Large Families

largefamilyFundamentalists take the command to “be fruitful and multiply” very seriously. After all, the best way to make sure there are always a supply of young fundamentalists is to grow your own. The Amish have successfully used this technique for centuries and fundies are big fans too.

Having a family of seven, twelve, or sixteen kids is a lot of work and very expensive. That’s why fundamentalist fathers take only the best paying jobs like assistant Christian school gym teacher or church handyman. Getting the group discount at parks and museums is just an added bonus.

Of course, having a large family does present some difficulties too. People will stare and ask silly questions like “are these all yours?” (as if someone would willingly drag nine of someone else’s kids through Walmart). Children do accidentally get left at stores and gas stations. And going out to eat can require more planning and expense than the Normandy Invasion.

It’s not all bad, however. there are advantages too. For example, not every teenager gets the privilege of  learning to drive in a fifteen-passenger van. And if all the kids learn a musical instrument, there’s a lot of opportunity for traveling performance ministries.

Why settle for any less than a quiver full?

14 thoughts on “Large Families”

  1. I almost have to disagree. Most Baptist families I know tend to give us a hard time when they see our large family. The most common comment is “Don’t you know what causes that?” The Mormons out here in the west are much more accepting and less likely to stare at us in the grocery store when we traipse through with five kids in a row.

    And fathers of large families would do well to drink more beer. It saves on sitting at home yelling at the kids to shut up so he can watch American Idol in peace. BTW, closed captioning…best invention ever.

  2. Friend, you are not so much poking fun at IFBs but at many Christians of all persuasions around the world and ultimately God Himself. God makes it clear in His Word that children are His heritage and that the fruit of the womb is His reward. Unfortunately you have been brainwashed by the prevailing culture that says that anything more than 1.4 children is an inconvenience and will crimp one’s lifestyle or income. This is a selfish, unbiblical philosophy that has no place in a Christian’s thinking. To disdain children is to disdain the great Giver of children. You poke fun at a “quiver full,” yet that is God’s language. Shame on you. You need to realign your views on children with what God says.

    1. Read it again. at no point does Darrell say that this is a *wrong* attitude, just one that fundies love. But, then again, I can see how you made that conclusion. Fundy paradigm says “everything is black or white,” and if you aren’t agreeing lockstep, you must be hating.

  3. Unfortunately you have been brainwashed by the prevailing culture that says that anything more than 1.4 children is an inconvenience and will crimp one’s lifestyle or income.

    I have 5 brothers and a sister. I understand big families and I love mine. If you read closely you’ll see that’s not what this bit of humor is about.

  4. “After all, the best way to make sure there are always a supply of young fundamentalists is to grow your own.”
    The only other steady supplies are church splits and other forms of sheep stealin’. People who wake up and think, leave the movement ‘toot sweet’.

  5. Ahhhhh! I have nine siblings. And a brother-in-law. It definitely made things interesting.

    @ChickenBob: closed captions is a lifesaver. Don’t try to watch with all of us, say, Inception, without it….

    1. Yeah, but each parent has two hands so you should have four kids. Then as the kids get old enough where you don’t have to hold their hands you have more to replace them. Fundy math in action.

  6. I was a bit misguided in my expectations about what to expect from fathering a large family (my beloved and I stopped at eight). All I can say is that they are (along with my wife) the greatest blessings in my life. My only regret is not hanging out with them (individually) more often while they were little. Now, ages 25, 24, 23, 22, 21, 18, 18, (boy/girl twins) and 16, we all still get together every Sunday for dinner, and baseball, tennis, video games, SNL on the dvr, and just catching up.

    We got out of Fundyland when the oldest 4 were in “teens”. They saw through it, and so did we. All of them are clothed and in their right minds. 😉

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