A Few Days Off

For the next week, I’ll be taking some much-needed time off and probably won’t be posting on here.

Unless I think of something I just have to post immediately. Or get bored.

The comments are usually more entertaining than the posts anyway, so I’ll invite you entertain yourselves as you see fit.

39 thoughts on “A Few Days Off”

  1. Yes. This one is is from the Independent Baptist International Separated Until the Rapture School of Theology and Sanctified Hymnody for my fine work in defending the hymn “Blessed Assurance” against the liberal claims that it contains an inordinate amount of psuedo-sexual imagery.

    I expect you all to address me as Dr. Darrell now.

    Thanks.

  2. Let me offer one of those cheap summer replacement series to cover for Dr. Barrel Dow as he departs to duly dignify his honorary doctorate. Please feel free to tune in to the Recovering Fundamentalists podcast as a temporary daily dose of fundy commentary (M-F) while the good Doctor is reaping some earthly rewards. http://www.jeriwho.net/podcast/ Not as funny as this site (not always meant to be), but come on. It’s the perfect summer vacation fill-in show. I’ll swallow a goldfish on Mic if 100 seats are filled.

  3. That is so funny… I just found out that a kid who graduated from high school 5 years ago with my son became a mail-order minister so he could be both the officiator AND the D.J. at his best friend’s wedding. True story.

  4. A whole mine of SFL material can be found at jackshaap.com in “Ask Pastor Schaap”.

    “Is it Biblical for ladies to say “Amen” at church?” Short answer: no, women are to keep silent.
    I was actually wondering why you never hear a woman say “amen!” in those nutty fundy sermons. I thought that maybe they had more sense and thought that the pastor was spouting nonsense that wasn’t worth an “amen!”

  5. @Morgan

    Some churches won’t sing any hymns by Fanny Crosby, because that would be permitting a woman to speak in church. They’re fundamentalist, no doubt, but probably not IFB. At least IFBs have the taste to sing hymns like “Blessed Assurance,” though they also pick howlers like “I’ve Got a Mansion Over the Hilltop” and “Joy Bells.”

  6. Years ago a friend of mine, graduate of BJU in music, wrote/arranged a Christmas cantata for the fundy church she was attending at the time. But because she was a woman she was not allowed to stand on the platform and direct the choir. She had to train a man to do it. (Hmmm. A slippery slope. A woman teaching a man because there was no man to teach the man. Ouch) That was bad enough but the icing on the cake was when they gave this man all the credit for producing the music and arrangements. Because they could not give credit to a woman. An out and out LIE!! When she confronted them about this absurdity the pastor and another “man-of-the-church” (not sure if it was the pseudo-director/writer) visited in her home and accused her of being unsaved because she wouldn’t submit and go along with their lie. As a single woman she had no husband to stand up for her…if he would have anyway. She was at their mercy. So she cut bait and left.

  7. @Kate – just another example of the fundy disrespect of women, especially single or divorced women.

    When I was married to a fundy preacher’s kid I was told time and time again it was my duty to submit to him. It was my job to make his life easier. In real life, this meant that Iwas a virtual slave (working outisde the home 70 miles away one way and working at home all night) while he enjoyed his life with no responsibilities at home. I know that not all fundy men or marriages are like that, but if you stress “submit” and “help meet” you create an environment ripe for abuse in marriage.

  8. A random thought for the evening: fundies have taken a liking to calling Snopes a “vast liberal conspiracy.” I think what really fuels their indignation is the fact that Snopes has debunked so many of their favorite sermon illustrations.

  9. Phil,

    It’s sure a tough economy up there in WV though, the administrative assistant of that church has a PhD!

    Seriously overqualified job applicants up there in the mountains.

    🙂

  10. @ Andy

    Even the missions, bus, and senior citizen directors have doctorates. All the rest of the staff are just lowly “brothers”…

    http://www.sbbcwv.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=category&layout=blog&id=48&Itemid=118

    If you dig a little further you can see it’s a Hyles church. The pastor is a “Bible-believing American” (whatever that means) and both he and the missions director have seen a combined 300,000 souls come to Christ…

    http://www.sbbcwv.com/index.php?option=com_content&view=category&layout=blog&id=65&Itemid=137

  11. Andy,

    That church is in Martinsburg, which is in the Eastern Panhandle. There’s very few mountains and very few hillbillies in that part of the state. Culturally, it’s very similar to Western Maryland. There’s crime, ghettos with a murder every week, and a train station that allows commuters to work in Virginia and D.C.

    I went to Shepherd University, which is about 10 miles from Martinsburg. There’s a professional Chamber orchestra that’s supported by wealthy people, a prominent gay community (so much so that it has been called the L.A. of the Panhandle), and a large (and somewhat wealthy) Catholic community (they have a huge Cathedral in Charles Town, which is about 25 minutes away from Martinsburg http://www.stjameswv.org/).

    That fundy church is huge and can be seen from the interstate. So, the PHD person isn’t as overqualified as you think.

  12. @ Darrell : That’s awful. I can’t believe that he said that. I guess that’s what happens when you go on impromtu tirades. I’ve never heard him before . Iv’e only heard of him. I would probably not bother listening to him. Did forget that he preached that message until it got up on the internet?

  13. more church signs

    “Don’t let worries kill you, let the church help”

    “How would you like your eternity, smoking or non-smoking?”

    “God’s middle name is not damn”

    “Staying in bed on Sunday morning and shouting “Oh God” does not constitute going to church”

  14. @Stan

    If you dig a little further you can see it’s a Hyles church. The pastor is a “Bible-believing American” (whatever that means) and both he and the missions director have seen a combined 300,000 souls come to Christ…

    For the Missions Director his 30 years =200,000 averages out to 6666.666666…….(hmmmm that should give any self respecting dispensationalist fundy cause to pause….)

    Of course he has done much better over the past seven years with his 80,ooo figure, which comes to a yearly average of 11,428.571428….

    Now Owens is a different story, in 34 years of preaching his average is almost sub-par. His yearly average is a mere 2941.1765 (rounded up). Of course all that time he spent in school (being a five time graduate… of what we are not told, but a five time graduate none the less. I wonder if that counts kindergarten?)…all that time he spent in school probably hampered his over all average.

    Let’s see what his sermon average is: 20,000 sermons with 100,000 professions (how many actual conversions only the Lord knows but the numbers are impressive on this resume anyway.) Easy math… that is (5) five professions per sermon to reach these numbers. That would count the five who went down that sermon to signup for their “Homo Hunting liscense.”

    I love Fundy Fiction

  15. @ Don

    You’re absolutely right. I’ve also seen staggering figures for Hyles himself (# of sermons preached and souls saved), but when you sit down and do the math, something’s amiss.

  16. Don’t know if any of y’all listen to “The Big Show” on weekday mornings, but my favorite character on it is the Reverend Billy Ray Collins, who occasionally “calls in” to promote something happening at his church, the “Sword of Joshua Full Gospel Pentecostal Assembly, just off State Road 23 on the frontage road.” His sketches are so brilliant they must be written from someone’s personal experience. Here, for instance, is his promotion of the scariest haunted house a fundy could ever enter: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9UXdxOct4ww

    And here he engages in a fundy’s favorite past-time, exposing pop culture as a vast “homersexual” conspiracy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RJFRGpm5p5o

    I post these after failing to find the one I heard this morning, in which he rails against the satanism of “Harvey Potter.” Enjoy.

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