251 thoughts on “Friday Challenge: Identify The Problem”

  1. Ice.

    Brethren (that’s a male gender noun, by the way, but also refers to women, because you are only as good as and as known by your male head. For wives that’s her husband, for widows that’s her father, for teenage girls that’s her managawd):
    Have you noticed how the world likes to take ordinary, God-fearing words and put them to use serving the devil? When I grew up, weed was something you pulled from the garden, pot was something you cooked in, head was the thing on top of your neck, and a cunulinguist was someone who studied ancient languages, HEY! You perverted crap-stain, look up here at brother Fundystan! HEY! Don’t think God doesn’t know how you’ve been perverting the word ICE! Godless heathen black people use the word to refer to diamond jewlary – well we’re men, not wimmins, and we don’t wear no jewlary. And where did they get the money for those diamonds? Selling crack! Is that what you want to be like? Some crack-selling, jewlary wearing, black man? God forbid! That’s what brother Paul said, amen? HEY! Imma talking to you, you no-good language abuser! Did you know they is calling street drugs ICE? Now how perverted can you get? Everyone knows God made ice, and he made it to go in ice tea. That’s right, and I’m talking about good old fashion, give you a cavity, use it as pancake syrup SOUTHERN tea, heymen? HEY! That’s what God made ice for, not so your perverted potty mouth can use it to refer to drugs!

    ((my mind is numb. time to stop))

    1. Not only that but Brother Anderson down there Arizona way has been harrassed by ICE when he’s out trying to witness they want him to show ID and let them scan the RFID chip in his hand and all that. We know that these federal agints are nothing more than the preliminary waves of the minions of Anti-christ, wanted to promote their one world gubmint by tracking godly Mericans while pretending to be securing the border.

    2. Amen, this sermon blessed my heart.

      I remember when a polished shaft referred to arrows and not what some liberals who hate the mannagid make it out to be.

  2. Well, my word is “Lead”, and with that I’m LEAD to minister to you on the problems with the sin of leading.

    So many of so-called Christians want to study their Bible and go about their lives living on what they “believe” is best. They study their Bibles then “lead” their families.

    It’s an OUTRIGHT abomination! (pause for amens)

    If you open your KJV-1611, Inspired, Sanctified Word of God to Luke 6:39 (page 1081 in your Scofields), it reads, “And he spake a parable unto them, Can the blind lead the blind? shall they not both fall into the ditch?”

    NOW, I tell you, you blind hypocrites, how DARE you blindly lead your family in how YOU believe they should go! What do YOU know anyway?

    You have your Strong’s. You read your Greek/Hebrew texts and have the GAWL to come in this church and question ME!

    Put those things away and look to me. All the studying you need is what I will give you. I am the chosen one, the annointed one and the only one to do the leading.

    Take a look at I Cor. 11:3 (page 1221 in your Scofields). It says, “…that the head of every man is Christ; and the head of the woman is the man”.

    Folks, your pastor is the “man” here. And you, you are “the woman”. Follow these words I’ve said to you, and allow me to be your whole Lead.

    Every head bowed and every eye closed.

    (Can I throw up now?)

  3. “Tendency”
    I want to preach on the word “tendency” tonight. I was gonna preach on something else, but God told me to preach on this.
    Open your Bibles to Genesis 14:20. Now look right up here at me. Keep your eyes on me.
    I think you all should know if you’re faithful to our Sunday evening services that numbers are very important in the Bible.
    And smack in the middle of the word “tendency” is the word “ten”. And ten is a number.
    This is no coincidence, amen?
    Now Abraham gave a tenth of everything to God amen? He was a tither. Must not’ve been a member at this church—yeah I said it—amen?
    You remember the ten spies who were cowards? Not tithers.
    You remember the ten plagues God sent on Pharaoh? Pharaoh was not a tither.
    Do you think this is a coincidence? There are no coincidences in this King James Bible amen?
    Ten is the number of perfection.
    This is why I’ve always said the King James Bible is better than perfect. It wasn’t written in 1610—which would have shown us it was perfect. It was written in 1611—better than perfect by one whole year—amen?
    Let’s pray.

  4. Sort:
    Would ya stand please for the reading of the word of Gawduh. HAAYMEN!
    What sort of problems are facing God’s people in God’s last great nation? I’ll tell you Diverse and Sundry my brothers and sisters!
    Why? Because we have the SORT of people in this country now, by Gawd, that are out there committin’ sins of every SORT! You know, Haymen, we got the wickit-niss of the homaseckshills and the lezbyisms doing the SORT of thing that ought not to BE, Bless Gawd!
    What SORT of nation have we become when the SORT of thing written about in Zecheniah and First Damacles is happenin right now on the streets of New York City??! HAAAY-Men-uh!
    It’s the SORT of wickedness that is gonna make many a man…I said many a man…if you wanna call a dress-wearing-high-heel-stumbling adam’s apple bearded women lookin’ like a circus freak, any SORT of a man!??! HAAYMEN somebody tell me what in the world have we become??
    What SORT of cockamamey gospel are they preachin down there at the second liberal Lutheran Methodist church these days?? Huh?? Somebody…?
    They preach a LIE HAYMEN! The SORT of lie that brings us to a place where we got teenage girls developing breasts right before our eyes! Bless Gawd when I was a boy…and when ya’ll were young’uns in the FIF-TAYS-UH…teenage girls didn’t have the SORT of breasts these young girls have now! HAYMEN??!! The SORT of wickedness this country is producing has altered the very growth spurts…yes I said it…I said spurt! We’re preacing now brother pastor…this ain’t baby talk! Haymen we said spurt! The growth spurts of these young girls is being altered in their very bodies. Their whatdyacallit…their…their…their D and A…thats it the D and A is altered by sin and they grow breasts now at an age when girls didn’t have ’em back in our day…back when America still blessed Gawd Haymen! The SORT of wickedness that gets in your very flesh and it’s no WONDER that a man of Gawduh like brother Schaap did the SORT of thing he did. With the SORT of breasts running around this sin-sick country right now it’s amazing every pastor isn’t falling for that SORT of stumblingblock.
    And Haymen, you know what else there is?? There’s the SORT of wickedness that reads a different SORT of Bible then we read back in the day! Bless Gawd brother if you want to know why we have the SORT of problems in America we have right now it’s because they’s readin’ a different SORT of Bible then we read. HAAAAYMEN they got the NIV, the NLT, the ESV, the NASB. They got the ABC, the NFL and the CBS HAYMEN!!?? (pause for Fundie laughter)
    What SORT of Man of God reads anything but a Kang James 1611?? HUH??! C’MON now??!! Somebody say it! NO SORT of Man of God that’s what kind!! …(wipe brow…catch breath…waddle over and stand with your crotch uncomfortably at eye level with the host pastor…) Oh I’m PRAYCHIN’ now Brother John! Oh I’m PRAYCHIN!! They done already took the offering so I’m free to preach under the annointin’ Haymen!? (more nervous Fundie laughter…replete with one bellowing man to the left who thinks this is funnier than Richard Pryor and who bleats like Ed McMahon at Johnny Carson’s every word) BIG FINISH: I’ll tell you eye hath not seen nor ear hath not heard (grammatically correct Fundie-speak) nor can the mind comprehend the SORT of punishment and devastation that Gawduh has just around the bend…yes just around the very next turn of the calendar page, the very next New Years watchnight service…the very next ELECTION!! HAAYMEN SOMEEBODY??!! Because of the SORT of wickedness America is guilty of… And now with every head bowed and every eye closed…

    1. Auntie, this is hilarious. I laughed so hard. I think I may have even recognized a preacher or two in that rant, err, excuse me, sermon. This was awesome. Just curious, but are you a Hammondite?

      1. No Ma’am. I grew up in an IBF church that was…get this…TOO Fundie to join the IBF! They believed in all the doctrine and legalism and they touted Hyles / Jones / PCC et al but they had a few rules that went even further. What’s sad is that the Pastor was a very smar, learned man who started the church himself and for the first 20 years they were a very balanced, Grace centered “Community Church”. He didn’t want to align with any denomination because he wanted to reach everybody. It was a really great place. Around ’79 / ’80 Darrell Dunn showed up for his yearly “revival” services and his tune had changed from mostly End Times Prophecy, (which he still taught) to IBF legalism on steroids. For whatever reason…I choose to believe it was truly just a clever Satanic deception…the pastor bought into it and we became fundie central. It took 3 years of counseling and Brennan Manning’s Ragamuffin Gospel to save me from it.
        I’m a proud Liberty U grad and currently working on my Masters at the Seminary there.
        Personally I hope the Catholic Church buys FBCH and makes it the HQ for the Diocese of Indiana…that would be fitting.

        1. Wow, that’s quite a story. I’m glad you got out. All that yelling and emphasis on sex made me think of my time at HAC. Too fundy to join a fundy circle is quite the commentary. I have also taken some courses from Liberty and was quite satisfied with my experience there.

  5. Today’s topic, boys and girls, is Damage.

    Please open your Bibles to page 533, if you have the correct Bible. The rest of you may turn to Ezra 4:22 Take heed now that ye fail not to do this: why should damage grow to the hurt of the kings?

    As we all know, liberalism is sweeping America. This is all because of the damage done to the King James 1611 Word of God. It’s right here. Damage grows to hurt the Kings.

    My points are:

    Authorized by the King
    That wonderful defender of the faith, James I

    Authored by Conservatives
    All true Baptists on the committee. Non of thoses liberal scholars like the ESV had.

    Annotated by Conventionalists
    And not those SBC slackers. True to the conventions of Scripture.

    Now, let me tell you about my friend, and what happened on the way home from Lifeway right after he bought a n NIV………………………

  6. Now, sisters, tonight I want to talk about our beliefs and why they are so important.

    You see, sisters, this great country of ours is being ruined because not many hold onto the good old fashioned beliefs any longer. Feminists believe that we should be men. They believe that women like myself who teach should teach both women and men. But the Bible says women shouldn’t teach men, and since I’m not a man I will not teach men.
    And even a lot of so called Christians have the belief that it’s okay for women to wear pants. Well, sisters, the Bible says that women aren’t to wear that which pertaineth to a man, and that women are to dress modestly. And you know why dresses are more modest than pants, don’t you? With dresses the man can’t see the outline of your crotch, so he won’t lust after you.
    That’s right. America is being destroyed partly because of womens beliefs. women want to be men, want to have authority over men, and lead our men to lust. But let’s let our men be men. Let’s change our beliefs and let them have authority over us. And let’s believe that women are to follow the Bible and dress like women, rather than leading our men to lust. Amen?

  7. sign…look at the signs of the time. We know that there are wars and rumors of wars and natural disasters, so we know that Christ could return at any time. Now, I can’t tell you who to vote for, but I am sure I don’t have to remind you which party wants to pull America out of all the action. How can America expect God’s blessing if we don’t support Israel (by sending them military arms with few/no stipulations). Need I say anything more?

    1. Which party wants to back out of the endless wars? Are you one of them Ron Paul nuts? He’s the only nutjob call for America to stop the wars. At least Obama and Romney have enough sense to keep the wars going bigger and stronger than ever. If nothing else, at least they can agree on that.

  8. “Weight”

    I want you all to listen right up here. Close your Bibles and look at me. You there in the 3d row on the right, close that phone. We need to talk about some serious problems we have been having with our women in this church. You went and married that man you love so much, that man of God, and then you let yourself go.

    Oh, yeah, I see those brows scowling. You just keep on scowling. God called you, lady, to give that man happiness, and you did.l When he walked you down that aisle, you were thin as a rail. You had perfect curves. But then you started your soap opera watching, your texting all day, your Forum posting all day, your gossipping on the phone from dawn till dusk and what happened? No more exercising. No more cooking those great healthy meals. And your dress size went from one to two digits, then right into the twenties.

    Oh, yes, that is the problem with America. If the men of God were happy, they could storm the gates of hell and win America for Jesus, but you done gone ruint it. Now he’s spending his time all day gawking at those young hip swinging girls at work and he’s lost his focus. Yes, its your fault you gained all that weight.

    And if you’d just lose it, well, he’d be happy and stop gawking and win America for Jesus.

    Now let’s all sing number 445 together

    “All for Jesus I surrender”
    (That’s right, ladies, let go of those donuts and cookies and chocolate.)

    All to him I freely give

    (I want to see all of you twenty and larger sizes down here at the alter.)
    …..

    Amen..

  9. Mine was Idea.

    This is a huge problem in the church: people get all these IDEAS and start thinking the church is wrong and the pastor is wrong and the Old Paths are wrong. You have no idea how damaging a rebellious spirit with an idea can be. These people come up with stuff about loving other believers and doing good to the poor and changing dress standards — these ideas can lead to ecumenicalism and worldliness and sin.

    Better submit all your ideas to the Man of God. He’ll tell you if it’s a good idea or not.

    Remember, the Bible says, “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.” (2 Cor. 10:5)

    So get the idea out of your head that your ideas matter. They don’t. Now go out and start knocking on doors because THAT’S an idea that never goes out of style.

  10. Insurance.

    Insurance companies are always robbing hardworking individuals to pay for the laziness of others. Aside from that they never consider legitimate sickness as bad enough to be covered. They probably didn’t cover Lazarus, so Jesus had to come and raise him from the dead, just because they wouldn’t help the guy who really needed it. As these insurance con artists steal more money from unsuspecting families they make it harder for the husbands to provide for their families. And as we know, not providing for your family makes you worse than an infidel. (1 Timothy 5:8). Insurance companies are sending people to hell.

  11. Owner.

    Ladies, you are not the owner of your husband and your children. You are not the owner of your parents or your friends. You are not the owner of your pets. Corrie Ten Boom once said that we should hold all of life’s blessings in an open hand, because it hurts too much when God has to pry our treasures from us. Your husband is in control of you, not the other way around. Modern women like to think they control their men. Modern women brag about being the real head of the household. Modern women believe that they can live free of their husband.

    But this is not the way that God designed the families. Families were designed for the men to be in charge. When the men lose ownership of the family and women take over, the husbands suffer. Men’s pride and firm spirit cannot bear for ownership to be usurped by the wife, and so the man will reject his wife. Perhaps he will be harsh with her, or turn cold to her. Perhaps he will look elsewhere. God will do anything to pry ownership of the family out of the wife’s hand, and it will hurt!! For women, the pain of knowing that their sins ruined their families is long and enduring.

    Don’t be like this: Honour God. Love your husbands. Give them ownership of the family.

  12. Trick.

    My friends, I stand before you today to warn you of a prevailing heresy that has taken root in America today and have led many people, including Christians I might add, down the path that ancient Israel once walked when they refused to listen to the prophets. My friends, I’m talking about “Trick or Treat”. Does is not say in our King James Bible that Satan is a deceiver of men? Does it not say that tricking others is desperately wicked? So why do we teach our children that it is okay to trick strangers with our treats? Why do we encourage our little ones to dress up and pretend that they are someone they are not! HELLO? Most of you folks seem asleep out there, HELLO!? Friends, I’m just as rotten as any sinner out there but this one thing I do know: I would rather be thought of as an ol’ stinky party pooper than to have my son dress up as one of those effeminate bat-boy peoples! AMEN?

      1. In the same way that Esau sold Jacob his birthright for a bowl of soup, we’ve sold our birthrights, the KING JAMES BIBLE, the WORD OF GOD, for a bowl of soup! Those heretical other translations that shall not be named are worth LESS than a bowl of soup. Less than a bowl of lentil soup. And all those synagogues of Satan are getting mixed messages from their so-called bibles. Looky here at my Bible: See those words on the front? “HOLY BIBLE!” No New American Standard Bible, no New International Version, just HOLY BIBLE. Brothers and sisters, don’t sell your birthright for a bowl of poisoned soup.

    1. Esau sold his birthright for a pot of soup, amen? Liberal, organic foodies nowadays charge $10 for a pot of soup! Do you want your funds going to support the EPA and their liberal agenda?? Esau gave up the blessing of God for a liberal pot of soup! Ya’ll need to get your hearts right and spend your food money on the Wednesday night church suppers, where you’ll get good, right-wing spaghetti, amen?!?

  13. Brethren, I know it’s late this Wednesday Evening. Many of you have been working overtime, so you can give to the Tom Malone Center Fund, amen?

    This afterno- lately this month in my Bible study, I’ve been impressed by the many COLORs in the Bible. Now I know it says C O L O R with on your handout, but the Authorized King James Version uses the King’s English, so go ahead and write the U in there, because when we read the Bible you can just put ‘you’ in there when it fits, amen?

    First I would like to speak about White.

    There’s the Great White Throne Judgment of Revelation 20. So many lost souls are lost and going to hell, and you’d rather sit on your blessed assurance and watch some filthy TV program than win souls on Tuesday, Thursday, and Bus Ministry. The Lord is calling out ‘Who shall go for us?’ And you’d rather sit and watch Tee-vee. God help!

    Though your sins be as scarlet they shall be as White as snow.

    “My Heart was black with Sin,
    Until the Saviour came in
    His Precious Blood I know [AMAN!]
    Has washed me white as Snow.”

    Red – Next I would like to draw your attention to the colour of the Wine in Proverbs 23:31. It says – I’ll wait until everyone turns in their King James Bible [Aman!] “Look not on the wine – I say, it says LOOK NOT ON THE WINE WHEN IT IS RED AMAN? AMEN!”

    So many, many homes have been destroyed by likker and booze, The Bible says DON’T EVEN LOOK AT IT! I know the Old Testament has only One word in Hebrew for Wine – yayne – that refers to all the FruitoftheVine, but fermentation is ALWAYS a picture of SIN. I don’t know why a blood-bought child of God would even want to touch a drop of that demon Rum.

    I understand that they have these sweet fruity drinks – what are they called? – some of you teenagers drink those sweet fruity wine coolers amen? FLIRTING WITH SIN! Bless God, the Bible says DON”T EVEN LOOK AT IT! [‘s Right! AMAN]
    Ohhhhhh, but I would be remiss if I didn’t talk about Red that Precious Blood. [YES!] I know them modern PER-versions Take Out The Blood. [‘sRight!] In that church down the street, some so-called preachers in a sissy robes won’t even preach about the Blood. They say, ‘the death of Christ is enough.’ Well the Bible says without the shedding of blood is no remission,’ and Bless God, I don’t want my sins remitted, I want them atoned over! I PREACH THE OLD-TIME RELIGION! As long as I’ve got blood in my veins and breath in my lungs I’m going to preach that Blood! [general hullaballoo]
    Them modern liberals can scoff all they want, I don’t care. Amen.

    Where was i? Let’s skip over Purple and pink; they’re sissy woman’s colours. No real man ever admitted to liking pink and purple.

    Green. Genesis 9 verse 3 says, “Every moving thing
    that liveth shall be meat for you; even as the green herb have I given you all things.” There is a growing movement in Canada, even in Christian circles, of moral vegetarianism. Well, this is simply not Biblical. God’s word says that Every Moving Thing shall be meat for you. I know Real Men eat Meat. Bless God, Greens is not food; green herbs is eaten by food! (various chuckles)

    Well, that’s all the time we have for tonight. I wish I could get on down to Black, and the Mark of Cain, and Silver and Gold, to touch on Tithing, but the Tithe is still the Lord’s, amen?

    Now, with every head bowed, and every eye closed, is there anyone here who is not Saved? Bless God, All of these things won’t profit you nothing if your sins aren’t forgiven! If you’re here and you’re not saved, would you raise your hand? Hands all over the room. Would you please stand? Now look me in the eye. If you’re here and you would like to receive Jesus as your Personal Saviour, come on down to the front where our salesmen- i mean, Personal Workers will take a Chick tract and escort you down the Roman’s Road.

    You need to come. Would you come? Sister Margarita, would you come to the piano. While the instruments are playing, won’t you let God speak to your heart? Something in the message spoke to you; you need to come. Would you come? Come kneel at this old-fashioned altar of slaught– of prayer and lay your all on the altar. That’s right. Everyone stand to your feet, heads still bowed, eyes still closed.
    Dear Christian, is there something between you and the Lord tonight? You’re not walking in Vic’try; there’s a sin you’re not willing to get rid of? You need to come – won’t you come? Young people, is there something in your redbook – I mean, facebook? I didn’t speak on facebook, but if the Holy Spirit’s speaking to your heart, won’t you lay your all on the altar?
    Would you come?
    [Ad nauseum]

    (I wish I could name all the preachers I’ve channeled here, but some of them I actually respect)

  14. Protest. I’m gonna kind of use it as a verb.

    We all know that’s what those pot-smoking, tie-dye-wearing, long-haired hippies did back in the ’60s and ’70s. They ended that glorious God-given era known as The Fifties. They were communists, socialists, activists, and flower-power or power-flower people or what have you. Then they all had some kids, and those kids had some kids, and the Occupy movement was born. More smelly people in tents. And then some of those kids got really messed up and protested at their local Chik-fil-a chain with a kiss-in. So protesting is obviously bad. That’s why no matter what the man of God says, you should never protest against it. You’ll become smelly, lose all your money and turn gay.

  15. Brothers and Sisters, Iam going to preach to ya’ll t’nite about something this country is seriously lacking, and that is God given “sense”…
    We always say, “that boy aint got sense to get out of the rain”. Well there are some so-called believers that aint got a lick of “sense” about God and standards are for. If ya’ll didnt have any “sense”, you would no that standards are what set us apart from the world. “Sense” is what is able to see a dirty rotten sinner a mile away. “sense” is something those mockers over at SFL.com dont have for they like to get drunk and mock the Man of god.
    Ya’ll see, it’s the Man of god who has the only ability to “sense” what is in a mans heart (Heb 13-17)
    Now as we close, I “sense” that there are many who need to come to the alter and get right with God. as the piano plays Softly and Tenderly…….

    Softly and tenderly Jesus is calling,
    Come on down people!!!!
    Calling for you and for me;
    Im calling you sinner, get right!!
    See, on the portals He’s waiting and watching,
    Watching for you and for me.

    come on down, I sense Gawds spirit moving amonst us!!

  16. Language
    All eyes on me and excuse me while I stand on this front pew and scream and spit.
    Language. That’s right, language. It’s what’s ruining America today.
    All these people in other countries speaking different languages just so you can’t understand them. They’re God forsaken heathens. Then they come here. Come here to the most beautiful, God loving country in the world and insist on speaking in these unknown tongues.
    The word of God is clearly against this. Just look at any chapter and verse in your official 1611 KJV and what will you see? English words. That’s right the one an only official language of God is english And not only english but english as is was written by God himself in 1611.
    A person can’t even get saved until they can speak and understand 1611 english.
    (Climb down off the bench and approach a small 5 year old child. “Child do you understand what I am saying?” “Yes pastor….. climb back on bench)
    Do you see? Even a 5 year old can understand and speak english. If a child can then why can’t a foreigner? I’ll tell you why. Hardheartedness and sin.

  17. This reminds me of surprise 5-minute messages I’ve had to sit through. The pastor would pull someone’s name out of a basket, and then a random object out of a bag, and the person had to preach a 5-minute message using whatever object (anything from a Happy Meal Toy to a ballpoint pen) as an illustration.

    Ostensibly, this was to get your mind working so you could pick up any random object, relate it to a Bible verse, and use it to witness to someone.

    That was when I heard Jesus’ blood compared to a never-ending 55-gallon drum of ketchup. 🙁

    1. Our youth pastor had the boys do this during the teen time and I would secretly try to outdo their on-the-spot sermons. I didn’t like the fact that I couldn’t tell anyone about my private game and certainly could never try to compete for attention by virtue of my inferior gender.

  18. “Stone” was the word I was given. Now spoken in Fundy: “I can’t find much wrong with stone. It was rolled away. Glory! It is used on harlots & sinners but those are more verbs than nouns. Too many kids today using ‘The Pot’ & getting stoned but once again…verb. Actually, I hate it. Because Jesus said that I was a sinner just like everyone else and I should only use it when I have no sin. Dang! Gotta work on that. Clean up my act.”

    1. Jesus is the STONE made without hands that will smite… (and then go on to make up what he will smite – whatever your heart desires to make up here)

      1. George is on my phone today. The STONE that the builders rejected has become the chief cornerstone. Don’t be a stumbling block (a kind of STONE) to your weaker brother. This could be a fun word. 😀

  19. Stage

    Stage is where the devil manifests himself in the form of rock music. He has always wanted to lift himslef above God as said in Isaiah 14:13-14. He wants to be on the stage of your life! DO NOT LET HIM RULE IN YOUR LIFE!!! HEY! SATAN IS USING HIS STAGE TO INFLUENCE YOU TO DO DRUGS AND SEX AND LET YOUR WOMEN WEAR PANTS!!! Haymen!

      1. Bless God, that’s why we don’t have a “stage”, we have a platform! We don’t have no cat-lick “sanctuary,” we have an auditorium, so folks can auditorially hear the WOOD OF The LAWD!
        (My Poe’s fundamentalist voice is hard to get out of. Now my head hurts.)

  20. Dear SFL Reader:

    I got `look.` I can`t decide if this means that I should preach about Lot`s wife, cutting out eyes, or gazing up into heaven.

    Christian Socialist

  21. Opinion. [I got me a doozy, folks.]

    Brothers and sisters, HUMAN OPINION is ruining America.

    HUMAN OPINION says, “Oh, let’s be tolerant, it’s all just FINE AND DANDY if we allow abominations in one nation under God. The BIBLE says that homosexuality is an abomination against the Lord your God.

    Human OPINION says the world evolved through billions of years of random chance. The Word of God says that in the beginning GOD created the heavens and the earth.

    Man’s OPINION is that SIN is just a disease, or just normal behavior, just… something to tolerate. The Word of God says that the soul that sinneth shall DIE!

    Man’s opinion says, “Let’s just throw away our Bibles.” But the WORD OF GAWD says “Your word endureth forEVER!”

    Now I know, some preachers just stand up in their high pulpits and preach their own opinion, but around here, we don’t water down the truth – NO! We preach the word of God! If you’ve come this morning to have your ears tickled, you’d better come down this aisle RIGHT NOW and REPENT, because Jesus is coming soon. That’s not my opinion – that’s the WORD OF GOD!

    The problem with America is preachers who won’t preach the Word of God, and just give their opinion. If the church would speak up, we could stop abortions, we could stop homosexual marriages. OPINION says that’s just okay, that’s just fine. The word of the Lord says, COME OUT FROM AMONG THEM AND BE YE SEPARATE!

  22. Winter

    Our text is Matthew 24:20, “But pray ye that your flight not be in winter…”

    Listen Folks Americans have not been aprayin’! HAYMEN

    It’s America’s winter, the END of America as we know it.

    God has been very patient with America Haymen?….

    HAYMEN!???

    God couldah’ and shouldah’ destroyedah America in the free lovin’ 60’s.

    God couldah’ and shouldah destroyeda America in the 80’s when Reagan BETRAYEDAHH Gid fearin’ BOB JONES UNIVERSITYDAA against the EVIL IRS and MADE the Universityda lose its tax-exemptda statusuh fur STANDING withoutah apology that the races shouldah be kept SEPARATEdauh! HAYMEN!
    Gid coulda’ and SHOULDA destroyeda America in when she failed to IMPEACHUH Bill Clinton for havin’ sexuh with that womanah!

    Finally, Gid is goin’ to DESTROYDA America. Obama was sent by GOD, Obama is a MUSLIMAH to JUDGAHUH America. This is America’s WINTERUH (insert weeping fake tears while waving white hanky) ladies and gentlemenuh. Preparuh to die in FEMA Death Campsuh if the LORD tarriesuh and don’t rapture us awayuh.

    Brother song leader, Comeon upuh and lead us in “God Bless America!

    Haymen! HAYMEN

  23. SISTER

    There are so many funny ways to take off from that one that I can’t decide, so I’ll leave that alone to ask a question. If fundies pride themselves on not being Catholic, why do they call themselves “Brother” or “Sister” So-and-so?

  24. DIGESTION

    Brethren, what’s wrong with America today is DIGESTION. Yes, Digestion. Amen? All this fancy food, vegan this and vegetarian that, health food, halal food, it’s all of it a device of Satan to ruin our digestion! And when a man can’t digest, well, he can’t think, and when a man can’t think, he votes for Obama, lets his wife and daughters wear pants, and the economy goes to hell – all because of digestion! And those Catholics, with their cookie-Jesus, those wafers are how it all began, Amen? A man can’t digest them! It is a trick from the pit of hell! Beef, bacon, fried chicken, that is what we were meant to eat, Amen? Amen! Watch your digestion, brothers.

  25. Meh. I thought I’d have a bash at this, but the word I got was ‘sleep’. That is too easy.

    I mean you could go the whole, “You parents who go soft on your children, you are being lazy, you are sleeping, and what you don’t know about where their headed will destroy your family! While you’re letting them go to the movies, listen to CCM and make friends with those heathens from the Lutheran church across town, they are headed down the path to destruction!”

    Or you could do the whole bit about how Jesus asked his disciples to pray but they fell asleep. “How much time do you spend wasting on meaningless activities like sleeping, eating, spending leisure time with your family or socialising with the heathens from the lutheran church across town when you should be IN PRAYER!”

    Or, of course, there’s my personal favourite; “Do you know how many times your daughter sneaks out in the wee hours of the morning to have sex with her boyfriend? While you’re ASLEEP???!”

  26. Tried again and got RESPECT. There is no RESPECT for Fundamentalist Pastors any more, or for the Sabbath therefore nobody respects GOD any more therefore God will pour out his judgement ….. blah… blah… blah…

  27. My word is “swim”.

    If you’ll turn with me in your Bibles to the book of Psalms, we read together Psalm 1, verse1: “Blessed is the man who walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly…” That’s enough, now look at me! I’m going to tell you about a young boy who decided to go to the swimmin’ hole one Lord’s Day morning with his Catholic friend, so talked him into it.

    Oh, he KNEW better than to skip Church when the doors were open, but he listened to the ungodly counsel of this offspring of Babylon that he was unequally yoked up with in a carnal friendship. … Now let me just pause right here to remind you that your friends should be from your own local Church. You have NO BUSINESS hanging with the worldly swimming crowd who will lead you to drown in their iniquities and perversions….

    Well that young boy caught a glimpse of girl in an immodest swim suit which was probably designed by Victoria’s Secret Shame. Well, just like King David of old, he wasn’t where he ought to have been, and Satan lured him with the Siren Song of lust.

    He tried to get that image out of his mind, but no! He decided to go for a swim instead of partaking of the Living Water, and now he was floundering in lust and evil concupiscience.

    He ran home, and tried desperately to get that wicked image of the young female figure out of his mind, so he set about just doing busy work. He found his Archery set in his closet, took out an arrow, and set about polishing his shaft. He polished with all his might… Faster… Faster … Groaning with the sheer passion of trying to erase that memory, and to this day, you’ll never see him in a Church Service. The memory of that sinful swim caused him to turn his back on God while he sits alone in an insane asylum, endlessly polishing his shaft. True Story.. Let’s pray…

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