Friday Challenge: The Sermon Project

1799 sermons byJohnClarke Boston

In order to provide a good alternative to the sermon outlines book featured yesterday, today’s challenge is to submit your own sermon outline for the official Stuff Fundies Like Soul Stirring Sermons, Slide Shows, and Sunday School Skits book.

Alliteration is recommended. Seriousness is not.

199 thoughts on “Friday Challenge: The Sermon Project”

    1. Dear Pastor’s Wife:

      I’m unfamiliar with those fpellingf. Apparently the fermon authorf used UNauthorized translationf. They out-Jamefed the King.

      Bleffingf!

      Chriftian Focialift

        1. That was fantastic! Thank you PW!

          I do kind of disagree with this statement: “but we might note that having terminal and middle letterforms is not inherently any nuttier than having every sentence start with a capital letter,”

          Capitalization helps navigation (if you’re a skimmer) and readability IMHO.

  1. Why wimmerns shouldn’t wear Britches Amen

    I. Britches Point to the crotch.

    II. Britches don’t Point to the church.

    III. Britches don’t Produce converts.

    IV. Britches Pause evangelism.
    (If you start saying “Yea hath God said to Deuteronomy 22:5 it won’t be long until you do that to John 3:16 Amen?)

    V. Britches Place stumbling blocks in front of men.

    VI. Britches Pursue wordliness.

    (If the Roman numberals gets you confused just think of them as regular numbers)

    ***Your job is to determine if this is an outline I just made up or one I heard preached and took notes on***

    1. I’m guessing it’s one you’ve heard and upon which you took notes.

      I still remember Bennie Carper from Tabernacle Baptist shouting, “If it’s got two legs and a crotch in my house, it’s mine!” I’m assuming he was talking about pants, but you never know…

      1. It depends on what circles you are in. Some are formal, reserved, and proper and would NEVER utter words like that.

        Others are rambunctious and outrageous and love saying shocking things. (A Hyles-type church I knew of had a pastor who’d yell in their Christian school’s chapel about loose women and homosexuals and he’d use really rude slang which I’m not going to type out. I was horrified that teens were sitting under that kind of “preaching.”)

        1. Interesting. My fundy church was in the Hyles orbit.
          (I actually considered going to HAC but thank God for Schaap being outted before I made that disasterous decision. Providence!)

        2. Got sidetracked and never finished my last comment ๐Ÿ˜ณ

          My fundy church was in the Hyles orbit, and despite the red-faced yelling, the pastor was usually proper with his language.

    2. Those who guessed made-up were correct.

      @Robert, I once heard a fundy Mog preach against going to “titty bars”. I bet he probably wouldn’t see a problem with crotch references.

  2. “Fixed”

    Proof text Psa 57:7a (KJV hey-men!)

    Psa 57:7a My heart is fixed, O God, my heart is fixed:

    (real impertent part: Don’t ever read another passage of scripture for the next 45 minutes. In fact, never even reread the text)

    1 – David was fixed on sumtin

    2 – We ought to be fixed on sumtin

    3 – I’m fixed on the King James Bible
    I. If you ain’t, youse a heathen

    4 – I’m fixed on soulwinning
    I. Gotta wear ties soulwinning so we don’t scare off the Holy Ghost hay-men?

    5 – I’m fixed on wimmins not wearing pants
    I. ‘Cause. Hay-men?

    6 – I’m fixed on bus routes
    I. How else them enter-city kids gonna learn to become godly less we drag them half hour from home to our last stand, seperates and sanctified church hay-men?

    7 – I’m fixed on standards
    I. cause we’s gots to seperate from those nasty sinners and compromisers and touch not, taste not, and handle not. Hay-men?

    Now… let’s all get down to the old-fashioned alter hay-men?

      1. For those curious, this was a genuine sermon preached at my last fundy church by a HAC grad/current administrator at a Fundy-U in Kentucky. I was appalled. This sermon helped open my eyes and propelled me out of IFB.

      1. That gets a HAY-men!!

        BTW, I mentioned recently that I was having my first drink since leaving fundy-land and you commented. Thought you’d like to know I am the proud owner of a bottle of merlot that is chillin’ in the fridge. ๐Ÿ˜Ž

        1. Dear Robert:

          Good for you!

          Merlot is a sweet wine, and for Christians there is a sweetness to the blood of Christ. Merlot is often used as sacramental wine for that reason.

          Blessings!

          Christian Socialist

          PS:

          Prayer for a Heavenly Feast:

          I wish I had a great lake of ale for the King of kings. I wish for the family of heaven to drink it through time eternal.

          Saint Brigid of Ireland

        2. Top tip: Red wine (there are ‘White Merlots, of course, so maybe this is based on an assumption) does not belong in the fridge. It should be kept at a room temperature (about 20C / 70F) and should be allowed to ‘breathe’ (i.e. kept in an opened bottle) for a little while before serving.

          These, and many other pleasant and joyful experiences, await. Enjoy!

          Wherever the Catholic sun doth shine
          There’s always laughter and good red wine.
          At least I’ve always found it so.
          Benedicamus Domino!
          (Hilaire Belloc)

        3. CS:

          Thank you kindly. ” for Christians there is a sweetness to the blood of Christ.” That deserves a genuine Amen!

        4. LTW: “Top tip: Red wine (there are โ€˜White Merlots, of course, so maybe this is based on an assumption) does not belong in the fridge. It should be kept at a room temperature (about 20C / 70F) and should be allowed to โ€˜breatheโ€™ (i.e. kept in an opened bottle) for a little while before serving.”

          Really? I was told that it should be refrigerated until about an hour before you drink it, at which point it should be taken out and allowed to warm slightly. And Whites, are the inverse.

          I’m a novice at this, and like everything else there seems to be conflicting info out there.

        5. I suppose it would depend to some extent on your climatic conditions. If you live in a place that regularly gets hotter than about 20C / 70F, maybe the wine would benefit from (GENTLE) refrigeration, e.g. in a ‘cool room’ or something. Of course, the best thing is a cellar.

          Also, there are certain types of very light red wine which, in southern France, are taken chilled as a summer lunchtime drink. I was shocked when I discovered this, it seemed like an anathema to me, but it’s true – and surprisingly refreshing.

          In vino veritas
          In veritas gaudeamus
          Gaudete omnes
          Sic jubilate bibemus

          (In wine is truth, in the truth we rejoice; rejoice, everyone! So let us drink merrily!) Apologies for any bad latin grammar. I was never much good at it.

      1. Hey, Real True Christians shouldn’t have pets! That’s just time, energy, and most of all money and attention being wasted on something that’s not going to gid’s own HAY-vun anyway, ๐Ÿ™ when it all, esp the money, should be going to the House O’the LAWD and His Annointed, The Man O’gid his very one self. A dog may be a good symbol of unquestioning Obedience and Submission, but a properly trained wife is far better. And everyone knows cats are of the Devil anyway. ๐Ÿ‘ฟ ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

  3. FAT Christians – that’s what you’re called to be

    1 – Faithful
    a. Faithful to the Old Paths
    b. Faithful to the Pastor
    c. Faithful to your wife (unless you have a cute secretary), but hey it’s her fault for causing you to stumble so you’re still faithful anyway.
    d. Did I mention Faithful to the Pastor

    2 – Available
    a. Available to do what the Pastor says
    b. Available to cover for the pastor when he’s “out of town” with his secretary
    c. Available to be a character witness when corruption charges are ultimately brought upon the dear pastor.

    3 – Teachable
    a. Ability to understand that whatever I say is right and you should never ever question my authority or I will end you, you wretched piece of filth that is not worthy to carry my cloak. But I love you that’s why you should be teachable.

    Conclusion:
    If you do what I say you’ll be a FAT christian. If you don’t you’re a FAT slob.

    Brenda – can you come to the piano you sweet little thang and play us the 1,2,4 verse of Just as I Am.

    Haymen!

  4. This one may be hard for me. I have enough trouble making artificial bullet points out of Scripture. Alliterating, in my opinion, wastes valuable time I could be mowing the lawn or doing something useful.

    I’ll think on it and get back to you later.

    1. “Alliterating, in my opinion, wastes valuable time I could be mowing the lawn or doing something useful.”
      Priceless! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† I may have to borrow that line from you.

    2. UW, some alliterations just seem to fall together, so I try to give benefit when in doubt. But if outline headings have been obviously manipulated for Alliterative Cute Factor, in my book the preacher automatically loses about 80% of whatever initial credibility he may have.

      In my own preaching I NEVER alliterate, and if it happens accidentally I consider finding An Appropriate Alliterative Avoidance Alternative.

      Happy B-day BTW!

      1. Ahhh….that Michael! (I was wondering)
        I had one message that accidentally alliterated automatically/autonomously. I left it. But that was the only one I recall having alliteration. If I have 4 points, and three wind up with the same letter or rhyme, I’ll change one to keep it from looking like failed alliteration.

        Thanks for the wishes. I celebrated by working the first 7 hours, sleeping the day away, and working the last 5 1/2 hours of the day.

        Anyone following this older post–Keep Michael (apparently one of many) in your prayers as he relearns to walk after a plane incident.

  5. Title: Will You Do As You Have Been Taught?

    Passage: Colossians 2:6-8

    “As ye have therefore received Christ Jesus the Lord, so walk ye in him: rooted and built up in him, and stablished in the faith, as ye have been taught, abounding therein with thanksgiving. Beware lest any man spoil you through philosophy and vain deceit.”

    1. Receive Christ

    If you asked Christ to save you at our Bible-believing, KJV-reading, hymn-singing, separated, independent, fundamental Baptist church, you are supposed to STAY in this church. Our Bible passage says “as you received Christ,” that’s how you ought to walk. So don’t be walking away from this church. You’ll be walking into wickedness.

    2. Root Yourself in Christ

    The best way to do that is by being here in church every time the doors are open.

    3. Remain in Christ

    “As you have been taught” – You’ve been told pants on women is a sin, so why are you wearing them? You’ve been told that Thursday nights are for soul-winning, so why are you home watching that rotten television? You were told that those evil drum beats would pollute your soul, so why are you listening to that Christian radio station in your car? You’re supposed to continue in what you were taught, and we taught you to stay away from that kind of worldliness.

    4. Respect Your Pastor

    The Bible says a believer will be abounding in thanksgiving. Are you thankful for a pastor who isn’t afraid to step on a few toes, who will tell you when you’re about to make a shipwreck of your life? Well, you should be!

    5. Refrain from Worldly Philosophy

    The world will tell you it’s OK to go to movies; it’s OK to dress like the world. They’ll print all those other Bible perversions. But don’t you believe them! Don’t get spoiled by the world! You need to go home and delete your facebook account. You’re being exposed to sinful worldly philosophy and you’ll get pulled away. Too many young people are leaving our church because they didn’t stand for Jesus! They’re vain! They’re deceived! They didn’t continue AS THEY WERE TAUGHT.

      1. I made it up this morning. I tried to find a passage that spoke of our freedom in Christ and twist it to mean “never leave the IFB.”

        But, yeah, the points ARE quite common in the IFB. Which is why some of us left: we were hungering for more JESUS!

  6. Why I believe the King James Bible

    1. Its Authorized by the Crown.

    I am not talking about King James. I am talking about King Jesus. The bible-deniers want to tear down that godly man King James. If they even read their Bible they would see that we are not to speak evil of dignitaries.

    2. Its Acclaimed by the Church.

    None of these modern perversions have ever produced a revival. None of them are acclaimed by the church.

    3. Its Aflame with Conviction

    I have tried to read some of the perversions but the Holy Spirit can’t use them since they have tampered with God’s Word the King James Bible.

    4. Its Able to Correct.

    How can you be corrected by a modern perversion when they have taken out the blood and said sodomy is okay? These little modern ear-ticklers like the perversions so they can get their paycheck and never have to correct anyone.

    5. Its Abounds with Cohesion.

    God’s word is forever settled in the King James Bible. Once you start looking at the original languages and start messing around with Scripture you create confusion in people’s minds. I am going to stick with the old time way and keep my King James.

    ***Sigh. Confession is good for the soul. I preached this abomination once at a chapel meeting.***

    1. Praise God that you now see such preaching as an abomination.

      I heard many such sermons. It took me a while to realize that we often speak more time talking about the KJV than about Jesus. (I left my KJV-onlyism long before I left the IFB.)

      1. There are many errors in the comments of this site because there is no ability to go back and edit them once we hit enter. However, I can assume that you have the ability to edit your blog posts. A cursory reading of your latest one shows several errors in the first two paragraphs. Now everybody makes a few mistakes, only God is perfect. But for someone who is trying to present themselves as a writer on the internet, yours seem to be excessive. Since you have the ability to edit your blog posts, I suggest you go and do that.

  7. Well, I had another sermon prepared, but the Lord just laid something on my heart. Miss Dollie’s special just filled my heart with the joy of the Lord. I just love the old Baptist hymns, haymen? “How Great Thou Art” is one hymn that sure will make you stand up and shout, haymen?

    I. We serve a great God.
    A. He exceeds our sinfulness. (Redemption!)
    B. He expects our service. (Responsibility!)
    C. He excites our souls. (Revival!)

    II. We preach a glorious Gospel.
    A. The Word was made flesh.
    B. The world needs forgiveness.
    C. The workers must not faint.

    III. We must go and give.
    A. Bring your tithes into the storehouse.
    B. Keep your testimony from sin.
    C. Go and tell the story.

    Let’s stand every head bowed and every eye closed.

  8. I went to Fundy U and took a class on alliteration. (I sincerely wish I were making that up but alas….)

    I used to be able to alliterate anything including grocery lists. I seem to be losing my alliteration ability.

    Why I don’t alliterate.

    I. It Feels Forced.
    II. It Fuzzies the Focus.
    III. It Frames Faultily.
    IV. It Feeds Foolishness.
    V. It Flails Ferociously.
    VI. It Founders Form.
    VII. It Foozles the Facts.
    (Here I would have to stop and give you a definition of foozle)
    VIII. It Flagellates Felines.
    (Why not? After that last point you probably aren’t still listening anyway.)

      1. I went to an IFB church several times, not realizing what they were all about (but getting some clues), and I was disappointed when the sermon points were alliteration. It just seemed…like number 1, forced…and silly. I wrote down the points. It was on Acts 4 and they were:

        1. Faithful Preaching
        2. Fruitful Life
        3. Firm Stand
        4. Faultless Testimony
        5. Fervent Prayer
        6. Fertile Love
        7. Financial Sacrifice

        1. Dear Shannon H.

          It occurs to me that between saying those things and doing those things exists a great gulf. Not all who say such things cross that gulf.

          Christian Socialist

  9. Why I salute the Baptist Flag

    (Scripture reading: Any random verse will do)

    I. It has the Right Message.
    a. The Blood.
    b. The Book.
    c. The Blessed Hope.

    II. It has the Right Meaning.
    a. Colors are meaningful
    b. Colors aren’t mixed.
    c. Colors are motivating.

    III. It was Made by the Right Man.
    Don Green.
    a. Against worldly living.
    b. Against wasted lives.
    c. Against wire-rimmed glasses.

    1. I forgot the conclusion:

      Every head bowed and every eye closed. No one looking around. Will you come down to the old-fashioned altar and pledge allegiance to me….err the Baptist flag?

      Say it with me and really, like totally, mean it in your heart.

      I pledge allegiance to the Baptist Flag and to our Mog for whose kingdom it stands. One preacher, overweight and going out with the organist when his wife is away.

      1. Has anyone noticed, though, that almost all if not 100% of BJU’s PR material after the No Interracial Dating rule change intentionally include Very Happy People of Multiple Ethnic Backgrounds? It’s as annoyingly forced as alliteration. But if they didn’t do it, all the old accusations would resurrect.

        1. They aren’t just accusations. BJU has a stellar racist pedigree.
          It’s good that the school finally seems to be changing in that regard.

          College catalogs and recruitment materials and the like have always been more aspirational than reportorial. But at least they can aspire to diversity instead of to racial purity.

  10. Tree Cutting

    Jeremiah 10:3b : for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe.

    A) Why do we hew trees?

    1) To mark boundaries.
    Pro_22:28 Remove not the ancient landmark, which thy fathers have set.

    2) To make baptismals
    The axe is laid to the tree to dam the creek. It has to be deep for true immersion

    3) To mark boulavards
    Jer_6:16 Thus saith the LORD, Stand ye in the ways, and see, and ask for the old paths, where is the good way,

    B) Why do we heft an axe?

    1) It is steel,
    Pro_27:17 Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.

    2) It is sharp, (if it is 1611KJV)
    Heb_4:12 For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword,

    3) It is scriptural
    The axe is listed 11 times in the KJV, which is between 10 (number for human government) and 12 (number for divine government), meaning it is the tool to link the two.

    C) Why do we have work?

    1) To keep us busy
    Ex. 36:1 work for the service of the sanctuary,

    2) To keep us believing
    II Chron 20:20 believe his prophets, so shall ye prosper.
    Today, the prophet is replaced by the preacher.

    3) To keep us bisected
    Heb. 7:26 who is holy, harmless, undefiled, separate from sinners

      1. I never realized how easy it was to write a sermon from partial verses and ideas. I have been wasting so much time studying passages all these years. I could turn this gibberish into an hour sermon easy.

        I think I feel a call™ coming on……………..

    1. Dear UncleWilver:

      You’re good!

      For some reason, I’ve never heard anyone preach Proverbs 30:2. Perhaps you can come up with an acceptably fundamentalistic outline for that also.

      Blessings!

      Christian Socialist

      1. Our passage today is Proverbs 30.

        The Brutish Man

        1. Doesn’t have wisdom (vs. 3)
        – Come to church for wisdom
        – Commit to church

        2. Doesn’t hunger for holiness (vs. 3)
        – you like your movies, your music, your mod styles
        – you lost your love for God

        3. Doesn’t hold to the KJV (vs. 5-6)
        – The Word of God is pure
        – The Word of God is perfect: don’t add to it.

        4. Doesn’t honor their parents (vs. 11)
        – they get greedy like a horse-leech (vs. 15)
        – they get gouged (vs. 17)

        (RABBIT TRAIL about odious wives – vs. 23)

        5. Doesn’t humble himself (vs. 32)
        – don’t think you’re so smart
        – decide to listen to your pastor
        – deliberately shut your mouth

        Conclusion: If you can’t obey the Scriptures, if you care more about your dirty, rotten television and your dirty, rotten internet than being here in the house of God, if you think your parents are just old fogies who don’t know what’s going on, if you put aside this Holy Book and read other perversions, you have become more brutish than any man and you have not the understanding of a man. Don’t be that kind of brutish man.

        1. Me too, it does look like “British” at first glance.
          Now a Scotsman, on the other hand… ๐Ÿ˜Ž

        2. Dear Pastor’s Wife:

          Yesterday, someone observed that ‘Fundies’ have six, core sermons, and that all others are but variants on a theme. I believe you have demonstrated that proposition to be true.

          Blessings!

          Christian Socialist

        3. Words Fundies Like:
          Fogies
          Fuddy-Duddy
          Floozy
          Wishy-Washy

          There seems to be a disproportionate use of these technical terms inside IFB vs. General public English. Is it a separation from Worldly-Talk? Holy language? Unknown tongues of angels? Or just jargon passed from generation to IFB generation?

          Any others?

        4. Brazen Hussy (?)

          The TV-smashing video reminded me of a pair of adjectives I heard a lot in fundyland: “dirty, rotten” — dirty, rotten sinners; dirty, rotten television; etc.

    2. Uncle Wilver,
      I appreciate your sermon that contained the point about bisecting the world. I couldnโ€™t help but think that the subtle message was that all Christians should not be bi-curious, they should, obviously, be bisectual!
      Thanks for the spiritual enlightenment. I will try harder to bisect the works, now that I know my mission.
      Sorry for the late post (if you even get this), but the same subject came up in the geometry class I teach (when I was instructing them on how to bisect a line and ) triangle. I told the students that the bisected line (or triangle) shouldnโ€™t be judged harshly for being bisectual.
      I donโ€™t mean to punnish youโ€ฆ Yes I do!

  11. Tree Cutting

    Jeremiah 10:3b : for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe.

    A) Why do we hew trees?

    1) To mark boundaries.
    Pro_22:28 Remove not the ancient landmark, which thy fathers have set.

    2) To make baptismals
    The axe is laid to the tree to dam the creek. It has to be deep for true immersion

    3) To mark boulavards
    Jer_6:16 Thus saith the LORD, Stand ye in the ways, and see, and ask for the old paths, where is the good way,

    B) Why do we heft an axe?

    1) It is steel,
    Pro_27:17 Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.

    2) It is sharp, (if it is 1611KJV)
    Heb_4:12 For the word of God is quick, and powerful, and sharper than any twoedged sword,

    3) It is scriptural
    The axe is listed 11 times in the KJV, which is between 10 (number for human government) and 12 (number for divine government), meaning it is the tool to link the two.

    C) Why do we have work?

    1) To keep us busy
    Ex. 36:1 work for the service of the sanctuary,

    2) To keep us believing
    II Chron 20:20 believe his prophets, so shall ye prosper.
    Today, the prophet is replaced by the preacher.

    3) To keep us bisected
    Heb. 7:26 who is holy, harmless, undefiled, separate from sinners

    (I’m kind of embarrassed I could proof-text so many verses)

      1. I dunno……I’ve heard some that were so memorable they could have been repeated twenty minutes later.

        Back in Fundy High, we heard the same sermons each week. Different proof-text, same message. All hail the mog and follow his rules.

  12. Topic: America, The United States of (a/k/a “I bleed red, white, and blue but hate everything about this country.)

    I. The Constitution Represents America’s Purpose
    A. Our believing founders.
    B. Our blessed freedoms.
    C. Our Baptist faith.
    II. The Courts Reject America’s Past
    A. Our prayerless schools.
    B. Our pagan society.
    C. Our President’s socialism.
    III. The Church Redeems America’s People
    A. Our authorized Bible.
    B. Our accurate beliefs.
    C. Our ancient background.

    1. Awesome alliteration! (That’s kind of why I like it because it’s like a word game.)

      That last point is a truly masterful touch: heresy hidden behind cute alliteration.

      1. I have often wondered about the KJV as a point in a patriotic sermon. I didn’t realize the US existed in 1611.

        Although it did almost exist in 1769 when the current KJV was edited.

  13. Sitting in a CLE on gender discrimination today. So . . .

    Topic = Women

    I. The Temptress
    A. Fruit Feasters (Eve, and preach on being fat here)
    B. Hair Hackers (Delilah, and preach on long hair here),
    C. Idle Idolators (Jezebel, and preach against TV here)
    II. The Talker
    A. Gossip Girls (Euodias & Syntyche)
    B. Listening Ladies (Mary & Martha)
    C. Silent Sisters (“Let your women keep silence in the churches.”)
    III. The Testimony
    A. Holy Handmaidens (Mary, but preach against Catholics here)
    B. Submissive Spouses (Beverly Hyles, and preach against Elizabeth Elliot here)
    C. Willing Wives (Proverbs 31, but preach against working women here)

        1. I never heard any fundy attack her; I never heard any praise her either. I discovered her books all on my own and read them and were blessed.

          If I had to make a guess, she …
          1. isn’t IFB so they have quibbles with her on doctrine
          2. isn’t separated enough for them
          3. might be considered to teach men in her public talks and radio programs

        2. 4. doesn’t use the KJV. I was a little shocked as a teenager reading “Through Gates of Splendor” because here were these super committed Christian people, but they were reading Phillips NT. It was the first realization for me that someone could love God devotedly and sacrificially but not be a KJVOnlyist.

        3. Re: Elizabeth Elliot. I put that in there because it’s always bothered me that she preaches a super-fundy view of women but then doesn’t live out her message with her own personal life (ministry outside home, husband is there to “help” her, keeps the last name that made her famous). I don’t have a problem with her ministry per se but her word and actions don’t line up. I’ve always felt like her attitude is “someone as spiritual and wonderful as me can do all this but I want to see the rest of you ladies back in the 1950s.”

        4. PW: you read Elliot’s “Let Me Be A Woman” and were blessed? ๐Ÿ˜ฏ Or we’re you referring to other books?

    1. If any fundy MoG ever actually read Proverbs 31, he would be in for a shock! Practically all the virtuous woman does is work!
      (1)She works (inside and outside her home)
      (2)she gets praised by her family
      (3)she’s precious and valuable.
      That just doesn’t work for a Fundy sermon outline.

  14. 1. Show PARTIALITY to the Pastor
    2. You must PROTECT the Pastor
    3. Always PROROGUE to the Pastor
    4. Always PRAISE the Pastor
    5. Make your Pastor PROUD
    6. Don’t forget to PAY your Pastor
    (Being as 6 is the number of man, I’ll stop there)

    1. Ugh….I definitely preached a 5-minute message once (we would have those now and then where 8 or so men would preach 5-minute messages) on the Peculiar Protection of a Pastor. I took some verses about Moses and how God told the Israelites to deal with him, and applied them to the church today. I talked about how standing behind him would protect you from the devil’s attacks, etc. *sigh*

      Context…I had no idea. ๐Ÿ™ I did what I’d seen others do all the time — take a thought that sounds good and supports what you want, and find scriptures that seem to fit it. I have since repented in sackcloth and ashes.

  15. Bus Ministry – How to run a Bountiful Bus Route

    1. Bribe them (Samuel 3:16)
    2. Bring them in (Hebrews 8:11)
    3. Berate them (Proverbs 22:6)
    4. Baptize them (Acts 2:7)
    5. Begone with them by 12:30 (Ezekiel 4:19)

  16. I CANNOT TAKE CREDIT FOR THIS!
    But I like it. I don’t even remember where I first read it, but for your ??pleasure??
    (If I saw it on SFL, please forgive the repetition)

    The Prodigal Son in the Key of F
    Author Unknown

    Feeling footloose and frisky, a featherbrained fellow forced his father to fork over his farthings. Fast he flew to foreign fields and frittered his
    family’s fortune, feasting fabulously with floozies and faithless friends.
    Flooded with flattery he financed a full-fledged fling of “funny foam” and fast food.

    Fleeced by his fellows in folly, facing famine, and feeling faintly fuzzy, he found himself a feed-flinger in a filthy foreign farmyard. Feeling frail and fairly famished, he fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from the fodder fragments.

    “Fooey,” he figured, “my father’s flunkies fare far fancier,” the frazzled fugitive fumed feverishly, facing the facts. Finally, frustrated from failure and filled with foreboding (but following his feelings) he fled from the filthy foreign farmyard. Faraway, the father focused on the fretful familiar form in the field and flew to him and fondly flung his forearms around the fatigued fugitive. Falling at his father’s feet, the fugitive floundered forlornly, “Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited family favor.”

    Finally, the faithful Father, forbidding and forestalling further flinching, frantically flagged the flunkies to fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast.

    Faithfully, the father’s first-born was in a fertile field fixing fences while father and fugitive were feeling festive. The foreman felt fantastic as he flashed the fortunate news of a familiar family face that had forsaken fatal foolishness. Forty-four feet from the farmhouse the first-born found a farmhand fixing a fatling.

    Frowning and finding fault, he found father and fumed, “Floozies and foam from frittered family funds and you fix a feast following the fugitive’s folderol?” The first-born’s fury flashed, but fussing was futile. The frugal first-born felt it was fitting to feel “favored” for his faithfulness and fidelity to family, father, and farm. In foolhardy fashion, he faulted the father for failing to furnish a fatling and feast for his friends. His folly was not in feeling fit for feast and fatling for friends; rather his flaw was
    in his feeling about the fairness of the festival for the found fugitive.

    His fundamental fallacy was a fixation on favoritism, not forgiveness. Any focus on feeling “favored” will fester and friction will force the faded facade to fall. Frankly, the father felt the frigid first-born’s frugality of forgiveness was formidable and frightful. But the father’s former faithful fortitude and fearless forbearance to forgive both fugitive and first-born flourishes.

    The farsighted father figured, “Such fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivity for the fugitive that is found? Unfurl the flags and finery, let fun and frolic freely flow. Former failure is forgotten, folly is forsaken. Forgiveness forms the foundation for future fortune.”

    1. “Voilร ! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it’s my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V…”

        1. John Hurt was the Chancellor. The closest thing to a MoG in that film was the talk show host, who would say things like “I’m a God-fearing Englishman and I’m God-damned proud of it” right after bashing all of the things that the government had outlawed. He really was no more than a paid lackey.

  17. Text: That verse is the New Testment that goes “Jesus is the Line of Judah.”

    Now folks, Jesus is the Line of Judah. In what ways is he a Line?

    I. He is a railroad line, for he carries us to Heaven.

    II. He is a fishing line, for he taugt us to be fishers of men.

    III. He is a telegraph line, for he brings us a word from the Father.

    IIII. He is a power line, for he gives us power (which means dynamite in the original Hebrew.)

    IIIII. He is an air line, for he will call us up to meet him in the clouds.

    In these ways Jesus is the Line of Judah.

  18. What The Bible Says About Exercise

    “Keep your Bibles handy because we are going to be jumping around a lot.”

    I. A man who is Fat is Favoured.

    A. Gives his Treasure.
    Proverbs 11:25
    The liberal soul shall be made fat: and he that watereth shall be watered also himself.

    (That liberal word there don’t mean what you think it means. It means generous, it don’t mean feminist like it means nowadays.)

    B. Gives his Time.
    Proverbs 13:4
    The soul of the sluggard desireth, and hath nothing: but the soul of the diligent shall be made fat.
    aa. Bus routes.
    bb. Sunday School.
    cc. Soulwinning.
    Be diligent!

    C. Gives his Trust.
    Proverbs 28:25
    He that is of a proud heart stirreth up strife: but he that putteth his trust in the Lord shall be made fat.

    “Skinny people don’t trust God. Don’t argue with me, I am just telling you what the Bible says. Amen?

    II. A man who is Skinny is Sinful.

    A. Sign of Wrath
    Isaiah 10:16
    Therefore shall the Lord, the Lord of hosts, send among his fat ones leanness; and under his glory he shall kindle a burning like the burning of a fire.

    B. Sign of Wrongness
    Isaiah 17:4
    And in that day it shall come to pass, that the glory of Jacob shall be made thin, and the fatness of his flesh shall wax lean.

    C. Sign of Wretchedness
    Isaiah 24:16
    ……But I said, My leanness, my leanness, woe unto me! …….

    III. The Man who is Spiritual Sits a lot.

    “bodily exercise profiteth little Amen?”

    “Let’s take a look at what exercises Christians should be doing. Amen?”

    A. Refuses profanity.
    1 Timothy 4:7
    But refuse profane and old wives’ fables, and exercise thyself rather unto godliness.

    “It is clear from this verse that exercise is like profanity.”

    B. Reasons Prudently
    Hebrews 5:14
    But strong meat belongeth to them that are of full age, even those who by reason of use have their senses exercised to discern both good and evil.

    “Here we see that we are supposed to eat a lot of meat. If we eat a lot of meat we will be able to tell good from bad amen?”

    C. Has a Righteous Present
    Hebrews 12:11
    Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby.

    “Nowhere in the Bible are we commanded to exercise bodily. In fact the Bible says it is pointless. Every exercise a Christian is commanded to do can be done in an old-fashioned prayer closet. Or out on a bus route amen?”

    “You women ought to be ashamed of yourselves for getting out and walking around the neighborhood. The only reason you are worried about your weight is vanity.
    Some of you don’t think your husbands should eat whatever he wants. Well, if you really loved him you would let him eat how he sees fit. Amen?”

    Now Brother Fred is going to come up here and lead us in prayer over the chicken dinner.

    ***************************************************

    If a pastor hops through the Bible from verse to verse he does it for the same reason that practitioners of the Cups and Balls or Three Card Monte learn to keep things moving. They do it to confuse you so that you lose track of what they are doing and then they can put one over on you.

    1. “If a pastor hops through the Bible from verse to verse he does it for the same reason that practitioners of the Cups and Balls or Three Card Monte learn to keep things moving. They do it to confuse you so that you lose track of what they are doing and then they can put one over on you.”

      Now that’ll preach!!!

      1. Partner, I perceive that you practice prestidigitation? The cups and balls are considered a rite of passage for magicians, because a well routined act will involve almost all of the basic effects in magic; Vanishes, Productions, Transpositions, Penetrations (solid through solid), and all performed with a mastery of misdirection.

        The 3 card monte is a great busker’s act; the spectator (mark) doesn’t have a chance of winning, despite the seemingly fair display of the cards.

        Both routines are only effective when the performer is able to ‘direct’ attention to the ‘effects’ while MISdirecting them from the ‘methods’.

        You nailed it Scorpio… Sermons in Fundyland are rich in direction (to submit, to revere the MOG), this is the desired effect. They are also filled with MISdirection from their methods ( Manipulation, Guilt, Isolationism) Shazzam!!

  19. DON’T BE A FRENCH FRY FOREVER.

    FAITHFUL to church

    REAL faith is shown by being faithful to church

    EVERYONE is deserving of fire &brimstone

    NEVER talk about the appointed MOG, or else you get #3

    CHURCH attendance is the most important part of ones life

    HELL is where all unrepentant sinners, sodomizers, pornographers & adulterers go.

    FREE GIFT – just got to say the magic cookie cutter prayer and you can go to heaven.

    REALLY it’s FREE – you don’t have to live God, or your neighbor (except to get them to say the magic words) especially if they are liberal, god hating, Bible believer hating, Obama loving, socialist, taking you 2nd amendment right Democrats!

    YOU WILL SPEND ETERNITY IN A PLACE THAT IS WORSE THEN STICKING YOUR HAND IN THE DEEP FRYER AT CHICK-FIL-A! Do you want to suffer like that?Think of your skin sizzling FOREEEVVVER!!!!

    I will ask Sister Janet to start to play all 100 verses of “Just As I Am” while you think about where you would spend eternity if you were to get hit by a Mack Truck as you crossed the street today.

  20. Because Christian Socialist asked:

    Proverbs 30:2 2ย Surely I am more brutish than any man, and have not the understanding of a man.

    Brothers and sisters, all wine is evil.
    In our text we see the word โ€œbrutishโ€ to describe an ignorant man. We know he is ignorant because he has no understanding.
    According to the dictionary, the word โ€œbrutโ€ refers to a wine.
    Therefore, drinking wine makes on ignorant, and the Bible says, โ€œI would not have you ignorantโ€.
    Wherefore, all alcohol is evil and should be avoided.

    1. Ignore the extra “2” and add an “e” to “on”

      I cannot be expected to think and type clearly. I just knocked my ladder off of the house with a tree branch, and had to spend a bit of time “fishing” it up with a pole saw. I though I was going to be stuck until my wife came home from work.
      I believe it’s lunch break.

  21. All sermons boil down to this :

    Be committed to Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night,
    Tithe
    Be at the church whenever the doors are open
    Have a minimum of two ministries
    Feel guilty that you don’t do more

    This is the bare minimum to be right with God.

      1. So true!

        Our music guy preached a sermon a month ago (before I left said ministry) which was titled: How To Suport Your Pastor. (And….it was alliterated!)

        1. Prayer
        2. Provision
        We have to take care of our Shepherd first and foremost before anything else; The $750,000 mortgage, the light bill, the gas bill…any bill!
        a. Come to Church
        b. Be receptive of his preaching
        c. Provide a time of reprieve (Note: here is the definition of “reprieve:” 1.cancel or postpone the punishment of (someone, esp. someone condemned to death).)
        3. Protection
        He noted under this section that the pastor couldn’t tell anyone about his woes but God. Really? Where is his accountablility to God’s people? He is setting himself up as untouchable and unwilling to rub shoulders with the masses (ie, us commoners in the pews).

        “Pastor’s need people to be a comfort to them.”

        “Guard and honor the reputation of the pastor.”

        What’s wrong with this picture?

  22. Scorpio – Right! Which of course means not questioning anything he does – ours would brag from the pulpit about spanking his son when he was 6 weeks old (now 35) – yes I said 6 weeks!

  23. “Alliteration is recommended. Seriousness is not.”

    Well, if you’re going to produce a proper sermon outline which us simple folk can understand and allegedly remember, it MUST be alliterated!

    My very recent former-fundy (ha, I wrote “fundy!”) CEO ALWAYS alliterates his sermons and “teaching” powerpoints. He “apologizes” when he can’t quite get it all starting with the same letter, or he draws our attention to it when he’s impressed with his cleverness. And in keeping with his emphasis on the Old Testament Law he outlined:

    Exodus 14: LESSONS FROM RED SEA EXPERIENCES
    1. Lesson of Restriction (13:17-18)
    2. Lesson of Recognition (14:4-9)
    3. Lesson of Rebuke (14:10-12)
    4. Lesson of Reminder (14:13-14, 31)
    5. Lesson of Responsibility (14:15-18)
    Note: “It’s a man’s duty to go as far as can on the right road.” and, “The right road always leads to the right place.”
    6. Lesson of Reliance ((14:19-25)
    7. Lesson of Removal (14:26-27,30,13)

    This, dear brethren, will PREACH!

    1. Isn’t that a book? Your former Fundy CEO isn’t the only one using that booklet as the basis for a sermon series – I wonder if either one is giving due credit.

      I thought for a minute we knew the same MoG, but mine wouldn’t know how to use PowerPoint.

        1. Lessons from Red Sea Experiences. Maybe your MoG is the guy who wrote it, but the one I’m thinking of showed me the booklet and told me he was going to use it as the basis for a sermon series – one sermon for each of the “lessons” and he has a couple months worth of sermon material.

        2. Well I’ll be hornswoggled (as my grandmother used to say)!

          And to think I thought that the CEO thought it all up himself.

          Once again I’ve been bamboozled (as my grandmother also used to say).

        3. I just looked it up on Google and that looks like the same one. It’s been a few months since he showed to me.

  24. I wonder how many fundy Mogs write their sermons with Scrabble Word Finder open in a tab on their computer?

    “Hmmmm. Word that starts with W. Oooh quite a list! I may be able to add another point or two.”

  25. All I can think of are ideas. Someone should do one on the importance of church based on Hebrews 10:25a or maybe one on revival based on 2 Chronicles 7:14.

  26. Judges 15:15-16
    15 And he found a new jawbone of an ass, and put forth his hand, and took it, and slew a thousand men therewith.
    16 And Samson said, With the jawbone of an ass, heaps upon heaps, with the jaw of an ass have I slain a thousand men.

    I. The MoG was armed (he found a new jawbone of an ass)
    a. With the Obama administration taking your guns you need to be on the lookout to buy more guns.
    b. Have you checked the price of ammo?
    II. The MoG knew how to handle his weapon (he put forth his hand and took it)
    a. Target acquisition is crucial
    b. Practice is critical
    III. The MoG knew how to use his weapon effectively (he slew a thousand men therewith)
    a. Donโ€™t be afraid to use your weapon
    b. Always be armed with your guns
    IV. The MoG boasted righteously about his weaponry (With the jawbone of an ass, heaps upon heapsโ€ฆhave I slain a thousand men.)
    a. Daring times call for daring men
    b. Bragging about your bravery is blessed by God!

    1. I am all for gun control Haymen! If you don’t control your gun you won’t hit what yer aimin at!

      (I say this as a gun owner, in a joking manner lest anyone misunderstand.)

    2. The church that I’m being drug to by my family has a preacher that would completely preach a sermon like this. Like you I own, and responsibly use a gun. But there comes a point when twisting God’s word goes too far. ๐Ÿ™„

  27. Extra credit only for alliteration? How about this one? I heard it preached 35 years ago and haven’t forgotten.

    GOD NEEDS A “PRAY” MAN
    GOD NEEDS A “SAY” MAN
    GOD NEEDS A “PAY” MAN
    GOD NEEDS A “SWAY” MAN (able to influence others….”

    I think “WAY” was in there, but not “LAY” or “GAY.” Can I hear a HAY-MEN?

    The same MOG didn’t preach the Sunday night before Christmas. Instead, he took the microphone around the room asking the question, “What would you do if this were your last Christmas on earth?” A week later, he took the microphone around the room asking the question, “What would you do if this were your last New Years on earth?” What a dolt!

    1. Oh, Johnny MOG, get angry
      Johnny MOG, get mad
      Give me the biggest beating that I ever had
      I want a BRAVE man, I want a CAVE man
      Johnny Mog, show me that you care, show gid cares for me! ๐Ÿ˜› ๐Ÿ˜ˆ
      (all apologies to Joanie Summers)
      Aside from the cave-man reference, this is the best song for the True Man-O’gid’s doorma-er little wife.

  28. Sermon outline promoting the color “red” for the new auditorium carpet:

    1. We are called to be disciples
    2. Christ had 12 disciples
    3. There are 12 inches in a foot
    4. One foot is the Standard for a ruler
    5. A ruler in England was Queen Mary
    6. The “Queen Mary” is a ship
    7. A ship sails the seas
    8. The seas are full of fish
    9. Fish have fins
    10. The Finns fought the Russians
    11. Russians are ‘red’.
    12. We want folks rushin’ down the carpeted aisle to the altar
    13. Therefore, our carpet should be red.
    Altar call for those who disagree….

    1. Dude, best logic I’ve heard in a long time.

      LOVE IT.

      Had me laughing much too loud, especially due to the fact I was in bed, and should have been sleeping, rather than browsing this website on my phone. ๐Ÿ˜†

  29. This has been fun. If I was still Fundy Preaching, I would be set for at least six months.

    I just had an awful thought. ๐Ÿ˜ฏ Somewhere there IS a Fundy preacher scribbling madly, getting his sermons ready for the year. ๐Ÿ˜ฅ

    1. That WOULD be sobering, except for one thing.

      The ONE doctrine that they believe MOST is separation. Most of them would never touch anything with a ten-foot pole that has the taint of evangelicalism or main-line denominationalism. Though there are a few who’d use the material and just never admit where it came from, most of them eschew utterly anything that doesn’t come from a fellow fundamentalist.

  30. Text: Psalm 138:2
    “I will worship toward thy holy temple, and praise thy name for thy lovingkindness and for thy truth: for thou hast magnified thy word above all thy name.”

    1. Honor the 400 year old 1611 King James Bible.
    a. It has withstood the test of time
    b. It is the preserved word for English Speaking People.
    c. God magnifies it above his own name.

    2. Honor the Preacher of the Word
    a. He is God’s anointed to preach the word.
    b. He is in charge of caring for you soul.
    c. He is the interpreter of the Word for you

    3. Honor the house of God
    a. It is where you come to worship God
    b. It is where you do business with God
    c. It is where you honor God with your tithes and offerings.

  31. Wow! Alliteration isn’t just for the IFB church, there is a lot of Alliteration used by southern baptist and evangelical pastors as well. A ton of sermons that I’ve heard through the years uses Alliteration. Maybe I’ve been flirting closer to fundystan than I’ve thought ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

    1. I personally don’t have a problem with alliteration.

      But many dislike it because it was overused and it was forced. The alliterated points ended up sometimes obscuring the point of the passage. Knowing how law was substituted for Gospel and rules for freedom, we dislike anything that reminds us of how the clear teachings of Christ were often disregarded.

      1. I think there were possibly good men who honestly thought that alliteration would work as a teaching tool to help people remember the information in the sermon.

        The sad thing is that when any neutral idea, like alliteration, is used repeatedly by somebody poorly, for example, in sermons that aren’t biblical, then the alliteration, which itself isn’t evil, becomes associated with those other things.

        And thingy. I’m having trouble remembering my words because it’s 1am here. I hope you can understand what I mean!

        1. My pastor would always insert a sermon outline in the church bulletin, with blanks for you to fill in. Ladies in the mothers room would rush to see if they could fill in the blanks before he got there. He was usually obvious enough that it could be done. And yes, alliteration was king.

        2. Oh, and the college students all received lecture notes with blanks for them to fill in. That was their entire text.

          Yup. We’re doing us some high class learnin’ at this here kawledge.

    1. Well played! BTW, Warren Wiersbe was also a magician. Most people are unaware that the FIRST TWO of his prolific published books were Magic books, published by Magic, Inc. in Chicago; “Action with Cards”, and “Tantalizing Thimbles”. The card book is… Okay. The thimble book, a platform manipulation act is pretty good.

      His later books in the “Be” series of commentaries are mostly edifying and accessible. Thus endeth my book review. Oh, yeah, he also dated my Mother In Law briefly back in the day, and I still detect her fondness for him.

      This is the first time I saw his name used here. Thanks for the trip to memory lane.

      1. The book I have of WWW’s is Preaching and Teaching with Imagination. It’s basically a plea to preachers to think outside the box .. and the formulaic outline.

        I got rebuked on FB for referring to it because the imaginations of man are eeeeevil!

        1. Some fundies dislike facebook because they see it as an opportunity for sin. Others LOVE facebook because it offers them daily opportunities to judge and rebuke others, proving their own spiritual superiority.

          (I’ve read and been blessed by several of Wiersbe’s books.)

        2. Aye carumba! Rebuked by a fundy steeped in their own ignorance. If they knew the difference between “imagination” (such as speaking in parables, as Jesus did in order to engage listeners), and “imaginations” (as used in the context of the above verse, where “imaginations” obviously refers to fallen man’s best laid plans…as in the book of
          Ecclesiastes)then, maybe they’d be less annoying. Maybe. Less.

        3. It wasn’t even someone who knows me! Someone saw fit to comment on a comment I made on a mutual friend’s page.

          I was quite intrigued to discover I could call up a fundy even in the fairly mainstream UK Christian circles I inhabit.

  32. Biblical Real Estate.
    Location. Location. Location.

    1. “Insert church name” is where your faith should be. All other churches teach heresy.
    2. “Insert church name” is where your finances should be. Worldly treasures perish. Giving invests in heavenly treasures.
    3. “Insert church name” is where your fidelity should be. Loyalty is commanded by God for the edification of the believers by his shepard.
    4. “Insert church name” is where your fellowship should be. Avoid the influences of the world by fellowshiping with members of the church.
    5. “Insert church name” is where your future should be. All other paths lead to distruction.

  33. Dear SFL Reader:

    I lack the native intelligence to produce something like this, but someone gave us an outline many of us might recognize.
    _____________________________

    1. ABUSE OF INDIVIDUALITY They adopt a “groupness” mentality. They are not permitted to think for themselves apart from the group and only accept what they are told.

    2. ABUSE OF INTIMACY Relationships with friends, relatives, spouses, children, parents etc are broken or seriously hampered.

    3. ABUSE OF FINANCES Pressure to give all you can to the group. In non-communal groups, members usually live at the lower socio-economic strata, not because of a lower income level, but because they are always giving money to the group for some reason.

    4. ABUSE OF TIME AND ENERGY The group controls and uses almost all the members time and energy in group activities. They are usually in a constant state of mental and physical exhaustion.

    5. ABUSE OF FREE WILL They must unquestioning submit to the groups teachings and directions and their own free will is broken. Their “will” actually becomes the groups “will” without their realizing it. This is done either by coercive methods including low protein diets and lack of sleep, or over a period of time through intimidation. Both methods make heavy use of “guilt”.
    _____________________________

    From what I gather, this message could be preached from any passage, providing that the translation is King James conversant.

    Blessings!

    Christian Socialist

    1. Dear JW:

      Got that right!

      The word ‘pure’ which our friend uses is ‘Tahor.’ It is used in Ge 7:2 [Clean animals] and in Ge 8:20 [clean birds]. Right away, you get a ‘heads-up’ that ‘tahor’ primarily concerns ceremonial purity. Since ceremonial law ceased with the diaspora, we might want to find a firmer basis for our doctrine of Scripture.

      You show us once again that with some people, the only use of Scripture is to provide a pretext for the REAL faith. [Rolls eyes].

      Blessings!

      Christian Socialist

  34. Uncle Wilver,

    I appreciate your sermon that contained the point about bisecting the world. I couldn’t help but think that the subtle message was that all Christians should not be bi-curious, they should, obviously, be bisectual!
    Thanks for the spiritual enlightenment. I will try harder to bisect the works, now that I know my mission.
    Sorry for the late post (if you even get this), but the same subject came up in the geometry class I teach (when I was instructing them on how to bisect a line and ) triangle. I told the students that the bisected line (or triangle) shouldn’t be judged harshly for being bisectual.
    I don’t mean to punnish you… Yes I do! ๐Ÿ™‚

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