Tag Archives: IBBERR

Commandments Concerning The Start of A Bible College

For when it shall come to pass that thou shalt have spread thy seed and grown a church and hast watered it and fertilized it with such manure as is meet then shalt thou consider the words of this commandment to begin the work of a Bible College. For if thou desirest to be a real somebody and a household name wherever such of thy ilk are spoken of then thou must possess an institution of learning wherewith to train young minds and subvert old ones. Also it doth mean you’ll always have lots of young women around which is never a bad thing.

And the naming of thy college shall be a simple task for thou shalt simply name it for thyself. And when thy son and thy son’s son shall inherit all thy kingdom then shall everybody know that they too are in charge since their name is on everything. So shall thine heritage never depart from the earth as it is written “how majestic is your name.” And so it is.

And when thou has chosen the perfect spot for thy college in the church basement and hath stocked its classrooms with end-time charts and books that thou hast written and published thineself then shalt thou make the biggest decision of all: The Issue. For The Issue shall be thine meal ticket which shall give thee a way to declare that all the other fundamentalist colleges everywhere in the world (except those run by thy cronies) are godless, heathen, wicked, and apostate. But thou shalt need to decide quickly because most of the good ones are already taken.

And if thou shalt heed the words which are in this book and shalt never cease to use the rightful tools of guilt and fear and the worship of men then shalt thy days be prosperous and thy school shall have good success. And as thy students graduate after a couple years of courses and go out to start churches of their own then shall thy fame go out throughout the land. And then you will have your reward.

But be warned. One of those young men may himself want to start a bible college…

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, p 49-50

Commandments Concerning Election Season

And when it shall come to pass that another four years has come and gone and the season shall again turn to the selection of a new President that thou shalt surely gird up thy loins and quit thee like men to stand against hordes of evil, humanism, and socialism. And thou shalt campaign for God’s Choice of candidate with thy every waking moment. For God sits on His sovereign throne directing all things by the will of his power…but it’s the government who can raise your taxes and take your guns away.

And thou shalt craft thy sermons with care, drawing liberally (but not the bad kind) from the stories of Israel’s triumph and thereby destroying thine own made up rules about dispensations. Thou shalt cry aloud against the forces of liberalism (the bad kind) will be the very death of everything that is good and just and right. And in the day that the men (and maybe even a few women if God can’t find any men first) with the R behind their names are seated in power then will the windows of heaven open and our cattle shall be fat and our menservants and maidservants shall be many. And then shall all the congregation of the people know that God’s blessing and sovereignty is totally dependent on politics.

And when thou hast entered thy voting chamber and shut thy door, then shall thou harken to obey the voice of the commandment which was given aforetime that thy days may be long upon the earth. For to the candidates of the filthy Democrat and of the pot-loving Libertarian and of the new-agey Green thou shalt not pull the lever, neither shalt thou even glance in their direction. The fate of the country is totally and completely in your hands. And God’s too, I guess.

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, p 128

Commandments Concerning Times Of Prayer

And when it shall come to pass that thou shalt eat thy breakfast or begin any trip or shall be called upon to “close us out in a word of prayer” by thy pastor (if thou shalt be lucky enough to not be a women) that thou shalt heed the words which are written in this book that thy prayers and thy fundy cred be not hindered.

For when thou prayest thou shalt in no wise use words that have ever been used before in a prayer. For God shall only hear and answer prayers that are as different from each other as one snowflake is from another. And in the day that thou shalt use a prayer that has been ever said or written then shalt the Lord tell you that he’s already heard this one and ignore you as if you were a tattooed heathen or an Episcopalian.

And if when thou prayest thou shouldest have a creative lapse wherin thou canst not think of what to say next then shalt thou throw in the word “Lord” as a filler. For the Lord doth dearly love to hear his name used as punctuation and never wearies of it. And if thou art really stuck adding a few “Father God’s” or “Good God Almighty’s” might work too.

For when Our Lord taught his disciples to pray he gave them only an outline example which he never really expected them to use except as they might modifying it extemporaneously with much verbal clutter and a meandering purpose. Go and do thou likewise.

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, p 3

Commandments Concerning Preparations For The End Of Days

And when it shall come to pass that evil men and seducers shall wax worse and worse and that whirlwind shall be spotted in the thorn tree that thou shalt verily take heed to the words of this game plan for the Apocalypse. For if thou shalt study to do all that is commanded here then thou shalt verily persevere (but not in a Calvinist way) until the Rapture doth come for to carry you home before the really gnarly stuff goes down.

And thou shalt verily harken unto the words of thy leaders and trade in thy paper fiat monies for coins of gold and of silver and of precious stones. So shalt thou gather unto thyself treasure on earth and lock it in state of the art moth-proof and rust-proof and thief-proof containers. And thou shalt also gather unto thyself firearms and bullets for to protect these treasures from those who might think they need them more than thou dost. For there is no such thing as too much gold or too many guns.

For verily perilous times shall come when men shall think it good to persecute the church with strong language and tax codes and snarky jokes about Christians on prime time basic cable. Then shalt thou gird up thy loins and make thy tents ready for departure and flee as a bird to your mountain state wherein thou shalt live as people did aforetime by growing your own food, shooting your own bad guys, and having the woods for thy sanitation.

And when thou has set thyself upon thy hill and has raised thy barricades and formed thy militia and set by thee thy five year supply of freeze dried lasagna then shalt thou know of a certain that thou mayest withstand whatever the beast and false prophet and great whore can throw at you. As it is written “do not be anxious about anything” and again “cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength” and further “Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.” And thou mayest ponder why you ran so far away if you weren’t supposed be scared of anything. While thou art at it, thou mayest also ponder how exactly you’re supposed reach the lost if they’re locked outside your fort.

(Alternatively, if you’re a semi-famous pastor and former Presidential candidate you could just take all your church’s money and leave your flock high and dry by running away to start a survivalist cult in Montana. Or so I would imagine if I were speaking theoretically.)

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, p 297

Rules Concerning Online Discussions

And when it shall come to pass that thou shalt gird up thy loins and dial up thy service provider with thy modem wherewith to spread the Gospel via e-mail forwards that are almost certainly true, that thou shalt take heed undo the words of this book to follow its commandments for thine own Internet safety. For in the day that thou shalt let thy mouse finger issue an errant click, thou shalt certainly be in a whole heap of trouble.

Knowing this that the World Wide Web is a pit of sore evil and is full of scoffers and mockers and King James deniers and even such as will claim that the old paths could really use some repaving. Thou shalt not read their blogs, or surf their pages, or look at them on the Twitter for they shall surely turn thy heart away from The Truth as was given to thee by thy pastor in his books (which are available on a table in the back of the auditorium after every service).

And if thou shalt be a goodly man and a brave soul such as is fit to do battle forces of liberalism and darkness then thou mayest leave comments and replies on the blogs and websites of scoffers but thou shalt in no wise stay for long for we don’t really do much actual dialog with people in general. And if thou shalt start a blog or a website wherein thou shalt uphold the standards of thy fathers and smite the wicked with clever words and creative spelling then thou shalt not in any case allow those enemies of the old time bible preaching soul winning way to comment or discuss whatsoever thou shalt write.

For in the day that thou shalt start “a dialog” and allow such manner of folk to use “logic” and present thee with trick questions and clever defenses of their sinful lack of standards and liberal lifestyles then shalt thy foot slip in due time and thou shalt begin to doubt. And then we shall all be forced to write blog posts about thee and will not hear thy entreating to allow thee to explain and shall delete thy forum memberships and ban thy posts.

For dissent is the unpardonable sin and an open and honest discussion is like unto it.

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, Appendix I.