Ask CampMeetingGirl

I’m proud today to announce a brand new service for our SFL community! CampMeetingGirl our resident handmaiden-in-waiting has volunteered to help those of you who are hurting and ailing to find answers to life’s most persistent questions with a new featured SFL advice column that we’re calling (what else?) “Ask Camp Meeting Girl.”

With her combination of old-fashioned wisdom and world class homeschool education, CMG will be happy to bless your heart with advice on anything from child rearing (she’s seen it done a whole bunch) to interior design (finally putting that correspondence course to work!)

To get advice on any topic, simply e-mail your questions to askcmg@stufffundieslike.com or use the Contact page with the Subject of “AskCMG”

All names will be kept confidential with the exception of telling them to the 272 people on the e-mail prayer chain who will be praying a hedge around you.

122 thoughts on “Ask CampMeetingGirl”

      1. I came to comment on the Noir reference, but Apathetic beat me to it. Love it!

        Uh, I have to ask – does the reference to a show run by a Lutheran mean that CMG is backsliding? πŸ˜€

  1. Darrell – will questions and answers be posted somewhere on SFL so we can all benefit from CMG’s insight and wisdom? (not that the men need wisdom in matters of faith from a woman mind you πŸ˜‰ )

    1. Yes, the answers will be posted here on a regular basis.

      I’m sure that if CMG is answering questions for a man she’ll be very careful not to exert any noticeable authority. I’ll leave that up to her best judgment. πŸ™‚

      1. CMG has displayed nothing but the greatest of abilities to fellowhip and share with us males in humility and submission as Christ would want all females to behave, it’s almost too good to be true! What a blessing to know how well she has recognized, and stayed within her place. πŸ˜‰

        1. @Don, of course not! Haven’t you read Elsie Dinsmore? When her father asked her to play a light-hearted ditty on the piano on Sunday, she refused lest she violate the Ten Commandments, enduring his scorn for several days until she lay near death which finally earned his respect and repentence. (Although fundies are in two minds about Elsie: some love her high standards; others are disturbed that she defied her daddy’s decree.)

        2. Yeah! I didn’t read Elsie until adulthood, and at first I was drawn to her sweetness and her quiet dedication to doing what’s right, until I realized that her artificial, man-made standards were keeping her from obeying her dad and were setting her up as “holier-than-thou.”

        3. Oh Elsie Dinsmore. I was forced to read those books as a child. How I hated her perfection and self righteous attitude. I never did understand why it was better to disobey daddy than play the stupid song. My mother was ofthe disobey daddy variety. What i right is always right – BUT MOM IT WAS A STUPID SONG!

        4. Yikes! My mom bought me the Elsie Dinsmore books when I was a teen, and I remember being particularly disturbed by the nonsense in that passage where she refuses to play a secular song on a Sunday. I remember her just sitting there on the piano benchÒ€¦refusing play on the LordÒ€ℒs Day until she collapses from exhaustion …gag. When I realized that as a teen girl, the writer of those books wanted me to admire Elsie and her antics, I remember being torn by conflicting emotions – the desire to laugh and complete revulsion.

          The problem was, by the time my mom had bought me those books, I was already reading C.S. Lewis and Dostoyevsky, so I had already embarked on that wonderful journey of trying to become a thinking human being!

        5. @Undine, C.S. Lewis was a first step for me out of the small box of KJV-onlyism, etc. in which I was raised. I was told not to read him because he was Anglican, but his writings helped me grow in Christ in so many ways!

        1. ROFL!!! Nope, I mean George has decided to type for me again. He tends to hit the keys randomly and hope a sermon comes out (as long as that alliteration is in place…) πŸ˜‰

        2. I’m guessing that 1 George and 2 monkeys plunking away randomly at the keyboard could come up with a passable fundy sermon in about a week.

        3. True, but I’m guessing that if George isn’t there to distract them, the monkeys will just end up throwing poo at each other. And that’s just murder on a keyboard… πŸ˜€

  2. “All names will be kept confidential with the exception of telling them to the 272 people on the e-mail prayer chain who will be praying a hedge around you.”

    Ah HAAA haaa! Why would I want answers from some unknown girl when I can get the real thing and have it broadcast throughtout fundyland? All my old IFB “friends” would be thrilled to “pray” for me and give me wonderful advice.
    I have at my disposal a team of people ready to submit me to their “gossi…err..prayer chain email.” and get the answers I need. Their advice is kind of like getting beaten by a baseball bat to the head and then afterwards telling everyone…”I feel SO beaten up but I NEEDED that it was SOO Good!!! WOW WOW WOW!” πŸ‘Ώ

    1. Id like to suggest cmg pray for IAHB! She clearly needs lots of CMG advice! πŸ˜‰ I almost doubt that IAHB checked with multiple male authority figures in her life before posting this! πŸ˜‰

        1. Nothing a good dose of submission won’t fix! LOL. Although IDK how to get your actual opinions w/ a full submission to all the authorities fundies want in place! πŸ™‚

    2. Yeah, I came to realize very quickly that the fundy method of “caring” is to push you down, put their foot on your neck and say, “But I’m trying to help you get up…”

  3. Do we ask our questions here? Or do we submit them privately? How many questions do I get? Have I already asked too many? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH.

    I have a few:

    Is it better to sew up the slits in my skirt to the knee or to sew them up completely or not have the kind of skirt that needs slits at all?

    How do you recommend I eat a corn dog?

    And about swimming? Is it proper for a Christian lady to go swimming? With other gentlemen? With pagan men? With people of color? With other women? With my children? With myself?

    What about necklaces? You know, the ones that point down toward my bosom? Are those okay or do they cause men to lust?

    Is it okay . . . to well, say “oh my goodness” since I don’t really have any goodness in and of myself?

    And what about shoes? Does showing toe cleavage cause my husband to lust after me?

      1. Camille,
        This is NO JOKE–I was walking behind Pat Berg on BJU campus today and the rear slit of her skirt was an inch or two ABOVE her knee! I so wanted to tap her on the shoulder and tell her she was causing me to stumble. But I wasn’t brave enough…

        1. If she makes you stumble, you have more problems than anybody can help! Get thee to a psychotherapist! πŸ˜‰

        1. For women, I expect it would be: “With fork and a large knife, politely remove corn dog from stick and cut into bite-size pieces, which you can then demurely eat with the fork.”

          For men: Lick the entire outside to remove excess oil and/or ketchup. Gripping tightly with your fist, shove the whole thing in your mouth. This is the most masculine way to eat it. Don’t choke.

          Because everything a woman does is necessarily sexualized. πŸ™„

  4. Last December, the Ladies Helping Hands came to my home to sew quilts for unwed mothers in Africa who came to repentance thanks to the work of our GFA missionaries. I had a Christmas tree in my home. Unfortunately, the Christmas tree offended a weaker sister and caused her to stumble. This year, my husband insists that we again have a Christmas tree in our home. If I set it up in the basement, am I fully submissive to my husband?

  5. On a side note —

    I think the way to get rid of you-know-who is to make several posts in a row that are so broad and burlesque that he won’t get it at all. Think Colbert. People like you-know-who don’t get the irony at all.

        1. Pitiful really, Exasperating and pathetic, but in the end pitiful. I wish there was a pity/pitiful emoticon… I’ll just use *cry* πŸ˜₯

        2. I always hate blocking, but I think he’s gone above & beyond the limits of sanity & reason it’s getting unbearable.

        3. Do you think if we all resisted the temptation and the baiting and just stopped responding that maybe it would all just go away?

        4. You liberals just don’t know my John. He will not give up, go away, or be quieted at all. Ever. As a child we taught him ungiveupablity, we taught him smartitude and most of all we taught our boy the BIBLE! Even before he could read his KJV he was memorizing it. It transferred his life even as a toddler. Only his father and I can say this: His silenceness will not be given to anyone. Not here. Not ever.

          We did discuss a “time out” because he used some hurtful words, but he apologized (to me anyway) and Don apologized (although how can you trust someone in sunglasses!! We are all blogging indoors you know!) Anyway, I’m sorry for jumping in here on my son’s ministry among you all, and I’ll probably get a little grief for this at home because he hates it when I fight his battles. Always have – even when Gloria Fields would chase him home in the fourth grade! Laughing Out Loud! He is a man now, but I can’t stand to see him bullied. So I won’t do this again! Keep on keeping on keeping it on, hun! Love ya!

        5. I think we should all try really hard and he may just pack up his ball and go home because no one else is playing. πŸ˜€

        6. As much as I don’t like to say this in this situation but I am against banning. Darrell has every right to ban people since it is his website…but it takes away a piece of freedom that can be enjoyed here. Although it is a privilege not a right to post here. I don’t feel like you-know-who has really abused that privilege since people are engaging in his conversations.

          The solution would be to hang up a “do not feed” sign. (Thankfully some of you stopped feeding him).

      1. Apparently I’m not the only one who thinks of Voldemort whenever someone refers to John as “you know who.” 😈 However, I should point out that while the movies attribute that quote to Hermoine, in the books it’s Dumbledore who says that. Hermoine herself habitually refers to Voldemort as “you know who.”

        1. I may or may not have read all the books, listened to all the audiobooks, and watched all the movies multiple times each. I also may or may not read the entire series through every year. No idea what you’re talking about. πŸ˜› Yep, I think CMG just might have some counsel to help save my wayward “rebellious” soul. 😈

        2. I may nor may not defer to Amanda’s obvious or presumed superior Harry Potter knowledge or lack thereof.

  6. Let me be the first to sound the alarm: CampMeetingGirl is usurping male authority by answering religious questions. She should keep silence as the Scripture saith.

    1. That’s not a problem. If you’re a man, submit your question using a gender non-specific screen name, so she won’t know your gender. Then, she’s not breaking any rule. πŸ˜†

    1. Oh man, if you can get her family secret green bean casserole recipe posted publicly, I would be thrilled beyond worlds! I’ve heard yours is the greatest one ever! πŸ™‚

  7. CMG, I am afraid my 2-year-old daughter is defrauding the 2-year-old boys in the church nursery (yes, it is mixed at our church). Should I tell the preacher my concerns, and ask for separate classes for the girls and boys? Or would he feel I’m questioning his authority, since he didn’t think of it first? Obviously, I need to be cautious about not stepping on his toes. Perhaps I should just home church? Obviously, if some little boy stumbles, it would be my daughter’s fault, and thus my fault, since she is under my authority. (I briefly thought about getting the boys more practical shoes, but realized at once what a silly idea that was. God would not be pleased if toddlers showed up to His house without Wingtips).

    When I go to the hardware store to choose my rod of reproof, how should I ask customer service about the pros and cons of dowel rods versus plumbing supply line? Is it ok to tell the employees it’s for my 4-month-old son? Is it ok to bring my son in for some test runs? Obviously the unsaved might not understand that I’m spanking him because I love him, and want the best for him. I have heard of extreme cases where employees have actually called CPS. Would this be a danger? How do I avoid this, and still get the advice I need?

    1. You should save your money and just use your hands to beat your children. Despite what the correctionists teach, the poor kids will see that rod as an extension of your arm anyway.

  8. Dearest CMG,
    Do you have the capability to look at ISP numbers in order to see if TheSilentMajority Speaks is posting from the same computer as he who apparently must not be named? That is my most pressing question. I am not sure if he/she was around before the last post or not. I was hoping that since you have the same mission as guy noir, you might be able to super slueth that one out.
    Thanks!

    1. Who says that he who must not be spoken uses the same computer (if assuming I/he does have multiple accounts) when posting with multiple accounts.

      1. I’m going to have to call George out on crimes against grammar. SilentMajority, if you don’t want people to think you’re John, don’t do trolly things. If you do want people to think you’re John, you probably don’t get how many people feel about his responses.

  9. I had e-mailed in a question earlier, but if this works I’ll post another one here.

    I would like to know how CMG thinks a youth groups should handle it if a clearly unsaved female teenagers shows up at a youth event wearing pants? Our current policy is to offer her to change into a spare pair of oversized cullotes we keep around for such occassions or kindly find a ride home (told in a loving manner of course). You think this is the most effective way to reach unsaved girls, or by the time they are wearing pants as teenagers, there’s basically no hope anyway (basically our standing policy)? Thanks for the insight!

    (Will be glad to e-mail this in, if preferred).

      1. No one at “my church” can think of any changes to the policy that would be in anyway aligned w/ proper KJV standards! πŸ™‚

        Have I ever mentioned how much I love faux naivete?

  10. ❓ CMG,

    My sister keeps talking about going to a secular college and getting a career. Our youth pastor says it is God’s will for her to go to the church’s unaccredited Bible College and become a pastor’s wife or Christian school teacher.

    I am afraid she is following after Satan…Whatever can I do to make her see the light and become more like you?
    ❓

    1. They didn’t see the white pianos, George was the head coach, John is on the team, their wives all wear pants….I wonder what other one will come up in the future….

  11. My friend feels that she ought to eschew makeup lest she appear worldly. She also wants to wear a head-covering to show her submission to her husband. However, her husband has said that he likes her to wear makeup and doesn’t want her to wear a head-covering.

    My friend wants to know if the verse “it is better to obey God rather than man” applies to this situation.

      1. Clearly she’s in sin for being unequally yoked with a weaker brother (2Cor 6:14). The anguish she’s going through deciding what to do is God’s punishment on her for missing His perfect will.

  12. Dear CMG,
    I am single and serving in my pastor’s Christian school while I wait for the Lord to open the door for courtship. I’ve been teaching English to the sixth and seventh grades and we start the day with devotions and prayer. Two weeks ago my pastor told me that I shouldn’t lead the male students in devotions and prayer, which I guess is true but I hadn’t really thought about it before. There aren’t any other male teachers in the school, and the pastor is always busy studying. The pastor told me that if I serve as a volunteer instead of getting a paycheck, then it will be a ministry instead of just a job, and that would make it OK to do as long as I keep the daily devotions kind of short. Plus one of the sixth grade boys is really spiritually mature and could probably do the devotions sometimes too. I’m not sure how being a volunteer will affect my finances, but the pastor says God will provide for me as long as I’m doing what I’m supposed to do. One of the other teachers in school says the pastor is just trying to take advantage of me by making me feel guilty and getting me to work for nothing. My question is: should I turn this other teacher in for being divisive? Or should I try to counsel her first?

  13. Dear CMG,

    I am very concerned about gaining some insight into applying Proverbs 31:6-7: “Give strong drink unto him that is ready to perish, and wine unto those that be of heavy hearts. Let him drink, and forget his poverty, and remember his misery no more.”

    I am a single girl (still), waiting for the one God has for me. While I’m waiting, I live under my father’s rule. He doesn’t want me to teach in a Christian school, but does permit me to help out with the homeschooling of some local patriarchal families.

    I am happy to see that these families take the commands and promises of the Proverbs seriously. They do not spare for their children’s crying, and they believe that the blueness of wounds they impart with their rods are cleansing. (I hate to admit it, but I am secretly glad I’m not a parent and have to do those sorts of things, but I know the AV1611 is quite clear in the commands of Biblical Chastisement.)

    But I am still working on my obedience to the Proverbs. My father had me memorize Proverbs 31 when I was 3, but it was only recently that I was convicted that I should be working on applying it in my life. I’m hoping it will also help someone find me to be worth some rubies. (I don’t even care about the far above part anymore.) So I started to work verse by verse.

    Well, I’m a little hung up on those verses. It seems like in this day and age, Christians have forgotten how to give a good old fashion strong drink. But it’s very clear that this is a command. How do I know who is going to perish? Isn’t God the only one who knows such sorts of things? Or should I go on visitation to the hospital wards and visit cancer patients and give them strong drink? Don’t some states have laws on that? Are there Christian websites where you can buy strong drink containers that look like soft drink containers? Should I carve these verses onto the container? What if the person I think is perishing isn’t, and they end up getting’ cured. Or even worse, healed by a healer! Have I disobeyed the command? And that’s just the first command!

    I’ve also noticed that some of the homeschool kids I help with seem heavy hearted. Usually when their parents are applyin’ other parts of Proverbs. Which of course means they get some more applyin.’ Should I suggest that the parents give them wine instead? It would probably save them time and plumbing line. Or do I just try to give it to them myself? Am I being divisive if I cause there to be tension between the parents and the children?

    Also, how do I know what is considered poverty? (And besides, people in poverty usually can’t afford wine.) I mean, I qualify for government assistance, but then again I still wear Tommy Hilfiger denim jumpers. But there are missionaries that visited our church last week that said the people in Tunisia sometimes don’t even have access to water. And I didn’t see anyone in their slides wearing jumpers. So that makes me seem rich, doesn’t it?

    Obeying to the letter of the law is harder than it looks on those letters. But I want to have a conscience that is void of offense before God and man.

    Thanks for taking time to answer my questions.

    Sincerely,

    Confused and Single (Still!)

  14. Hi CMG,
    No questions for you dearie, I just kinda wondered on this site and am just kinda lookin around a bit. Besides I’m a lot older than you and have a son with more smarts in his pulpit pounding fist than you’ve got in your whole body. But if I did have a question (and of course I don’t sweetie) it would probably be concerning a good friendhog mine who is also a mother, and very very wise, and modest, and very attractive for a woman in her fifties who may be around 40 pounds overweight. She has a precious son who has inherited all of her values and wisdom thanks to a lot of good ol fashioned spankings. Anyhoo, he is a BIG contributer on this site and is loved by everyone deep deep down. He reminds me of that Simon character on that made up evil show about American Idols. People boo him but he gets paid the most money (I’ve been told) – and is the most loved on that show. Not that I watch it of course (but I could since it is past the five year mark and now eligable for entertaining good people of discernment). So I’m getting the feeling that he is opposed to his sweet sweet mother who raised him and changed his dirty diapers for six years and loves him so, to coming on this website and defending him against some of the Yahoos on here. No one from this page of course- everyone seems fairly decent on this CMG thing-a-ma-bob. So what should my friend do? He is both my pastor AND my son. Well, that’s probably the toughest one you’ve gotten yet! And while I’m not holdin my breath for an answer I do feel good getting that off my chest. Well, young lady you’ve got a lot of work ahead of you- I’ll let you get it at! Love ya’ Hun!!

  15. Dear CMG,

    One of our single sisters in our church became with child at the tender age of fifteen. When her father and the pastor met with her to discuss the situation, it was found that the father of her unborn child is a much-respected deacon in the church.

    The pastor told our young sister that she had caused this man of God to stumble with flirtatious ways and wearing her denim jumpers a little too short, and her culottes a little too tight.

    The young sister tried to explain that this deacon had cornered her in the dark after several youth group meetings, and that she was terrified, but the pastor told her to stop lying, and that she should just admit it was consensual.

    The pastor has since recommended that she apologize publicly before the church, be disciplined out of the church, and be sent to live with a homeschooling family in another state (lest she cause any other brothers to fall into sin).

    I am afraid that perhaps this young woman could at least benefit from counseling, but then again, the pastor did say that all the wisdom she needed she could find herself, in the KJV. What is your opinion?

    1. This made me SOOOO sad but since I’m in the library because my home computer is down, I CAN’T cry. And I want to cry because I know this really happens.

        1. The one from CT?

          I just can’t imagine why the pastor wouldn’t let others know that they had a dangerous predator in their church. What if you let YOUR 13 year old daughter baby-sit at that man’s house, not knowing that he’d impregnanted the last teenage babysitter? The cold-heartedness toward the girl is heartbreaking, the continued sugar-coating of the man’s sin is underhanded and dishonest(I think it was presented to the church that he’d been unfaithful to his wife), and the apparant disregard toward other young girls in the church who might be at risk (because they weren’t upfront about what really happened) is extremely careless and even callous. The God of my Bible cares for the weak and helpless. (Sorry for ranting; this story is very upsetting to me!)

  16. CMG (Camp Meeting Girl) will probably say the pastor is always right.

    But CMG (Cranky, Mean Gary) says that this pastor is just as guilty as the rapist. Maybe more so.

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