Fun and Games

Friday Challenge: Pick Me A Winner

118 Comments

In an attempt to sound fun and playful, Bob Jones University has launched a promotions project which will reveal a new mascot tomorrow night. In the spirit of the sort of helpfulness and charity for which SFL is famous, I propose that we use today’s Friday challenge to provide not only BJU but other fundy schools, churches, and institutions with suggestions on appropriate mascots.

Happy Hunger Mascot Games!

118 thoughts on “Friday Challenge: Pick Me A Winner”

  2. The silverfish. It eats books, and can therefore do their censorship for them. It also looks icky. Perfect for a fundy school.

  6. Can’t go wrong with the “Giant Asshole” costume. (Can I say “Giant Asshole”? If that’s too much, just let me know, and I’ll stop saying “Giant Asshole”.)

    1. The only problem with that Mo is that there are not enough “Giant Asshole” costumes for all the “Giant Assholes” at Fundy U. Everyone will be fighting over who gets to be the mascot.

    2. No, Reader Mo, you can’t say “Giant Asshole,” and you must stop saying “Giant Asshole” from this moment onward. Also, I’m pretty sure that no replies to your post can say “Giant Asshole” either, and “Giant Asshole” shouldn’t be repeated anywhere else in the comments.

      1. I think you are supposed to say it like this: G!@n+ @$$#0|3. That way if anyone has a problem with it you can blame it on George (or Tequila)

        Oh, and our mascott in High School was the Minutemen. We got made fun of a lot by the kids from the other schools at football games and stuff. I didn’t know why until I was older.

  7. I heard one of their own submissions was “Swamp Rat.” That gets my vote for truth in advertising.

  11. The “Hear No Evil, See No Evil, Speak No Evil” monkeys might work for some of them, at least the one with his hands over his ears, refusing to listen to reason. (Again, I refer to at least TWO fundies who accused my husband of being unbiblical and when my husband offered to show them from Scripture why we are making the choices we are, they REFUSED to look at the Bible!)

    Or maybe the ostrich with his head stuck in the sand.

    2. My husband and I went to the Shinto shrine where the original Wise Monkeys are. They’re on a pretty small, easily overlooked stable (which at one time held a monkey or two as well as a horse or two) across from a huge, ornate main shrine. Anywho, since the monkeys have “pagan” origin, I doubt they’d be any more welcome than the Easter Bunny or Christmas Tree.

  13. The BJU Legalists. Then they can call the guys teams the “Jots” and the ladies teams the “Tittles”. Since, of course, they will be unaware of the similar sounding slang word that references a certain anatomical feature of the female gender, they will have no idea why the fans from other teams laugh hysterically every time the BJU fans yell, “Go Tittles!”

    1. At my high school, we were known as the Titans… made life interesting when we started to cheer out the name – one – letter – at – a – time…

  14. A pair of binoculars – since they spend all their free time watching for Jesus to appear.

    Cartoom figure of Fred Phelps daughter – the epitome of fundy hate.

    Ostritch – they bury their heads in the sand

    Chicken Little – the sky is falling gloom and doom

    Balaam’s Ass – its what they listen too ( it’s KJV )!

    1. The binoculars not only refer to them looking for Jesus to appear, but also refer to way they look into the lives of others and judge. Reminds me of Mrs. Kravitz on Bewitched. A microscope might also appropriate or even a judge with gown, wig and gavel(although the wig and gown might be considered pro homosexual).

      1. Pro gay for the guys that is;) “Man shall wear that which pertaineth to a woman.”

  15. when i saw the pic, i thought ‘Why does that kkk member have ‘flair’ on his hood?’

    1. Other than that, though, the idea of a human ice cream cone is kind of cool, although there is a certain cannibalistic vibe there.

      The fact that the man in the KKK hood is (I think) a black guy lends another complication to the whole image, but it suggests slogans like “a woman being a Fundy is like a black person joining the KKK” …

    1. Of all the names I’ve read so far, the BJU Better-Than-Yous is the most perfect. Nicely done. 🙂

    1. It would take two people to make that mascot, but it seems perfect for BJU, so I say go for it!

  18. I’m going with a band name instead of Public Enemy, Public Nuisance. You can easily replace Flavor Flavs clock with a sandwich board about the end times or denouncing sinners. Lots of tracts, a bullhorn and followers to go fanning out door to door.

  19. What the heck does an intramural sports-only school need a mascot for anyway???

    1. You haven’t heard??? Get with it! This is the last prophecy that must be fulfilled before the Lord comes in his glory to rapture away his church before the tribulation begins. 😡

    2. They’re going for intercollegiate sports soon. Going to let their students mix with those less fundy fundies, or maybe even those (gasp!) heathen SBC students!

      (Not any of the state or private colleges that aren’t religious or of a different faith, though. That would mean actually having (gasp!) sinners on campus.) 👿

      1. More likely, they can’t compete against state schools. Of any grade level 😉

  20. I think they should be the BJU Remnants (although being a Methodist school they probably wouldn’t go with the obvious John the Baptist costume for the mascot) tagline “we’re the only ones that’s left”

      1. the fundies I grew up around wouldn’t send kids to BJU because they were “not Baptist” – so I kinda was able to comment on this post and the out fundying the fundies post at the same time.

        1. If I remember right, it was always nondenominational. Sr. and Jr. were Methodists, but they left the church after it showed signs of reasonableness and genuine charity and other sins like that. But they started it off as a nondenom school so that people of all stripes could give them money.

  21. 1. The Whited Sepulchres.

    2. The Exalted Cyclopes.

    3. The Grand Wizards.

    FWIW: The LAST time they had a school mascot for their football team, they were the Swamp Angels.

  24. 1. The Fightin’ Fundamentalists.
    2. The Unicorns (Numbers 23:22).
    3. The Dispensationalists.
    4. The Eisegetes.
    5. The Patch the Pirates.

  26. The ‘Bob’ble Heads….since that’s what everybody there does anyway. Just nod and agree and all will be well with your soul.

  28. I suggest The Fighting Horny Toads for three reasons.

    1. Fundies are always fighting and a lot of them are sexually frustrated.
    2. Anyone who dated at Fundy U will immediately understand about the Toads.
    3. They will be able to sell lots of T-shirts and hats to people with a juvenile sense of humor.

    A T-shirt with a picture of a Horny Toad holding a basketball. The caption reads “Horny Toads always score”.
    Instant profit.

  31. How about the BJU Chemtrailer (or chemtrailette if a girl mascot) or the BJU Mr. World Government Man? Like most of you, I left fundamentalism because of chemtrails and world government. Anyone who believes in such outlandish, foolish conspiracies as a “world government” is a reckless moron whom I would be embarrassed to be associated with.

    1. LOL. We were looking at a fundy website the other day that made the point that they were NOT associated with the World Council of Churches. Whew. I’ve been out of Fundy churches for years and the only time I’ve ever heard of The World Council of Churches was in Fundyville.

      1. I couldn’t agree more. The United Nations has about as much politcal clout and potency as my grandma’s bridge club which has about 3 ladies who show up every couple of weeks to the retirement home. I don’t think anyone has ever heard of the council of foreign relations except fundies. First, there probably is no such organization to begin with. Secondly, on the outside chance there really is such an organization, I once again say it’s no more powerful than Grandma’s bridge club. Fundies are about as clueless and paranoid as you can get when it comes to political knowledge or a grasp on reality.

  33. For our HAC-following church, BJU was too liberal, so I can’t suggest a mascot.

    But for HAC, how about a miniature statue of JH that they can bow down and worship?

    1. Miniature? How DARE you? You slacker! How can you POSSIBLY miniaturize such greatness? It must be LIFE SIZED or bigger! And formed out of pure GOLD Only the BEST for our golden calf. Everyone may donate any jewelery you might be wearing upon exiting the auditorium. You shouldn’t be adorning yourselves anyway. Everyone knows that.

      1. If I remember right he wasn’t very tall, so they will have to make the statue at least 6’6″. Can’t let the truth get in the way.

  35. The BJU Wrath of God

    Represented by a old man in a white rob carrying a lightning bolt and striking spectators during the game.

  36. Some potential names:

    Timmy the Tither
    Sammy the Soulwinner
    Pauly the Prayer Warrior
    Franky the Faithful (ETTDAO)
    Vinny the Verse Memorizer

    1. And it’s fitting that all your names are male. Everything in the IFB is male. Unless they want to talk sin then they may label it with women’s names.

      Gloria the Gossip.
      Barbara the Backslider.
      Patty the Pants wearer.
      Robin the Rebellious.
      Irma the Immodest.

      The list can go on and on. 👿

  37. Alcaeorrhynchus grandis
    common name: a predatory stink bug

    It’s predatory nature places it in the running as an IFB mascot.

  39. Physalia physalis
    the Portuguese man-of-war
    from Wikipedia:

    Despite its outward appearance, the man o’ war is not a jellyfish but a siphonophore, which differs from jellyfish in that it is not actually a single creature, but a colonial organism made up of many minute individuals called zooids.[2] Each of these zooids is highly specialized, and, although structurally similar to other solitary animals, they are attached to one another and physiologically integrated to the extent that they are incapable of independent survival.

    Sounds like the IFB to me. 😉

    1. Wow, Don!! How on earth did you find such a thing? And, yes, very appropriate.

  40. All fundie school mascots must be a carnivorous animal, a warrior/soldier or a patriotic symbol.

    For BJU, could they just hire Patch the Pirate?

  41. A big pair of puckering lips – waiting for the chance to kiss the mannogid’s ample @ss.

  42. A big pair of puckering lips – waiting for the chance to kiss the mannogid’s ample @ss. WCBC

  45. Here is the real test who can tell me the original BJU mascot before they ended there sports program way back in the day.

      1. You win a “Do Right until the Stars” fall copy of Sr.’s sermon on Tape! Are you happy?

  47. How about the Fighting Fish? Apart from the obvious reference to the fish being a symbol for Jesus, there’s the fact that fundies tend to carp about damned near everything. :mrgreen:

  48. Let’s see–one college’s team is called the Griffins, so what about . . . the Garlocks?

    Or . . . the Paisleys?

    1. you mean in a Chik-Fil-A uniform, doncha? 😉 Mcdonalds ia little too secular for that crowd.

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