Terms to know when reading about Baptist fundamentalists:
(This list is a work in progress and will be expanded as the author finds time. Feel free to submit your own definitions via the comments section.)

– The proper response to the query “And all God’s people said?”

– A clever play on words that combines “Budwiser” and “dumber.” Fundies are full of these little gems.

Canned Music
– Godless pre-recorded music that violates the tradition of using a piano and organ like the early church did.

– One of the worst insults a fundamentalist can muster. In the insult taxonomy it falls about one level below “Democrat” and two levels above “liberal.”

– A fundamentalist’s favorite self-descriptor adjective.

– A small household god who depends completely on human beings to get anything done. Not to be confused with the LORD God who is sovereign and all-powerful.

– What you can’t contend with after the footmen tire thee.

– A person who believes one more point of TULIP than I do.

– A fundamentalist pastor. Especially those who fancy themselves to be modeled after the Old Testament prophets.

Movie House
– A sinful, godless movie theater where movies from Hollyweird (or perhaps Hellywood) are shamelessly displayed.

Rock Music
– Any music where the beat is not on the first and third note. The only exception to this rule Southern Gospel.

Sacred Desk
– A pulpit.

– The things that I do that and you don’t do because you’re a compromising liberal Democrat. Includes everything from hair length to radio station presets.

-Welch’s Grape Juice

63 thoughts on “Glossary”

  1. LOL@ the Wine definition. I can’t tell you how many sermons I heard with that definition. I remember thinking, “Then why didn’t it just translate ‘wine’ as ‘grape juice’?” I never did figure out how the wedding guests at Caana were going to get “happier” on grape juice.

      1. Hmm, how bout this?
        / / / \ \
        Wine Water Milk Coke Fruit juice

        A drink can be any of these. But wine is….wine. Water is water. Water is not synonymous with coke.

  2. Here’s a couple more for your glossary:

    Sacred Art – art work that would be considered blasphemous if hung anywhere but your university’s art gallery, especially in a Roman Catholic church.

    Moses – the first born-again, Bible-believing, King James only, independent, fundamental, separated, Baptist preacher.

    Elijah- the second born-again, Bible-believing, King James only, independent, fundamental, separated, Baptist preacher.

    1. How true. And how sad. We have more lives in despair and ruin because of this false guilt than we will ever know. Whatever happened to the simple truth that Jesus saves and washes away ALL our sin!?!

      1. If they believed that, then the M-O-g would have no reason for his position and paycheck…. no, no, no, no… if Christ paid for “ALL” our sin then the freedom from guilt would kill the altar call then how will the M-O-g know what sins to preach against? That would also take away the most effective tools the M-O-g had to wield control over his flock (guilt and works)

        Yeah, I have issues with the whole lecture from the hired gun approach to church… 😕

  3. Oral Sex – the pagan act that burned sodom and gomorrah

    Divorce – possibly the “sin unto death”

    “Thorn in the Flesh” – something that makes you more inspired than anyone else

    Adultery – only acceptable if you are an OT King “after God’s own heart”

  4. Invitation – the final hurrah in a Fundy message, where the preacher can preach again for 20 minutes and arm-twist people down the aisle to get saved, get right, or join the church

  5. Sexual music – anything that uses instruments invented in the last 50 years

    Prayerful consideration – a system where teachers can question your relationship with God simply because you disagree with them

  6. Sorry, don’t really have the street cred to post here, but how about “Apostate”? Any Christian who doubts dispensationalisim or the whole Lindsey/LaHay endtime scenario, or who likes rock music.

  7. Glossary for NON-fundamentalists:

    Lifestyle Evangelism – let people see you living a good life, and they will beg you to tell them about God. Worked for John the Baptist! They saw him in that camel hair loin clothe with honey and grasshoppers dripping from his chin, and folks started askin him bout Jesus!

    Tolerance – allow anyone to join, participate, and teach sunday school to your youngins. It is ok to be homosexual, fornicator, commit beastiality, adulterer, child molester, whatever, who cares, its all about tolerance.

    Quote from Ravi Zacharias: “Not only do they want us to tolerate their behavior, they want us to celebrate it.”

    (I love quoting Ravi because Non-Fundamentalist love him, yet he is as Fundamental as you can get minus the KJV (although he was saved on the KJV, as most of you were too!))

    Abortion – something that is never never ever ever mentioned. We would not want to offend anyone.

    Bible – any book with the word Bible written on the front of it (there are over 120 English versions, 400 counting revisions), but who cares? It says Bible! It must be good.

    See their favorite Bible version here:

    Doctine – there was some baby named, uhh I think uhh Jesus, ahh who cares, lets get back to the fluff and the pep talk! Video! Rock Band! Coffee Shop! 20 minutes of pop psychology with a Bible verse thrown in!

    Oprahfied – every sermon you ever hear

    Wednesday night service – Don’t talk about God! Lets talk about financial planning! Where is my Dave Ramsey book? Who needs the Bible (whatever that is)?

    Sunday night service – Lets have small groups and talk about our feelings. Lets hear that prayer request for aunt suzie’s toe again (for the 40th time this year.)

    Non relational – anyone who disagrees with them. They may say something like, “you have it in your head, we have it in our heart.”

    See more great glossary terms at

    1. ROFLOL

      the double edged sword strikes again!

      Why is it so that those who dish it out so heavily, can’t take a spoonful usually?

      1. Vulgar John, the guy was advertising his webpage. Had he left off that part, it would have been fine. On the weird side, and probably fodder for some verbal scrapping here and there, but fine.

        At least this guy didn’t make a lewd comment about someone else’s pastor like someone else did. 😆 😆 😆

        1. … not to mention at least he apologized. One thing about Fundamentalists — they can’t, won’t, and don’t apologize.

  8. Darrell,

    I am sorry man. I tell you what, to make up for it I will add some Fundie glossary terms:

    Mossbacked – a backsliding church member who no longer goes soul winning

    Noah Style – how to raise a child like Noah did, in other words, when ever your child wants to go out with some friends or join the cheer leading squad etc. Just scream at them “NO! go get another log!”

    TV – end time stick of the Devil

    Preaching – hell hating , sin fighting, old fashioned, fundamental, barn storming, window rattling, shingle pulling, evangelistic soul winning

    Non Preaching – pussyfootin, backscratchin, ear ticklin, pink lemonade sippin, penny pinchin, nickle nippin, neos, pseudos, and wierdos with a hand full of announcements in one hand and a sermon outline someone else wrote in the other.

    There you go, I appreciate you not deleting me.

    Your brother in Christ, Wild Man.

    1. That “Pussy-footin’ Back-scratchin’ etc etc” was one of Jack Hyles’ favorite hobby horses. Heard it a MILLION times. Bleah!

  9. Don’t forget “Stink!” and/or “Stinking!”. These words are the primary Fundy cuss words. While words such as “Gosh!”, “Darn!”, and “Heck!” are blasphemous within Fundy circles, “Stink!” and/or “Stinking!” are widely used and Fundy approved expletive.

    Also be aware that the word “Butt” (short for buttocks) is extremely frowned upon. Any respectable God-fearing Fundy would use words such as “bottom”, “backside”, or “hinny”. Ironicly, the definition is “hinny” is a cross between a horse and a donkey (commonly referred to as an “ass”).

  10. Can you add “separated,” “sensual,” “immorality?”

    Proposed definitions:

    “Separated”–A way to distinguish a fundamentalist, bah-bull buh-lievin’, immersion-baptized, spirit-filled, fire-breathing, Big-B BAPTIST, from a wishy-washy, evangelical pansy-man.

    ex. (Usually screamed by preacher) I am SEPARATED from the worthless things of this world! (Praise Gawd, Amen!)

    “Sensual”–Anything even remotely, possibly sexual including a hint of cleavage, or (god forbid) a woman wearing shorts. Also, a woman wearing pants in a culotte-appropriate situation.

    “Immorality”–Admitting to knowing anything about sex. Repentance needed immediately.

  11. Traveling Mercies: a replacement for the following secular expressions of well wishes when embarking upon a trip: Bon voyage, good luck, and have a safe trip are fairly secular; the meaning of this term is vague, but it sounds more spiritual in prayer meeting
    Courtship: the spiritual alternative to dating, casting lots, and aranged marriage

  12. baptist buzzard – chicken
    hellywoood – hollywood
    rock music – any music that moves your feet before your heart
    perversions – any translation other than the kjv

  13. Three to Thrive:

    The minimum weekly dosage of Kool-Aid-filled sermons required to properly assimilate members and maintain their loyalty.

  14. “Gimme-an-Amen” : I just said something that I reckon is awfully profound, so make me feel even better by agreeing with me. See also: “managawd”

  15. I don’t even know what to say about this glossary, except that you just gave my husband and I a wonderful laugh.

    Mainly, because it’s all true.

  16. Oooh, I got one.

    “Bless her heart” – We ladies are just getting ready to talk nasty about you behind your back, but it’s okay because we’ve blessed ya.

  17. Santa Claus-The most evil, vile disgusting invention the devil ever came up with.

    The Easter Bunny-The second most evil, vile disgusting invention the devil ever came up with.

    Slut/Whore-Any woman wears anything other than a dress in public or has any physical contact of any kind with the opposite gender. (Except for handshakes and they had better be in church!)

    Woman-Someone who gossips, causes men to lust, starts problems in the church, is dangerous when she thinks for herself but is also someone every man needs to cook, clean, submit without any question whatsoever and used to releave sexual pressures in her husband

    Accoutibility-Making sure the pastor and staff know your every move

  18. Oooh I think Darrell needs to add a SFL glossary: with such gems as the white piano, m-o-g, george, and all the random abbreviations so newcomers won’t be scratching their heads 😛 And it would be entertaining….

  19. I really think culottes should be in there. People don’t believe me when I tell them that regular college ski trips required culottes OVER SKI PANTS. Because God knows how sexy ski pants are.
    And many people don’t know what culottes even are any more. The wider they are, the more spiritual you are!

  20. Ministry: n. the M-O-g’s personal fiefdom that is to be built up and defended at all costs. Defending a pastor’s ministry is to defend his empire and by proxy keeps the “cause of Christ” from wreck and ruin. (has nothing to do with Ephesians chapter 4, unless using as proof text to justify the Office of Pastor, which inturn sanctifies the holder of said office.) To say anything negative about a ministry is to attack God personally since He called the pastor to the office making him (and thereby his ministry) the “anointed of god.”

  21. Jack Schaap- the hyper-fundy’s, non-catholic version of the Vicor of Christ. Usually speaks ex-cathedral and is the only man alive who is actually allowed to make fat jokes about your wife in a public setting, and it be okay.

  22. Pray about it- you are obviously wrong and borderling getting kicked out of the church, so go home, then come back with a different view.

  23. Elvish language (the ones Tolkein invented): incantations that create demonic presence and oppression (I didn’t make that up)

    Drums: a sound that performs the same as Elvish language

    Slackes/britches: man’s attire when worn by women; an abomination

    Tracts: the most effective way to present the Gospel

    Rededicating one’s life to Christ: getting saved again, just in case you weren’t sincere enough last time

    Gettin’ right with God: throwin’ away your Steve Green CDs and Narnia books, gettin’ rid of your slacks, and buyin’ yerself a skirt

    Christian: Independent, Fundamental, separated, evangelistic, King-James-Bible-Believing Baptist

    BTW, I just found this site the other day and ended up scrolling through all the posts, down to the first post. It was most entertaining. Sure brought back memories… 😛

  24. This site is sooo sad. You are wasting precious time on nothing. The “fundies” as you call it are “independent” in that there is no organization outside the church that controls them, the Southern Baptist convention. As long as there are people in this world there will never be a perfect church. IFB that I have met just want to please the Lord in being pure in thought and deed. The world claims they are “self-righteous” – fine! But that is just not the case. I would rather live with a mennenite who wears no makeup, long dresses, and hair up, tries to do right and not ride the fence and may be off on doctrine than near someone who claims they know the Lord but acts like the world. We need to know the difference between the “wheat and the tares.” Have you ever read the old Testament laws that God expected the Jews to live by? PRETTY STRICT I’D SAY? The purpose of the law was to show us our sinfulness! Why not try to walk the “straight and narrow way?! Could it be that you have been fooled into think “God likes you the way you are”? NO REPENTANCE!!

  25. StupidTube: A device that no good Christian ever uses except to watch G-rated movies and NASCAR races.

    Mor’ons: members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (see what I did there???)

    Dating: fornicating.

    Courting: a 5-year period during which a young man promises to do everything that a young girl’s father considers necessary to prove that said young man is the most spiritual to have ever existed, to include fasting, passing the night in prayer and swearing to never ever ever let the thought of sex with said girl cross his mind, at the end of which period the girl’s father decides that it is God’s will that she continue in a season of “purposeful singleness” and wishes the young man better luck next time.

  26. The people that contribute to this site are bitter because someone told them the truth about life. They would rather be like the ones gathered around the golden calf.

    1. Here’s a definition: “bitter”

      Anyone who has genuine problems and concerns with the traditional fundamentalist system and who exposes and vocalizes these issues.

  27. Baptists- what kind of baptist? If its SBC, CBap, reformed aint baptist
    The Independent Fundamental Baptist Church- the one true church of the New TEstament who preaches and the teaches the one true word of God which is the KJV, soulwinning, bible thumping, pulpit bashing, ccm and southern gospel music hating, women wearin pants banning, no clapping after a special number or choir presentation advocating, non compromising (e.g the “apostate” sbc, the” compromising” evangelicals, the “liberals”)..
    Baptist Distinctives (ifb style):
    Bible: it aint bible if it aint king james, your classified as “liberal” if u use an NIV or other versions even if u hold to the fundamentals of he christian faith
    Music: ccm is of the devil, praise and worship songs are worldly and sensual. Sing only hymns and gospel songs written not less than 1950s.. drums are evil so as electric guitar except for the good old piano (which is nonetheless used in “worldly” concerts)
    Clothing: youre a gud baptist if u wear long sleeves and a necktie, strictly no pants wearing on ladies, wear dress all the time. Wear skirts during swimming and when engaging in sports activites..
    Standards: no to the movies, no to dancing (including head nodding in kids during cantata presentation)..coz if u did God will surely gonna be MAD at you.. much baptist fundamentalism infiltrating in the Philippines

  28. A non-cuss word fundies may not utter: “Luck”. If the word never-the-less slips out in a case of unguarded conversation, it must always be countered with ” no such thing as luck”.

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A silly blog dedicated to Independent Fundamental Baptists, their standards, their beliefs, and their craziness.