Student Handbooks that Would Make Draco Jealous Redux

As I’ve been hearing about the whole Koran-burning craziness going on down in Florida (by the way, what is it with Florida and religious crazies?) I’ve been at least thankful that for once it isn’t the Baptists giving Christianity a big black eye. Then I got the chance to read the Dove World Outreach Center’s Academy Handbook and I realized that they’re not as far off the fundy path as all that.

Rules for students include:

– The student is responsible to share the gospel with one person every day

– No eating out in restaurants (this is how we know they’re not Baptists) All students are also weighed weekly to make sure they’r reaching their “weight goals.”

– No visiting with family or receiving visits with no exceptions for weddings, funerals, or birthdays.

– Showers are to be between 5 and 7 minutes.

– No Romantic Relationships between students of the opposite sex. (Do I detect a huge loophole there?)

Draconian would seem to be an apt description. Or what the Roloff Homes would call “At least a good start…”

147 thoughts on “Student Handbooks that Would Make Draco Jealous Redux”

  1. Whoa. Did the look just change around here again, or am I hopelessly dense?

    Speaking of looks and being dense: who wouldn’t have to take just one look at Yosemite Sam there to know he’s the rootinest tootinest maroon this side of Appalachia and steer clear? It takes a special kind of crazy to follow a guy who doesn’t even look like he might be legit.

  2. Huh, looks like the handbook contains the stereotypical fundy-level spelling and (prescriptive) grammatical skills. It’s nice to know they have such high educational standards.

  3. What a nutcase. Who on earth would send their children to be “educated” – that is brainwashed – at this horrible place? Jail time would be easier. And to think, this nut job may very well be responsible for endangering our troops, provoking riots, and generally creating mayhem in the Muslim world.

  4. The spelling and grammar is atrocious. At times, I thought I was reading something that had passed through four or five translators…
    Anyway, I’m surprised the students aren’t required to take a vow of silence. The academy says that there should be no extra time for talking to the opposite sex, students cannot talk to family members employed by the academy…sounds like a monastery or something. Yellow Marks, Red Marks, 90% Schedule completion….what in the world?!?

    Might as well say “I hereby renounce my free will and and give complete course of life to Wiley Coyote”

  5. “If for any reason the student do not want to right the issue, the student is suppose to ask for an appointment.” “Given orders, can not be changed, communicate with the leader. Not with any person, but the person in charge, this is mainly Pastor Wayne and Stephanie.”

    I may have to print this off and save it to use in some of my English classes for students to find errors and correct them. This is horrific writing. It reminds me of the “school” run by Squeers in “Nicholas Nickleby.”

  6. I have been watching this scenario unfold and I am in utter amazement. His congregation is about 25. If him and his little round up gang burns the koran on Saturday there will be mass chaos around the world and many a soldier will be put in jeopardy. The world truly believes that THIS is Christianity…I am curious to know what the extreme IFBers think of this “pastors” antics.

    1. I go to a VERY traditional IBF church: the pastor said last night he wouldn’t go down there but he was for it, and said how disappointed he was in General Petraus (sp) that he wouldn’t let our soldiers have Bibles but he was condemning Dove outreach.
      And I’m sitting there shaking my head is disbelief.

  7. PS…sound familiar?…
    US fundamentalist pastor Terry Jones, who wants to burn copies of the Koran on Sept. 11, ran a church in the western German city of Cologne until last year when members of the congregation expelled him. Former members have spoken of his hate-filled sermons and insistence on “blind obedience.”

  8. Most of the staunch IFBs I have talked to support it and think anyone who is against burning the Koran has (at best) been influenced by liberals or (at worst) is unsaved and is an active promoter of Satan.

      1. There’s a LOT wrong w/ IFB’s, and I think/hope the Nazir reference is in jest. Nazi’s gassed 6 million Jews, and were responsible for millions of other deaths in combat. Experimented on many of the Jews before gassing them. I really really hate when people pull out Nazi/Hitler references even in jest/overstatement.

        1. Yeah, I still object when Nazis/Hitler are used as metaphors. It may be inevitable, but I’m not ok with it.

    1. This fundy doesn’t. I applaud him for his willingness to take a stand on false religion, rather than hold hands in an ecumenical meeting with Jews, Muslims, Catholics, etc and say that all paths lead to heaven…but I think his energy is misguided and would be better spent actively working FOR the cause of Christ, rather than AGAINST Islam. Though after this guy and his Koran burning was mentioned at church last night, I know I’m in the minority of fundies, even within my own church.

      1. I’m glad it wasn’t brought up in my church last night. I’m afraid of what the pastor’s stance would be and the subsequent number of amens condoning this nonsense.

      2. But you’ve set up a false “either/or” situation: either join hands in an ecumenical, interfaith meeting or take a stand for truth (such as he’s doing, you say). Many preachers and writers are clearly stating that Islam is NOT a legitimate way to heaven. The Bible says Christ is the only way: “no man cometh unto the Father but by me.” One doesn’t have to burn a Koran to take a stand for truth.

      3. VAFundy, if you applaud him you are just as much as a nutcase as he is. And I condemn you for it.

        BTW – I am a Catholic and Catholics are indeed Christian. In fact, we are the first Christians and anything that is good in your religion you got from us.

        1. Utter nonsense. Anything good I got, I got from Christ. Your church no more brokered the blessings of being in Christ than the makers of Bayer aspirin created all pain relief.

        2. Interesting claim that everything “Christian” came from Catholicism. My mother-in-law is Catholic and told me last weekend in conversation that her church uses the authorized King James Version. If the same holds true for you, please show me in your Bible where the designation for Catholics is. The New Testament CLEARLY references John the Baptist! 🙂 I know that most Catholics believe Peter founded the Catholic church, but if you do your research on the original texts you learn that the reference to Peter indicate stone & the references to Christ indicate rock. It would seem pretty straight-forward then that Christ (not Peter) is/was the intended foundation.
          Jesus said, I AM THE WAY, THE TRUTH, AND THE LIFE. He didn’t say Peter, Mary or any other person, whether they’re a saint or not. BTW, ALL Christians are saints in God’s eyes.

        3. “The New Testament CLEARLY references John the Baptist”

          And we all know that John the Baptist was a true independant, fundamental, KJV Only, short hair wearing, no rock & roll music, no pants on woman, in the church 5 times a week, separate from the world baptist. Amen?

      4. But this guy is apostolic, meaning he believes in Tongues Signs and Wonders and therefore must be possessed. So hasn’t your church taken the first step towards ecumenicism?

        1. Given fundies’ obsession with separation it is pretty ironic that any fundy would be supporting a man they would otherwise separate from.

  9. As I read the shower rule, the following conversation played itself in my head…

    “Hey, Dave, haven’t seen you for a while – how’s the job situation?”

    “Well, I got laid off from my job last year, but God is good — I got another job”

    “Great? What are you doing?”

    “I’m the shower checker at a Christian Academy”

    …and then the conversation takes a downhill turn.

    javascript:grin(‘:grin:’)

    1. I dunno about you, Andi, but it takes more than 5 minutes for me to rinse, lather, repeat, and condition my hair. Any of those female students have their “glory” down to their waists or more, it’d be worse for them. They’d have to choose between washing and conditioning their hair, or washing the rest of themselves.

      1. Jeez, I didn’t even think about the hair! Mine’s been short for years I forgot about the time it took.

        I’ve gotten better (not five minutes better) but I was a notorious shower-by-the-hour teenager. 😆

  10. In the course of speaking with my Dad (a present fundy) on the phone last night, he mentioned something to the effect of ‘well, you gonna be doing any Koran burning?’ to which I just kind of grunted. I told him I thought it was all a bit ridiculous and could have the potential to cause serious problems. His response was ‘well, I don’t see anybody getting all upset when Bibles are burned.’ Seriously? 😕

    1. I had a conversation with a friend (well-meaning, but IFB) that went the exact same way. Our Talk Radio people here in SC are having cows using the same logic. I am surrounded by insanity. 😐

  11. Lol

    “The Student is responsible for what he eats. There is no law about that”.

    Gave themselves away law keepers…

    Directly above it

    “No eating at restaurants”.
    “Sweets and cakes are not allowed”.

  12. “Well I don’t know why I came here tonight,

    I got the feeling that something ain’t right,

    I’m wondering if that’s Achmed over there ,

    I’m so scared he might light up my hair,

    Fundy Clowns to the left of me,

    Imams to the right, here I am,

    Stuck in the middle of the pew.”

        1. 🙁 Just a tribute to the American Taliban whose “Stuck on Stupid” antics will get us put in the middle of some real serious sh–. Stuck in the middle of the pew…

  13. Can a “Fife Fold” ministry offer a “stabile” environment? Too many questions caused by the very first sentence.

    Perhaps this is not just another fundy personality “small-c” cult, but a full-blown Cult. Any religious organization that controls communication with family, hygiene, and access to food, as well as unquestioned and blind obedience to their authority…

    1. Exactly! A weird, tiny cult. Sadly, he’s being given full legitimacy by the media. And they keep calling him “pastor.” Wish they’d call him the “director” or the “overlord.”

      1. It’s not that far outside the mainstream of fundamentalism. His particular cult may be nuts, but I’ve already had 1 PCC professor semi-defend burning of Koran’s on my facebook.

    2. “Fife Fold”—is that like fluted, only smaller?

      This bunch certainly sounds like a crazy cult. It’s only the media attention that makes them important. If not for that, they could have burned a stack of Korans, and nobody more than five miles away would have noticed. Too bad it was a slow news week.

      1. I believe a Fife Fold Ministry has something to do with Barney Fife and following his style of ministry. Obviously, we don’t want to sully the name of Barney by connecting him with this yahoo.

  14. Wow. Looks like somebody doesn’t practice what the preach (from page 2): “The student is required to be friendly to everyone…When being confronted concerning a bad attitude or any other issue repentance and apology is expected immediately.”

    1. Yeah, that’s the trick BJU/PCC loves to use, “we aren’t like those psychos”. I’m convinced fundy schools get half their students based on the “not as psycho as HAC or these types.

    2. Yes and no. I admit that BJU has better spell-checkers. But the obsession with weight? My dear friends, I don’t think there’s one woman on BJU faculty who has had to perform on stage who hasn’t been clearly excoriated and humiliated publicly over her weight. I’m sweating over here just remembering it. For just me, it happened in the costume room, it happened in the dining common, it happened at the University Medical Associates.

      These rules are only different from BJU in their style. Really. Students who stay there for four years don’t get the brunt of it. . . .

  15. It seems like the grammar and spelling get worse with every page. My favorite bit, from the top of page 3:

    If for any reason the student do [basic subject-verb disagreement] not want to right the issue [as in, return it to an upright position?] the student is suppose[d] to ask for an appointment. . . .
    Given orders, [unnecessary comma] can not [cannot] be changed, [semicolon?] communicate with the leader. [Why, if orders “can not be changed”?] Not with any person, but the person in charge, this is mainly Pastor Wayne and Stephanie.

    For those of you playing grammar bingo at home, that last bit has the dubious distinction of being both a fragment and a common splice!

    No backtalking

    And no periods, either.

  16. Haha Jordan.

    My issue is this: they’re burning copies of the Koran because Islam is of the devil, against the Bible, etc etc.

    The thing is, there are a LOT of things going on in the world today that the Bible is against. And yet they’re not burning all of them. If you’re going to make a stand at least make one against everything. Not the one thing that will jeopardize our troops in the Middle East.

  17. Darrell, if you’ve ever read the column “News of the Weird”, you will have noted that there is NEVER a column that does NOT have a story out of Florida. We pride ourselves as being the bastion of crazy, the resort of last resort, and the place where the nutjobs go to make their last stand (better to be gunned down in sunny weather, perhaps).

    1. Adam Carolla has a WONDERFUL game called “Florida or Germany” in which he tries to guess whether a news story is from Florida or Germany, and it’s almost impossible to tell.

  18. With the constant push, push, push of work and no outside interests, this place is burnout looking to happen. I’d be willing to bet that when the students leave they will be so worn out that most will be out of the church and possibly christianity itself inside of five years. Even the Good Lord rested on the 7th day and Jesus attended weddings and funerals.

  19. Galatians 5:22-23 “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,” 23 “Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law.”

    IMO, to many Christian’s live like those verses are not in their Bible.

  20. I am really not sure why everyone seems to think that the reason that he should not burn the Koran is because it is a danger to our troops.

    How about that it flies in the face of a number of passages including “love your enemies.”

    There are going to be extremists who are trying to kill our troops regardless of what this nutjob does (even though I am sure he is hurting our cooperation with moderates). However, I am appalled at what this stunt is doing to the name of Christ.

  21. We just got an urgent email from some of our missionaries in a Muslim country. They said the locals are already planning retaliatory acts if this happens. This could hardly be more serious for believers in Muslim countries.

    1. Yes, this is another important reason (among many!) why I really hope this whack-job doesn’t go through with his threat. Our troops–God bless ’em–are taught, trained, and equipped to deal with extremists who would do them harm. Our missionaries, on the other hand, rely on months and years worth of trust, relationship building and convincing people that they come in the name of Christ’s love, not with some nationalistic agenda.

      I personally know several such missionaries serving in “sensitive” areas and I’m praying for their safety and the safety of the local believers and seekers they work with.

  22. I hesitate to say, in case I’m taken wrong, but this may be a very good mirror to hold up to the US. Our religious extremists are no different from “their” religious extremists. Both are vile, evil, and intolerant, just in slightly different measure.

    1. Slightly different? OK, I’m opening a can of worms here, but I see a huge difference in burning a book (as repugnant as that is) and setting a school on fire and then shooting the girls that come out as has happened in Afghanistan. We have a few crazies (this man’s church is reported as only having 50 people), but there are tens of thousands chanting “Death to America” over there. When a British teacher asked her students to name their classroom stuffed bear mascot and they chose “Mohammed”, there were crowds rioting in the streets calling for her EXECUTION!!!!

      I totally agree that both are vile, evil, and intolerant, but I still see a HUGE difference in degree!

      1. Sorry, but I think when you have to resort to measuring “degrees of vileness”, you lose. We say, “don’t judge Christians by this wack job!” yet we’ll happily paint all of Islam by Al Queada. I’m not saying you particularly, just us as a “Christian Nation tm”.

        But okay, fine, our fundies aren’t as bad as their fundies.

      2. Remembering that Jesus implies that just thinking about adultery is the same as committing it, yes, what Jones might do is the same as what is done. If you shift to politics and ask what is better, then, yes, the evil is much different. The Moslems are not Christians, so one cannot apply a Christian world-view comparison. Jones is said to be a Christian, but doesn’t seem to measure up to standards. That makes him more evil than the Moslems.

        Politically, though, he is pretty mild-mannered and if he was just burning a flag as a protest of the evil of the United States, no one would care.

    2. I agree we have lots of ugly fundies, but we don’t have stonings, honor rapes, acid attack on women. Sadly as bad as our fundies are they are correct that even our most lunatic of fundamentalists (look at you Jack Schaap) don’t repress women to near the degree as they do elsewhere. I suspect you would be right that given the opportunity, Christian fundies would go as far or further as those extremists, but fortunately don’t have the opportunity here, and I hope & pray they never do.

      1. Only because they know they CAN’T get away with it here, yet. If they could, IMO, the would follow suit in a heartbeat. The only reason our fundies aren’t as bad is that was have laws protecting us from the worst excesses.

    1. For those who read it, remember that there were a bunch of books burned in Acts. Match that up with the reasons of why books are burned. I’m not slapping the author down, mind you, but, as I commented on the blog, be careful.

      1. As noted by me and several others, it is one thing when a converted follower from another religion burns his own pagan or error-filled books. It is quite another to seize books from another religion and then burn them.

        1. In the context of your remarks, you are saying that if Jones converted from Islam you are okay with his burning, on 9/11, Korans that he bought IN PUBLIC. I wonder how many would agree with that. I don’t.

          I would rather he burn his student book (assuming this isn’t a plant. Do we have proof it is real and not, perhaps, a spoof?)

      2. Acts 19 – “And many of those who practiced magic brought their books together and began burning them in the sight of everyone; and they counted up the price of them and found it fifty thousand pieces of silver.” It seems that in this situation people were destroying their own personal property in a very public way to show that they were no longer going to practice magic. I do consider this a bit different from purposefully choosing the sacred book of another’s religion and burning it to make a point about how evil it is.

        In my own little way, I just destroyed a book myself. I just sold a bunch of books at a homeschool booksale, but I had a set of books from the Ezzos which I’m not selling! I consider their teachings potentially dangerous so I’m throwing them away! My property – now my trash! Maybe I should go to a homeschooling convention and burn them in the parking lot out front! HeeHee.

      3. Total non-sequitur.

        1st century book burning of own book was more a less a way of disposing publicly to say they had left the ways they were previously part of. NO indication whatsoever of anyone in scripture to my knowledge ever actively acquiring books/icons/etc to destroy as a way of inflaming/protesting.

        1. Did you read her blog post? I was replying that her shaft at the papacy was unfair. (The first book burned was Bibles by the Papacy? Sounded like a fundie to me.) She then brought in “others” who I don’t know about saying that Jones would have been great if he had been a convert from Islam. That was a non-sequitur.

          Book burning can be traced back to Jeremiah’s time, of course, and that would have been a much better example.

          But, read her reaction to my initial comment to her post.

      4. Another thing to think about is 1 Corinthians 5:9-13. We’re told to purge the evil person from among the assembly of believers. But Paul clearly says that it’s not our job to judge (or even break association with) those who are outside the body of Christ who commit the same sins, including idolatry.

      5. Now, you see, to me that episode is prime evidence that the Bible cannot always be taken literally as an infallible guide to how we should live. All I can think of is that, in Classical culture, magic and philosophy were heavily intermixed with what we now call science and start sniffling quietly for the learning that was lost.

        But then, if I could get my hands on a working time machine, my first trips would be the Library of Alexandria before the big fire (although there were several, so timing would be difficult), and the libraries of Baghdad just before the Mongols swept through.

  23. No one else has mentioned so perhaps I am going off on a tangent. I’m not trying to stir up an argument. I think, however, that it should be mentioned that no matter how wrong this guy may be he has every right to burn the Koran if he chooses. It’s a First Amendment issue. I strongly disagree with his actions. What good could they possibly do? Still I have to say that if he wants to burn a Koran or any other book (yes, that includes a Bible, even the KJV) that is his right. The soldiers that he may be endangering have signed on to fight to protect that very right. He has the right to be wrong as we have the right to disagree with him.

    1. What about endangering the missionaries and normal civilians that didn’t sign up for this sort of thing? Its somewhat unlikely that an attack would go off without some sort of collateral damage.

    2. Yes, you are right, Private. But we also have a right to tell him he’s wrong and doing evil. That’s our right, too. The lives of the people over there are precious, and the name of the Savior is precious. We don’t need this clown trashing either one.

    3. PrivateI

      You’re thinking somewhat like an American Churchian, but not up to Fundie level. Fundies operate by the Bible, proof-texted out of context. Trying to bring in the Constitution misses the whole point because only Mormons think of the Constitution as inspired by God.

      Even reconstructionalistic fundies only have a secondary inspiration view, I hope.

    4. I strongly support the First Amendment, and therefore I don’t question anyone’s absolute right to burn a Quran or any other book, symbol, flag, etc., as a form of free speech.
      There is, however, often a difference between what one has a right to do and what is good and wise to do. If we all switch from advocating our own beliefs to burning each other’s books, our discourse becomes really stupid, really fast.

      Jesus was surrounded by paganism and other rival religions, and by interpretations of Judaism radically at odds with his message, yet I find no evidence that he ever burned a book or condoned book-burning.

    5. I understand that the dangers are there. However, I feel the danger in censorship are greater in the long run. For the record, I did say that we had the right to disagree. Though I was less that explicit, that would include our right to speak out against him. I thoroughly support (make use of) that right as well. If we ignore the First Amendment, then we’re probably on the same page as those who burn books.

      1. Agree, PrivateI,

        But we still have the same right to say we disagree, even strongly.

        As Christians, though, should we act unlovingly to those inside the faith? As someone above pointed out, what people outside do should be nothing to us.

        Therefore, if that student instruction book is for real, then you might want to send a kind letter to Jones stating what you have against it. If he replies well, you won a brother.

    6. Instead of burning their holy book, Terry Jones should start a blog that derides their idiosyncratic beliefs and lifestyles. I’ve heard that’s a very effective strategy. He could call it “Stuff (Muslim) Fundies Like.”

      1. 😛 😀 😆 😛 😀 😆

        Based on the record of comparable endeavors, I’m sure that radical Islamic fundamentalism would quickly melt away if he did that.
        😉 😉 😉 😉 😉 😉

    7. Your point on the first amendment is absolutely right. However, as a Christian, I would hope that Jones’ actions would be based on his freedom in Christ to put others first and not his own hatred.

  24. The handbook, if it is truly the handbook, doesn’t say if the room inspections are white-gloved or not. My wife endured that sort of thing. Maybe I should write and suggest that…

  25. How can somebody no more literate than the author of that Handbook claim to know what the Quran says? That would require, you know, reading it and such.

    Speaking of reading it, I’ve been wondering if they planned to burn Qurans in original Arabic or in translations. As many readers will know, Muslims say that only the original Arabic words of the Quran are authoritative, and that the Quran in any other language is only a version and therefore subject to error. Being a translator myself, I can see the point. Any work of translation requires some interpretation, and those interpretations seldom encompass every possible meaning of the original text.

    I don’t mean to write a guide for book-burners, and I don’t think angry militant Muslim fundamentalists would be mollified if they knew that only translations were burned, but if you really want to burn the book, you aren’t doing it if you only burn the translation.

  26. Come on people. Burning books is so 20th century (or 1st century in Acts). To keep with the times and technology, what should be done is, download the Quran from Amazon, then just hit delete. Mission accomplished 😛

  27. Hey guys, might I suggest not joking about sinful things?

    But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. –Eph 5:3

    Look, I get it, the rules at this “pastor” (he’s not one, but I don’t like name-calling) is making ridiculous rules. But that’s not an excuse for us to think about the consequences of the loopholes. Let’s see if we can keep ourselves pure in this.

    1. Lighten up, Francis.

      That joke stems from an unfortunate use of language in a document that is filled to the brim with poor use of language. It does not stem from the purient attitudes of the bloggist (blogger? bloggist? blogarian? I have my own issues with language).

  28. For what it’s worth, here’s Abraham Piper’s take on the book-burning incident:

    Both the president and General Petraeus have warned that this could risk the lives of our soldiers.

    Obama said,

    “I just want [Jones] to understand that this stunt that he is talking about pulling could greatly endanger our young men and women who are in uniform.”

    So are Obama and Petraeus prejudiced, because it sounds to me like they’re simply assuming that Muslims are gonna get violent about this?

    Jones told Nightline, “[Islam] is a very dangerous religion.” It seems our leadership and many Americans completely agree.

    What happened to Islam being a religion of peace?

    If what our leaders are saying is true, then the main problem isn’t some idiotic Floridian, it’s a worldwide religion that kills people because of an idiot.

    Every religion includes offensive fringe freaks. Only one religion that I’m aware of makes the whole world scared for its safety when it gets insulted by one of these freaks who happens to have made it on the news.

    How can we condemn Jones’s actions without also condemning the religion that makes his actions so dangerous? Sure, Jones is not being kind or prudent–He’s an absolute fool.–but the fact that he is causing legitimate worry about the safety of our soldiers, missionaries, expatriates, etc., is not his fault. It’s Islam’s.

    Or…

    Islam is a religion of peace and Obama, along with America at large, is unfairly concerned. In that case, there’s nothing to worry about.

    (taken from twentytwowords.com)

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