Steps To Preparing A Fundamentalist Sermon For Human Consumption:
1. Find a sermon from an average fundamentalist pastor on any given Sunday. You may wish to wear gloves as an untreated sermon may be toxic to the touch. When dealing with certain sermon varieties (especially those native to the Southern regions) earplugs should also be worn to prevent internal damage.
2. Remove corny jokes at the top. Should not be difficult, jokes are so old they will easily fall to dust and blow away when touched.
3. Peel off proof texts being careful to strip off attached eisegesis as well. This should not take long since very little of the text is normally present.
4. With a sharp knife cut out any illustration that glorifies the pastor more than it glorifies Christ. Sermon should now be very small and easily handled.
5. Soak remainder in the alcohol of your choice until political opinions, guilt trips, and random comments are all dissolved. Have a drink and contemplate what a waste of good alcohol this step is.
6. No further preparation is necessary. Once all the above steps have been done nothing will remain.
Posted by Darrell