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The Royall wedding (Guest Post!)

106 Comments
Bruthers and Sistrens, Apostrates, and others, 

Its been lade on my hart to preach about the Royall Wedding. Every body all egsited becuse the King of Anglend is got merried amen. Amen the only Royall Wedding I care about is the Marrage Supper of the Lam amen.

I tell you what I watch that mess over there on TV amen and it made me sick. That dress waring queer preecher in a dress never preeched the wedding. I cant beleve any preecher have that many peeople lissening to him and not be preeching out of the KJB aganst sin and rong amen or give any alter call. He must been Calvanst or some such junk amen.

And lissen here its just wrong that a man like that can get merried just becuse hes a king but preecher boys all over this country cant find a wife in these last days amen. Amen Id rather be preeching in an old fashoned indapenant Fundmental Baptist church than be king amen. Amen back in the Revlutonary War the Baptist preechers rose up in this cuntry and preeched revival and run them libral Angelcans back cross the oshean. Amen. Our Founding Fathers was real preechers not like these panty wastes.

Whats rong these days is women are gone libral and dont care to take care of the preecher any more amen. They dont relize that the real man is the one that gets behind the pulpit and brings the KJB to the peeple amen. There priorties are all mess up and the harts are fall into the ditch like Jezbell and other harlots in the bible that sell there bodies for money amen by only merrying men with good jobs and walkin round like to bit hores waring tite pants and driving the boys in church out of there ever lovin minds amen. Preecher boys needing wifes dont need to see that junk amen and cant help that the peeple in the pews dont want to give the preecher dubble honer of their tiths and offrings amen. Amen preechers make sacrifises and amen these girls need to sacrifise little comfort and start marry some preecher boys amen!

Amen I herd that Osame got killed by Obama or maybe it was the other way round I cant keep all these Muslems strate in my head amen. That birth certifcate is fake amen. All these Demcrats want to do is rase taxes amen and give it to peeple on walfare. I hardly got anything back on my erned income credit this yeer amen becuse Obama and Pelosy took it all to by votes amen. Hes just covering his tracks and preparing the way for the One World Govment that is on its way soon amen. Theres wars all over the mid east and earthquakes in Japan and let me ask you are you reddy? Amen I am amen accept that I want to get merried. Pray for this preecher as the days grow dark that I will find a wife before the Rapture amen.

Sincerly,

__________________
Evangelist Rev. Dr. Bro. Phil ARmenik
Moe.D., D.D., D.Min, D.I.P., Th.D., Ph.D., D.Litt, D.Hum., D.Miss. 

King James Only, Pretriblatonal, Premilenniall, Dispensatonal, High Standards, Soul Winning, Hell Fire and Brimestone Preachig, Bus Minstry, No Tunges, Old Paths Landmark INDAPENDANT FUNMENTAL BAPTIST!!

106 thoughts on “The Royall wedding (Guest Post!)”

  2. Wow, Darrell, how do you handle even writing all that? After composing all of that, how do you get it out of your head? That stuff would totally mess with my head for the rest of the day.

    1. I only read it, and it’s totally going to screw with my head all day, too! 😳

    2. I didn’t write it. Bro Armenik is a friend of mind and he graciously allowed me to re-publish some of his thoughts here.

      1. I’ve read his blog before….. And I just can’t believe that it’s not a joke sometimes. It’s so ridiculous!

  4. Darrell, you know that I never pick on ANYTHING you post, right? You know, you love me and I love you and we’re all one big Coca-cola ad from the ’70’s…

    HOWEVER…

    That’s not a pic from William and Kate’s wedding. It appears that it is the wedding of Peter Phillips (the son of the Princess Royal).

    True, still a royal wedding, so I guess I should leave you alone, but I just got up and saw that and instantly was in the mood to pick on you. 😉

    2. See the mouse-over text 😉

      Awesome post although I think my IQ dropped a couple points trying to make it through all the spelling errors. I was just reading a random post on power shifts and Phil Armenik was mentioned. I have now had the opportunity to hear his ‘sermonizing’. 🙂

      1. Like most fundy preachin’ your just have to turn off your brain and go with the flow. I’m sure the Spirit will make up for everything else lol

        1. Boss, is that you?

          Actually, come to think of it, its not that much different than trying to read the original 1611 spelling.

    3. Ah. My bad. I should have done that first, but was trying to find something to pick on Darrell about, and thought I had hit pay dirt.

      Drat. :mrgreen:

      2. Oh, Natalie, don’t feel bad. You start feelin’ bad and next thing you’ll be seeing white pianos and getting bitter.

    4. I knew it wasn’t Prince William/Kate, but I had no clue who it actually was. Am pretty sure that’s the Queen Mum on the left seated, right? The rest of them I wouldn’t have the first clue how you would recognize?

      1. No, that’s Queen Elizabeth and her husband, Prince Phillip. Behind them is Princess Anne (the Princess Royal and the groom’s mother) and her husband, Mark Phillips. Not sure about the group on the right, but I imagine they are part of the bride’s family.

      2. That’s the Queen in the gray dress. The Queen Mum was the Queen’s late mother.

        2. No you’re no moron! Yous a gran ol American an dont need too worrie about the Anglish, Haymen?

    6. You see how true to the IFB world this is?? Most preachers get up and rip something they have no idea about. Like the show “Wife Swap” for example.Had a preacher say it was like one big ” orgy” on TV (yes, he said that in front of the church) and I am scratching my head going …waaaa? They assume they can get up and take a whole sermon to preach on something they know NOTHING about and then hope the sheeple will just follow without question. The fact that the pic is wrong is a perfect example…love it.

      2. He was preaching on the title, not the show. Why find out what the show’s really about when you already have your sermon planned?

        (Not that it’s a good show, but still …)

        1. I still miss Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Was hilarious television, and saying it was a show you watched sent people OUT OF THEIR MINDS in rage! 🙂

        2. Actually..I am sheepishly saying this..but every time I watch Wife Swap I cry.
          Seriously.
          Have you seen it? I get more convicted about my obsessive or stubborn ways after watching it then just about anything else. (=

  5. I like this person’s list of degrees and descriptions at the bottom of the post. Especially ‘no tungs’. 😀

  6. Rev. Doctah Brutha Phil missed out on having a special offering opportunity tied to the royal wedding/bin Laden death. Amen.

  7. “Preech it Brother!”

    Yep, ol Phil’s a Fundie for sure… not one drop of scripture and not one mention of Jesus. But he wah hitting all the power stroke topics for a fundie preacher.

  8. I was hoping this was a post on Kate’s sister and her little too tight but just right dress at the wedding? Amen? :mrgreen:

      1. I read about the furor over the dress before I saw the photos and I assumed that she had showed up in clubwear or something.

        Around the time that white wedding dresses were becoming de rigeur, women were using padding and corseting to try to look the way she does naturally. Thbbbbt to the people who don’t like knowing that some women don’t need help.

        1. I thought it was positively beautiful. It was elegant, tasteful, and the girl’s got curves and the dress showed them off and I say to her, “You go!”.

          But, the way she handled squatting to handle Kate’s dress and whatnot, if it were me, I would have fallen back on my bahooka for everyone of the billion people to see.

          I’m not almost that graceful. 😉

  9. I love his harping on welfare and then mentioning his own earned income credit, which I unabashedly admit we get. I figure once my husband is out of school, we’ll pay it back in a round-about, higher-tax-bracket kind of way.

    And his knocking of the Anglican minister! During the wedding, I was struck by how much more biblically-centered the Anglican/Book of Common Prayer service is than the standard Baptist wedding. It made me want a do-over on my own nuptuals.

    1. Although my frustration with it (despite my understanding of the situation) was the used of the BCP. The one time that modern culture gets to see inside a church, and all they hear are thees and thous. No particularly helpful in moving the church’s image on.

      1. Are you kidding? My Anglican street cred went up a gazillion SFLBux. Now when I get the “What the heck’s an Anglican,” I say, “You know Kate and William? Well, they’re Anglicans, and if you saw the wedding you saw an Anglican service in an Anglican church.”

    2. There’s no shame at all in EITC, and other gov’t subsidy programs. They are designed to keep people out of poverty so that they can get to the point where they are contributing members of society. Anyone who would disparage the use of them is a huge bag of bad ideas.

      1. I had a teacher who tried to send his EITC back! We have friends from Germany who were shocked when we told them many American Christians think gov’t payments of any kind are sinful. I was always taught “the church should take care of the poor,” but I haven’t seen it put into action much.

        1. Baptists may occasionally make lip service to poverty mattering, in actuality, they equate it with moral failing and look down on anyone who would (1) be poor, or (2) admit it. Societies that let people sink into an unstoppable spiral of poverty do flourish. Good for you. Hint: Rich people take more out of gov’t than poor ever will.

  10. That post brought back a lot of bad memories. I have heard lots of stream-of-consciousness “sermons” just like that. Although I must admit it was fun to try to read it phonetically and figure out what the good Rev. Dr. was saying.

  11. Wow. That was HARD to read! Good laughs. Makes me very glad to have never been in one of these uber fundy churches. I took me like over 5 minutes to read, cause I kept getting distracted. My brain just can’t concentrate on that poor grammar and cognitive disfunction for very long! 🙂

    When I hit this sentence:

    Whats rong these days is women are gone libral and dont care to take care of the preecher any more amen.

    I was totally overwhelmed with the sense that it’s impossible to accurately diagram any of this guys work!

    1. That’s a compliment to whoever is running the Rev’d “account”/persona.

  12. Classic. For a better-written though almost-as-ignorant evangelical parallel, see here: http://jamesmacdonald.com/blog/?p=6461. This reminded me why I have trouble calling myself an evangelical – in the sense of identifying with mainstream American evangelicalism – anymore. (I’m assuming, based on his preaching in blue jeans and other indicia on his website that this MacDonald guy is an evangelical, though the post above was the first I’d heard of him, so please correct me if I’m wrong.)

    1. I always “love” it when others comment on another persons spiritual well being. How do they know that they aren’t “saved”?

      When the liturgy (gasp) started, I knew what was going to be said. The United Methodist and Catholic wedding ritual start almost the same way. Talking about Jesus being at the Wedding in Canna.

      1. Thanks, I hadn’t seen that.

        I still don’t get his obsession with the fact that Chartres didn’t get up and deliver the Romans Road during the homily. This is one of the fundamental practical flaws of the fire-in-the-building-with-people-stuck-inside, Titanic-is-sinking-why-are-you-fiddling-with-deck-furniture mindset. Does Mr. MacDonald understand that Jesus drove the money changers out of the temple but made wine at Cana? If Mr. MacDonald had been present at Cana, I’m half-convinced he’d have chided Jesus for turning water into wine – and thereby blessing the wedding – before he inquired whether the bride was a virgin and warning everybody that they’d be burning in hell if they didn’t repent. I mean, there is – and should be – a difference between a wedding and an evangelistic meeting, and Jesus recognized that showing his authority in one context required a very different sign than showing it in another.

        1. THIS RIGHT HERE. Preacher boys everywhere: It is not necessary, or even helpful, to put an altar call into every sermon you preach or every book you write. Truly it isn’t.

      2. He sounds pretty fundy to me. And he’s also woefully ignorant about the liturgy, and the Anglican Church. The pot shot about the “confession” made me laugh. I’ll take my Anglican church over his whatever any time at all.

        Yes, the order of service is very like the Roman Catholic Church – I’m not sure why that order of service is a problem. It is filled with Scripture. Oh, wait, some fundies might not recognize it. I know more than a hand full of RC Christians who are believers who live it better than some non-denoms and Baptists.

        I’m not sure why “It’s not in the Bible,” and “Eek! Tradition!” is so hard for him to get his head around. Every denomination I’ve ever been in or visited has their own form of the liturgy, numerous things that they do that are not in the Bible, and their own form of tradition…” And the Anglicans and Catholics I know who are believers are believers because of the liturgy, not in spite of it. (fade into Tevya singing “Tradition…..”)

        1. Absolutely, Susan. In fact, the BCP, The Catholic liturgy (less so after Vatican II, but nevermind), the Orthodox liturgy and the Lutheran liturgies (such as in the LSB)are all based on the lurgical work of John Chrysostom (349-407 AD). These contain abundant Scripture, spoken, chanted or sung. The liturgy focuses on God and Scripture, not on the ravings/pseudo-intellecrual prattlings of some half-educated narcisstic preacher boy…

  13. BTW, with Evangelist Rev. Dr. Bro. Phil ARmenik being so obsessed with berating women into marrying him, I can’t help but think maybe he should consider spilling some seed to help ease the obsession! 🙂

    1. Only tangentially related:
      The writer Dorothy Parker was asked why she named her parakeet Onan.
      “Because he spills his seed on the ground.”

    2. There will be no corporal punishment of the primates around here. Also strangulating the Gallus gallus domesticus will not be tolerated.

      2. Don – I know that you had this in mind. The Archbishop of Canterbury also has the title of Senior Primate of the Church of England.

        2. I’m assuming you aren’t saying what that reads like, but I don’t know what you are trying to say…

        3. No, it means that the leadership for our branch of Anglican are Rwandan Anglicans. http://www.theamia.org/

          Our bishops from over there, and overseers are some of the most grace-filled people I have ever met in my life.

        5. It is amazing the twists and turns these posts take. We go from spanking the monkey to the head of a denomination in a mere two replys and… oh… ok, in a warped, weird and strange way I see the fundie in that. 😯 I just don’t see Anglican primates running around singing Madonna’s “Hanky-Panky.” (I can see that as a Mel Brooks production… hmmmmmm.) 😉

        6. Huh! I’d never heard primate mean anything but monkey, and *really* didn’t think there was any chance you were saying Rwandan’s were monkeys. I’ll have to try to remember that alternate use. I was wondering how Rwanda had anything to do with chicken choking or monkey spanking that Don was fancying up. 🙂

  14. Wow! Before that message, I have to admit I was rather repulsed by preecher boys, but now I see that I have gone libral and want to repent of my harlot-ing ways. I DEFINITELY want to marry someone now who calls women harlots, is obviously driven to a lustful frenzy by tite pants, and has those mad spelling skillz. SIGN ME UP!!! 🙄 😆

  15. Brutha Phil I got so excited I picked up my own houseplants and started running around the house! Haymeeen That message needs to be preeeched!

    3. Another great nae for a band….”Redneck Scrabble”

      ….maybe country rock?

  17. The only problem with this sermon is that it is entirely to short, with that much material a really talented MOG could go on for months. The end times part alone is good for at least a 6 month long Sunday evening series.
    So, so glad I grew up in IFB lite churches and missed out on this kind of lunacy.

  18. Help Lord! That’s Right! Amen and Amen! Park it! Shake that bush! That’s some gooood Preechin!

  20. The grammar and spelling police in my head are going into overdrive. I think I have a headache now…

  22. Is it common for fundy preachers to not be able to spell or use punctuation correctly?

  23. That dress waring queer preecher in a dress never preeched the wedding.

    That’s exactly what someone said about my daughter’s wedding two years ago. She married our (Anglican) priest’s son. Fr. Don got so choked up with emotion that he had a hard time just getting through the ceremony. He had a short homily, but just couldn’t get it out.

    Oh well. He uses the NIV anyway that belonged to his mother.

    1. It’s the meanness that gets to me. It’s legitimate for people to disagree over clergy attire or the content of a wedding service, but so often there’s such an attitude of scorn and actual hatred underlying the IFB’s attitude toward others that I am really repulsed.

      That’s sweet about Fr. Don. My daughter (who’s in middle school) has said she wants her daddy to do her wedding someday, and I don’t know how he’ll handle it!

  25. Now I remember why I can’t attend a fundie church – I don’t drink enough.

      1. Nope – join the Catholics. Where I live, the church has a licensed bar over the street.

        Tho, as my roomie says, at least they go to church first.

        1. Christine: If you like beer, join the Lutherans. If you prefer wine, become Catholic. If whiskey is your thing, Anglicanism is the place for you.

          On the other hand, if you like Kool-Aid, there’s a nice Baptist Church down the road.. 😛

  28. LOL Darrell! Reminds me of a message the mog preached after he attended a liberal christian wedding. He spent a good 20 minutes on dress and how the bridesmaid and bride should not have worn sleaveless dresses…

    1. Haha he would have loved my sister’s wedding!! SPAGHETTI STRAPS OMG!!

      I just had to insert it into my graduating sister’s scrapbook, so now the very fundy church/school will see it. Oh the horrors…

  29. The only thing that upsets me about this is that Bro. Phil Armenik only seems to write about every 6 months. I really wish that he would write about once a week, even though the cost of keyboards would be tremendous.

  30. The awesomeness of this post can hardly be described,so I certainly will not try.

    P.S. What the hell does Shake That Bush mean?? 😯 Seriously, never heard that one before. Someone please by all means enlighten me.

    1. It’s yelled out during a sermon as a form of approval of what the pastor is saying. It perhaps comes from the practice of shaking a tree or bush in order the loosen the fruit or nuts. When you effectively shake the bush, you receive a bountiful harvest.

      1. @pw, thanks. There is NO way I could yell the word “bush” at church; then again that would’ve started once this ex-fundy grew a dirty mind. 😈

  31. One correction, Darrell: When they pronounce the word “Baptist”, it comes out as “BAB-DIST”.

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