Tag Archives: IBBERR

Bible Conference

The keeping of the yearly Bible Conference shall be on thus-wise:

At such time when the spirit shall move and make utterance to you through unvoiced urges and rumblings, ye shall schedule the yearly church Bible Conference. And if this scheduling should coincidently happen to coincide with when most kids are having Spring Break that can hardly be the fault of the pastor or church leadership for the Spirit did ordain it — so don’t whine at me about it.

And the Bible Conference shall be apart and aside from the Missions Conference, and Prophecy Conference, and Women’s Conference and not overlap them. However, the speakers from those may be used again so long as they are not the women who spoke at the Women’s Conference, bless their dear hearts, for they shall instead make casseroles for the covered dish suppers that will precede each meeting.

And all church members whether great or small shall attend each and every service of the Bible Conference for the call for everyone to be ‘here and in their place’ may not be disobeyed on pain of dirty looks and being used in an awkward sermon illustration.  And each who attends shall bring his Bible for it shall be inspected by the speaker after he shall give the command “If you have your bible tonight please hold it up.”

And the theme of the Bible Conference must consist of a paring of the date and a phrase that almost rhymes with it if slightly slurred such as “Let’s Stay Awake in 1998” or “Rapture Ready in 2080.” This shall be printed upon a banner to be displayed at the front of the church building and this banner shall verily be made of tractor-feed paper along with some clip-art obtained from a pirated copy of WordPerfect.

But woe unto you if you allow the theme of the conference distract any speaker from his given mission of preaching on whatever he wants for verily we are not high-church nor to we have anything do with their kind. And the preacher shall wax long and cry aloud sparing not to leave preaching and go to meddling at every opportunity about whatsoever sin shall really have ticked the preacher off this past week.

And the last night of the conference shall be the night of awards for those who have coerced the most people to attend or memorized the most verses or have brought the best casserole . And their rewards shall be great for they shall receive a gift Bible from the church bookstore having a market value of $6.99. And it shall be revealed before the eyes of the whole congregation that this is the most the actual Bible has been involved in the Bible Conference all week.

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, pp 30-31