News Update: World Shocked to Discover That Christians Have Issues Too

After two thousand years of assuring the world that the Christian church lives in a blissful state of sinless perfection and perfect harmony, the facade was suddenly shattered this week when a member at the One Door and Only One Baptist Church finally had enough and started telling it like it is on Facebook.

“This is going to shock a lot of people,” wrote Mrs. Eulalie Mackechnie, “but some of the pastors in this area are just plain mean and I don’t think their stories are always true either.”

The shocking post only lasted for an hour before being taken down but the damage had already been done. As far away as the new Baptist church on the other side of town and as nearby as the local Waffle House, many people are stunned to have their ideas about Baptists in particular and Christianity as a whole called into such doubt. Some, however, claim that they have been suspicious that not all was as it seemed for a very long time.

“You know, last year I was walking downtown and a street preacher screamed at me that I was going straight to hell if I didn’t tuck my shirt in,” recalls local construction worker Finbar Hynson, “At the time I just thought he was really trying to look out for me and I appreciated him saying something but later it struck me that it was really kind of rude. Since nobody else I know has ever had a bad encounter with somebody from a church I figured I was probably just mistaken. Now I’m thinking I may have been right all along.”

In written statement from the One Door and Only One Baptist Church, Senior Pastor Joe Bixters lamented the post as the work of a bitter person who is probably herself not even a real Christian. It said in part:

“It has long been accepted the world over that Christians have no scandals, abuses, quarrels, petty fights, or hypocrisy. The fact that it was a member of this church has now given the world cause to think that we might be having problems is disheartening and the obvious work of Satan in our midst. There are no problems here and if you see any you are being deceived.”

For her part, Eulalie Mackechnie was unavailable for further comment and conversations with her neighbors revealed that she hasn’t been seen leaving her house since her church deacon board popped by for a surprise visit earlier this week.

104 thoughts on “News Update: World Shocked to Discover That Christians Have Issues Too”

        1. Hell, Michigan? Why, yes it is a real place. Their website: http://www.gotohellmi.com . You can get a degree from Dam U, eat at Scream Diner, or be Mayor for the day. It’s southeast of Lansing. So whenever someone says you’re going to Hell now you know where you need to go. :grin: I bet it even freezes over in winter. :grin:

        2. Ah, but there’s also a section of Hell in Norway, where it gets as cold as… do I really have to finish it for you? :grin:
          Plus another bit in the Grand Caymans, a field of black spiky limestone accompanied by an overpriced gift shop.
          The Devil does get around, doesn’t he? :razz:

      1. Dear Bassenco:

        Finbar Hynson. That’s exactly who stuck in my mind. I got this image in my head of poor Finbar suspended on a gangplank over hell’s fires, while angels and demons alike laughed in derision as a voice boomed, ‘Finbar Hynson – condemned to eternal damnation … for a wardrobe malfunction.’ If that’s what Finbar got, I have to wonder … what will they do to that Jackson woman?

        That weekend, 49 African heads of state met China’s leader to discuss his nation’s energy needs. There MIGHT have been 200 Americans who knew that a foreign policy coup of gigantic proportions was in the make. I have no idea what you girls keep in those ‘over-the-shoulder’ pockets, but it must be spectacular. The rest of the planet was fixated on Janet’s problem.

        Go figure.

        Christian Socialist

      1. Yes, sermon featured here not too long ago! Say it with me:

        Blue is for the …… boys.
        Pink is the for …… girls.

  1. Apparently Hutson can’t preach in this church — it’s PINK!

    “It has long been accepted the world over that Christians have no scandals, abuses, quarrels, petty fights, or hypocrisy. The fact that it was a member of this church has now given the world cause to think that we might be having problems is disheartening and the obvious work of Satan in our midst. There are no problems here and if you think there are any you are being deceived.”

    OF COURSE it has to be the person’s fault — no Baptist pastor has ever done anything wrong :twisted:

    1. They really do want to sit in their own little “perfect” bubble. I guess my failure is that I wasn’t any good at bullshitting myself.

  2. What’s sad is that some people are going to take this as the stone-cold truth about Christians. :sad: These days it’s too easy, and so often done, to assume the Fundamentalist mentality is draped over the whole of the Christian faith.

      1. Well, Shipoopi!

        I wonder if there is a “Shipoopi pouri” product on the market yet.

        “Just spritz it in the pulpit… it will cover that hint of faeces that is stirred up when the pastor is slapping on the scarred desk of bullshittem ”

        “You would’nt believe the motherload of Fundamental Shipoopi that just came out of the One Door and Only One Baptist Church this week.”

      2. Shirley Jones was “expecting” during the entire filming of The Music Man (David Cassidy). She said that the scene on the bridge, while Preston was singing ‘Til There Was You, baby David gave her some mighty hard kicks, which caused her to struggle and strain her acting chops in her only truly romantic moment of the film.

        “I love you madly, madly, madam librarian…Marian”….indeed!

  3. Yes, by all means keep all truth under wraps because the church represents Jesus! People will go to hell if they see Christians calling other professing believers out on such silly issues as fund misappropriation or criminal abuse!

    Hide all the sins because Jesus would have hidden his sins too!

        1. They caught a cat burglar in New York recently. It seems he put all his ill-gotten gains into an ancient Grecian pottery jar. He liked to tell people he urned his living the old-fashioned way.

  4. Apparently wearing winter coats with hoods fall into the categories you can get yelled at in Fundie Church now:

    The following was recently posted on Robert & Jo-Beth Hooker’s (I can’t believe they allow someone in the church with that last name, what about their testimony?) public Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/Bob4JoBeth

    Last night I was walking in a very nice neighborhood but it was a little chilly so I had my black coat own and my hood up. The police were called because somebody in a black hoodie was walking the neighborhood. The police were kind as I told them what I was doing but as I walked away a thought entered my mind. I Samuel 16:7 But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him:for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart. It also says in 1 Thessalonians 5:22 Abstain from all appearance of evil. There is a vast movement today that says that what a man appears to be is not important, for God sees the heart. But God makes it clear that man cannot see the heart and man therefore must look upon the outward, dress and appearance of a man to help discern who he is, what he believes and for what he stands. God also is clear that there must be an appearance that can be worldly or evil for He commands us to abstain from that appearance. Those people who called the police saw my appearance and it caused them concern. If I had been in a bright colored joggers outfit I doubt they would have called. They of course could not see or know my heart for I was simply praying as I walked. Were they wrong to be concerned? No, I was foolish for walking late at night with all black for it has the appearance of evil to those living in the neighborhood. Whether we like it or not we still need to be separate or different from the world. The way you dress and act reveals what you listen to, watch, support and believe in. Since only God can see my heart I must help man see who I really am.

    1. I can’t believe they would suggest we wear anything but a white gown with a blue sash. As true Christians we should mirror Christ. And don’t give me the stuff about modern style being different from 0 BC middle eastern fashion; our God never changes. (Oh no, I just realized I’m such a sinner, I usually change into pajamas every night. Where’s my flail, I was just using it?)

    2. If they’d worn a brightly colored jogging suit, motorists could actually SEE them. Black hoodie at night is a safety issue, not a heart issue! smh

      1. People in my community do that all the time, and I get home many times later at night when I am generally tired from work. It definitely does not put the love of God in my heart I will say when I almost hit them because they are in all black in the middle of the street.

    3. Brilliantly reasoned, @ICO. Now my head hurts. You remind me of when we were trying to discuss matters of the Faith and Christ’s true nature; as my wife said later, “It’s like this: we said ‘black is not white.’ They’d nod and say, ‘Exactly! Black is white.'” The convolutions involved in taking their position remind me of the intellectual somersault performed here.

    4. To the Hooker that said that (NOT I Came Out- just want to be clear there). If the way you “dress and act reveals what you listen to, watch, support and believe in,” then you should wear either a straitjacket around town as that would be a better representative of “who you really are.” Ugh I hate when the passage about man looking on the heart is used to validify judging on the cover (to use a cliche). Though the event was unfortunate, no one actually said he was doing evil or had intent to do evil; it just made him seem as if he was portraying a racial stereotype (or ghetto stereotype may be better descriptive) as evil. Love for the lost? My donkey.

    5. So I looked up that FB profile….and we have a mutual friend! :shock: Now admittedly it’s a musician I’ve never met but like his stuff but still…mutual friend wow.

  5. Oh the inhumanity of it! Is nothing sacred? That this hussy would post such bitter lies about Called™ Men of god is just earth shattering. I’ll prey for her.

      1. Tap the hussy on the leg. Brazen ones have a hollow, metallic ringing tone. A well-made one will have a clear tone, like a bell.

  6. You want to talk about petty fights? Allow me to post my research paper I’m writing this week in the comments here on the Filioque controversy.

    Off the topic of petty fights in the church, I could really use some smothered hashbrowns from Waffle House right now.

      1. Never heard of triclavianism before. Looking at that Wikipedia article, if it’s true that the Waldenses’ and Albigenses’ controversy with the Catholic Church centered on that, then it just another proof of how ridiculous the Trail of Blood and other attempts at Baptist successionism really are.

      2. Good God, who would argue about something that meaningless? At least the Filioque matters for our doctrine of the Trinity.

    1. If filioque was only about the filioque, it might have been a silly controversy. (Or maybe not. Depends on how important you consider the doctrine of the Trinity and what your philosophical and cultural background is.) But, as I am sure you know, filioque was really a lot more about church authority structure than it was about adding a word to the creed. Pope Leo = the world’s first MOG. Not content to be held in check by his brethren, not even content to be primus inter pares. Nope, he wanted the pre-eminence. Thank goodness the papacy recovered from this error after several centuries.

  7. We will now have a moment of reverent silence for Eulalie Mackechnie. May she rest in peace (or pieces, as the case may be. You know how those deacon boards can get!).

    1. Seems like a stiff penalty to be Deacon Boarded. Wonder if they got any useful information out of her like any names of other “Bitter Terrorists” in the congregation?

  8. I have a possibly peculiar question – does anyone know the identity of that church in the picture? It bears a strong resemblance to one I went to an Easter service at several years back in Lexington, NC, and I am very curious if it is that church.

  9. It is not just fundies. More of a charismatic, but just a few years ago I distinctly heard John Hagee on TV say that: “Christians don’t lie, Christians don’t steal, Christians don’t commit adultery” Heck I have seen pastors do all those things.

    Maybe if you tell yourself something loud enough and often enough without thinking too hard, it will be true even if it isn’t.

  10. I do love the choice of a pink church on a post about those viewing churches through rose colored glasses!

    IDK if that was an intentional visual device or not, but I think it worked.

  11. This post reminds me of my mom. She doesn’t want our unsaved family to hear anything negative about Christians so she wouldn’t tell them that a big reason I left one Christian-school job was mistreatment from the principal. She has no problem absolutely slamming homosexuals (calling lesbians dikes and such) in front of our relatives, however. Gee, Mom, I’m pretty sure they’ve already figured out Christians are far from perfect. :oops:

  12. Darrell….This post reminds me of NVBC. I left a comment on Not Changing At All, for you. Was wondering if you’d consider adding Jack Trieber to the list of Tags? Thx

  13. This post reminds me of a family member. Her MOG requires all women in his church to wear dresses/skirts at all times. When I told her that was ridiculous & wrong of him she defended him by saying her pastor was just looking out for her. She also said it was just a minor inconvenience. :roll:

    When I meet her mog a few months later I was appalled by his behavior. I went to church with her one Sunday. During the adult SS class the bully behind the pulpit demanded that each member stand up and quote that weeks memory verse. If they couldn’t he scold them like they were little children. I was in disbelief that grown adults would cower to him. Finally, when the mog called on the last guy that guy challenged him to quote the verse first! The pastor could not quote the verse!!! Instead he blamed his wife for loosing the paper he wrote the verse on. Come on! Could he not look up the verse in his Bible?

    During the second service the mog got up from his throne chair on the podium and literally shoved aside the song leader as he was leading the congregation. He didn’t like how the song leader was leading the music so he took over! Soon after that, my sister began to beg me to take the gum out of my mouth. She was afraid the mog would call me down from the pulpit for chewing gum. I said, “bring it on!” The pastors wife was sitting in front of us. She over heard the two of us talking and offered me a mint instead of my gum. I kindly declined. The mog never did call me down. Too bad, because I was ready for it!

    1. I understand, Sandra! My former fundy CEO called out a four year old boy from the pulpit by name! It’s still available to hear on their webite. Guess they didn’t feel the need to edit the rant.

    2. Well, a second cousin of mine was expelled from BJU for the unpardonable sin of chewing gum, so consider yourself honored. :wink:

  14. My wife and my mother recently got into it on Facebook about child abuse. When my mother defended abusers, my wife pointed out that she had abused me and my siblings. We got a nasty e-mail from our former youth pastor’s wife telling us that we had “aired our dirty laundry in public” and that we needed to keep those sorts of things in the family because no one else needs to know.

    So, yes, the kind of thing Darrell is parodying here is alive and well!

    1. It’s all about keeping up appearances for them, as if they never read Jesus’ comments about Pharisees keeping a cup clean out the outside only.

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