Category Archives: Public Life

Public Life, Standards

The Little Foxes

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Like most spiritual ideas in fundyland, the Little Foxes Theory begins by yanking a couple of verse from the surrounding passage and doing them no small amount of violence. Apparently the best way to understand this bit of Scripture is that in the middle of writing out some spicy love poetry, the author suddenly takes a break to write a brief essay on why little sins like not tucking in your shirt lead to bigger ones like not wearing a shirt at all. It certainly makes perfect sense that right after penning the words “let me see thy countenance, let me hear thy voice; for sweet is thy voice, and thy countenance is comely” that the time is ripe for a bit of moralistic guilt-tripping.

Watever its questionable exegetical roots, there is no question that the “little foxes” concept has taken firm root in fundyland and then grown into quite a warped and twisted shape. For the way this principle is often taught is that as long as one takes care to obsess over the minutia of life then the larger sins will never even be a temptation. If you dress right, listen to the right music, never say “golly,” or watch The Simpsons on TV then there’s almost no chance at all of you smoking pot or getting your girlfriend pregnant. Almost.

This idea of keeping the little things in order to thwart the larger sins also informs the sermon habits of many fundyland pastors who honestly believe that as long as they are keeping kids from running in the hallways and keeping their parents from reading the NIV that they have nothing to fear from the sins of lust, and greed, and pride. It’s a very tidy notion that is not at all bothered by its complete disconnection from reality.

The real tragedy here is that oftentimes people in fundyland are led to believe that if they cannot “win” over the temptation to listen to rock n’ roll or wear more than one earring per ear that they might as well give up and live a life of debauchery. After all, what’s the difference? The little foxes are going to get you. It’s only a matter of time.

It’s just like Solomon says in the very next verse: “My beloved is mine, and I am his: he feedeth among the lilies.” I know it sounds a lot like more love poetry but I’m sure that is somehow related to the topic at hand. You just have to know how to look.

Public Life, Scandal

Getting Saved Again

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Teenager, are you in a jam? Have you been caught red handed shoplifting or listening to the rap music or indulging in some heavy petting in the school gymnasium? Will people in your church be talking about the scandal of your misdeeds for weeks on end? Is your future career as a preacher boy or pastor’s wife in jeopardy?

There is a simple solution that is 100% guaranteed to get you out of the mess you’re in and even turn it into a net gain: Get Saved Again.

That’s right, boys and girls, take a trip down and old fashioned, red-carpeted aisle to the mourners bench and confess that all these years you’ve just been “playing church” and just today when the pastor preached on how the Democrats are ruining America (as found in Judges chapter’s 6, tapes available in the back after church) you felt the conviction of the Spirit and made a choice of your own free will to get saved. Again. For the eight time. But who’s counting? This time it was real!

Now, if you’re going to commit to this, course of action the details are very important. It helps if you grab an available adult by the arm and drag them down to the altar with you to pray with you. And you’ll need to it on the second verse of the invitation hymn so that it doesn’t seem too premeditated but also doesn’t risk that the invitation might conclude before you go. Note that tears are not optional. Neither is snot. If your church doesn’t supply tissues at the front then pack your own. Finally, be careful not to run the aisle on the same night as some other troubled teen is pulling the same stunt — unless it’s someone who was actually involved in your own scandal.

It’s almost impossible to lose in this scenario. The church gets to write off your past wrongs as the indiscretions of a lost person and avoids the embarrassment of admitting that their own young people are prone to evil. They also get another soul saved for the yearly report. And you get a clean slate as long as you don’t do anything too bad for a month or two. Buying a slightly larger Bible than the one you currently carry is also a nice piece of window dressing.

There are two warnings for this particular strategy. First, you can’t do it more times per year than your church has Bible conference. Second, it really only works until you graduate from Bible college. After that, it stops being cute and it really doesn’t impress the members of the jury at all.

Public Life, Standards

Rules on the Remembrances Of Things Past

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And when it shall come to pass that thou and thy kindred and thy manservants and maidservants (or “church staff” as they are now called) shall think upon the good old days that thou shalt in no wise remember the bad things that have happened and remember only the good. For in the day that thou shalt call to mind any scandal or heresy or really funny blooper committed by a fundamentalist then shalt it be known that thou art bitter and “stuck living in the past.” And they shall shake their heads at thee and their tsking sounds of displeasure shall be loud in thine ears.

But if thou shalt recall only those things that are good, and funny, and that one time when we had a great time at that youth outing playing Chubby Bunny then shalt it be said that thou art right and just and a real good sport. And nobody shall in any case accuse thee of being a rabid sycophant who is obsessed with days gone by nor shall they tell that thou needest to just move on with thy life and probably go soulwinning more or something. For to remember only the good is the best choice of all.

And if thy church or thy college or thy family or thy fundy friends hath lied to thee or stolen from thee or done thee grievous injury then what is the big deal? Shalt thou dwell upon it for all time? Are not there lost people who need rescuing from the very fires of hell this moment? Nay, if thou value thy fundy cred and thy very soul thou shalt join the happy few who have decided that bad things never actually happened and that the good times were extra especially amazing.

So shalt thou rewrite the past and move on with thy life and thy manservants and thy maidservants and their children’s children shall rise up and call thee blessed (if a bit clueless).

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, p 97

Public Life

Saturday Morning Conspiracies

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The entire time I was growing up, I heard tales of how Saturday morning cartoons were the instruments of Satan to warp young minds into a worship of the occult and practice of witchcraft. People like this guy told us that everything from He-Man to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were really part of a global conspiracy to enslave the nation’s children in between ads for breakfast cereal. Sneaky.

Of course, the real problem with these claims of satanic subterfuge is that the vast majority of a generation of cartoon watchers eventually grew up into more or less responsible adults who were curiously non-satanic. One would think that if Old Nick was afoot in our subconscious there would be a whole lot more ritual sacrifice, demon possession, and general witch-like cackling going on. Heck, to hear some folks talk, by this time you’d expect a pentagram to have replaced the stars on the American Flag. A quick look around, however, shows that instead of the really cool sins we were promised, it’s pretty much just the same old lust of the flesh, lust of the eye, and pride of life that we’ve always seen.

But maybe the conspiracy theorists will be proven right after all. Perhaps our entire society is composed of sleeper agents who harbor dormant demons unaware and some fateful day when a yet unwritten Miley Cyrus song plays on the radio, a veritable Satanic army of cartoon watchers will spring to life, wreaking havoc, sacrificing small animals, and possibly even bringing back disco. The word “nightmare” doesn’t begin to cover it.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go deal with my daughter who has been watching Scooby Doo all morning and is now levitating our cat.

Update: Jordan Poss has provided me with some excerpts from the book Turmoil in the Toybox (PDF 4MB) by Phil Phillips which describes some of the various cartoons and toys are of the devil.

Public Life

Suffering With THE CALL™

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“Don’t tell God you don’t want to do something because that’s exactly what He’ll call you to do.”

For all of their horror at the asceticism of other Christian sects, fundamentalists are often fascinated with the idea of suffering for Jesus — and God is evidently only too happy to oblige them. If a fundy admits to hating hot weather, God will inevitably call them as a missionary to the tropics. If the hate cold, they’ll go to Alaska, and if they hate eggplant they’ll end up in New Jersey. It’s inevitable.

In fact, your only real hope of getting THE CALL™ to a place or vocation that you like is to psych God out with some reverse psychology. “No, Esther, I hate the beach and being rich and being able to process lactose!” It’s a long shot but maybe you’ll end up loving life if you pretend to hate it enough.

Some fundies are so obsessed with receiving THE CALL™ to suffer that they are not suffering enough they think they’ve missed God’s perfect will and may very well go out and find some way to inflict some pain (or at least few minor irritations) upon themselves so they can earn a martyr’s crown. Soul winning and street preaching provide ample opportunities for this. Volunteering to direct this year’s God and Country cantata provides even more.

Suffering is a good and righteous thing. As long as you’re doing it any time but during Lent, that is.