There are two major schools of song-leading in fundy churches. The first is prone to singing every…single…verse…with all of the unbridled energy of a man building his own gallows. When these folks sing “when we’ve been there 10,000 years” they’re not kidding.
The other method of singing hymns is to religiously omit the third verse to every song. If the song contains five verses, the fourth verse may likely meet the same ignominious fate. One can only imagine that the middle verses to every hymn have been infected by liberal agents with subliminal suggestions that might result in clapping, swaying, or other mortal sins of the flesh.
Modern hymn writers, note this well. My advice is just to omit writing a third verse altogether and replace it instead with single line that says “All together now on the last.” It’s what is going to happen anyway.
Ever since the days when rock and roll music first made it onto vinyl records, certain fundamentalists have been holding record burning services for their teens. This tends to work out well for for the record companies since the teens who are burning their records (or eight-tracks or tapes or CDs) will be back at the store buying new copies in not too long.
Of course, it’s not just music that meets a fiery end at these meetings. Everything from mini-skirts to Cabbage Patch dolls are a potential target for immolation. Only the heat of a church bonfire can serve to scour the earth of evil as great as this. Not to mention that it’s fun to get a bunch of teens together and play with matches.
As time has passed, technology has made it harder to get in a good old-fashioned music burning. Getting a group of teens together to delete music off their iPods just lacks some of the visual effect.
On the upside, there’s a decline in youth groups that get carried away and think that burning their drugs in a public bonfire is a good idea as well…