Large Families
Fundamentalists take the command to “be fruitful and multiply” very seriously. After all, the best way to make sure there are always a supply of young fundamentalists is to grow your own. The Amish have successfully used this technique for centuries and fundies are big fans too.
Having a family of seven, twelve, or sixteen kids is a lot of work and very expensive. That’s why fundamentalist fathers take only the best paying jobs like assistant Christian school gym teacher or church handyman. Getting the group discount at parks and museums is just an added bonus.
Of course, having a large family does present some difficulties too. People will stare and ask silly questions like “are these all yours?” (as if someone would willingly drag nine of someone else’s kids through Walmart). Children do accidentally get left at stores and gas stations. And going out to eat can require more planning and expense than the Normandy Invasion.
It’s not all bad, however. there are advantages too. For example, not every teenager gets the privilege of learning to drive in a fifteen-passenger van. And if all the kids learn a musical instrument, there’s a lot of opportunity for traveling performance ministries.
Why settle for any less than a quiver full?
Posted by Darrell
Good point about the 15-p van. If I had more than 4 siblings, I would have learned to drive a 15-p van before college. That’s what I call critical life skillz.
I almost have to disagree. Most Baptist families I know tend to give us a hard time when they see our large family. The most common comment is “Don’t you know what causes that?” The Mormons out here in the west are much more accepting and less likely to stare at us in the grocery store when we traipse through with five kids in a row.
And fathers of large families would do well to drink more beer. It saves on sitting at home yelling at the kids to shut up so he can watch American Idol in peace. BTW, closed captioning…best invention ever.
Amen, bruther!
Friend, you are not so much poking fun at IFBs but at many Christians of all persuasions around the world and ultimately God Himself. God makes it clear in His Word that children are His heritage and that the fruit of the womb is His reward. Unfortunately you have been brainwashed by the prevailing culture that says that anything more than 1.4 children is an inconvenience and will crimp one’s lifestyle or income. This is a selfish, unbiblical philosophy that has no place in a Christian’s thinking. To disdain children is to disdain the great Giver of children. You poke fun at a “quiver full,” yet that is God’s language. Shame on you. You need to realign your views on children with what God says.
I have 5 brothers and a sister. I understand big families and I love mine. If you read closely you’ll see that’s not what this bit of humor is about.
“After all, the best way to make sure there are always a supply of young fundamentalists is to grow your own.”
The only other steady supplies are church splits and other forms of sheep stealin’. People who wake up and think, leave the movement ‘toot sweet’.
Scott – God created satire and enjoys it. I’m sure as your grow in spiritual walk you will too.
Ahhhhh! I have nine siblings. And a brother-in-law. It definitely made things interesting.
@ChickenBob: closed captions is a lifesaver. Don’t try to watch with all of us, say, Inception, without it….
Never thought I’d say this, but thank God my family is sane. The rule, according to my mom, “two hands, two kids.”
I have 9 siblings and, being the oldest, I definitely saw the humor in that.