sister and I always lamented this to ourselves, as we thought anklets were beautiful and especially feminine. One of the first things my sister did when I went off to school was email me a pretty silver anklet with dangly little stars…sometimes I wear it, but I still feel guilty about it. 😐 Working on that…lol.

    I always wondered why on the anklets though? Guessing it was considered a sign of a loose woman back in the seventies or eighties? Not sure. He also never wanted my sister or I to wear any kind of blood-red nail polish or lipstick. I don’t wear those now, but just because it’s not really my style.

    My brother got a cross necklace when he started playing football. I’m glad I wasn’t home for the uproar that it doubtless caused…!

    1. @Becky Boo,
      “…it looks Ò€œpagan”.

      Many times I’ve heard this or that “looks __________” and the immediate follow-up question in my mind is “how do you know?”. The weaker the mind, the more imagination required to operate. Fundies always seem to rely on guess work and conjecture to simply function within their own circles. If someone shows some personality and individualism there is an immediate attempt to crush it.

      1. Back in Fundyland we used that one a lot…

        2010 Dodge 300 w/ window tint- looks evil.
        High-heel leather calf-high boots on women – looks evil

        Lol – it was just so…so…crazy!

    2. Yeah, I was told the same thing about anklets, and toe rings too. It was so illogical and ridiculous. “Pagan” women wore jewelry to be pretty, not as part of their religion. Does that mean we’re not allowed to be pretty because pagans did it too?

      1. I was reading the Crown College handbook one day (because now that I’m outside of it all, I find it amusing), and I laughed at no thumb rings.

        Why is a ring on the fingers okay but not one on the thumb?

        1. Same reason churches complain about facial hair on men. In the 60s it was a sign of rebellion. Today, thumb rings are a thing in today’s culture. I don’t think it means anything, but to a fundy, today’s culture is necessarily evil because…well, just because. And since we’re to “be not conformed to this world,” anything that smacks of current culture is to be avoided. Therefore, modern fashion trends are looked down upon. Wait twenty years until culture changes again and thumb rings will be fine. Look at denim’s route to acceptance in Fundy circles. It went from being evil to being the fabric of choice for the discerning skirt-maker in 50 years or so.

        2. I think the thumb rule is due to the perception that wearing a thumb ring is code for being gay. Now, I’m no expert, but from what I’ve read on forums this isn’t actually the case even among gays. So, eh. It’s probably like the wire-rimmed glasses thing.

      2. Ohhh yeah, I got the pagan toe ring spiel, as well. One day my dad pulled me aside and asked about my “thumb ring.” I told him the truth, that I switch rings and bracelets back and forth a lot when I get tired of them being on certain fingers for too long.

        I don’t get that one at all, actually. A finger is a finger; if we’re okay with one, then why not the other?

        (Here’s the kicker: I wouldn’t even consider my father a true fundy, at all. He supported my attending a public university and does all kinds of things fundies would not like. This is part of the reason why some of his preferences puzzle me, I guess.)

    3. Pagan. Well, it’s hard to trace back such a simplistic form of feminine embellishment to a specific origin; but there is a great chance someone who didnÒ€ℒt serve God came up with them first. One thing that is almost definitely pagan however, is pants. Something to think about. :mrgreen:

    4. My Mom thought (and still does) that anklets were whorish, and so I never wore one until I was in my 20’s. She always gave me a look for burping too loud.

      She did try to make me a lady… she did try. πŸ˜‰

      1. Now, George, you were supposed to add an “also” on the burping part.

        I’m not going to let you type my stuff anymore if this keeps up. You’ll be stuck with Don.

      2. Yeah, I heard that too… they look whorish. I never could figure out why. In college it was always your earrings were too long. But when pressed, no one ever came up with a good reason. Always made me think it was along the same lines as anklets…

        1. They were “whorish” because in such a sexually repressed environment, guys like me were lusting after any bit of female skin visible. The anklets drew extra attention to those sexy ankles. Haven’t you ever said, “look at the set of ankles on her” or “those are the sexiest ankles I have ever seen”? OK, so it was just me… Maybe I was the reason that they were considered “whorish”. hmmm

        2. For the record, everyone, Crime-fighting Ex Fundy is my darling, sexy Hot Fuzz. We are high school sweethearts and this guy told me that he would stare at my legs during chapel. Coudln’t see much with all that fabric, but he tried. πŸ˜‰

  16. You know, if they allowed men to wear jewelry, the Fundies could create a whole new list of rules for them, like how many earrings in each ear, how long dangly earrings can dangle, how big the hoop earrings can be, etc. etc. They’re missing out on a whole new chapter of “twisting Scripture to state my rules” …

    Incidentally, one of the Fundy churches I attended had a rule about “only two piercings per ear” for women, but the pastor’s daughter, who sat right in front of me every Sunday, had three holes in one of her ears … and she wore earrings in all three, too. Not sure how that worked. Maybe she was dressing as a visitor to see if anyone would witness to her (people with more than two pair of earrings on are obviously not saved, right?) πŸ™„

    1. Jenni – I noticed alittle bit of that same sort of hypocrisy too. I heard all of these sermons about how we should dress our girls, and then the pastor’s 2 granddaughters would wear the absolute tightest clothing into the church, they even had me looking. Then there was the time that my daughter stopped by the pastor’s house to visit with his granddaughters and guess what they were watching on tv – Sabrina the teenage witch! I realized right then that what was fair for the goose was obviously not fair for the gander.

      1. kinda like how when i got married, my (ex) wife’s bridesmaids (and her as well) weren’t allowed to have strapless/backless dresses, and the dresses had to be a certain length, high neckline, etc. rules of the church, ya know. fast-forward a few years and the pastor’s kids get married, with really modern, nice dresses all around – strapless, plenty of revealed skin, etc. so glad i’ve been out for 3 years!!

    2. You were lucky, we couldn’t even have two!
      Or earrings bigger then a quarter. Or any jewelry of different or doubtful meaning.

      Really enjoy wearing my 2-inch silver filigree leaf earrings that look straight from Lord of the Rings, and my four point Celtic knot necklace from undoubtedly Druidism πŸ˜€

  17. My dad/church was strict enough about girl’s jewelry: who knows what he would have said about guys! I couldn’t even get my ears pierced until I left home.

    At my local FU, guys couldn’t even wear rubber bands on their wrists XD I always wondered why.

    I think it shows how robotic many fundies are. There are few exceptions for differences in taste and preference. If the MOG thinks men’s jewelry is gay, then by gawd you should too. Everyone has to think and act the same way, and if you break away you’re being rebellious. Gah.

  18. Ahhh my sister pierced my ears secretly at home. What fun! Thank goodness my godly hair could hide my ear lobe holes until I got to school.

    Darrell, you are brilliant! I am constantly amazed with your wit. What a gift. It helps to know there are so many others out there who had “this life” too.

  19. My son wore a necklace to youth group. (I think it was a 4 leaf clover.) He was promptly asked to remove it. This was just another straw added to the proverbial camel’s back. We never said a word, just added it to the list. We left fundyland about 6 months later. There were so many little things that continued to add up. Darrell, your posts “hit home” every day. I never cease to be amazed and amused. Thank you.

        1. Yes, faith in Christ is good. Thing is, my son didn’t attached any meaning to the clover. It was a gift from a friend because of his Irish heritage and he thought it looked cool. He was asked to remove it because it was a necklace, the youth pastor didn’t even realize it was a clover. My son has such a sweet, kind spirit and he loves the Lord, but that made no difference in fundyland. His hair was slightly on the long side, he went to public school, and so on; therefore, he wasn’t “right.” That’s the sad thing.

        2. @Just Exhaled, that is sad. They showed that his heart didn’t matter to them, just his outward adherence to certain man-made standards. And when people are treated as “bad” for innocent things like wearing a necklace, sometimes it hardens their heart toward the Lord completely. (I wouldn’t have any problem with him wearing a clover, as long as he didn’t think it was his lucky charm! BTW, my parents wouldn’t let us eat Lucky Charms cereal.)

  20. Should mention my (gasp) tattoo? I figured if the OT prohibition on piercing the body didn’t apply to women’s ears, it didn’t apply to marking it up with ink, either! 😈

    1. At HAC, I was required to cover mine up with bandaids if my skirt wasn’t ankle length. Because a flower pattern around an ankle was somehow a sign of rebellion.

    1. Or the American flag lapel pin, but only to be worn on Veterans Day, Memorial day and Fourth of July. And on a similar note, defacing of the flag to a fundy is disgusting, unless that defacing is in the form of a necktie.

  21. You should have been in performing groups at Fundy U. They had all kinds of rules – earrings no bigger than an aspirin. The ladies had to share lipstick also. Disgusting.

  22. The Israelites had the earrings in their ears because the Egyptians put them there as a sign of slavery. Therefore, men should not wear earrings. The women can wear them as a sign that they are submitted to their husbands.

    (This is sarcasm, by the way. I’ve heard this though, I forget where.)

    1. Whew… glad you put the disclaimer at the end, because I was about to go over there and cast out the spirit of Jack Hyles you had in you.

      Had my NIV and Kahlua all ready.

  23. Just came across this site. Hilarious.

    I’m looking for relatively like-minded readers. In other words, I’m looking to avoid the insane ideologues on either extreme. My blog is entitled “Musings of a Hard-Lining Moderate: The assorted thoughts of an evangelical Anglican.” I write about theology, history, philosophy, politics, book/movie reviews, sports, pet theories… whatever is on my mind.

    Here’s the link: http://bit.ly/dXh2qd.

    And here’s my twitter: http://bit.ly/gW0FyZ

  24. A couple of years a go, a friend’s pastor said people couldn’t wear crystals. When she broke down in tears, realizing that she couldn’t wear her diamond engagement ring or the garnets she had inherited from her Gran, he clarified that he meant only stuff like amethyst crystal pendants. I guess demons can only live in larger mineral formations. Or maybe the demons are chased out when the stone is cut. I think maybe they should ban diamonds, sapphires and the other hard gems- after all, they are formed deep underground under hellish heat and pressure.

    1. I don’t buy the crystal nonsense. True, some pagans/wiccans/etc. may use crystals but that doesn’t mean I’m taking them in the woods and chanting spells.

      And while we’re on the subject, I LOVE those crystal ball thingies you can get for your yard and may end up getting one for my garden.

      1. Lots of IFBers DO the same things; they just call it by a different name.
        Going to the beach = going to the coast
        Watching a movie = watching a film

        So just call the garden ball thingie a “reflecting ball” and you should be fine!

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