216 thoughts on “Friday Challenge: Caption Schaap”

  2. First off…let me say that this sofa will be replaced by one with a pull-out bed by the end of the week for the “convenience” of ministering to your younger sister.

  8. Young lady, you’ll make this young man very happy in marriage if you learn how to polish the shaft.

  9. “If you are interested in working under me I have an office adjacent to mine and I think you will fit right in. No, I’m not talking to you son.”

  11. “Before you get married, I will need to counsel you. This will involve some private, one-on-one sessions.”

  13. I wonder what these poor kids are actually experiencing now? Was Jack their spiritual hero? I pity all those who have been conned by this pulpiteer.

    8. are you telling us to get a life because we are posting on here? or are you telling us to get a life because you don’t think that we should speak negatively about what has gone on? if you are saying it because we shouldn’t be posting on here then you are a hypocrite. if we should not speak negatively about what is going on, are you condoning it? basically, please be more specific about your reason for telling us to get a life.

  20. Now is the time in your marriage counseling where we discuss the Lord’s table…

  21. “Now I know you already practice the Biblical Doctrine of Tithing with your money because I double-checked before we met today, but today we are going to discuss exciting ways that you can give a tithe of your wife to the man of God.”

    1. Can I recommend that our next meeting is at a nice secluded Cook County Forrest Preserve? By the way, Thaddeus, you can stay home, this is between me and your future bride.

      1. *clarification: “she” is not referring to the girl pictered here. These kids are merely in the wrong place with the wrong person

    2. No. A bit much is what Schaap did to an innocent girl. That was “a bit much” this is lighthearted compared to what he did.

      1. It’s Friday, been a long week, and I guess I’m just tired of the whole mess. I’m not defending Schaap in any way, but I feel some of these comments cross a line. We’re justified in holding Schaap accountable for his actions, but using perverted comments seems to lower us to his level.

        1. I like having fun as much as the next person, but I do have to agree on this one.

          Have at it, the rest of you – enjoy. 😐

        2. Am I Schaaped out? Absolutely. But I am still dealing with the scars (minor compared to others) that fellow Hyles-ites like him inflicted on me.

          Everytime I sat in a church service and heard how unworthy I was because I was not as spiritual as the pastor, that my prayers would NEVER be answered because I didn’t read my Bible enough or attend as many services as I should or didn’t tithe like I should, or didn’t work as hard as the pastor did etc. etc. etc. At what point did someone tell that egotistical pastor that maybe he should be more humble. Or how come he didn’t realize himself that he was a rude, mean, insensitive jerk. All in the name of Christ?!!? Sorry.
          And no we are not lowering ourselves to his level. Lowering ourselves to his level would involve having sex with underage girls. We are just using words on the internet to have a laugh as a way to deal with the abuses the IFB has inflicted on our lives.

        3. I get that. It’s why I visit this site daily like most of you, although I don’t comment nearly as much. I personally fail to see how today’s comments help with that, that’s all. It’s also why I encouraged the rest of you to “have at it.” 😐

        4. I agree with you on this, fundy pastor. In fact, it’s because I’m so thoroughly disgusted at what Schaap did that I don’t find making fun of it at all enjoyable (even if it’s Schaap that is being made fun of). Maybe its just a matter of having a different sense of humor, but I’m not going to feel bad for not laughing at the comments/captions.

        5. I find the picture itself extremely funny, in the context of who Schaap is. Getting to make up dialogue or captions for the photo is just icing on the cake.

          If you don’t see irony or humor in the contrast between all the man’s self-righteous screaming and his tyranny over his flock on one hand, and his private actions on the other hand, then there’s no problem. Just don’t laugh. I do understand that people were hurt, but the Hyles/Schaap cult has been hurting people for half a century now, and it’s good to finally see it being exposed to some light and air.

          In the Gospels, hypocrites were the one group that consistently made Jesus absolutely furious. He consistently used his harshest words to condemn hypocrites. And something tells me Jesus is giving Jack Schaap a giant Bronx cheer right now.

        6. I missed this whole thread yesterday, and it is a good thing because I had a pretty rough day yesterday. I am glad I saw it this morning though, because, even though it is a little obscene in places, I don’t see it as harmful. The harm had already been done to me years ago. If that makes me bitter, or somehow bad, I am just a product of that system. The comment I was going to make was that she looked a little old for him. But someone else beat me to it. That is what *I* get for having a life outside of SFL. I will have to work on that.

  26. “Son, I’m going to take this one out for a test drive, kick the tires and slap her around a bit.”

    1. When my wife and I underwent the horror of fundie marital counseling, we were asked this very question! (The mog ended up falsely accusing us of having sex and that ended up being the impetus for us to finally break free of the IFB cult.)

    2. are you being safe? Do you understand what I am saying here? As you know this is the most common question I ask.

  30. (Out of the context of this thread, I would just like to say that you are all dirty, dirty people… yet somehow I’m over here laughing my head off, so I guess that makes me dirty too!

    I was going to post a caption myself, by the way, but it was… really, really bad. If I’m feeling particularly uncharitable later I might post it, though.)

    2. Me too. I am schaaped out. BUt I am laughing so hard and it is making my day. Now come on and share Annie Moose.

    1. That has been my theory as to one reason why these Fundy preachers demand women and girls wear skirts: easier access!

  32. “Young man, I need your betrothed to meet with me 1 on 1 for individual counseling over the next year before you are married so that I may counsel her to be godly wife for you”

  33. “Are you being safe?”

    (I believe in his last message Schaap said that is what he asks young people.)

    2. “Are you being secret?”

      *LOTR. Gandalf to Frodo @ one ring: “Is it secret? Is it safe?”

  40. How about some from the point of view of the young people?

    Just smile. Keep smiling. Nod. He’s got to stop sometime.

    1. “If we can make it through this endless pre-marriage counselling meeting, marriage will be a piece of cake in comparison.”

  43. You seem like a nice young man. But I don’t see her name on my list, so I can’t give you my blessing.

    NEXT!

  44. “You date him? Have you kissed him? Ya’ sleeping with him? Multiple times?”

    “Who ya sleeping with?”

    “Is she good in bed? How many times have you slept with her? Are you uncomfortable?”

    “In Baptist Church, in Hammond, Indiana, are you practicing safe sex?”

    “Who wrote the book on sexuality, folks?”

    “I want be the most intimate of intimates with you.”

    (All direct quotes from Schaap’s grand finale sermon, which, inexplicably, was NOT the reason he was fired.)

  45. By the way, anybody know if that photo was taken on the HAC campus?
    If so, is the whole place decorated like a cut-rate funeral parlor, or just that room?

    1. Judging from that wooden door, I am pretty sure that is the president’s office at Hyles Anderson, but I could be wrong.

    2. The whole thing doesn’t look like a funeral parlor, it just depends on where on the campus you are. From the decor, it looks like the building was built/ added on to in 3-4 bursts and nobody ever bothered to redecorate when a new section was added.

  47. Reality: Schaap drones on and on and on while the two kids sit there with their eyes glazed over in their best “giving attention to the preacher” pose which has been honed over years of three-to-thrive church attendance. Schaap: “Purity, morality, bride of Christ, blah, blah, bs, crap, baloney, head of the home, submissive wife, modesty, lots of children, blah, blah, bs, crap, baloney, church attendance, tithing, giving, serving, blah, blah, bs, crap, baloney.”

    Inside the Guy’s Head: “God he is so boring. Although that stuff about being the head of the home sounds kinda cool. Dang, I bet she won’t want to make out with me tonight like we usually do. She always gets that way after a session with Bro. Schaap. Oh well, my parents will stop giving me money if I don’t act like I respect this jerk. Better play along for now.”

    Inside the Girl’s Head: “God he is so boring. And he, like, isn’t hot at all. I don’t know what that skank in the youth group was thinking when she told me the other day that she has a crush on Bro. Schaap!! OMG!! I really just want to go make out with my fiancee, but after this, he’ll probably think I am a harlot, so I guess I’d better say no. Man, I can’t wait to get married. I know his parents have lots of money and are going to buy us a house if we stay in their church but OMG, like, I don’t know if I can put up with a lifetime of this!!!”

    Inside Schaap’s Head: “Wow, I bet I will get some good sermon illustrations out of this. Plus a new tithing family who will have lots of kids and make me even more money. And oooh, that girl is sooo hot, oh oh oh ohhhhh!!! Maybe I should offer her a position on my staff and offer her fella a house down the street! Oooh oooh, I better fold my hands in my lap so they can’t see any stirrings in my preacher-loins. Oooh oooh oooh! Better text one of those girls some more pics and see about meeting her for lunch. Giggity giggity!”

  48. “Young lady, we’re going to have our own Missions Conference right here in this room. Have you heard of the missionary position?”

  50. “I believe that we should go ahead and schedule some individual sessions, this is totally normal.”

    “And not at all creepy”

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