Commandments Concerning Women’s Jewelry

Likewise also let your women observe these commandments which were given aforetime by our fathers and keep them with all shamefacedness (once you look it up and find out what that is) that they sin not in the adorning of themselves with jewels and precious metals or whatever poor substitutes they can afford on a full-time ministry salary.

And if it shall enter thy heart to wear jewelry upon thy head, thou shalt in any wise wear an earring, for this is the jewelry that hath been sanctified and the piercing of ear lobe flesh is no big deal to us. However, of the piercing of the ear, the number of the piercings in thy ear lobe shall be only one hole. But if thou are hard of heart and care not about thy testimony, you may have a maximum of two holes in thy lobe but that is really pushing it. But any piercing in thy ear that is not of the lobe is completely out of the question and I can’t believe you would even ask, you brazen hussy.

And the adorning of the nose and the lip and the eye brow and various and sundry places about thy person which we are far too tasteful to spell out, thou shalt in no wise do it. For we do not wish people to mistake you for a godless heathen from Seattle or a CCM singer. And why wouldst thou adorn thy navel with gold and silver and precious stones unless thou plan to put it on display at some point? This is abomination in our sight and grave wickedness.

And of the adorning of the feet we give this command: don’t. For the chain and the bracelet that ensnare thy limb and the rings that shall encircle thy little piggies are the very wiles of Satan to draw away men’s hearts. And it shall come to pass that if a man gaze upon your feet, then shall his eyes inevitably head northward and shall be smitten with the allure of thy culottes and nothing good shall in any wise possibly come of this.

And thou shalt be allowed a wedding ring and perhaps one or two other rings but don’t get all wild and crazy with it lest we be wroth with thee and talk about thee behind thy back at the church picnic. For in all these commandments we do strive to bring unity, and circumspection, and show the world that we are true Christians. For as our Lord said, by these list of rules shall all men known that ye are my disciples.

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, page 191

192 thoughts on “Commandments Concerning Women’s Jewelry”

    1. Ah, so we’re just going to brush over your ignorance of the Bible passage and blatant misquoting. Fine, we’ll go ahead with that.

      Indeed, He did say “sin no more.”

      So now all you have to do is establish that those who disagree with your personal preferences on things like jewelry, dress, and music are actually sinning. Good luck!

    1. Frank,

      Is that your stock reply? It’s really not much. Be more creative and use larger words. For example:


      “Your vapid countenance and love of hats and novelty ties are to be construed as nothing less than blatant misanthropism against your former co-religionists. You dirtbag.”

      See how easy that was?

      If you’re pressed for time as you’re running out the door for your next dog-walking assignment, go to to generate some cool-sounding insults in a jiffy.

      Really, it’s like you’re not even trying, thou misbegotten brazen-faced hugger-mugger!

  1. Have to agree about the culottes comment being the best line – I laughed out loud. When I left home, I swore I’d never wear another pair as long as I live. And when they came back in style recently even with much less fabric, I got nauseous everytime I saw them. My mom tried to make us feel better; she called them gauchos. 🙄

    At least when we went to snow camp we were allowed to wear snow pants. There was a church that sent their girls wearing snow culottes!!!! 😯

  2. Hi, Darrell, is there really a book called “Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements? I think I have seen you mention it more than once. Sounds like a load of laughs waiting to be read if it really exists. If it does tell me where I can read it! A merry heart doeth good like medicine! 😛

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