Tag Archives: Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements

Rules Concerning Online Discussions

And when it shall come to pass that thou shalt gird up thy loins and dial up thy service provider with thy modem wherewith to spread the Gospel via e-mail forwards that are almost certainly true, that thou shalt take heed undo the words of this book to follow its commandments for thine own Internet safety. For in the day that thou shalt let thy mouse finger issue an errant click, thou shalt certainly be in a whole heap of trouble.

Knowing this that the World Wide Web is a pit of sore evil and is full of scoffers and mockers and King James deniers and even such as will claim that the old paths could really use some repaving. Thou shalt not read their blogs, or surf their pages, or look at them on the Twitter for they shall surely turn thy heart away from The Truth as was given to thee by thy pastor in his books (which are available on a table in the back of the auditorium after every service).

And if thou shalt be a goodly man and a brave soul such as is fit to do battle forces of liberalism and darkness then thou mayest leave comments and replies on the blogs and websites of scoffers but thou shalt in no wise stay for long for we don’t really do much actual dialog with people in general. And if thou shalt start a blog or a website wherein thou shalt uphold the standards of thy fathers and smite the wicked with clever words and creative spelling then thou shalt not in any case allow those enemies of the old time bible preaching soul winning way to comment or discuss whatsoever thou shalt write.

For in the day that thou shalt start “a dialog” and allow such manner of folk to use “logic” and present thee with trick questions and clever defenses of their sinful lack of standards and liberal lifestyles then shalt thy foot slip in due time and thou shalt begin to doubt. And then we shall all be forced to write blog posts about thee and will not hear thy entreating to allow thee to explain and shall delete thy forum memberships and ban thy posts.

For dissent is the unpardonable sin and an open and honest discussion is like unto it.

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, Appendix I.

Commandments Concerning God’s Will

And concerning God’s Will thou shalt strive with all diligence to figure out where it is hiding and stand in the perfect center of it. And thou shalt accomplish this task with all fear and trembling for one false step shall surely mean utter destruction of thee and all thine house and thy little dog too.

And when thou abidest in God’s will thou shall in any wise take care that thou not scooch up over on the side nearby the edge or lollygag over on the left side of it nor take field trips over to the right. For if thou takest but one small step to the right or the left thou shalt land right smack dab in the permissive will of God and this is confusion of heart and will land thee in a heap of trouble.

And even if thou shalt be in the perfect center and not in the permissive nor yet standing outside it where the Presbyterians freely roam, thou shalt still spend many weary hours second guessing and agonizing over the one thou shalt marry, and the school thou shalt attend, and on which street thou shalt soulwin. For the Lord doth dearly love to play head games with thee and then chuckle at thy missteps.

And if it shall come to pass that thou know not at all the will of God, thou shalt seek it out from the Holy Spirit. And for thy convenience the Holy Spirit hath taken residence inside the leadership of thy local New Testament Independent Fundamental Bible Believing Baptist Church and thou mayest ask the leadership what the Spirit sayeth on any matter they shall be more than happy to tell thee.

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, p 15