Commandments Concerning Weddings

And when it shall come to pass that two fine young fundamentalists of opposite sex shall have have completed their dating or courtship or purchase or whichever biblical method their pastor hath decreed, that they shall have a fundamentalist wedding. And the observance of this wedding shall be on thus wise…

The bride shall adorn herself with yard and yards of fabric so that nary a square inch of bare skin shall be visible to the naked eye, neither the skin of her arm, nor her bosom, nor the cleavage between her toes shall in anywise be on display lest the congregation be forced to pluck out their eyes in unison upon her entrance. The groom can wear whatever he wants.

And the music shall be that of the strings and the organ and the piano for nothing says “I love you forever” like the lyrical stylings of the great Ron Hamilton, may his tribe increase and his wiggle worms be ever squashable. And when the strains of “Your Forever” shall play upon the instruments then shall the women of the congregation dab their eyes with a hanky and say “how sweet!” and never mind that the theology is really terrible and sounds vaguely Mormon.

And the preacher shall wax long and loud in giving his challenge to the newly married people and shall spare not to air all of his pet peeves such as unwed mothers, gay marriage and income taxes. And in doing so he shall establish that the most important person in this wedding is definitely himself. So shall it ever be.

And after the vows and songs and smooching there shall be a reception held in the church gymnasium. And of the reception there shall in no case be wine served for Jesus would not approve. Neither shall there be upbeat music which might lead to dancing lest someone mistake this for an actual celebration. Also, it’s a lot cheaper.

And when the time shall come that the bride and groom shall depart then shall the congregation of those present breathe a happy sigh and speculate on whether it shall be 9 or 10 months from now that their first child shall appear depending on how long it takes them to figure things out. And all shall rejoice that another fundy man has gathered to himself an helpmeet for to serve him all the days of his life. Amen.

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, pp. 401-402

185 thoughts on “Commandments Concerning Weddings”

  1. From george’s friend Dinky:

    Now ya’ll ought not be a-being so mean about Independent Baptist Pastors at weddins. I love my pastor, Pastor Brother Pud Hornball. He is the most lovin and givin man on God’s green earth and that’s the truth. I remember the day he came to preach in our little town. Seems they was this Adult Film crew that come to our parts to do some filmin’ and Brother Pud heard about it. He came in with a bullhorn and his trusty Black Leather, King James, Scofield Bible an commenced to preachin hell hot sermons outside the Dew Drop Inn where’s they was a shootin that there Porno flick.

    Them Porno folk couldn’t do any filmin while he was a preachin so when they saw him out there workin up such an awful sweat they invied him in to cool off and have some Ice tea. That was the wrong thing ta do cause Brother Pud got in there and then got to shoutin and prayin, and folks started getting saved and Revival broke out right there at the Dew Drop Inn. It was a glorious thing. In fact Brother Pud shut down the piano bar and converted it into our church. The spirit was a movin, sinners were bein saved an for 10 weeks Brother Pud stood and preached hell hot sermons on sin, and agin’ pornography, and the internet, and wimmin wearin pants. It was a wonder to behold him a shoutin and his flamin’ red hair getting’ all mussed up when he started running the aisle and shoutin.

    But I love him for what he done fer me. He innerduced me ta Miss Sindie Ramjet one of them there porno stars that he saved there in that room that day. She was just 18 and had been caught in that life of sin fore he saved her. Come to find out, her real name was Billie Jean Obermyer. He said we’d make the perfect couple. And you know he was right! And the change that has come over BJ is just amazin! She is the most holy woman you could ever meat. She only wears denim jumpers and long sleeve shirts (to cover her tattoos) and he is constantly prayin for folks. Why the other day some feller in the store recognized her from her past and she put him on the straight-n-narrow right real fast! She took him back in the stock room and got down on her knees and began prayin and the next thing I know he was shouting “Glory!” and she must of asked him if he wanted to be saved cause he shouted, “Oh YES!” I have never seen a man with such a look of peace when they left prayin in that store room.

    Just last year Brother Pud married me and Billie Jean (as you already know I call her BJ for short) Brother Pud says it reminds him of when he went through Bob Jones University. I just love that man. Anyways, he married us and it was a beautiful weddin. Readin this post brought back so many memories. But I gotta tell ya’ll about the miracle that has taken place. 21 weeks after we got married BJ gave birth to a boy. He is the cutest little thaing and he is a miracle I tell ya. I had gone to talk with Brother Pud a couple of weeks before he introduced me to BJ and told him how hard things had been for me and how I had suffered several years ago with a terrible case of the Mumps and how they had fallin and how I like to a died. He prayed with me that day and it was like being in the presence of the host of angels. He said good things were gonna come my way.

    Right after that he innerduced me to BJ and six weeks later we was married. He said he wanted to have a special prayer session with her fore we went on our honeymoon so he could bless our union and that we might have many children. I told him I didn’t see how that would ever happen given my condition. He just smiled and said, “The Lord works in strange and mysterious way, his wonders to perform.” And you know sumthin? He was right! We named our little boy Dinky “Pud” Johnson. “Pud” in honor of the preacher who is such a blessin to us. And you know sumthin else? The Lord honored the Pastor’s prayin for us by givin’ our little feller a head of flamin red hair. Ain’t god Good?!

    I’ll let you folks know just how good he is, Three weeks ago Pastor Pud said the Lord had revealed to him that he needed to have another special prayer meeting with BJ. They did and it must have been glorious cause I could hear them all the way out in the parking lot callin out to god and shouting “Glory” and having a tremendous time in the spirit. I tell you the honest truth when we got home she told me that it was the deepest religious experience she had ever had. She said that she had been so moved that she thought we should move our quarterly “special night” up to that evening . (I had a religious experience of my own) and you know what? Betcha can’t guess. That’s right! BJ is expectin again! It’s a miracle I tell ya, a true miracle. And that’s all I got to say about Independent Baptist preachers and weddins.

    1. Hil-freakin’-larious!!! :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

      Guy sorta reminds me of Dale on King of the Hill. Never had a clue!

    2. Excellent work, sir! I’m kind of surprised that BJ Obermeyer wasn’t referred to as B-JOb though.

        1. Seems that after Brother Pud saved her in a special soulwinning crusade they now call her Bobby Job (like in the Bible, with a long ‘O’ sound).

        2. I’m guessing brother Pud likes to “save her” several nights a week, discreetly in a private room where they can pray loudly as described. Lol

  2. And when the time shall come that the bride and groom shall depart then shall the congregation of those present breathe a happy sigh and speculate on whether it shall be 9 or 10 months from now that their first child shall appear depending on how long it takes them to figure things out.

    I kid you not, 9 months after being married my wife and I kept getting asked when we would have a baby. Our answer was “Whenever the Lord wants us to.” Undeterred, the IFB congregation repeated this question every Sunday until came up with a new approach. Now, whenever someone asks this question for the upteenth time, I answer, “As far as we know, we can’t have children (which may actually be the case, but it’s none of their business and it shuts them up).

    1. If you really wanna offend them, tell them you’ve been aborting regularly till you are ready for kids. That should get you out of fundyland permanently. 😈 👿

  3. Oh man. My cousins were all married in fundy ceremonies. Snooze. It also meant ugly, overly “modest” bridesmaids dresses. And no dancing. Honestly, it offends me for the couple that fundy pastors, et al, make the wedding ceremony just another church service.

    My sister, on the other hand, hand a very non-fundy wedding in which we walked down the aisle in dresses that would never pass to instrumental Queen and Coldplay, the ceremony was all about them and had no “gospel sermon,” my sister offered a set of vows to my brother-in-law’s three year old son, and we all recessed to “All You Need is Love.” There was also dancing. It was a true celebration, not just church sermon with fancier clothes.

  4. I can see her bare arms in that wedding picture…isn’t that immodest??? LOL!!!!! I was told by my former IFB preacher’s wife that the ONLY proper sex for the Saved/Born Again Christian was penis to vagina….oral sex and anal sex was a sin!!!!!! Anything outside of penis to vagina was considered Satan’s counterfeit for Godly Sex…..YEP…..this woman even called the woman in the church and asked them what they did with their husbands in the privacy of their own bedrooms!!!! 🙄

  5. As someone who suffered for a short time in a Fundyland church, let me say I’m glad I didn’t get married there. I’ve been attending a nice moderate Baptist church in the town I go to college in, but went to a fundy church back in my home town. My husband and I got married at our moderate baptist church, had a reception at the college, and then danced. I invited my fundy pastor, and several other members of that church who were tipping off the crazy fundy scale. I wish I could have heard what they had to say about my wedding after they left 😀 Oh, and I wore a strapless dress too.

    1. “Just Burned My KJV”: You should have given it to me instead of burning it. Other people would want God’s truth to sanctify them. Leaving fundy land doesn’t include burning God’s word.

      1. I hope you give a similar warning to the IFB pastors who rip up, throw, burn, and otherwise mangle other versions to make a point to their congregations.

        The disrespect those men show is reprehensible.

      2. It’s a metaphor. I didn’t actually burn a Bible. Come on 😛 I own several KJVs.

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