178 thoughts on “Getting “Married” Before The Rapture”

      1. wow. you got them all right out of the box!

        Your prize will be a chance at eternal life. Watch for a couple of guys in suits who will be delivering it to you this Thursday evening around dinner time.

        1. Aww, rats. I got 1 and 3 right, but I was going to guess the bride’s earrings. I didn’t notice the robe at all!

        2. 4. The man doesn’t have his hands on the bottom, supporting the woman’s oh-so-dainty-and-delicate-fingertips. They’re more like holding each other’s hands together. Smacks of egalitarianism, and we can’t have that. … Seriously, most of the fundy weddings I’ve been at have made a big deal out of this (explicitly, in the rehearsal). 😯

        1. HE’S NOT HOLDING THE KJV AV1611 PRESERVED WORDS OF GAWD!! Totally NOT funnymentalists … probably some worldly, backslidden, milk-toast ecumenicals.

      1. Obviously, he took the advice of one of the Fundy bloggers to print out the 1611 KJV himself, instead of trusting it to heathen publishing houses, and so he has it in a loose-leaf binder.

        1. my bad. those are “photocopied” pages from an originall 1611.

          wonders who printed the FIRST 1611

          Maybe we could worship that printing press.

  1. The 3 things that make them non-fundy:

    1) The waaaaaay too revealing dress
    2) The “priest” is wearing a robe
    3) The groom has a beatnick beard and wire rim glasses

      1. 4) They are both way too thin! They are probably like the evil Cain, growing and eating their fruits and vegetables in some hippie garden in Portlandia, instead of eating at such godly establishments as Cracker Barrel and Chick-Fil-A.

    1. Pulpit robe = dress in some fundy minds. I’ve actually read remarks about “pastors who wear fancy robes and dress like women.” Then there are other fundies who think even a black Geneva gown is papist.

      Face it: if you’re a minister and you’re not a fundamentalist — even if you’re the lowest of low-church Presbyterians — you’re still going to hell. And you’re taking your poor, benighted flock with you.

      1. My parents were not happy that everyone on the platform at the BJU Sunday AM service wore robes. (That has changed since.) They thought it was suspiciously un-Baptist and thus ungodly.

        1. Having sung in the choir for a BJ AM serivce less than 1.5 years ago, most on stage do indeed still wear robes. I still have no idea why though. And even though we were wearing robes, nylons were still required.

        2. Kaje, do the speakers and all the other men on the platform wear robes or just the choir? In my day, EVERYONE including the speaker had to be in a robe. And the choir ladies had funny little caps to wear with their robes because girls had to have hats.

    1. Knowing how well my in-laws prepared my wife, I suggested she might want to address the subject when her sister got married. The sister-in-law explained that everything was okay, because she and her single friends had talked it all through one night in the dorm.

      Virgins teaching each other about sex without access to any actual reference material seemed like a good idea to them.

      1. I read the Darwin Awards, and there is one story in the first book about a couple that couldnt’ figure out why the woman couldn’t get pregnant. In the book’s words, “they were participating in a form of intercourse not usually associated with procreation.” So yes, it is possible!

    2. It’s possible. My mother told us she used to think you could get pregnant from drinking out of the same cup with a man. She never enlightened us that that was an incorrect assumption but thank goodness she sent us to public school long enough for us to learn about it in health class.

  2. Those were the first three that jumped out at me. I’ll add outdoor wedding…true fundies only marry in God’s house (never mind that the heavens declare the glory of the Lord…) and the fact that they are holding hands before the MoG declares them husband and wife. Also, the dress happens to have lacey stuff on it, which is meant for undergarments, not outside. Does the bride need to be wearing her bedroom attire to her wedding. Why not just put a bed up there and consummate the thing too.

        1. I recall a portion of Rob Bell’s Sex God where he describes the customs of an OT-era Hebrew wedding. Apparently right after the ceremony but before the party started, the bride and groom were ushered off to a separate room to have sex. And everyone waited to start the party until they were done.

          OK, so maybe that’s not as pervy as “sex-on-the-spot,” but still…

        2. I thought that had to do with the bride’s virginity. The sheet they did the deed on was supposed to have blood on it. That way the groom’s family knew they were getting clean goods before her family ran off with the bride-price.

        3. This (displaying a bloody sheet) is actually still done in some places in the world. 😯

          Oh, I’ve got lots of material on strange wedding customs. Someday I’ll tell them all …

        4. I remember that from a scene from the movie, “Yentl” with Barbara Striestsand or however you spell it. They didn’t really have sex but she spilled wine on the sheet for proof. Once again women having to prove themselves, sigh 👿

  3. If this had been a fundy wedding then that look on the Bride’s face would be one of, “I didn’t know that I would have to stand for this whole sermon on 1 Corinthians 13… I hope he doesn’t draw out the invitation to the altar, I have to pee.

    1. And if she REALLY knew what it was going to be like to be married to a fundy… she’d hike up that dress and run out of there screaming! Wish I had!

    2. Actually, what the bride is most likely thinking, is more like what I was thinking…”If I knew there was going to be a 45 minute sermon on the relationship between a husband and wife, I would not have worn heels. 😯 And I would have picked a different pastor!” 😉

      1. Wow….so true. I hate it when I end up in one of those weddings. I keep thinking, “What the heck, surely you had marriage counseling for these kids. Why are you doing this to them and us?” But in recent years it seems that the new BJU-ish trend is to see how much like a very high church vespery kind of huge program the kids can pull off. I find it all so very awkward….

    1. They do that because it overlaps with commencement. At Fundy U all their family come to that and they get married since all the family is there anyway.

      My sibling at BJU told me about this.

      1. I did that. Graduated from BJU at around 10AM, married at 2:30PM the same day. The worst part was that the night before graduation and marriage, I still had to stay IN THE DORM, even though my parents were staying with my aunt and uncle, who were on staff, and there was no shortage of chaperoning. They said if they let me stay off campus that last night, they’d have to let everybody do it. Sure, everybody who has family on staff and are graduating and getting married the next day!

        1. We got married on Commecement day of our Jr. year. It was more or less because we had a lot of friends who were in the dorms and would be leaving town that weekend. The dorm thing wasn’t an issue for us, since we were both town students.

        2. Going from sleeping in the dorms one night to being on your honeymoon the next. That had to be quite the contrast!

  4. Did anyone notice that there is no veil? That’s almost just as bad as the bride wearing a lascivious dress. Women must keep their hair covered at all times….In fact, there were people at my extreme fundie school that went to a church that passed out doilies to visitors to keep their hair covered…

    1. I went to a fundy church where several woman wore “headcoverings” which were just lace doilys. And one time one of them forgot to bring it so they went to the bathroom and got a paper towel and used that instead! 😯 I wish I were kidding but things like this that make me glad I got away from there!

      1. My now hubby once dated a girl who believed in head coverings during services. He wasn’t a believer in them, but he did many times bring up to her that a headband could not possibly count as a head covering lol.

  5. Before I read other comments, I’m going with this list:

    strapless wedding gown
    what looks like facial hair on the group
    preacher/priest is wearing a robe.

  6. Oh yes, I remember the couples I knew from PCC who got married and shouldn’t have. Poor things were so desperately horny. Trying to convince themselves they were meant to be despite the MASSIVE issues in their relationships. That was about the time I started thinking maybe waiting for marriage wasn’t the best thing for everyone. I’d rather ask my soulmate’s forgiveness for lack of “purity” than marry the wrong person just because I don’t want to wait any longer for sex. 😕

    1. Yeah, if St. Paul knew what fundies would do to marriage, he would’ve written an epistle to them that didn’t include “marry or burn”. It’s not like he didn’t precede that with a lengthy discussion of why marriage is optional, and hard to say he wasn’t saying better than marrying to remain unwed

        1. Some of us learn from our mistakes and make sure to remove all beverages from the vicinity before reading the comments 😀

    2. honestly, I’d rather my kid have sex rather get married so she ‘can.’

      Of course, I will be teaching her all about the subject, protection, being older, etc…..but I just do not think premarital sex is the end of the world. I’d like her to wait, but premarital sex is better than being stuck.

      ~signed married a virgin at 24.

      1. Good point.

        Sort of like the Urban Legend of the fundie couple that were trying to conceive but weren’t actually having sex (or not having it properly). Only to discover this from a fertility doctor.

        1. I read that in a book titled “Night Calls” about an ob/gyn’s life experiences. So I guess it’s not just a rumor…

      2. Same way the rest of us did. haha

        My cousin and his wife seriously did not kiss until the altar. I thought it was weird. My mom thought it was sweet. *eyebrow raise* At any rate, they’d both seen plenty of movies and all, and they seemed to figure things out seeing as they now have three kids. hahaha

    1. The Duggar boy that got married on the Very Duggar Wedding special waited to kiss his wife until the pastor said to at the alter. Then, it showed them on the way to the hotel listening to a cd in the car of their pastor explaining to them what sex is and how to do it. Totally creepy.

      1. ewwwww, I’m trying to hypnotize myself into believing that I NEVER read that part about listening to a CD of the pastor giving a how-to on the wedding night! And I’m SO glad that my pastor would find that just as absurd and creepy as I do!

        1. When you hear something like this, you’ve got to wonder if the MOG has been exercising a “droit de seigneur.”

    2. In one of her rare moments of honesty, my mother confessed that had she kissed her husband before their wedding day, she never would have gone through with it. The chemistry was that wrong. And she realized it as he kissed her just after the minister pronounced them husband and wife. Can you imagine what that must be like to know in that very moment that for the rest of your whole life the only person you could have sex with was someone you couldn’t bear to have kiss you? And the worst part must have been the realization that she had discovered this about thirty seconds too late.

      1. My late husband and I made out like bandits I my office at HAC. We were not yet married.Had we been caught, I would have been fired, I assume, and he expelled. I take great pride in this deception, because the premise is so absurd. Oh, and the chemistry was fine. 😉

  7. I know for a fact that the pastor at our ex-church told the couple who ran the singles ministry to encourage dating & engaged couples to marry ASAP. I always saw this as hasty. These young girls, fresh out of Bible College, reminded me of my 6 year old watching Cinderella and dreaming of her wedding day. The young men…well we know what they were dreaming about. In my opinion, it was a recipe for disaster. It was all about being married and not about spending the rest of your life with your best friend. So much of what fundies push on their young people leads to regrets because life changing decisions are made on faulty premises. Still makes my blood boil.

    1. So fundys believe it was the will of god for Jesus and Paul to be unmarried, but not for anyone else!
      Apparently it can’;t be God’s will for everyone to marry when there are more women than men, not just in churches but in the overall population.

      1. This might be TMI, but it’s got to do with sperm-health. X-chromosome sperm are tougher and survive longer than y-chromosome sperm. Men who have health problems that affect their sperm count are more likely to have daughters than boys.

        My Dad has had jobs where he’s been exposed to some nasty stuff. He looks fit and healthy, but him and most of his coworkers have no sons.

        1. That sounds plausible, except that there are more baby boys born than baby girls. Males just have higher mortality in nearly all age brackets.

        2. Actually this is true. Electronics Technicians in the US Navy typically have only daughters, not sons. It is because of the radiation of the equipment they work around. It kills off their Y-sperm.

  8. I think a lot of fundies really did fear that the rapture would ruin their chance at losing their virginity. I mean it is difficult for them. You not only need to find a mate, but one that is willing to spend the rest of their lives for you. Then you must attend college, and you can’t get married before you get your degree (because we all know in the real world no one is married in undergrad and if they are they simply cannot survive). If you are unfortunate enough to loose your sure thing before graduation then you must stay for grad school so 2 more years. You can be 30 before you even have the opportunity and last you checked the rapture is supposed to happen long before that.

    Another fundy thing is the actual wedding itself. In normal society the reception will last hours and hours. The bride and groom normal stay until the very end. In Fundy land the reception can be shorter then the wedding, I mean what with the actual wedding, music and the sermon that followed it. Gotta get out that door and seal the deal just in case the Lord comes back!

    1. The rush to “seal the deal” isn’t the only thing that shortens fundy wedding receptions. Face it: there’s nothing to do at a fundy reception. You can’t dance and you certainly can’t enjoy some tasty bubbly. All you can do is eat. At a normal wedding reception most of the time is taken up by the dancing, not the eating. Hence the longer receptions.

      1. I was always disappointed that fundies didn’t come up with anything fun to do in place of dancing. You’d think after several generations of weddings with nothing to do except eat and talk and catch the bouquet (if you’re single), someone would have come up with something fun to replace the “worldly” activities deemed inappropriate.

        1. Yeah, I think they took those reminders in the NT that deacons must be grave and sober and decided that meant that “fun = evil.”

        2. When my daughter married our Anglican priest’s son two years ago, we had dancing. It was so much fun ! I wish I knew how to dance. It would have been more fun, maybe.

        1. What we did was have the wedding at the church my wife grew up at. Then we had a reception at another location. We invited everyone, but made no illusions that the reception would meet any standards. I think the pastor left right after the meal. But my wife and I did some ball room dancing. Then after a bit one of my groomsmen got up and sang some rockin’ big band songs. After we left I’m told that the BeeGees came out and everyone really started to party.

          I’m sure some people were offended, but honestly I couldn’t care less. The vast majority in that room were having the time of their lives. And we were too. So I say go for it. Do what you want. Don’t let the church tell you what to do.

          Now that we look back we wish we had just rented a church in the area so that we could do whatever we wanted. Why must you get married in a particular church?

    1. I was wondering why everybody seemed to notice the wire-rimmed glasses, while nobody noticed that all three people in the photo are listing about 30 degrees to the port side.

      1. I’m guessing its like that so the bride and groom look like they’re the same height? I saw that and then was trying to tilt my head to get an idea of how it actually looked if they were level. I gave up because, for some reason, my eyes couldn’t make the picture make sense as level.

  9. Well, despite my youthful concern about the imminence of the rapture and my serious doubts about finding a man I’d be willing to agree to “love, honor, and obey”, I did manage to get married and enjoy all the benefits thereof for which I’m thankful.

      1. Yes, they do. I told the fundy pastor who did my wedding that I wouldn’t say it. He tried to sneak it in at my rehearsal and I stood still, quiet, until he fixed it. And I let him know I would do the same at the wedding, too. He was smart enough (!) not to try it.

  10. I got a huge laugh out of this. First thing I noticed was the clerical robe.

    We spent a few weeks talking about the book of Revelation at youth group. I really don’t like talking about it, after having it crammed down my throat all of the time or hearing my fundy aunt post about how close we are.

    Anyway – I told them, that when I was there age I didn’t want the rapture to happen because I wanted to have sex before it happened. They all laughed.

    I’ll never forget the first time I really had a pastor explain the book of Revelation as a historical book – and that the concept of the rapture didn’t come about until the last 1800s by a disgruntled preacher. So I an officially an amillenialist.

    I thought it was interesting, when I started attending a United Methodist Church and found out the first Sunday of Advent focuses on the return of Christ. Heard a pastor say, “There are a lot of Christians out there, who are really focused on the second advent of Christ, because they didn’t like what he told them to do at the first advent”.

  11. My fundie brother-in-law, (formally my girlfriend’s brother) often told me how sinful I was for kissing his sister while we were dating, and how dating itself was of the devil. Well, after months went by his sister and I tied the knot, going to our marriage bed for the first time with a clean conscious. Around the same time her brother got his first girlfriend, renounced that dating was sinful, and did all sorts of things with her that would make Jesus blush. Eventually they told his mother that they had to get married right away so that they would stop sinning. She thought they were rushing in to it, and offered to pay for the whole thing if they just waited a year. A couple months later they called her at work to announce their pastor was going to marry them that evening in the pastor’s house. This was the godly thing to do since they had no control of themselves. We had a “civil” ceremony for them (in a church, with the same pastor, and an actual license from the state) a few months later.

  12. Another reason they are not fundies: they both look like they are past their late teens or early 20’s, especially the woman. True fundies would get married much younger than that.

  13. I once attended a wedding of a relative during which the minister assumed the role of The Center of Attention. He droned on and on, nonstop and it slowly became clear to me that he was preempting this young couple’s wedding to squeeze in as proselytizing as he possible could. Disgusting!

    1. Oiy yes. My fundie pastor always did quite a bit of groom bashing at the alter. It was embarrassing. There was no way I was going to ask him to perform our ceremony.

  14. She said: “Ok, but this is the last time I’m pulling your finger.”

    The Minister thought: “See me in 10 years and tell me how that worked out for ya.”

    He thought: “Wha??? Oh yeah, Boobies!”

  15. Wait….what? Why else would I get married? My pastor just said he believes the Rapture will probably happen in the next 5-10 years.

    (Actually I am getting married this summer…) 😀

  16. I have to respectfully disagree with all of you. They are fundies. They are just new converts. (this explains the facial hair, the dress, the ministers robe and the missing Bible)

    This is the true story:
    They recently were converted and joined a IFB church. After being preached at for weeks about the sin they were living in (they live together) they decided to get married. The wedding was not allowed to be held in the IFB church because of their sin- this is why the ceremony is outside. The minister is not the IFB pastor – this was a favor to mom who is not converted yet, she is a Lutheran dog. Since the wedding was rushed and not in the IFB church, the dress was not approved by the pastor explaining the revealing nature of it. Clearly he is more brain washed then she is has he has a huge smile on his face and she has the look of “Oh my gosh, what am I doing?”

    I hope this helps enlighten you all.

        1. The original “Don’t ask; Don’t tell” complete with proof text scriptureto back it up:
          do not let your left hand know what your right hand is doing

        2. @don – i don’t care what anyone says, that was funny. that’s the first thing in quite a while that has made me laugh out loud.

          saved for future reference.

    1. As reported here previously, an administrative type asked a student at one of those Fundy Us, “Do you have a problem with masturbation?” and received the answer, “No, no problem, it’s going just fine. Thanks for asking, though.”

  17. I think everyone forgot this one:

    4. The minister actually looks happy, and isn’t yelling or screaming about how the world does marriage the wrong way, and how we’re all going to hell in a handbasket because of that.

  18. I’m going to skip reading this because I don’t want clues. 🙂 I see:

    1.) Strapless dress (ie. I can tell it’s a woman by the, um, general shape)
    2.) Outdoors (ie. not in a church auditorium)
    3.) There’s that idol thingy in the background. Pagans, all of them.

    How’d I do?

  19. Id like to get merried before the Rapture. Plese pray for me it is hard in these lass days when the harts of many are waxed cold amen. Espeshally the harts of women as the Salmist sad that a fatheful woman who can find? Theres many girls these days that only wants to merry for money and dont want to serve the Preecher. Also pray for me becuse its even harder to find preecher wife when your a preecher without a church. Ive been here in Albama for a long time now working at this camp and they move me into kichen becuse too many campers complaned about me trying to find a wife among them. I want to leve on account of there not helping me find a help mate but bruthers its the only minstry I got right now amen. Ever time I see the news I see whats gong on with the Middle East and our presdent who is a Muslim and wars and rumors of wars and erthqakes and I know the angle is puckring his lips and I still dont have any merrage prospects amen.

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