And when it shall come to pass that the invitation which never closes has once again been opened and the hymn shall be sung at length and the penitent shall walk the sinner’s trail down to the old fashioned altar that then shall he be led by the appropriate gender of altar worker in The Sinner’s Prayer. And the commandments concerning the praying of the prayer shall be thus…
The praying of The Prayer shall in any wise be preceded by The Question in which the altar worker shall inquire as to the reason for the sinner’s approach to the altar and establish whether he is a first-timer or a repeat customer. But as to the answer to the Question it matters not at all for the next step is the same either way.
And the altar worker shall in all cases provide the sinner with the correct words of The Prayer to say — for this is good and acceptable and not at all like those other memorized prayers the Catholics use. For The Sinner’s Prayer can in no wise be attempted by the penitent alone lest he fumble the words and lack a vital phrase and the Holy Ghost become wroth with Him and cast his soul into the outer darkness wherein dwell Presbyterians and other creeping things.
And even if the penitent shall claim to have prayed the prayer at his seat, he shall with all haste be made to say it again in front of at least one witness and then sign his confession for the record. For we know that a sinner cannot be trusted with The Prayer, since it is a big deal.
And if any person shall be so bold as to ask if anyone in the Bible ever prayed a prayer to “get saved” then shall they be labeled a troublemaker and be asked to say The Prayer themselves a few times for they are obviously in great need of it.
Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, pp 11-12.
Likewise also let your women observe these commandments which were given aforetime by our fathers and keep them with all shamefacedness (once you look it up and find out what that is) that they sin not in the adorning of themselves with jewels and precious metals or whatever poor substitutes they can afford on a full-time ministry salary.
And if it shall enter thy heart to wear jewelry upon thy head, thou shalt in any wise wear an earring, for this is the jewelry that hath been sanctified and the piercing of ear lobe flesh is no big deal to us. However, of the piercing of the ear, the number of the piercings in thy ear lobe shall be only one hole. But if thou are hard of heart and care not about thy testimony, you may have a maximum of two holes in thy lobe but that is really pushing it. But any piercing in thy ear that is not of the lobe is completely out of the question and I can’t believe you would even ask, you brazen hussy.
And the adorning of the nose and the lip and the eye brow and various and sundry places about thy person which we are far too tasteful to spell out, thou shalt in no wise do it. For we do not wish people to mistake you for a godless heathen from Seattle or a CCM singer. And why wouldst thou adorn thy navel with gold and silver and precious stones unless thou plan to put it on display at some point? This is abomination in our sight and grave wickedness.
And of the adorning of the feet we give this command: don’t. For the chain and the bracelet that ensnare thy limb and the rings that shall encircle thy little piggies are the very wiles of Satan to draw away men’s hearts. And it shall come to pass that if a man gaze upon your feet, then shall his eyes inevitably head northward and shall be smitten with the allure of thy culottes and nothing good shall in any wise possibly come of this.
And thou shalt be allowed a wedding ring and perhaps one or two other rings but don’t get all wild and crazy with it lest we be wroth with thee and talk about thee behind thy back at the church picnic. For in all these commandments we do strive to bring unity, and circumspection, and show the world that we are true Christians. For as our Lord said, by these list of rules shall all men known that ye are my disciples.
Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, page 191
And when it shall come to pass that any sinner shall have prayed the prayer and signed the card and received the right hand of fellowship, if he is a goodly youth and fair to look upon then shall he be shuffled off into a discipleship course wherein he shall learn to observe to do all of the commandments of this book. (and if he is a bus kid then shall he be told “God bless you and we’ll see you next Sunday” and handed an award Bible so he can hopefully teach himself).
And the recently ex-sinner shall be trained with all diligence in the doctrines of hairology and musicology and shall learn how to identify which other Christians are the enemy from afar off. And he shall be given this book of rules wherewith to make his heart tremble and when he shall remark as to how many works of righteousness are required in this free salvation then shall the discipler smile and say “gotcha!” and then begin to talk about tithing.
And the discipler shall stoke the fires of the disciple’s enthusiasm and make the disciple to practice his soulwinning technique at every available opportunity, sparing not to yell the good news at passing cars or share it with telemarketers who will wish they had never called. And the disciple shall grow in wisdom and stature and shall learn how to properly yell “amen!” and raise his hand in the correct gospel salute. And the pastor shall look upon him and mention him in a sermon illustration about people who are “on fire for God” and the disciple’s heart shall rejoice with much gladness for he is now a made man.
And when the days of his discipleship shall be complete, the disciple shall himself compass sea and land to make a proselyte, and when he is made, he shall be twofold more the fundamentalist than was his discipler before him.
Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, page 6
And in the wearing of Jewelry, men shalt observe theÂ commandment which were given aforetime by thy fathers and shalt keep them with all due diligence, deference, and decorum.
And if thou art a male of the species thy jewelry shall be of these…
A wedding ring may adorn thy hand or perhaps a purity ring given thee by thy mother in a strange and terrible ceremony. A class ring from thy local fundamentalist university may also be displayed up to and including the ring that thou made for thyself after completing the requirements for a home college degree.
A watch may band thy wrist so that thou mayest take it off when preaching before the face of the congregation that they may know that thou are pretending to care if thy sermon ends sometime before kickoff.
A tie clip of gold or silver shall be permitted to restrain thy neckware from falling into Mrs. Allen’s famous green been casserole at the dinner on the grounds. Likewise a tie tack or lapel pin may be worn with the bearer receiving extra points if it is patriotic in nature.
But of the chain and the bracelet and the earring and the piercing thou shalt not wear for they are an abomination before our sight and do not fulfill our expectations for what good Christian men should look like. For in the day that thou piercest thy flesh or puttest on chains of gold thou hast brought confusion upon the genders and hast caused people to wonder whether thou art a man or a woman or (depending on the ear) possibly gay.
For in the book of Holy Scripture no man wore such jewelry except for all those men in the Old Testament who obviously wore quite a bit of it since they had it lying around to give to build the temple and whatnot.
Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, page 190
And when the time shall come upon thee that thou shalt be blessed with the radiant presence of a GUEST SPEAKER then that shalt surely introduce him before the face of all the congregation that they might marvel before the greatness of his countenance and the sizableness of his church’s Sunday School attendance. This shalt thou do without fail for thou shall also be a GUEST SPEAKER someday and wilt need the favor returned.
And thou shalt raise thy voice aloud and long and tell of all the wondrous works of the GUEST SPEAKER with great praise of people he has saved, building funds he has gathered in, and liberals he has smitten with great smiting. And the people shall be suitably impressed and gather to have the word of his name writ upon their textus recepi.
And thou shalt not fail in extolling the many academic accomplishments of the GUEST SPEAKER making long mention of his degrees and accolades from various and sundry institutions of fundamentalist learning. But thou shalt in no wise use the words “unearned” or “honorary” or make mention of the fact that the greatest legitimate academic accomplishment of the GUEST SPEAKER‘s career is writing a curriculum to teach dispensationalism to 3rd grade Sunday School classes.
But whatever thou dost, leave some wiggle room in thy endorsement because thou may need to separate thyself from him someday and then thou shalt need to disavow ever really liking him in the first place.
And when thou has finished thou shalt in any wise give the invitation “Now, come and give us whatever God has laid on your heart.”
Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, pp 42-43