Books

Famous Fundy Novels

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photo by Stewart Butterfield

Call me…Pastor. (Moby-Dick)

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a preacher boy in possession of a bible school diploma, must be in want of a wife. (Pride and Prejudice)

It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen. (no change required to 1984)

Whether I shall turn out to be the hero of my own life is a foregone conclusion. I’m an evangelist, how could I not be? (David Copperfield)

It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents, except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the house-tops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. We went soulwinning anyway. (Paul Clifford)

The sky above the port was the color of television, tuned to a dead channel, the only real channel that any good Christian should be watching given the filth on television these days. (Neuromancer)

I am a sick man . . . I am a spiteful man . . .(no change required to Notes from Underground)

It was like so, but wasn’t. At least that’s what the pastor kept insisting. (Galatea 2.2)

All this happened to the evangelist, more or less. (Slaughterhouse-Five)

Elmer Gantry was drunk. (no change needed to Elmer Gantry)

It was a pleasure to burn Vatican Corrupted Bibles. (Fahrenheit 451)

Miss Brooke had that kind of beauty which seems to be thrown into relief by frumpy jean jumpers. (Middlemarch)

Once upon a time, there was a woman who discovered she had turned into the wrong person. (No change needed to Back When We Were Grownups)

He was an inch, perhaps two, under six feet, powerfully built, and he advanced straight at you with a slight stoop of the shoulders, head forward, and a fixed from-under stare which made you think of a charging bull. Then he’d introduce himself as Doctor Pastor Brother Hyles. (Lord Jim)

Justice?—You get justice in the next world, in this world you have the law. (no change needed to A Frolic of His Own)

They say when trouble comes close ranks, and so the fundamentalist people did. (Wide Sargasso Sea)

Do you have any to add? Let’s hear them!

171 thoughts on “Famous Fundy Novels”

    1. This needs a lot of negation: There was a man in the land of Uz whose name was Job, and that man was blameless and upright, one who feared God and turned away from evil. (Job 1:1 ESV)

  2. “He was an inch, perhaps two, under six feet, powerfully built, and he advanced straight at you with a slight stoop of the shoulders, head forward, and a fixed from-under stare which made you think of a charging bull. Then he’d introduce himself as Doctor Pastor Brother Hyles. (Lord Jim)”

    That sounds like Smokin’ Joe Frazier to me or maybe Mike Tyson.

  3. “It is the worst of times, it will be the best of times in heaven.” -A Tale of Two Cities

  4. I apologize for the R-rating, but I couldn’t resist:

    I knew it well…fellatio. (Macbeth as played by Jack Schaap)

  5. You don’t know about God without you have read a book by the name of The King James Bible; but that ain’t no matter. — Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

    2. Then [the pastor] told me all about the bad place, and I said I wished I was there. [He] got mad then, but I didn’t mean no harm. All I wanted was to go somewheres; all I wanted was a change, I warn’t particular. [He] said it was wicked to say what I said; said [he] wouldn’t say it for the whole world; [he] was going to live so as to go to the good place. Well, I couldn’t see no advantage in going where [he] was going, so I made up my mind I wouldn’t try for it. But I never said so, because it would only make trouble, and wouldn’t do no good.

      Now [he] had got a start, and [he] went on and told me all about the good place. [He] said all a body would have to do there was to go around all day long with a harp and sing, forever and ever. So I didn’t think much of it. But I never said so. I asked her if [he] reckoned Tom Sawyer would go there, and [he] said not by a considerable sight. I was glad about that, because I wanted him and me to be together.

      [The pastor, he] kept pecking at me, and it got tiresome and lonesome. By and by they fetched the n*ggers in [on the church bus] and had prayers, and then everybody was off to bed. I went up to my room with a piece of candle, and put it on the table. Then I set down in a chair by the window and tried to think of something cheerful, but it warn’t no use. I felt so lonesome I most wished I was dead.

      Huck Finn

  7. “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.”

    The Great Gatsby (no edit needed)

    1. “They were careless people, the Pastor and his wife- they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness or whatever it was that kept them together, and let other people clean up the mess they had made.”

  8. “It’s funny. All you have to do is say something nobody understands and they’ll do practically anything you want them to.” (The Catcher in the Rye)

  11. Someone must have slandered Jack Schaap, for one morning, without having done anything truly wrong, he was arrested. —Franz Kafka, The Trial

  13. He was an old man who witness alone on a street in Pensacola and he had gone eighty-four days now without winning a soul. —Ernest Hemingway, The Old Man and the Sea

      1. Here’s one just for you:
        “Nor have I seen a mightier man-o-gawd on this earth than the one standing here: unless I am mistaken, he is truly noble. This is no mere hanger-on in a hero’s armour.” (Beowulf)

  15. The worst thing about religion was religious people. (no edit needed, The Marriage Plot)

  16. A long time ago in a town far, far away…

    Billy Sunday Wars

    It is a period of civil unrest. Rebel
    Independent Baptists, striking from their
    moral base, have won their first victory
    against the evil Alcohol Empire.

    1. It is ironic and amazing that you can find a clip of Sunday, after several years of Prohibition, calling for its repeal considering the unintended consequences of it were worse than the prior condition.

    2. There is unrest in the Fundy Empire. Several thousand autonomous local churches have declared their intentions to leave the Movement.

      This Separatist movement, led by the mysterious Young Restless and Reformed Fundamentalists, has made it difficult for the limited number of loyal Mogs to maintain peace and order in the Empire.

      Dr. Bob Jones III, the former president of BJU, is returning to the helm to demand creation of an underground mafia organization to strong arm the wavering hoi polloi

  17. “A lot of schools were home for vacation already, and there were about a million girls sitting and standing around waiting for their dates to show up. Girls with their legs crossed, girls with their legs not crossed, girls with terrific legs, girls with lousy legs, girls that looked like swell girls, girls that looked like they’d be b#$%*s if you knew them. It was really nice sightseeing, if you know what I mean. In a way, it was sort of depressing, too, because you kept wondering what the hell would happen to all of them. When they got out of [their IFB] school and college, I mean. You figured most of them would probably marry dopey [IFB] guys. Guys that always talk about how many [IFB churches they were going to plant]. Guys that get sore and childish as hell if you beat them at golf, or even just some stupid game like ping-pong. Guys that are very mean. Guys that never read books. Guys that are very boring. (Edited from The Catcher in the Rye)

  18. I teach a course on conspiracy theories. One assignment is to have students pick out a novel that has a conspiracy theory at the core of its plot. Not surprisingly, almost half of the books are fundamentalist Christian novels. *sigh*

  20. “Unless a man has the talents to make something of himself, freedom is an irksome burden.” (The True Believer, Eric Hoffer-which may not qualify because it’s non-fiction)

  21. “Fundy families are all alike; unhappy families need to hit the altar and confess.” – Fundy Karenina

  22. The creatures outside the safe walls of Fundy U looked from pig to man, and from man to pig, and from pig to man again; but already it was impossible to say which was which. (Animal Farm)

  25. “The bible in the hands of one man is as bad as a bottle of whiskey in another’s” (To Kill a Mockingbird, no changes necessary.)

    4. I’m late to SFL today. This is the quote I was thinking! Glad I read comments first…now to come up with something else.

  26. “Truth died today.” Albert Camus’s lesser known novel, The Evangelist

    Last one for now. I’m on my phone and it’s too hard to type & format 🙂

  27. “It is the natural condition of fundamentalalists to disdain those who love them and to love those who hate them”

    Don Quixote

  28. “His stories were what frightened people worst of all. Dreadful stories they were; about [drinking], and [crashing one’s car], and [disobedience to God], and the [Pits of Hell], and wild deeds and places on [the public school campus]. By his own account, he must have lived his life among some of the wickedest men that God ever allowed upon the [earth]; and the language in which he told these stories shocked our plain country people almost as much as the crimes that he described. My father was always saying the [church] would be ruined, for people would soon cease coming there to be tyrannized over and put down, and sent shivering to their beds; but I really believe his presence did us good. People were frightened at the time, but on looking back they rather liked it; it was a fine excitement in a quiet country life; and there was even a party of the younger men who pretended to admire him, calling him a ‘true [Man-o-God]’ and a ‘real [toe-stomper]’ and such like names, and saying there was the sort of man that made [our church the best church in the city.]” – Treasure Island

  29. “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way.” (A Tale of Two Cities, no changes needed)

    2. One MOG to rule them all, One MOG to find them,
      One MOG to bring them all and in the darkness bind them
      In the Land of Pastor where the Shadows lie.

    3. Also:

      There is only one Lord of the Ring, only one who can bend it to his will. And he does not share power.

      [No changes required.]

  31. “Sorry,” (the pastor) said, rubbing his temples. “I don’t know what came over me. All of a sudden I had this overwhelming desire to talk for a very long time without actually doing anything.”

    “Growth purely for its own sake is the philosophy of cancer. (And church building funds!)”

    “I’ll tell you what (being a good Christian) is” the pastor said, “It is blind devotion, unquestioning self humiliation, utter submission, trust and belief against yourself and against the whole world, giving up your heart and soul to the (pastor).”

    “(Church) wouldn’t be much fun without its fair share of scoundrels, and they have to live somewhere.”

    “the best lies to tell are the ones people want to believe”

    All quotes from Jasper Fforde’s literary masterpieces.

  33. After reading the creative allusions above I realize the sad thing is most fundies would have no idea what we’re referencing because they’ve been so diligent in their efforts to have many of these books banned. Granted, they’ve never read them, but they KNOW they’re bad :^)

    1. I have to say that this is one area in which my parents really shined. Our house was rich in literature and not just the fundy-approved kind. I am genuinely appreciative of that fact.

      Now, I occasionally came across the blacked-out word or two, but in the grand scheme of things, that was a small price to pay for the opportunity of expanding my mind and my horizons.

      1. Mine too! Although we were somewhat Fundie Light, my Fundy ACE school didn’t understand why I bucked under their rule about them examining the books I read. They were all for parental involvment until and unless they disagreed with my parents. Then they acted like every other public school…they knew better for me than my parents did. No wonder I bucked under the system.

      2. Our house *was* rich in literature when I was growing up in it, fortunately for me. Unfortunately for my younger siblings, my priggish twit of a sister decided to ask my parents to “cleanse their home” of “worldly literature” (a/k/a books she was too lazy to read in high school because she wanted to read Elsie Dinsmore instead, for which accomplishment my mother granted her a high school history credit 😯 ). So, they ended up either getting rid of much of their book collection or hiding the books away on high shelves or in seldom-used parts of the house. Meanwhile, the living room bookcase that once held all the classics in rich bindings now holds nothing but KJV only polemics and various trash from West Coast Baptist College.

        1. I can’t stand when non-readers try to restrict books that they either won’t read or can’t understand when they do read them.

          There were definitely books my parents wouldn’t allow, but there were lots and lots that they did (sometimes out of ignorance), so I read to my heart’s content, mostly books that skewed more classic and old-fashioned but that still did all that literature should in showing different points of view and helping build compassion toward people in different circumstances than my own.

        2. It’s been said here before, but reading bad literature won’t hurt you. It’s not reading the good stuff that stunts a person.

        3. Oh, Elsie Dinsmore.

          I have the good fortune to never have read them as a child, but I’ve read… excerpts with commentary, shall we say? And I am not a fan.

  34. “Ah, lips that say one thing, while the heart thinks another,” -The Count of Monte Cristo (no change required)

  35. Everyone had always said that John would be a preacher when he grew up, just like his father. It had been said so often that John, without ever thinking about it, had come to believe it himself. Not until the morning of his thirteenth birthday did he really begin to think about it, band by then it was already too late.

    (James Baldwin, “Go Tell It on the Mountain.” No editing needed.)

  37. I need an assistant pastor. You’re it, until you’re dead or I find someone better (or my daughter marries a preacher boy).

    –JEAN RASCZAK – Starship Fundy Troopers

      2. Oh, I hadn’t heard Pete Seeger passed yesterday!

        America has lost a national treasure. RIP, Mr. Seeger.

        1. I would almost go so far as to say we have lost THE national treasure, by which all others are to be measured.

  40. I had the story, bit by bit, from various people, and, as generally happens in such cases, each time it was a different story. – Edith Wharton, Ethan Frome (no changes necessary)

    Applies to most every illustration from an IFB pulpit…
    as well as salacious gossip about someone in the congregation.

  41. If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you’ll probably want to know is when I got saved, and the way I was baptized, and how my parents properly disciplined me, and all that Jack Hyles kind of stuff, but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. from J. D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

  42. “The so-called father of early fundamentalism—the patriarch, not only of this little squad of fundies, but, I am bold to say, of the respectable body of fundies all over the United States—was a certain permanent Inspector. He might truly be termed a legitimate son of fundamentalism, dyed in the wool, or rather, born in the purple; since his sire, an internationally known evangelist and founder of Bob Jones University, and formerly the president of said university, had created an office for him, and appointed him to fill it, at a period of the early ages which few living men can now remember.”

    Hawthorne’s The Scarlet Letter

  43. He was an old man who went soul-winning alone in a pickup in the Gulf States and he had gone eighty-four days now without getting a decision. – Ernest Hemingway, The Old Man and the Sea

  44. The publishers of vanity press books, in selecting “When Principle Was King: The Life Principles of Dr. Jack Hyles” for one of their series, expressed a wish that I should furnish them with some account of the origin of the story. I am the more willing to comply because I shall thus give an answer to the question so very frequently asked of me—how I, then a young preacher boy, came to think of and to dilate upon so very hideous an idea.

    — Mary Shelley’s introduction to “Frankenstein,” as adapted by Bob Gray, Sr.

  45. “If I cannot inspire love, I will cause fear!”
    ― Mary Shelley, Frankenstein (no edit needed)

  46. “Starving men take a harsh view of pastors too fat to walk.” Tyrion Lannister, A Clash of Kings

  47. “Deep in the human unconscious is a pervasive need for a logical universe that makes sense. But the [fundy] universe is always [completely detached from] logic.” -Frank Herbert, Dune

  48. On Children
    Kahlil Gibran

    Your children are not your children.
    They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
    They come through you but not from you,
    And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

    You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
    For they have their own thoughts.
    You may house their bodies but not their souls,
    For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
    which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
    You may strive to be like them,
    but seek not to make them like you.
    For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

    You are the bows from which your children
    as living arrows are sent forth.
    The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
    and He bends you with His might
    that His arrows may go swift and far.
    Let your bending in the archer’s hand be for gladness;
    For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
    so He loves also the bow that is stable.

  50. “Alcohol? What is alcohol? A sin by any other name would be as damnable.” -Romeo and Juliet

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