The Founding Fathers


To many fundamentalists, the Founding Fathers rank right up there with the Twelve Apostles as men to be admired and followed. Their crowning achievement was to plant this country, the Baptist States of America. This name was later changed to the “United States” by the evil left-wing Department of Education who, according to WorldNetDaily, also recently mandated that all public school children must take an oath of allegiance to Satan.

There is no doubt that the founding fathers were a pretty amazing bunch of guys. They were smart and driven, and they loved freedom. And while most of them were religious men, strangely enough not one of them was a Baptist. In fact, the plurality of them were Anglicans with a good number of Presbyterians, Congregationalists, and Quakers mixed in. One would suppose that good fundamental Baptists would be a bit perturbed by their denomination being underrepresented in the founding of the nation but somehow it never actually comes up in the sermons on God and Country Sunday.

Back when the country was founded, it was a great place. The Founding Fathers outlawed Democrats, rock music, and votes for women. The pregnancy rate for fourteen-year-old was high, but since they’d already been married for two or three years by that point it was to be expected. Everybody went to church on Sunday and most folks worked hard from sun-up to sundown doing things like selling slaves, planting tobacco, and killing Indians. It’s easy to see why these times would evoke nostalgia in many fundamentalists.

If fundamentalists had a process for canonizing saints, one can rest assured that the Founding Fathers would find their place enshrined in their lists, right down to the last beer-swilling, slave-owning philanderer among them.

12 thoughts on “The Founding Fathers”

  1. It’s funny you should write on this subject. I’ll be posting a piece tomorrow on historical inaccuracies surrounding the FF (that’s Founding Fathers, not Fightin’ Fundamentalists).

  2. Some fundamentalists are still upset that Catholics were not outlawed in the new country.

  3. Yeah, I’ve actually heard the founding of Maryland lamented as some kind of terrible Catholic inroad, as though the Devil had a foot in the door of the bright new land.

  4. I just relish reading these tales of love and respect for those sacrificed so much so that we could have America.

    1. I love and respect every last beer-swilling, slave-owning, philanderer among them. They were great men.

      But they weren’t saints. And they weren’t Baptists. And pretending they were is just wrong.

  5. I have been a lawyer since 1976. I LOVE the Constitution and the Bill of Rights, along with the Declaration of Independence. I am very disturbed that Americans either are not interested and/or uninformed about the right of WE THE PEOPLE. The rights not given to the federal government or the states are RESERVED TO THE PEOPLE. These right wingers who complain about “judicial activation” are hypocrites and liars. The “judicial activists” are those busy TAKING AWAY OUR RIGHTS. The fact that the Founding Fathers were a bunch of WHITE MEN only proves that the Constitution is meant to evolve. When it was drafted, anyone other than white men did not have any rights or very few. And this country was NOT founded as a Christian country. Hello, separation of church and state. Listen to what these creeps are telling you! They will take away all of our rights if we are not vigilant.

    1. It is hard to believe you are a lawyer. I do not believe it, lest our educational system in this country is worse than I even believe.

  6. And heaven forbid you tell a fundy you do not want to have flag-waving, America-praising songs performed in church during a Sunday morning service…That makes fundies show their fangs.

    I have heard Souza songs..yes, Souza songs, performed in what was supposed to be a worship service.

    And they call themselves God honoring churches…. 🙄

Comments are closed.