Not entirely true. I was ordained and I left fundyism! I recently took my ordination certificate out of the frame. I didn’t see any reason to waste a good frame like that!
Maybe that’s our problem…we are not holy enough, not separated enough, not sin-free enough, not listening to the right music enough, not wearing the proper attire enough, not soul-winning enough, no tithing enough, not being in the church everytime the doors are open enough to see the white piano
The thing behind the hunched shoulders of the pastor on the right is either the bottom of a white piano or the bottom of the steps. If I were more holy, I’d probably be able to tell which it is.
You, me, and Scorpio all need to apparently have some time at the altar if we’re ever gonna see that white piano! It looks to me to be either pews or steps.
Right above Jack’s back is the side of a baby grand – the part right above the right hand front leg. Then the piano curves away to the right – the biggest curve in the piano is right behind the microphone stand. It’s hard to see at first against the white wall, but the piano’s surface is shinier; also it throws you off because you can’t see the top of it.
HAHAHA! BTW SFL: Some kind of weird version of twister they are performing mid-ordination, and the person behind them looks a little contorted as well (or possibly missing a left shoulder).
Look Stan, old buddy old pal…you’ve been drinking too much of the Welches grape juice there aint no white piano. I’ve got others here who won’t drink the Koolaid either..BUT since you have an eye for detail would you mind telling me what is growing out of Jack’s back? Is that a person? Siamese twins attached at the sides? What?
Hello! See Kim’s post below. I thought I was the only one who can see it, but apparently not. I think Jack and his friends were cut and pasted into the picture which is why the guy behind Jack looks out of place.
Sorry, didn’t mean to cause quite a stir. I just saw the white piano and commented!
Stan,
No need to apologize. You will soon find out that there is one trait that ex Ifbers do not lose from fundy days gone by and that is an over abundance of sarcasm.
We love ya!
It’s definitely a white piano. You can see the curve in the wood as well as the beginning of the leg attachments. But then there’s that weird distorted person on Jack’s shoulders that covers the rest of it.
IDK how long fundys spend getting those parts so straight and rigid, but I’ve seen some that I’ve wondered if they had laser hair removal on the part to make it that distinct.
Long time lurker, first time commenter. Both of their suits seem to be cut from the same leftover polyester circa 1977. Am I the only one that cringes when I see a badly tailored suit? I automatically avert my eyes and hope I’m not about to be accosted by “preacher boy”.
My story: Grew up normal, parents found Fundy church when I was 14, spent the next 10 years in Fundyland: went to a fundy college that thought that BJU was den of iniquity full of compromisers (take a moment to digest that), married a “preacher boy” who came from a fundy home. My husband found a true relationship with Christ 18 months ago, realized he wasn’t “called to preach”, got a real job and we left the IFB movement shortly after. We’re battle scarred and trying to find our way.
Yikes, I’m still having flash-backs. Sorta like Fundie-PTSD. When walking in public and I see ANYTHING that resembles an oversized KJV, high water pants and the closer the dude gets, his right arm and hand start to automatically raise themselves to shake your hand…I loose all bladder control. It’s really embarassing.
Welcome aboard! Glad to have you with us. Take some time and rest and heal. I for one am very happy to hear of your awakening. God Bless you in your journey.
Similar story here. My parents found this “great church” when I was 15. They were adding new rules every day as they read Scripture as if for the first time. Went to PCC married a preacher boy and a few years after graduation we started our downward spiral of coming out of the cult. Praise God!
Benediction,
Welcome.
Its a winding road and the healing is a slow process but you are here amongst friends.
You are also fought for and very loved by a most gracious God.
Welcome. I wish you the best during your transition out of IFB. Keep loving Jesus and don’t become jaded and bitter (like Don). Fundamental Baptists love Jesus. There is just a whole lot more going on in Jesus’ name than they are aware of.
Perhaps some do, but the ones I know love religion and athoritarian pastoral leadership and not necessarily Jesus. It’s all very man centered (at least what I have grown up around.)
yeah, you can be one or the other but but don’t mix them. Only a trained professional should mix jaded with bitter, if not done properly you could end up baded and jittered. So please don’t try this at home without proper training and supervision.
In the matter of loving Christ, let us not forget 1 John 4:7-21. We need to make sure we are loving others as well as hold those who claim love for Christ to the same standard.
TomK: did you just call Don “jaded and bitter”? I hope that was a joke, since we all know that this is the favorite invective of a certain fanatical group that happens to be the focus of this site.
I was actually thinking the same thing. That would be the first insult hurled at any of us who like this site. Seems unfair to hurl it at anyone else even if they don’t believe anything close to what you believe.
Jaded and bitter: Obviously there wouldn’t be a SFL if we weren’t all a little burnt and pissed. Don happens to be one of my favorite ranters. No insult intended.
Similar story. Was in a fundy church for about 20 years, been out for 2 years. Preacher kept yelling about don’t trust him, read if for yourself, guess what? I did and then had to leave!! God is so gracious and loves us so, stay in that precious Word. And now abide faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.
Welcome to the board. I have a similar story. Fundies knocked on our door when I was about eight and won over my step mom hook, line, and sinker. My dad never bought into that stuff and as a result was branded an unsaved heathen whom they prayed for at church. Now I can see that he was the real voice of reason. There were substance abuse and violence problems with some of the people who lived at our house, but great care was taken not to let other people know and ‘hurt our testimony’. Went to HAC, which despite how much I disagree with its teachings, were the best years of my life compared to some of the craziness that had gone on at home. I realized the second and third years in how much I disagreed with them but stayed anyway, mostly because even through the oddity I’d never had so many people who truly cared. Graduated. Joined the military. Got married. Am about a year out of fundyland and loving life and the God who allowed me to live it.
Emily, Your story points out something that kinda gets overlooked here, there are folks that are doing some good things in fundyland, many for the wrong reasons, but I have to wonder where would you be had those fundies not knocked on your door, then going to HAC, well that may have given you time away from dysfunction at your home. God’s ways are above our ways, and He knows how to accomplish His will in our lives.
I agree completely. Many of the people I liked and keep in contact with are still fundy. I truly think God put them in my life for that period of time. Despite my mom’s conversion, I came to HAC as ‘trailer trash’ that had grown up with such a distorted way of living, I didn’t know what or how ‘normal’ was. This was in ways that embarrass me, thinking how lost I was when it came to even simple things like basic social graces.
Leaving was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. The decision took several years to finalize and it still hurts. There were a good number of things I still agreed with, but still so many things I disagreed with or thought were just plain wrong that I knew I couldn’t stay.
You are welcomed here. We are all battle scared to a certain degree. Some more then others, so we all feel your pain. May the Lord bless you as you find your way. The world is really a great and open place when you give it a chance and see it through the eyes of Jesus rather then the eyes of the Pharis…er…I mean Fundamentalists.
For all of you mouth-breather’s out there who are dorky wrestling fans, you’ll recognize this as the infamous sleeper hold!!! Got to laugh to keep from crying sometimes!
It is I! By the way, I’m a born-again Christian who’s been gloriously saved by the wonderful grace of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and called to preach His Word. I put all of that ahead of the church denomination I attend, as we all should. By the way, I just finished a revival last night in a Nazarene Church and held one last week in a Methodist Church. I don’t drink anyone’s “kool-aid” and preach anywhere, anytime, and anyplace.
Had great services each night at both churches! True godly people begging God for revival and getting their hearts right with God and begging Him to do great and mighty things in their lives and churches. Caught flack for preaching there from Baptist “Brethren”, but I was called to go preach God’s Word and do not run from that. Love the humor! God bless all!
Laaaaaaaaaame. Catholic priests go all out and lie down on the floor when they are ordained.
(How do I know this? Because when I went through the conversion process, the priest leading our classes showed us the video from his ordination – supposedly to teach us about holy orders. He treated it like a video of his wedding day – which, I guess in a way, it kind of was…)
I just keep seeing the guy from Men’s Wearhouse saying, “You’re gonna like the way you look. I guarantee it.”, when I notice these guys are wearing the EXACT same color suits!
au contraire mon ami, Binaca is for Pentecostals.
Check out Marjoe 2 @ 2:50 He names his breath freshener. But the rest of the clip is worth the price of admission. http://persifler.wordpress.com/2010/08/24/marjoe-2/
Sorry; have to disagree. My former pastor graduated from HAC and was one of the golden boys who emulated everything Hyles did. He carried a little bottle of binaca in his suit pocket everywhere he went. I’ve seen Hyles use it as well. It is kind of the HAC joke. Binaca is the only freshener a good fundy will use.
Is there really that much difference between the emotional experiences in the pentecostal movement and the emotional experiences in the fundy world? Other than speaking in tongues and women in the pulpit it’s all the same furniture so far as I can tell. The admini$tration ha$ the $ame agenda. Fundy preachers remind me of He-Man: “I Have the Pow-wah!”
Marjoe. I saw that film in its first run. I hadn’t thought of it for years. One of the best documentaries ever made.
I wonder what Marjoe Gortner is doing these days?
@Big Gary
When I was researching him after finding at documentary on YouTube one site said he is organizing/promoting Charity golfing events.
Funny thing is I actually remember his character from the movie “Earthquake.” What a cheesy movie! That was in that time frame after the success of “The Towering Inferno,” and “The Posiedon Adventure” and everybody was doing a disaster movie
There are various reasons people choose to join the clergy. Some curve power, control, fame, status and adulation. My youth pastor desired none of these. He saw being a pastor as a way to help and serve people. He was one of the few adults from my fundie youth that I respected. He was also the only youth pastor I ever had who was not there to relive his adolescence. He was a nerd and proud of it.
He once got in trouble for having my fundie youth group attended a hayride and fall festival organized by a local Lutheran Church. I wish I were raised Lutheran. The kids in their youth group were nicer and the week before they saw “Pale Rider†at the movie theater, then want to McDonald to discuss the movie.
I believe he became a pastor of a small Baptist church in Ohio, one that had no problem cooperating with Lutherans, Methodist and Catholics in helping the poor and other local issues. His church’s softball team even played against Unitarians! I doubt his church is still in the GARBC.
I believe his ordination was the only one I ever attended.
Jim’s take on this:
I’m not and never will be a pastor but I think fundies join the clergy because they are “called by God”, and after 50 years, I still do not know what that means. The goal of a fundy preacher is “to do a work for God”. The methodologies and techniques used tend to be manipulative, cultish and abusive. The methods and techniques are justified by distorted interpretations of the Bible or flat out tradition. Most Fundy preachers are victims of fundyland themselves, they just haven’t figured it out yet. IMO, your youth pastor was not a fundy preacher.
My husband and I had a few people in the past tell us, “You’re not a fundamentalist.” (First, my mom when she found out I read other versions besides the KJV.) We always said we were because we held to the fundamentals of the faith, we were sincere about serving Christ, and we’d been to BJU. We just wanted “balance.” That’s what my husband always said he tried to have in his ministry. But now as we try to follow the Bible more closely and as a result are stepping away from a lot of the fundy “no-nos” we were taught, maybe those people were right. Maybe we never were fundies.
I love this post, and the fact there’s a major brouhaha over the non existence of a white piano. I never could get those magic eye pictures, but I even tried that thousand yard stare trick that never worked for me on magic eye things, and I don’t see a white piano that way either. What’s the phrase? That way lies madness?
I just can’t believe-ah you “don’t” see-ah The White Piano-ah. Look-ah with the eyes-ah of faith, brother! can’t-ah you see-ah it there hiding-ah behind the mic stand-ah? O, go git-ah right with gid-ah so your eyes-ah will be open to see-ah what is right-ah there infront of you-ah. Go dip-ah seven times-ah in the nearest body of water-ah (legal disclaimer: round porcelain chambers that exchange waters in a swirling motion should be avoided) so that your eyes-ah may be open to the truth-ah of A White Piano-ah! Repent-ah of your unbelief-ah! Look-ah and b-e-l-i-e-v-e-ah in the White Piano-ah!
You know Don, during the whole discussion about seeing or not seeing the white piano, I kept thinking this would make a great sermon topic!
Thank you for making my “wish” come true.
But I still don’t see the piano!!!
Great pic. Definitely a white piano with a man sitting on the bench. Look at the reflection of the mic stand on the piano. It’s a shiny white baby grand. I saw the piano before reading any comments. Definitely a white piano.
There’s definitely a white baby grand up there. No question about it. However, I’m not sure that the man in the background is sitting on the bench. For one it doesn’t look like it’s the right height.
Its official, I need to have my eyes poked out, they are doing me no good whatsoever. I still see no white piano. I feel like I’m playing that “I’m thinkg of something that starts with my initianl (r)” type college game, and unable to figure the scheme out that everyone is seeing a piano with!
@scorpio help me out here, what am I missing? I saved the image, zoomed in on the mic stand, all I see is glare.
RobM. You’re eyes are o.k. My wife called me at work due to all the fuss I started about the white piano saying she didn’t see it either. Came home and pointed it out to her and she still can’t see it. But my daughter took one look at it and saw it right away. This goes back to my original question – I’ve never seen a white piano in an IFB church!
I still don’t see it. I get it that I might need more faith and all that, but also a higher resolution monitor or something? I never saw magic eye posters, either.
O me of little faith. No white piano, no person on a bench. Nothing but peculiar bannisters and steps, and a weirdly distorted person, very small, behind the two very large guys in bad suits doing whatever they’re doing with each other.
I finally saw it. That is indeed the under portion of a baby grand piano. I should know. I spent many a Sunday afternoon snoozing under one at a fundy church that had lured my song leader dad and his piano playing daughter (me) to help in a “new work”. We commuted 40 miles one way and stayed in the church all day to avoid wasting gas. After lunch in the church basement I’d take a blanket and curl up under the piano for a nap. It was nice and private what with the modesty wall all the way around. Them was the days. Glad they’s gone. It was a black piano.
This pic is like one of those optical illusion pictures- do you see the rabbit or the duck, do you see two faces or one vase, the young woman or the old woman. It’s like positive and negative space trading places. Flips back and forth, back and forth, back and… acck! I need a cup of coffee!
It’s a new day. A good night’s sleep last night (no grape juice to cloud my judgement). I still don’t see it.
Reminds me of a line from “The Da Vinci Code”:
“The eye sees what it wants to see”.
I guess some of just don’t want to see it.
This has been fun though
The ordinations I’ve seen have had several people placing their hands on the guy being ordained to impart sufficient mystic energies. This dude must be super spiritual if he can solo this one.
Of corse he dose have a white piano. That alone should vouch for his mad ordinating skills.
I was going to testify to the same thing! Every ordination I ever saw had every single man who was “anybody” participating. Even if the crowd of men around the person being ordained so was thick you could no longer see him. And even if it meant some of them could no longer claim to be “laying on hands” but actually “laying on tip of fingernails”!
That is a visual representation of third and fourth degree separation. You lay hands on someone who is laying hands on someone who is laying hands on someone.
There was an ordination service at our small IFB church when I was about eleven, and I was so freaked out at all those men surrounding a man kneeling and then putting their hands on him. Our church was very restrained and non-physical; people tend to be very private, and it just seemed so … indecent, maybe (to my sheltered self), certainly shocking!
Maybe this will help the white-piano nonbelievers: Only three things in the picture are white: shirts, the stair rail, and the curvy side of the baby grand piano. Oh yeah, and the stripes in the American flag…
If you think about it, a white piano is the perfect choice for a Fundyland church. Black is of the devil, and the wood finishes might cause a church split. White is the color of purity – perfect for a church platform or mainfloor for the Fundyland churches that don’t elevate their instruments.
Of all the loaded questions! All those years in fundyism prepared me to live under a dictator, but I still find it hard to accept that there is such a thing as genuine benevolence. A benevolent dictator? Makes my head spin.
This post is a dud. What is wrong here? According to the comments the things wrong are bad suits, poor lighting, and the wrong color of piano. Is this what is wrong with the fundies? If only! Darrell, has the well gone dry?
Commentators, some of you are beginning to resemble what you hate.
Yeah, the post by randy wos so obnoxious, obtuse, and intent on denying any fun to be had, I had to triple check if I thought it was a parody of what a humorless fundy would say, but I couldn’t convince myself of that. I can’t imagine going through life so sour that you can’t take time to laugh at thde white piano in the room. Oh nvrmnd, I went through 4 years of pcc, so I can.
Now that IS a true Fundie activity. My daughter and all the females in her class when she attended fundie Christian (co-called) School, were subjected to Dress-check everyday. (lest someone see the knee cap and fall into lust)
You’re going to look awfully silly next month when all this humor hits you some Saturday at 2:36pm on aisle 7 in the grocery store. Just pray it doesn’t hit you during the opening prayer of the third Sunday’s morning service….
(betcha think about it now on that third Sunday and the next time you find yourself on aisle 7)
Randy and John. IFB churches (goes for their men too) can be so cookie-cutter in appearance that I made a simple remark about never seeing a white piano in one. It actually turned into a quite a humorous thread about whether it actually existed in the picture. Give us a little slack! By the way, do you two see it?
Thank you randy and John. You are just confirming my theory that humor, satire and irony are all utterly and completely lost on fundies.
I could try to explain to you what makes this post humorous, but I would just be wasting my time and yours.
I want so much to see the piano but I think it’s a wall. My piano/voice teacher had a white baby grand in her living room (I offer this as evidence that I can identify white pianos in the wild).
Try sitting like the guy in the background. Get in the same position, put your hand and arm like his and then extend your index finger. I believe the man may have been picking his nose when this photo was taken.
The three guys are very obviously Photoshopped onto the picture of the stairs and piano…see the black outline where the background behind the three guys was erased away.
I have to take offense to the insinuation that being ordained is a “fundy” activity. I am currently working toward becoming a chaplain for the Air Force and one of the requirements for becoming a chaplain is to be ordained.
Not to mention the successful indoctrination with all the fundy skills and theology. “Welcome to the ruling class” really is really true on so many levels.
Note the diagonal piece going from the area of the pedals to the underside of the piano; that’s the dark diagonal thing you’re seeing that seems to sprout from Jack’s back.
I was ordained by Jack’s FIL. I have a picture like this one with Big Jack Cheese laying hands on me. I am not sure where it is…I think it is in my attic somewhere. These ordinations are a joke–no questions or analysis by other ministers–no need to explain any doctrinal positions. BTW, love that haircut on Jack Jr–1950 called and wants it back!
This is my first time here and I have to say that I love this blogging community. Laugh at the past which was not funny and look with hope to the future. Very cool.
For the record I saw the piano right away but I was so glad some didn’t so Don could write out that sermon. It reminded me of my West Virginia preaching days. Good stuff.
I didn’t grow up IFB, and my denomination doesn’t ordain or have a pastor – we have a group of elders chosen by the church. Thusly…I have absolutely no clue the purpose that ordination serves, let alone going to seminary. My husband has tried to explain it to me, but I just don’t get it.
There is not much to “get” really. Its institutionalized religious ritualism.
I am posting after the Jack Scaap “having sex with a minor across state lines” scandal has broke…. So I wonder how all the “pastors” whom have been ordained by this jerk feel now? Maybe they need to re-ordain?
Pledging complete allegiance to Fundyland: the point of no return.
Not entirely true. I was ordained and I left fundyism! I recently took my ordination certificate out of the frame. I didn’t see any reason to waste a good frame like that!
hahahaha!!!
I too was ordained by a fundamentalist Baptist church – then had that ordination rescinded.
A few years later I was ordained a Presbyterian.
There is indeed a way out!
Love the caption.
All he needs is a sword and a mesh suit of armor and the cycle would be complete.
Too bad they don’t give the collata. That would be worth seeing.
Ugh. Another screaming fundy.
Is that a white piano? I’ve never seen a white piano in a church.
A white piano is an indication of a holy church.
A black piano is an indication of a not so holy church.
What about Brown? Most are brown. Or herry reddish brown.
Why do I not see a piano. Is this like “Where’s Waldo”
White piano? Can only the sanctified, separated holy people see this “white piano” or do I need to make an appointment to see my eye doctor?
Maybe that’s our problem…we are not holy enough, not separated enough, not sin-free enough, not listening to the right music enough, not wearing the proper attire enough, not soul-winning enough, no tithing enough, not being in the church everytime the doors are open enough to see the white piano
Uuuhhh, I’m apostate, and I see the big white piano. What does that mean??
I would bring up election but Fundies wouldn’t support that either.
And I LOVE the caption!
The thing behind the hunched shoulders of the pastor on the right is either the bottom of a white piano or the bottom of the steps. If I were more holy, I’d probably be able to tell which it is.
That right. Top right of picture. Looks like a baby grand piano. Just seems out of place in an IFB church.
You, me, and Scorpio all need to apparently have some time at the altar if we’re ever gonna see that white piano!
It looks to me to be either pews or steps.
I think the piano is the little corner of the thing on the left.
I could see that (faux?) wood thing being some kind of small piano. I don’t see any white baby grand anywhere in the pic though.
Sort of like the “burning in the bosom.”
Right above Jack’s back is the side of a baby grand – the part right above the right hand front leg. Then the piano curves away to the right – the biggest curve in the piano is right behind the microphone stand. It’s hard to see at first against the white wall, but the piano’s surface is shinier; also it throws you off because you can’t see the top of it.
Looking at it some more, it looks like Jack and his friend were cut and pasted into the picture.
Yeah, it’s a REAL weird photo when you are trying to figure out what is in the background.
Stan stop it right now!
I still don’t see the piano. And if I look at it any longer, I will have an uncontrolable urge to sing “Nothing Between”.
Sorry
I think we need to hear from Darrell on this.
HAHAHA! BTW SFL: Some kind of weird version of twister they are performing mid-ordination, and the person behind them looks a little contorted as well (or possibly missing a left shoulder).
Yeah really.
“Dad!!! Stan keeps telling us there is a white piano in the picture, but we don’t see it. Make him stop!
Look Stan, old buddy old pal…you’ve been drinking too much of the Welches grape juice there aint no white piano. I’ve got others here who won’t drink the Koolaid either..BUT since you have an eye for detail would you mind telling me what is growing out of Jack’s back? Is that a person? Siamese twins attached at the sides? What?
Hello! See Kim’s post below. I thought I was the only one who can see it, but apparently not. I think Jack and his friends were cut and pasted into the picture which is why the guy behind Jack looks out of place.
Sorry, didn’t mean to cause quite a stir. I just saw the white piano and commented!
Stan,
No need to apologize. You will soon find out that there is one trait that ex Ifbers do not lose from fundy days gone by and that is an over abundance of sarcasm.
We love ya!
I do like white pianos, but only when they’re put to truly GOOD use…
http://tinyurl.com/2cmlwmq
You obviously have never been to a Dino concert held in a church!
Besides, music stores make deals on white pianos. No one wants one sitting in their living room.
haha
I would love to own one! Thanks for the tip!
Oh, yeah? Then why does anybody make them?
Since Liberace died, I think the market for pianos covered with little mirrors has bottomed out, too.
It’s definitely a white piano. You can see the curve in the wood as well as the beginning of the leg attachments. But then there’s that weird distorted person on Jack’s shoulders that covers the rest of it.
Maybe Dino plays piano there? Oh wait, that wouldn’t be very separated would it?
Actually if it was Dino, it would have to be fake jewel encrusted, white piano.
All I have to say is that that comb-over is amazing.
I’m amazed at how perfectly that guy’s hair is parted. That must take years to accomplish.
IDK how long fundys spend getting those parts so straight and rigid, but I’ve seen some that I’ve wondered if they had laser hair removal on the part to make it that distinct.
if you part it like that for a long enough time it will just lie that way even if you cut your hair.
How common is that position for “laying on of hands”? Never saw that one before!
If you know there’s a camera nearby, a little flourish is added.
Would this be the fundy equivalent of the vulcan mind meld?
Unfortunately it involves a removal of any and all forms of logic & reason, and an over-emphasis on manipulated emotions. I call it a soul-ectomy.
“I call it a soul-ectomy” too funny
LOL! I like you Scorpio!
I just wish there was an ecumenical way to de-ordain fundy crazies.
Their heads are way too far up their asses for this to be possible…
Verily.
It actually looks a little like Schaapy-boy…
I thought the same thing.
That’s because it is.
Maybe his hairstyle deserves his own post on here.
Long time lurker, first time commenter. Both of their suits seem to be cut from the same leftover polyester circa 1977. Am I the only one that cringes when I see a badly tailored suit? I automatically avert my eyes and hope I’m not about to be accosted by “preacher boy”.
My story: Grew up normal, parents found Fundy church when I was 14, spent the next 10 years in Fundyland: went to a fundy college that thought that BJU was den of iniquity full of compromisers (take a moment to digest that), married a “preacher boy” who came from a fundy home. My husband found a true relationship with Christ 18 months ago, realized he wasn’t “called to preach”, got a real job and we left the IFB movement shortly after. We’re battle scarred and trying to find our way.
God bless you in your search for peace and truth.
Trust God, He loves us. It gets better, be patient, it takes time to heal.
I’m a PK. 45 years in fundyland. 6 out. My wife and I are still pealing the fundy layers off.
Yikes, I’m still having flash-backs. Sorta like Fundie-PTSD. When walking in public and I see ANYTHING that resembles an oversized KJV, high water pants and the closer the dude gets, his right arm and hand start to automatically raise themselves to shake your hand…I loose all bladder control. It’s really embarassing.
Welcome aboard! Glad to have you with us. Take some time and rest and heal. I for one am very happy to hear of your awakening. God Bless you in your journey.
Similar story here. My parents found this “great church” when I was 15. They were adding new rules every day as they read Scripture as if for the first time. Went to PCC married a preacher boy and a few years after graduation we started our downward spiral of coming out of the cult. Praise God!
Benediction,
Welcome.
Its a winding road and the healing is a slow process but you are here amongst friends.
You are also fought for and very loved by a most gracious God.
Welcome. I wish you the best during your transition out of IFB. Keep loving Jesus and don’t become jaded and bitter (like Don). Fundamental Baptists love Jesus. There is just a whole lot more going on in Jesus’ name than they are aware of.
Welcome to a whole lot more.
Ditto
“Fundamental Baptists love Jesus”
Perhaps some do, but the ones I know love religion and athoritarian pastoral leadership and not necessarily Jesus. It’s all very man centered (at least what I have grown up around.)
yeah, you can be one or the other but but don’t mix them. Only a trained professional should mix jaded with bitter, if not done properly you could end up baded and jittered. So please don’t try this at home without proper training and supervision.
In the matter of loving Christ, let us not forget 1 John 4:7-21. We need to make sure we are loving others as well as hold those who claim love for Christ to the same standard.
I’ll have to think about that one…
@Don I’ve met some amatuer baded and jittered people, it wasn’t pretty!
TomK: did you just call Don “jaded and bitter”? I hope that was a joke, since we all know that this is the favorite invective of a certain fanatical group that happens to be the focus of this site.
I was actually thinking the same thing. That would be the first insult hurled at any of us who like this site. Seems unfair to hurl it at anyone else even if they don’t believe anything close to what you believe.
I think Tom was j/k
Jaded and bitter: Obviously there wouldn’t be a SFL if we weren’t all a little burnt and pissed. Don happens to be one of my favorite ranters. No insult intended.
Similar story. Was in a fundy church for about 20 years, been out for 2 years. Preacher kept yelling about don’t trust him, read if for yourself, guess what? I did and then had to leave!! God is so gracious and loves us so, stay in that precious Word. And now abide faith, hope and love, but the greatest of these is love.
Welcome to the board. I have a similar story. Fundies knocked on our door when I was about eight and won over my step mom hook, line, and sinker. My dad never bought into that stuff and as a result was branded an unsaved heathen whom they prayed for at church. Now I can see that he was the real voice of reason. There were substance abuse and violence problems with some of the people who lived at our house, but great care was taken not to let other people know and ‘hurt our testimony’. Went to HAC, which despite how much I disagree with its teachings, were the best years of my life compared to some of the craziness that had gone on at home. I realized the second and third years in how much I disagreed with them but stayed anyway, mostly because even through the oddity I’d never had so many people who truly cared. Graduated. Joined the military. Got married. Am about a year out of fundyland and loving life and the God who allowed me to live it.
Thank God for Fundyland
Fundyland is thankful for people like you.
Emily, Your story points out something that kinda gets overlooked here, there are folks that are doing some good things in fundyland, many for the wrong reasons, but I have to wonder where would you be had those fundies not knocked on your door, then going to HAC, well that may have given you time away from dysfunction at your home. God’s ways are above our ways, and He knows how to accomplish His will in our lives.
I agree completely. Many of the people I liked and keep in contact with are still fundy. I truly think God put them in my life for that period of time. Despite my mom’s conversion, I came to HAC as ‘trailer trash’ that had grown up with such a distorted way of living, I didn’t know what or how ‘normal’ was. This was in ways that embarrass me, thinking how lost I was when it came to even simple things like basic social graces.
Leaving was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. The decision took several years to finalize and it still hurts. There were a good number of things I still agreed with, but still so many things I disagreed with or thought were just plain wrong that I knew I couldn’t stay.
You are welcomed here. We are all battle scared to a certain degree. Some more then others, so we all feel your pain. May the Lord bless you as you find your way. The world is really a great and open place when you give it a chance and see it through the eyes of Jesus rather then the eyes of the Pharis…er…I mean Fundamentalists.
Thank you all for your warm welcome and well wishes. I have not found so great kindness, no, not in the IFB movement.
For all of you mouth-breather’s out there who are dorky wrestling fans, you’ll recognize this as the infamous sleeper hold!!! Got to laugh to keep from crying sometimes!
Are you actually Lee Dean the IFB evangelist or is this your moniker?
It is I! By the way, I’m a born-again Christian who’s been gloriously saved by the wonderful grace of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and called to preach His Word. I put all of that ahead of the church denomination I attend, as we all should. By the way, I just finished a revival last night in a Nazarene Church and held one last week in a Methodist Church. I don’t drink anyone’s “kool-aid” and preach anywhere, anytime, and anyplace.
God Bless!
Good to know. Let me book a schedule for you to speak at the nearest Unitarian Universalist fellowship.
The Methodists and Nazarene need some prayer for recovery?
Had great services each night at both churches! True godly people begging God for revival and getting their hearts right with God and begging Him to do great and mighty things in their lives and churches. Caught flack for preaching there from Baptist “Brethren”, but I was called to go preach God’s Word and do not run from that. Love the humor! God bless all!
Okay, what is up with the mismatched button on Schaap’s sleeve?
Did he get his suit from the Salvation Army?
I think that’s just a reflection from the flash. Another SFL: not knowing how to turn off the flash when there’s enough ambient light.
And of course the obv SFL: bad suits.
Laaaaaaaaaame. Catholic priests go all out and lie down on the floor when they are ordained.
(How do I know this? Because when I went through the conversion process, the priest leading our classes showed us the video from his ordination – supposedly to teach us about holy orders. He treated it like a video of his wedding day – which, I guess in a way, it kind of was…)
I will give it a similar caption that I gave at the other site. “And then Mr Hyles placed his hands on the dogs neck like this”
I just keep seeing the guy from Men’s Wearhouse saying, “You’re gonna like the way you look. I guarantee it.”, when I notice these guys are wearing the EXACT same color suits!
These must be Fundy Ordination Vestments from Guy’s Groovy Grabbag with locations in Hammond, Greenville, and Pensacola!
Because of pressure from certain Fundy types, Guy’s has officially changed its name to Guy’s Godly Grabbag.
lulz.
To refer to the shop which sells the righteous clothing as “groovy” is shameful–especially when such garments are sold by the Salvation Army!
Thus the reason for the name change! The groovy shop is no used for the youth department only.
Howling about the hidden caption!
The only thing that could have possible been better would have been, “Brother, you really need a breath mint!”
Maybe Jackie S. has read “Hyles helps halt halitosis from hindering hope for hundreds headed for hellâ€
Holy alliteration batman!
http://persifler.wordpress.com/2010/03/28/hyles-helps-halt-halitosis-from-hindering-hope-for-hundreds-headed-for-hell-anyone-have-a-breath-mint/
Here, have a breath mint
Ah, George, if you were truly savvy on all things Hyles, you’d know it is Binaca that is needed, not a breath mint.
au contraire mon ami, Binaca is for Pentecostals.
Check out Marjoe 2 @ 2:50 He names his breath freshener. But the rest of the clip is worth the price of admission.
http://persifler.wordpress.com/2010/08/24/marjoe-2/
Sorry; have to disagree.
My former pastor graduated from HAC and was one of the golden boys who emulated everything Hyles did. He carried a little bottle of binaca in his suit pocket everywhere he went. I’ve seen Hyles use it as well. It is kind of the HAC joke. Binaca is the only freshener a good fundy will use. 
I won’t quibble over Binaca and Tic-Tacs.
Is there really that much difference between the emotional experiences in the pentecostal movement and the emotional experiences in the fundy world? Other than speaking in tongues and women in the pulpit it’s all the same furniture so far as I can tell. The admini$tration ha$ the $ame agenda. Fundy preachers remind me of He-Man: “I Have the Pow-wah!”
Marjoe. I saw that film in its first run. I hadn’t thought of it for years. One of the best documentaries ever made.
I wonder what Marjoe Gortner is doing these days?
@Big Gary
When I was researching him after finding at documentary on YouTube one site said he is organizing/promoting Charity golfing events.
Funny thing is I actually remember his character from the movie “Earthquake.” What a cheesy movie! That was in that time frame after the success of “The Towering Inferno,” and “The Posiedon Adventure” and everybody was doing a disaster movie
“The laying of empty hands on empty heads.”
Well said!
hahahahaha! but so sadly true. sigh.
sexy
There are various reasons people choose to join the clergy. Some curve power, control, fame, status and adulation. My youth pastor desired none of these. He saw being a pastor as a way to help and serve people. He was one of the few adults from my fundie youth that I respected. He was also the only youth pastor I ever had who was not there to relive his adolescence. He was a nerd and proud of it.
He once got in trouble for having my fundie youth group attended a hayride and fall festival organized by a local Lutheran Church. I wish I were raised Lutheran. The kids in their youth group were nicer and the week before they saw “Pale Rider†at the movie theater, then want to McDonald to discuss the movie.
I believe he became a pastor of a small Baptist church in Ohio, one that had no problem cooperating with Lutherans, Methodist and Catholics in helping the poor and other local issues. His church’s softball team even played against Unitarians! I doubt his church is still in the GARBC.
I believe his ordination was the only one I ever attended.
Jim’s take on this:
I’m not and never will be a pastor but I think fundies join the clergy because they are “called by God”, and after 50 years, I still do not know what that means. The goal of a fundy preacher is “to do a work for God”. The methodologies and techniques used tend to be manipulative, cultish and abusive. The methods and techniques are justified by distorted interpretations of the Bible or flat out tradition. Most Fundy preachers are victims of fundyland themselves, they just haven’t figured it out yet. IMO, your youth pastor was not a fundy preacher.
Right On!
My husband and I had a few people in the past tell us, “You’re not a fundamentalist.” (First, my mom when she found out I read other versions besides the KJV.) We always said we were because we held to the fundamentals of the faith, we were sincere about serving Christ, and we’d been to BJU.
We just wanted “balance.” That’s what my husband always said he tried to have in his ministry. But now as we try to follow the Bible more closely and as a result are stepping away from a lot of the fundy “no-nos” we were taught, maybe those people were right. Maybe we never were fundies.
I was a Fundy preacher who was a victim of fundyland myself, but I have recently figured it out.
Being a PK myself, I can imagine, a little, just how much courage that takes.
I love this post, and the fact there’s a major brouhaha over the non existence of a white piano. I never could get those magic eye pictures, but I even tried that thousand yard stare trick that never worked for me on magic eye things, and I don’t see a white piano that way either. What’s the phrase? That way lies madness?
I just can’t believe-ah you “don’t” see-ah The White Piano-ah. Look-ah with the eyes-ah of faith, brother! can’t-ah you see-ah it there hiding-ah behind the mic stand-ah? O, go git-ah right with gid-ah so your eyes-ah will be open to see-ah what is right-ah there infront of you-ah. Go dip-ah seven times-ah in the nearest body of water-ah (legal disclaimer: round porcelain chambers that exchange waters in a swirling motion should be avoided) so that your eyes-ah may be open to the truth-ah of A White Piano-ah! Repent-ah of your unbelief-ah!
Look-ah and b-e-l-i-e-v-e-ah in the White Piano-ah!
You know Don, during the whole discussion about seeing or not seeing the white piano, I kept thinking this would make a great sermon topic!
Thank you for making my “wish” come true.
But I still don’t see the piano!!!
That’s because you’re not regenerated.
Great pic. Definitely a white piano with a man sitting on the bench. Look at the reflection of the mic stand on the piano. It’s a shiny white baby grand. I saw the piano before reading any comments. Definitely a white piano.
Hallelujah! I SEE it! (Although something DOES seem wrong with the person in the background.)
Well for starters they are at a church service with Jack Schaap….
LOL! That goes without saying!
There’s definitely a white baby grand up there. No question about it. However, I’m not sure that the man in the background is sitting on the bench. For one it doesn’t look like it’s the right height.
Its official, I need to have my eyes poked out, they are doing me no good whatsoever. I still see no white piano. I feel like I’m playing that “I’m thinkg of something that starts with my initianl (r)” type college game, and unable to figure the scheme out that everyone is seeing a piano with!
@scorpio help me out here, what am I missing? I saved the image, zoomed in on the mic stand, all I see is glare.
RobM. You’re eyes are o.k. My wife called me at work due to all the fuss I started about the white piano saying she didn’t see it either. Came home and pointed it out to her and she still can’t see it. But my daughter took one look at it and saw it right away. This goes back to my original question – I’ve never seen a white piano in an IFB church!
I love the whole thing! That your wife actually called you about “causing a ruckus” makes it even more precious!
I still don’t see it. I get it that I might need more faith and all that, but also a higher resolution monitor or something? I never saw magic eye posters, either.
O me of little faith. No white piano, no person on a bench. Nothing but peculiar bannisters and steps, and a weirdly distorted person, very small, behind the two very large guys in bad suits doing whatever they’re doing with each other.
I finally saw it. That is indeed the under portion of a baby grand piano. I should know. I spent many a Sunday afternoon snoozing under one at a fundy church that had lured my song leader dad and his piano playing daughter (me) to help in a “new work”. We commuted 40 miles one way and stayed in the church all day to avoid wasting gas. After lunch in the church basement I’d take a blanket and curl up under the piano for a nap. It was nice and private what with the modesty wall all the way around. Them was the days. Glad they’s gone. It was a black piano.
This pic is like one of those optical illusion pictures- do you see the rabbit or the duck, do you see two faces or one vase, the young woman or the old woman. It’s like positive and negative space trading places. Flips back and forth, back and forth, back and… acck! I need a cup of coffee!
It’s a new day. A good night’s sleep last night (no grape juice to cloud my judgement). I still don’t see it.
Reminds me of a line from “The Da Vinci Code”:
“The eye sees what it wants to see”.
I guess some of just don’t want to see it.
This has been fun though
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who see the “white piano” and those who don’t.
The ordinations I’ve seen have had several people placing their hands on the guy being ordained to impart sufficient mystic energies. This dude must be super spiritual if he can solo this one.
Of corse he dose have a white piano. That alone should vouch for his mad ordinating skills.
I was going to testify to the same thing! Every ordination I ever saw had every single man who was “anybody” participating. Even if the crowd of men around the person being ordained so was thick you could no longer see him. And even if it meant some of them could no longer claim to be “laying on hands” but actually “laying on tip of fingernails”!
That is a visual representation of third and fourth degree separation. You lay hands on someone who is laying hands on someone who is laying hands on someone.
Do the Baptist Conga!
LOL @ “mad ordinating skills”! HaHa!
There was an ordination service at our small IFB church when I was about eleven, and I was so freaked out at all those men surrounding a man kneeling and then putting their hands on him. Our church was very restrained and non-physical; people tend to be very private, and it just seemed so … indecent, maybe (to my sheltered self), certainly shocking!
Maybe this will help the white-piano nonbelievers: Only three things in the picture are white: shirts, the stair rail, and the curvy side of the baby grand piano. Oh yeah, and the stripes in the American flag…
What American flag?
There’s a flag now?!
I think that’s Waldo behind the lady’s right sholder.
I just scrolled up and looked a.gain . . . don’t see it.
OK. Now I see the white piano. It’s just to the left of the elephant that’s holding a KJB.
If you think about it, a white piano is the perfect choice for a Fundyland church. Black is of the devil, and the wood finishes might cause a church split. White is the color of purity – perfect for a church platform or mainfloor for the Fundyland churches that don’t elevate their instruments.
…and Darrell must be endlessly amused and amazed by where these topics end up going!
I, for one, find Darrell’s refusal to control the direction of the bunny trails to be very refreshing.
I am a benevolent dictator
I’m a benevolent dictator, too, right, Staci? Of course, the benevolent part is not a given…
Of all the loaded questions! All those years in fundyism prepared me to live under a dictator, but I still find it hard to accept that there is such a thing as genuine benevolence. A benevolent dictator? Makes my head spin.
You just caused a fundamentalist to practice separation!
http://gloryandgrace.dbts.edu/?p=443
Maybe it’s time to drop the label, Dave.
This is awesome. I love it when fundies separate from each other.
At least this guy has a biblical reason instead of the beat of someone’s music.
….”and if they don’t repent then you grab them like this and you bring your knee up like this……”
This post is a dud. What is wrong here? According to the comments the things wrong are bad suits, poor lighting, and the wrong color of piano. Is this what is wrong with the fundies? If only! Darrell, has the well gone dry?
Commentators, some of you are beginning to resemble what you hate.
The commenters are having fun, and poking fun. Don’t harsh their squee.
What makes this post good is the caption. The alt helps, too.
You crack me up, randy.
No, seriously. You really do.
Data point
It really is too easy
Yeah, the post by randy wos so obnoxious, obtuse, and intent on denying any fun to be had, I had to triple check if I thought it was a parody of what a humorless fundy would say, but I couldn’t convince myself of that. I can’t imagine going through life so sour that you can’t take time to laugh at thde white piano in the room. Oh nvrmnd, I went through 4 years of pcc, so I can.
Good point Randy!!
1. nit picking-check
2. personal insults-check
3. emphasis on dress-check
4.rabbit trails into non essentials(like Piano color)-check
5. emphasis on the non essential that others dont even see-(is i ti even there?)check
Why, it’s practiclaly a Jack Schaap outline!
These aren’t ex-fundys–they just changed brands!
I admit it, I’m amused.
@John: And you’re here to do what, exactly? Bring us back into the fold? Or rather, back into the darkness of the cave? Good luck.
Neither.
Just keeping it real, just keeping it real.
I don’t subscribe to your version of reality, then.
Subscription unecessary, it are what is for both of us my friend!
chillax
If most of your posts are your reflection of reality, then I respectfully decline to participate in your delusion.
Difference: No one here is claiming to set the standards of “true godliness” for everyone else to follow.
Now that IS a true Fundie activity. My daughter and all the females in her class when she attended fundie Christian (co-called) School, were subjected to Dress-check everyday. (lest someone see the knee cap and fall into lust)
Difference, though: it’s just joking on here. In fundamental circles, they’re serious as a heart attack.
Can’t blame people for getting all cheerful when they’ve just recently come out of unfortunate pasts.
You’re going to look awfully silly next month when all this humor hits you some Saturday at 2:36pm on aisle 7 in the grocery store. Just pray it doesn’t hit you during the opening prayer of the third Sunday’s morning service….
(betcha think about it now on that third Sunday and the next time you find yourself on aisle 7)
Randy and John. IFB churches (goes for their men too) can be so cookie-cutter in appearance that I made a simple remark about never seeing a white piano in one. It actually turned into a quite a humorous thread about whether it actually existed in the picture. Give us a little slack! By the way, do you two see it?
Stan – BTW, I think it is funny that your wife called you about the “ruckus”.
We will be able to refer to this post as the “white piano incident”.
No prob. Yes I saw it and commented earlier about how most are brown. It is hard to see but obviously there.
I have enjoyed the post.
Thank you randy and John. You are just confirming my theory that humor, satire and irony are all utterly and completely lost on fundies.
I could try to explain to you what makes this post humorous, but I would just be wasting my time and yours.
Scorpio,
Who said we didn’t find it funny/ironic?
Don’t judge me man!
Hey! Don’t judge me for judging you for judging me
So you are one of the elite who can see the piano? I really feel separated.
To assist those who still can’t see the white piano, here’s a little pointer.
OK, kinda. Maybe. If I turn my head sideways and squint funny.
Maybe they’re looking for an entire piano…
I see the white piano.
Eureka! I have finally found the white piano, after staring at that picture for far too long.
I think I found it thanks to Tiqatoo’s hint. I’m still not convinced it’s a piano and there. My (very poor) MSPAINT’ing of where the piano is (forgot the front leg). http://i1221.photobucket.com/albums/dd465/rub1000/Piano.jpg
I want so much to see the piano but I think it’s a wall. My piano/voice teacher had a white baby grand in her living room (I offer this as evidence that I can identify white pianos in the wild).
Rob – If that piano is as big as your drawing would make it appear, it’s the size a pick-up truck!
There’s definitely a white piano in the upper right corner of the picture. It is the bottom part going down to a leg.
Oh, and my former IFBx church had a white baby grand piano too…
Darrell, you are brilliant.
Try sitting like the guy in the background. Get in the same position, put your hand and arm like his and then extend your index finger. I believe the man may have been picking his nose when this photo was taken.
The guy in the background has the same colour suit as the other two.
The three guys are very obviously Photoshopped onto the picture of the stairs and piano…see the black outline where the background behind the three guys was erased away.
Regardless, it’s still hilarious!
I have to take offense to the insinuation that being ordained is a “fundy” activity. I am currently working toward becoming a chaplain for the Air Force and one of the requirements for becoming a chaplain is to be ordained.
No, ordination per se is not a Fundy activity. Ordination in a Fundy church by a Fundy pastor to a Fundy pastorate is a Fundy activity.
Not to mention the successful indoctrination with all the fundy skills and theology. “Welcome to the ruling class” really is really true on so many levels.
Ordination as gateway to being a member of the “ruling class” is the point here.
Almost every denomination that I know of has some form of ordination.
Jonathan,
1.) Thank you for serving your country.
2.)Ditto everything Darrell said.
Ooh! Good choice of branch! I’m in the Air Force.
It’s a grand piano.
Check out the image here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Fortepian_-_schemat.svg
Note the diagonal piece going from the area of the pedals to the underside of the piano; that’s the dark diagonal thing you’re seeing that seems to sprout from Jack’s back.
I was ordained by Jack’s FIL. I have a picture like this one with Big Jack Cheese laying hands on me. I am not sure where it is…I think it is in my attic somewhere. These ordinations are a joke–no questions or analysis by other ministers–no need to explain any doctrinal positions. BTW, love that haircut on Jack Jr–1950 called and wants it back!
Matthew Richards
This is my first time here and I have to say that I love this blogging community. Laugh at the past which was not funny and look with hope to the future. Very cool.
For the record I saw the piano right away but I was so glad some didn’t so Don could write out that sermon. It reminded me of my West Virginia preaching days. Good stuff.
Where’d you preach at in WV?
I live in Huntington, WV and preach/sing in many parts of the state.
http://bereanbaptchurch.com/aboutus.aspx
It’s a white piano, people.
Scroll down on the linked page.
Tammy, I was just starting to think “she’s ok”, and now this! So so so sad to see another white piano believer!
Rob – did you look at the page?
Yes I did. I am now & always will be a staunch un-piano-believer. It’s too much fun to give up & admit!
Thank you Tammy, my faith is confirmed.
Oy! I guess some folks think that is something to brag about???
I didn’t grow up IFB, and my denomination doesn’t ordain or have a pastor – we have a group of elders chosen by the church. Thusly…I have absolutely no clue the purpose that ordination serves, let alone going to seminary. My husband has tried to explain it to me, but I just don’t get it.
There is not much to “get” really. Its institutionalized religious ritualism.
I am posting after the Jack Scaap “having sex with a minor across state lines” scandal has broke…. So I wonder how all the “pastors” whom have been ordained by this jerk feel now? Maybe they need to re-ordain?