And when it shall come to pass that thou and thy kindred and thy manservants and maidservants (or “church staff” as they are now called) shall think upon the good old days that thou shalt in no wise remember the bad things that have happened and remember only the good. For in the day that thou shalt call to mind any scandal or heresy or really funny blooper committed by a fundamentalist then shalt it be known that thou art bitter and “stuck living in the past.” And they shall shake their heads at thee and their tsking sounds of displeasure shall be loud in thine ears.
But if thou shalt recall only those things that are good, and funny, and that one time when we had a great time at that youth outing playing Chubby Bunny then shalt it be said that thou art right and just and a real good sport. And nobody shall in any case accuse thee of being a rabid sycophant who is obsessed with days gone by nor shall they tell that thou needest to just move on with thy life and probably go soulwinning more or something. For to remember only the good is the best choice of all.
And if thy church or thy college or thy family or thy fundy friends hath lied to thee or stolen from thee or done thee grievous injury then what is the big deal? Shalt thou dwell upon it for all time? Are not there lost people who need rescuing from the very fires of hell this moment? Nay, if thou value thy fundy cred and thy very soul thou shalt join the happy few who have decided that bad things never actually happened and that the good times were extra especially amazing.
So shalt thou rewrite the past and move on with thy life and thy manservants and thy maidservants and their children’s children shall rise up and call thee blessed (if a bit clueless).
Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, p 97
And when it shall come to pass that thy loins shall have born fruit and that the size of thy household shall greatly increase that then shalt thou heed the words of the commandments concerning how thy children shall behave when there’s anybody watching. And of the church and the restaurant and of the grocery store thou shalt strike into thy child a great fear and overwhelming dread for in these places thy children’s behavior shall be as thy own testimony as a parent and everyone is watching.
Beware, for in that day when it shall come to pass that they child shall be loud or whine or be in any way stubborn in resisting thy commands then shall the entire world know that thou are a BAD PARENT and thy shame shall be upon thee. For nobody in the real world has ever had one of their own children act up or misbehave or talk back and they shall in anywise believe that thou art not a true Christian and thy testimony of the tract thou shalt hand them shall be ruined and their eternal soul shall be forever lost. And what’s worse, if thou art a missionary family you might lose support.
And so shalt thou do, that thou shalt take unto thyself a rod or a board, or a wooden spoon and thou shalt keep it in thy car so that thou mayest invite thy child to “go have a talk in the car” with thee if she shall misbehave.But thou shalt in anywise keep the secret of thy discipline from the public for when Child Protective Services gets involved, things becometh yea verily a mess. So shalt thy hide the implements of destruction from plain sight and only thou and thy children shall know what pain lieth in wait for them if they screw up.
And if someone shall enquire as to the secret of how thy eight children doth sit quietly without speaking at thy local Denny’s then shalt thou simply smile and say “We try to raise our children to glorify God” and forgo to mention exactly how that works. For of the making of sausages and of always perfectly behaved children people may like the result but they never really want to know the process of how they are made.
Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, p 95
And when it shall come to pass that two fine young fundamentalists of opposite sex shall have have completed their dating or courtship or purchase or whichever biblical method their pastor hath decreed, that they shall have a fundamentalist wedding. And the observance of this wedding shall be on thus wise…
The bride shall adorn herself with yard and yards of fabric so that nary a square inch of bare skin shall be visible to the naked eye, neither the skin of her arm, nor her bosom, nor the cleavage between her toes shall in anywise be on display lest the congregation be forced to pluck out their eyes in unison upon her entrance. The groom can wear whatever he wants.
And the music shall be that of the strings and the organ and the piano for nothing says “I love you forever” like the lyrical stylings of the great Ron Hamilton, may his tribe increase and his wiggle worms be ever squashable. And when the strains of “Your Forever” shall play upon the instruments then shall the women of the congregation dab their eyes with a hanky and say “how sweet!” and never mind that the theology is really terrible and sounds vaguely Mormon.
And the preacher shall wax long and loud in giving his challenge to the newly married people and shall spare not to air all of his pet peeves such as unwed mothers, gay marriage and income taxes. And in doing so he shall establish that the most important person in this wedding is definitely himself. So shall it ever be.
And after the vows and songs and smooching there shall be a reception held in the church gymnasium. And of the reception there shall in no case be wine served for Jesus would not approve. Neither shall there be upbeat music which might lead to dancing lest someone mistake this for an actual celebration. Also, it’s a lot cheaper.
And when the time shall come that the bride and groom shall depart then shall the congregation of those present breathe a happy sigh and speculate on whether it shall be 9 or 10 months from now that their first child shall appear depending on how long it takes them to figure things out. And all shall rejoice that another fundy man has gathered to himself an helpmeet for to serve him all the days of his life. Amen.
Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, pp. 401-402
And when it shall come to pass that you shall be at a gathering of the wicked and someone shall offer unto thee a beer, or wine, or any strong drink thou shalt in no wise simply say “No, thank you.” For this shall be a unto thee a perfect time to let thy fundy flag fly and to smite those sinners in the ear with thy rantings of how thou dost not imbibe yea verily because it is wicked and thou knowest it well for thy pastor hath told thee that the Bible tells him so. Thou shalt in any wise lift up thy voice in testimony to thy standards.
And when it shall come to pass that thy children are out with thee at the supermarket and the cashier shall inquire if the fruit of thy loins have seen the most recent animated feature in the theater (which her godless children dearly loved) that thou shalt instruct this vile temptress that the theater is a place of pure evil such that no true believer must darken its already dark halls. Then thou shalt enquire if she knowest if it is coming out on DVD so that thou mightest buy it and watch it in thy home instead. And in so doing that shalt show her that there are true Christians left in the world who have not bowed their knee to Baal.
And when it shall come to pass that they coworkers shall say a word that is crude, or profane, or obscene or in a foreign tongue that thou shalt in anywise rebuke them soundly and tell them that thine ears cannot stand to ever heard such language because the stain of it shall be in thy heart and in thy soul and be muttered under thy breath when thou growest old. Yea, verily thou shalt make a right prat of thyself at every available opportunity and and also condemn them for whatever sins thou hearest discussed and in so doing thou shalt be light in their eyes and salt in their wounds.
For when thou hast done all these things then shall the heathen know that thou art a Christian and that thou hast standards that are lofty above their own and they shall be without excuse in the great day of judgment. Also, thou shalt probably end up eating all your lunches alone in the company cafeteria.
Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, p 94
And concerning God’s Will thou shalt strive with all diligence to figure out where it is hiding and stand in the perfect center of it. And thou shalt accomplish this task with all fear and trembling for one false step shall surely mean utter destruction of thee and all thine house and thy little dog too.
And when thou abidest in God’s will thou shall in any wise take care that thou not scooch up over on the side nearby the edge or lollygag over on the left side of it nor take field trips over to the right. For if thou takest but one small step to the right or the left thou shalt land right smack dab in the permissive will of God and this is confusion of heart and will land thee in a heap of trouble.
And even if thou shalt be in the perfect center and not in the permissive nor yet standing outside it where the Presbyterians freely roam, thou shalt still spend many weary hours second guessing and agonizing over the one thou shalt marry, and the school thou shalt attend, and on which street thou shalt soulwin. For the Lord doth dearly love to play head games with thee and then chuckle at thy missteps.
And if it shall come to pass that thou know not at all the will of God, thou shalt seek it out from the Holy Spirit. And for thy convenience the Holy Spirit hath taken residence inside the leadership of thy local New Testament Independent Fundamental Bible Believing Baptist Church and thou mayest ask the leadership what the Spirit sayeth on any matter they shall be more than happy to tell thee.
Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, p 15