Yes there is. You’ll be on the front line when the Zombie Apocalypse™ begins. You’ll have to warn the rest of us. And of course you’ll be the first to be eaten and for that, we thank you for your eventual sacrifice.
Generalizations are hillarious and this certainly captures the IFB church I grew up in, but doesn’t quite capture the SBC church I now currently minister in.
B – Bible kawledge edumacated
A – Abusive authority of the Pastor
P – Predatory
T – Tithe demanding
I – Insincere
S – Sychophant
T – Teatotaling glutton
B – Bullys
A – Always looking for the Rapture™
P – Pre-occupied with sex
T – Thigh covering
I – Inability to consider anyone elses viewpoint
S – Stuck in the 1950s
T – Theologically stunted
I don’t think they were in the Garden of Eden at the beginning…. as I’m sure they would have made Eve put on a Jean Jumper. I’m speculating of course. I could be wrong.
doofle makes a good point. Baptists are not all bad. Baptists in this country (the UK) are peacable, tentative and pleasant, and have a history stretching back to the non-conformists. Don’t tar all Baptists with the same brush, or you are sinking to the usual IFB level of generalising about “people who aren’t us.”
It would be less efficient to make an acrostic of: post sixties american independent fundamental king james only bible believing old time religion missionary minded baptism by immersion all the founding fathers were born again republican conservative baptist. Besides, on this blog, i think everybody gets it that Baptist means all of the above.
After hearing that “gem” of a sermon someone posted last night about “pissing” against a wall (how gross) this just made me ROTFL! I’ve never heard anything so disgusting in all my years in the IFB. That guy really takes the cake!
I have a tape from first baptist I think it was Elaine Colston’s “The ABC’s of Femininity” and this made me think of that. I get such a sour taste in my mouth remembering this stuff…
And the real tragedy THERE is, the mess that her family became, the scandalous nature of the behavior of everyone involved, the repercussions still going on from it to this day, decades later… How did any of us ever buy into the idea that worship of a man, covering up of transgression, lies upon lies, could ever have a GOOD outcome???
LOL!!! I don’t know about you, but MY happiness meter is FULL when I’m bare-foot and pregnant with my ninth child while standing over a sinkful of dishes. My heart can’t contain the happiness I feel as I dutifully scrub Tater-Tot Casserole off of 34 dishes due to the missionaries visiting. All while my Husband entertains the masses playing Dutch Blitz in the living room. J.O.Y.
Yes Dear! I’ll have your laundry done a little late tonight.(sorry) The women’s missionary society is meeting at my house this afternoon. We are finishing our crafted doilies for the orphans in Africa. (Won’t they be surprised?!)
Sara, you just nailed it to the wall. That was my house the only thing to add both parents totally ignored us because we were just worthless, (which they told me often) kids not yet knowledgable in all things IFB. The church was their family we were just in the way, Church Sunday morn, Sunday night, Tuesday night Deacons meeting, Wednesday night Awana, Thursday Chior, Friday and Saturday cleaning the church for Sunday. Yes they were busy it made them the holiest of all. Past the anger just jaded now…I love God but put my family before church and for that im still wrong. Im sooo glad im out of there and not dragging my kids through that mudd (my kids whom my parents dont have time for of course because of their duties in their church) their loss I guess…whatever! I wanna be passed this but reading this actually drags me back at times. Reminds me tho to treat me kids with love and respect…something I totally missed growing up
@wheels I am so sorry your parents ignored you. You deserved better. I’m so proud of you as you have broken that cycle of neglect/abuse in your family.
Charles Finney? Abolitionist Charles Finney? Encourage women to speak up in church Charles Finney? Educate women and blacks along with men Charles Finney? President of Oberlin (progressive, co-ed dorms, co-ed bathrooms)College, Charles Finney? Do they even know anything about their hero? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Grandison_Finney
I SO HATE that song… how many hours of my life did I waste singing verse after verse and then sometimes back to verse 1 again if “the lord was still moving hearts”…. I don’t attend anywhere so I rarely hear it anymore… but 1 second of that tune is enough to make me hyperventilate!
You’d think I was joking about 44 verses, but, sadly, no. One church my husband and I attended had a visiting preacher come in during the pastor’s illness. They guy preached this lame rant, then came The Song. Sang all the verses, had the song leader sing them. Had the piano play them. Then wanted everyone to sing them again. I left at verse 24 (I had worked 3rd shift at the county jail that morning, so I was running out of humor for this guy). Others who stayed said it was at least 40 verses. He was not invited back.
Okay, I wondered if I could do one and then I just started imagining what I see when I look around the sanctuary on any given Sunday morning and here is what came up:
Bored
Angry
Prudish
Trader
Indolent
Sexist and or alternately sexless
Tired very tired…sleeping actually… just sayin!
O.K., let’s try this using my favorite term for IFB preachers: BABDIST
B – Bloated in body as well as ego
A – Asinine in theological opinion
B – Bible-twisting bullshit artists
D – Dictatorial, deceiving, damned forever (the fate of all false teachers)
I – Intolerant, incorrigible
S – Slaves to un-biblical traditions (e.g., altar calls), Second Peter Chapter Two men
T – Thieves against God and man
Bangin’ on your door way too early Saturday morning
Actin’ like they’re better than gid
Pissin’ against the wall
Torchin’ non-KJV bibles
Itchin’ to empty your wallet & mind
Swallowin’ camels whole
Tithin’ on the mint & rue
As a currently recovering fundie, I LOVE THIS! So true – and everyone else’s versions, great! I’m 50 and finally have been able to see real truth – I was buried way deep in fundie guilt about sending my abusive father to hell if I ‘told’.
Blessed
Assurance
Preacher is mine
Tasty church pot-lucks
I’m getting in line
Swearing by KJ
Touched by Jack Hyles
In for the long haul
Close to the aisle (for the alter call, of course)
B – Bully authority
A – Autonomy of the Pastor
P – Priesthood of Hyles
T – Two Objects of worship – KJV & Pastor
I – Individual Submits all Liberty to authority
S – Saved, Baptized and modest church membership
T – Two Officials of the church
Most SFL readers will need no introduction to Steven Anderson’s interesting Bible interpretations, but if anybody wonders what I’m referring to here, watch this:
I don’t think many baptists like Finney. I know one kid who put it on his facebook wall, and then I said “You know Finney believed in sinless perfection, conditional works salvation” and a bunch of other stuff and he replied “no he didn’t”. So I showed him. The next 20 status updates were why Charles Finney is a heretic… oh boy…
Every character in any Christian book or movie must act like a Christian. Even the murdering, raping, and pillaging villains must never be seen to curse or fornicate. […]
Anything can be rationalized if you claim that doing otherwise will cause souls to end up in hell (no matter how illegal, immoral, or downright silly that thing may be). […]
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Latest From Fundy News
First!!!
I guess there is some benefit to working graveyards…
Yes there is. You’ll be on the front line when the Zombie Apocalypse™ begins. You’ll have to warn the rest of us. And of course you’ll be the first to be eaten and for that, we thank you for your eventual sacrifice.
you can see more evidence of life there than in many Churches (not just Fundie ones, either)
I know the feeling, Stack
THIRD!
Generalizations are hillarious and this certainly captures the IFB church I grew up in, but doesn’t quite capture the SBC church I now currently minister in.
Funny none the less!
No Mathis, you’re second, I’m third unless someone else gets in before this posts.
By then I may be fourth, fifth, or sixth, or lucky seventh! 
I totally missed that. In my excitement I lost control. LOL
9th!!!
B-bullshitters
A-abusers
P-pedophiles
T-time wasters
I-ignorant
S-sexual deviants
T-toxic to be around
I like this one!
This is perhaps, sadly, the most apt.
mean and nasty – LIKE!
WHAAAAAAAAAAAMMO!!!!!
WOW, don’t sugar coat it, BigE! Excellent and very to the point.
B – Bible kawledge edumacated
A – Abusive authority of the Pastor
P – Predatory
T – Tithe demanding
I – Insincere
S – Sychophant
T – Teatotaling glutton
Wow, this one rocks, too!
teatotaling glutton! yay!
That’s a good one!
B – bossy
A – anal
P – perfectionists
T – trapped in the past
I – intolerant
S – superior
T – terrified
This one might be the most true.
I just found my favorite.
So true
Okay, I can see that there are lots and lots of AWESOME ones! I have never put a label on myself other than, I am born-again!
B – Bullys
A – Always looking for the Rapture™
P – Pre-occupied with sex
T – Thigh covering
I – Inability to consider anyone elses viewpoint
S – Stuck in the 1950s
T – Theologically stunted
“Thigh-covering” kills me…
B- Big egos
A- Always the final authority
P- Prying into your life
T- Taking everything they can
I- Interfering
S- Self-righteous
T- Tyrants
How bout that?!
The Good
B – Bible believing
A – Apologist
P – Pre-millenial
T – Theologically sound
I – Intercessor
S – Saved
T – Tither
The Bad
B – Boastful
A – Abusive
P – Power-hungry
T – Totalitarian
I – Insolent
S – Scary
T – Tyrannical
Bring
Along
Plenty of
Tracts
It’s
Street-preachin’
Time
Substitute “Soul-winning” for “Street Preaching” and you’ve got a good one!
Well, those two terms are basically interchangeable with Fundies.
Nearly FELL OUT OF MY CHAIR laughing…
My fave so far.
I could actually see a church putting this on a t shirt and fundies wearing it. hahahaha
I really don’t know if I would laugh or cry if that actually happened.
I think a worthy Baptist tradition extends too far back to justify painting it with the excesses of one particular and recent strand. Just sayin’.
Yet so many of us have similar experiences with this recent strand, so we discuss our experiences. Just sayin’, Mr. Passive-Aggressive Doofle.
Its my experience too, but I don’t blame Spurgeon or Bunyon.
er…Bunyan.
Really? You’re gonna use that one? Let me guess, next you’re gonna say that Baptists were the original Christians, right?
Baptists were there, hiding in underground house churches in AD 1 or were Baptists there in hiding in the garden of Eden?
I don’t think they were in the Garden of Eden at the beginning…. as I’m sure they would have made Eve put on a Jean Jumper. I’m speculating of course. I could be wrong.
There would also be powder-pink t-shirt, nylons, and those little white tennis shoes. And a KJV in a floral cover.
Funny! Were they hiding because Adam and Eve were naked and didn’t have high enough standards for them?
Oooh! The KJV Floral Cover is a nice touch. I just hope it’s a style from the 80′s. (That was such a ‘classy’ decade.)
You knocking gigantic shoulder pads on women, Sara???
oh, rockin the shoulder pads, chicks looking like football players….hot
Baptists started with Abraham & Lot: He told Lot to pick one way, and he would go the other way!
LOL!!! Yes!! Finally, the origins of the ‘Seperation Doctrine’ explained!
“Worthy baptist tradition??” don’t make me laugh.
Cue “Trail of Blood” comments:
doofle makes a good point. Baptists are not all bad. Baptists in this country (the UK) are peacable, tentative and pleasant, and have a history stretching back to the non-conformists. Don’t tar all Baptists with the same brush, or you are sinking to the usual IFB level of generalising about “people who aren’t us.”
Don’t tar all Baptists with the same brush, or you are sinking
Tar was actually used to waterproof small boats, thus preventing sinking
I was mixing my ships and trying to save a sinking metaphor.
It would be less efficient to make an acrostic of: post sixties american independent fundamental king james only bible believing old time religion missionary minded baptism by immersion all the founding fathers were born again republican conservative baptist. Besides, on this blog, i think everybody gets it that Baptist means all of the above.
All of them being KJVO is becoming less so, but the rest is just about right.
You lost me at “worthy Baptist tradition.”
Predictable.
Yes, you were, so very.
hahahaha! this just made my morning!!
B – BAM! Qualified!
A – Anderson
P – Pisseth against the wall
T – Trapped
I – In
S – Schaap’s
T – Tyranny
HONOLULU!
On the money!
After hearing that “gem” of a sermon someone posted last night about “pissing” against a wall (how gross) this just made me ROTFL! I’ve never heard anything so disgusting in all my years in the IFB. That guy really takes the cake!
From a IFB Woman’s Perspective. (If allowed by the MOG)
B-Bowed head in the midst of the MOG.
A-Ankle length skirts and coulottes (Made from recyled curtains are best. Waste not, Want not)
P-Prepared casseroles in freezer just in case a missionary stops in for dinner.
T-Two roles only: Help-Meet and Homemaker
I-Ignorant of any Self-Awareness, Needs or Wants (Jesus Others and You!- What a wonderful way to spell J.O.Y.!)
S-SUBMISSIVE!
T-Totally Ignorant of anything worldly… like that filthy Better Homes and Gardens Magazine!!! Posh!
And happiness? Why, happiness is stumbled upon along the pathway of DUTY!
You HAD to have heard Jack Hyles preach ,at some time or other. You have him nailed!
I have a tape from first baptist I think it was Elaine Colston’s “The ABC’s of Femininity” and this made me think of that. I get such a sour taste in my mouth remembering this stuff…
And the real tragedy THERE is, the mess that her family became, the scandalous nature of the behavior of everyone involved, the repercussions still going on from it to this day, decades later… How did any of us ever buy into the idea that worship of a man, covering up of transgression, lies upon lies, could ever have a GOOD outcome???
That sounds like Bob Jones Sr and III, actually.
LOL!!! I don’t know about you, but MY happiness meter is FULL when I’m bare-foot and pregnant with my ninth child while standing over a sinkful of dishes. My heart can’t contain the happiness I feel as I dutifully scrub Tater-Tot Casserole off of 34 dishes due to the missionaries visiting. All while my Husband entertains the masses playing Dutch Blitz in the living room. J.O.Y.
Mom?
@Darrell LOL!!
Yes Dear! I’ll have your laundry done a little late tonight.(sorry) The women’s missionary society is meeting at my house this afternoon. We are finishing our crafted doilies for the orphans in Africa. (Won’t they be surprised?!)
Sara, you just nailed it to the wall. That was my house the only thing to add both parents totally ignored us because we were just worthless, (which they told me often) kids not yet knowledgable in all things IFB. The church was their family we were just in the way, Church Sunday morn, Sunday night, Tuesday night Deacons meeting, Wednesday night Awana, Thursday Chior, Friday and Saturday cleaning the church for Sunday. Yes they were busy it made them the holiest of all. Past the anger just jaded now…I love God but put my family before church and for that im still wrong. Im sooo glad im out of there and not dragging my kids through that mudd (my kids whom my parents dont have time for of course because of their duties in their church) their loss I guess…whatever! I wanna be passed this but reading this actually drags me back at times. Reminds me tho to treat me kids with love and respect…something I totally missed growing up
Ugh, so sorry, wheels!
Epic LOL @ Both Sara & Darrell.
@wheels I am so sorry your parents ignored you. You deserved better. I’m so proud of you as you have broken that cycle of neglect/abuse in your family.
Bottom feeding
Ass kissing
Porn watching
Titty obsessed
Insecure with size of privates
Soul stealing
Tyrants
Awesome
FTW!
you went to my church, I notice…
That’s my church too!
Bartender hatin’
Alcohol hidin’
Papist bashin’
Tolerance lackin’
Ignorance totin’
Sacrament monopolizin’
Triggerfinger lovin’
Bring
Another
Pint of
Tequila;
I’m
Still
Thirsty.
(Not unique to Baptists, but it fit so well I couldn’t resist.)
I think mine was just one-upped.
And again below. . .
Build
A
Palace
To
Immortalize an
Ignorant,
Self-aggrandizing
Tyrant
BAM!
Whoops, I just noticed I have two “I” words in there. I guess I got carried away.
How about:
Build
A
Palatial
Temple for an
Ignorant,
Self-aggrandizing
Tyrant.
?
No, two I’s have it.
Wow, Big Gary, it sounds like you might have met my mannogid!
Charles Finney?
Abolitionist Charles Finney? 
Encourage women to speak up in church Charles Finney? 
Educate women and blacks along with men Charles Finney? 
President of Oberlin (progressive, co-ed dorms, co-ed bathrooms)College, Charles Finney? 
Do they even know anything about their hero? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Grandison_Finney 
He was the one who made altar calls/invitation popular. Without him, no one would be singing 44 verses of “Just As I Am.”
I SO HATE that song… how many hours of my life did I waste singing verse after verse and then sometimes back to verse 1 again if “the lord was still moving hearts”…. I don’t attend anywhere so I rarely hear it anymore… but 1 second of that tune is enough to make me hyperventilate!
You’d think I was joking about 44 verses, but, sadly, no. One church my husband and I attended had a visiting preacher come in during the pastor’s illness. They guy preached this lame rant, then came The Song. Sang all the verses, had the song leader sing them. Had the piano play them. Then wanted everyone to sing them again. I left at verse 24 (I had worked 3rd shift at the county jail that morning, so I was running out of humor for this guy). Others who stayed said it was at least 40 verses. He was not invited back.
No.
I guess they never heard of the old Buckeye expression “The Peoples Republic of Oberlin”…
Big
Angry
Pricks
Taking
In
Souls to
Destroy
maybe if you change destroy to trash or trample on
LOL. I am going to blame these on the fact that I was sick yesterday, and therefore cannot be responsible for anything that I posted on the internet.
Big
Ass
Pastors
Taking
Inferior
Stances on
Doctrine
@Kevin – Those would be great…if we were talking about BAPTISD folk.
just change doctrine to theology
These apply particularly to the ultra-fundy MOG:
Bloviating
Arrogant
Prideful
Tyrannical
Insular
Sex-obsessed (especially other people’s)
Toxic
+10 for the word ‘Bloviating’
Okay, I wondered if I could do one and then I just started imagining what I see when I look around the sanctuary on any given Sunday morning and here is what came up:
Bored
Angry
Prudish
Trader
Indolent
Sexist and or alternately sexless
Tired very tired…sleeping actually… just sayin!
Braggart
Assuming
Pompous
Tone.
I
Say
TERMINATE him.
Bluster
Audacity
Pretension
Turpitude
Iniquity
Salaciousness
Transgressor
Very nice ones!
You are too kind!
No fair breaking out the dictionary AND the thesaurus.
Now, now, boymom, play nice! Only Roget’s, promise!
It impressed me!!!
O.K., let’s try this using my favorite term for IFB preachers: BABDIST
B – Bloated in body as well as ego
A – Asinine in theological opinion
B – Bible-twisting bullshit artists
D – Dictatorial, deceiving, damned forever (the fate of all false teachers)
I – Intolerant, incorrigible
S – Slaves to un-biblical traditions (e.g., altar calls), Second Peter Chapter Two men
T – Thieves against God and man
You had me at “Babdist.” Love it.
Bangin’ on your door way too early Saturday morning
Actin’ like they’re better than gid
Pissin’ against the wall
Torchin’ non-KJV bibles
Itchin’ to empty your wallet & mind
Swallowin’ camels whole
Tithin’ on the mint & rue
“Swallowin’ camels whole
Tithin’ on the mint & rue” –
Very nice use of Scripture!
BAPTIST and BAPTISTIC:
Believers
Allowing
Pedophiles
To
Integrate
Sociopathic
Thinking
and
Believers
Allowing
Pedophiles
To
Integrate
Sociopathic
Thinking
Into
Churches
Hmmm, perhaps
Impose
Sociopathic
Thinking
As a currently recovering fundie, I LOVE THIS! So true – and everyone else’s versions, great! I’m 50 and finally have been able to see real truth – I was buried way deep in fundie guilt about sending my abusive father to hell if I ‘told’.
Blessed
Assurance
Preacher is mine
Tasty church pot-lucks
I’m getting in line
Swearing by KJ
Touched by Jack Hyles
In for the long haul
Close to the aisle (for the alter call, of course)
^ F.T.W.
You are a genius.
tee-totally gobsmacked! AWESOME!!!
Setting it to song wins the comments.
Brilliant.
Bazinga! And that song will be stuck in my head for the rest of the day. Off to purge it with Metallica.
Total AWESOMENESS!!
^Love this!
10!
i had 13 years of fundamentalist education to home my poetic acronymy
*hone, and i think i’ve earned a pass on my spelling error
You have indeed!
It’s okay-it was George’s fault anyway!
This is BRILLIANT even without the last two lines! Sing it loud!!!
Boasting
About
Personal
Triumphs
Including
Stories from
Their
Soul-winning
And another ka-ching!
B – Bully authority
A – Autonomy of the Pastor
P – Priesthood of Hyles
T – Two Objects of worship – KJV & Pastor
I – Individual Submits all Liberty to authority
S – Saved, Baptized and modest church membership
T – Two Officials of the church
Braggart
Anderson
Pisseth
To
Indicate his
Stinky
Turf.
Eeeew, graphic mental image….
Most SFL readers will need no introduction to Steven Anderson’s interesting Bible interpretations, but if anybody wonders what I’m referring to here, watch this:
Wow! It’s embedded! How’d I do that?
I’m not smart enough to think one up, but these certainly have been fun and similar to my experience!!
You can do it, MKXcomm! I believe in you, give it a try, it’s fun!
I don’t think many baptists like Finney. I know one kid who put it on his facebook wall, and then I said “You know Finney believed in sinless perfection, conditional works salvation” and a bunch of other stuff and he replied “no he didn’t”. So I showed him. The next 20 status updates were why Charles Finney is a heretic… oh boy…
I disagree with Finney being on the list too – at my Fundy U, he was on the black list. That’s because he preached a social gospel.
Blaming
All their
Personal
Troubles and
Inconveniences on
Satan’s
Temptations, instead of
Individual’s
Choices
Blathering
About
Popes and
Trousers,
Instead of
Studying
Theology.
Beatings,
Abuse,
Pedophilia:
They
Ignore
Sin in
Themselves.
Brag
About
Power
Till
It
Sounds
True.
Tardy? What am I missing?
You ever been to a fundy service that started on time?
Bassenco, you go girl!! You are on a roll.
B- Bible believing (NOT)
A- Alter calls (NOT Biblical)
P- Pray the sinners prayer (NOT Biblical)
T- Tithing (NOT Biblical)
I- Intolorant of Modern Versions, (NOT Biblical)
S- Seperated from other believers (NOT Biblical)
T- Totalitarian Dictatorship (NOT Biblical)
Love the overhead projector.
B- behind the times…
ouch.
Incidentally, I feel like I just stumbled across a Fundie shocker:
Fundamentalism sounds super similar to B.P.D. as defined by the National Center for Biotechnology Information, U.S. National Library of Medicine.
That’s right an actual DIAGNOSIS!
More info here: http://t.co/NXu8y0x
B- Boring
A- Amen-ing
P- Pulpit-thumping
T- Tight-fisted
I- Intimidated by the slightest appearance of evil
S- Singing only hymns
T- Thinking they’re superior
B – Bible-denying (ESV, NIV, etc.)
A – Assimilation
P – Poisoning the Well
T – Toxic leader
I – Indoctrination
S – Sacred Science
T – Thought terminating cliche
sooo, this is just hateful propaganda, just saying…
soooo, you don’t get it, just saying….
No, this is parody. IFBx preaching is just hateful propaganda. I never heard of an IFB preacher who could do good parody.