And when it shall come to pass that any sinner shall have prayed the prayer and signed the card and received the right hand of fellowship, if he is a goodly youth and fair to look upon then shall he be shuffled off into a discipleship course wherein he shall learn to observe to do all of the commandments of this book. (and if he is a bus kid then shall he be told “God bless you and we’ll see you next Sunday” and handed an award Bible so he can hopefully teach himself).

And the recently ex-sinner shall be trained with all diligence in the doctrines of hairology and musicology and shall learn how to identify which other Christians are the enemy from afar off. And he shall be given this book of rules wherewith to make his heart tremble and when he shall remark as to how many works of righteousness are required in this free salvation then shall the discipler smile and say “gotcha!” and then begin to talk about tithing.

And the discipler shall stoke the fires of the disciple’s enthusiasm and make the disciple to practice his soulwinning technique at every available opportunity, sparing not to yell the good news at passing cars or share it with telemarketers who will wish they had never called. And the disciple shall grow in wisdom and stature and shall learn how to properly yell “amen!” and raise his hand in the correct gospel salute. And the pastor shall look upon him and mention him in a sermon illustration about people who are “on fire for God” and the disciple’s heart shall rejoice with much gladness for he is now a made man.

And when the days of his discipleship shall be complete, the disciple shall himself compass sea and land to make a proselyte, and when he is made, he shall be twofold more the fundamentalist than was his discipler before him.

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, page 6

76 thoughts on “Discipleship”

  1. Ouch. TOO accurate.

    The “since be ME (not God) were you save, therefore like me you must become” mentality has just gotta die. 😕

    1. yes, the proverbial “I’m your FATHER in the lord” now I will guide you into all truth, Holy Spirit not required…

      1. Say it’s not so! Em, a nice girl like you… was one of them? Oh, the inhumanity! Did HAC know you were doing that? Or were you doing it for HAC? (please don’t tell me you were doing that for HAC?? 🙁 ) Still luv ya anyway. 😀 😉

        1. Lol I’m sure IamHisBeloved can also tell you that many of the women at HAC had to work at a telemarketing place called ‘Americall’ to pay for college. Evidently, the men in the college were smart enough to work jobs on their own, but women’s jobs had to be approved. It was a form of slow-torture.

        2. Wow, talk about requiring a pound of flesh …

          I’d rather clean sewers than work as a telemarketer.

    1. Yes, unfortunately all the bus ministries I have see were despised by the church in general and only existed so that said church could avoid accusations of being closed-minded or unloving.

      If you came in on a bus, there was a stigma and a prejudice against you that was as easy to get rid of as leprosy. 🙁

      This selective neglect is what happens when the purpose and motivation for going out into the world is self-centered or ministry-centered, rather then Christ-centered and redemptive.

  2. …and the disciple shall, in every sermon, give homage to the “great man of God that helped me grow into the great man of God that I am today.” The discipler shall then respond, “all glory goes to God who made me the great, awesome, beautiful, and theologically astute man of God that I am.”

  3. And if the ex-sinner is a female and is beautiful to look upon, she shall be groomed to become the wife of the disciple and in due time she shall be introduced to him in order that a marriage shall ensue. (And if she is ugly or too old or a bus kid, she shall, like the male bus kid, be told “God bless you and see you next Sunday.”)

    1. She shall also be tutored in the ways of women’s hairology, proper skirt legnth, and the ways of the Christian homemaker. She shall be issued the following items:a rose-print, lace trimmed Bible cover (to be filled with one OKJV), a Home Interiors catalog, one pair white canvas tennis shoes, one ankle-legnth denim jumper with floral print turtleneck.

  4. …and the disciple shall attend the same FU that his mentor did for the soul purpose of finding a helpmeet who plays the piano and is willing to mother no fewer then 5 children.

  5. this is too funny. i was TOTALLY “discipled” exactly like that when i was 16 – 17 years old, by my future ex-father-in-law/pastor, haha. i was raised roman catholic, so to get the proper rapture teaching into me, i was instructed in the ways of Hal Lindsey early on.

  6. This is so close to the truth it is scary! I remember my days being “discipled” and then later my days of “doing the discipling”. That is time I now consider wasted.

    The remark about being a “made man” caused me to laugh out loud!
    There should be a list of the ways fundydom is like the Mob. 😀

      1. Oh yes, there is a reason why my title in the forum refers to the fact that I am a Capo, a “made man” if you will, in the fundy mafia. Its real, just as real as the Lutheran mafia of Garrison Keillor fame.

        Plus, I love anything written in Leviticanese

        1. To expand on this:

          The Godfather (The Don)= IFB Pastor
          Hitmen = Deacons
          Consigliere = Ushers
          The boys in Vegas = Evangalists
          Protection = The tithe
          Your protection is going to cost more = Faith Promise
          An offer you can’t refuse = door-to-door soulwinning
          Squeezing out the competition = tent revival week
          Break your legs = Being the topic of a sermon

          Feel free to add

        2. “Sleeping with the fishes” – that’s simple: church discipline. For all the shunning that comes with being kicked out of the church the poor castaway might as well be dead to his former churchmates.

        3. Speakeasy = church bunker

          A contract = Character assassination via Prayer requests

          To Rub someone out = a public service removing an ex-fundie’s name from the church rolls

          A Mark = a visitor who fills out the visitor’s card and put it in the offering plate

          A loan shark = The church treasurer

          The Enforcer = The Chairman of the Deacon board

          A wiseguy = preacher-boys

  7. I’ve seen & heard about this, but always avoided ever getting trapped by it. Am very uncomfortable with the language of being someone’s “spiritual father”, and this kind of illuminates why I think. Never thought about why it bothered me just that it did.

    1. I said something he didn’t like one time and he smacked me hahaha. Not hard and it was funny but only Phil Sallee could have gotten away with that.

  8. Put all door to door soulwinners, telemarkers, and political cold callers in a windowless room together. When the room runs out of air, everyone else wins. Should take about 5 min.

    1. What’s wrong with door-to-door soulwinners? My previous pastor said it was the only for for the church to get recognition (er, to grow).

      1. I grew up totally believing in door-to-door evangelism. I don’t think I ever actually participated in it, other than to issue invitations to special events, but I believed in it! As an adult I moved to a new area, visited a church, and filled out a visitor’s card. A few days later a couple from that church showed up at my door to talk, get acquainted, invite me back, whatever. That’s when I realized how rude it is to show up at someone’s home unannounced and uninvited, and expect them to give you some of their time.

        1. I had a similar experience when I was in high school. I was home sick with strep (very miserable week) when two Jehovah witnesses came to the door while I was sleeping. The only reason why I answered the door was because I thought one of them was someone I knew. I realized that that’s probably how I made some people feel when I come knocking on Saturday morning. Needless to say, I slowly continued to try to make my way out of doing door – to – door. It was one of the first things I quit doing as soon as I got out on my own.

        2. I didn’t grow up fundy, but did marry a former fundy. That being said, I dealt with unwanted church visit when we moved to AZ. We visited a new church and filled out the visitor card and specifically checked not to have a home visit. I was pregnant and had all day morning sickness and my husband worked 12+ hour shifts. Monday right at 5:00 3 ladies from the church showed up. I didn’t answer the door. When my husband came home from work he called the pastor to ask why someone had been sent to our house when we checked for no home visits. The pastor told him that they always ignore that box and feel they need to get the “proverbial foot in the door” 🙄 even though we were professed Christians. Needless to say we NEVER went back.

        3. Two young missionaries show up at a farmer’s house, knock on the door, the old farmer answers the door and one of the boys says “we would like to talk to you,” the farmer graciously invites them into his home, and says “mighty hot out there fellas would you like some iced tea?” “Why yes thats mighty kind of you.” The farmer brings them each a tall glass of iced tea, and sits down at the table and asks “Well what you fellas want to talk about” The one Mormon boy looks at the other and says “I don’t know we never got this far before” 😆

        4. I work with a couple of Mormons who can laugh at themselves – and they both did the Missionary thing when they just got out of high school. I have to remember to tell them this joke. :mrgreen:

      2. Yeah, I don’t know if the recognition he was looking for was “OH, crap…it’s them again! Gotta go hide in the back of the house!”

        1. A former workmate told me about a friend of his who had a unique way of dealing with Mormons, here in Northern Ireland. The final part of the conversation would go something like this:-
          “Aren’t you the guys with all the wives?”
          No, Actually, in Ireland we don’t practice polygamy”
          “Then I;m not interested!”
          (door slams)

    2. …..is murder supposed to be funny?

      I hate door to door evangelism too, but pleeeze people.

      Satire is not sadism.

      1. I will concede I may have come across harsher than I intended; however, I would opine that sarcasm is the very essence of verbal sadism, to wit, to mock or harm others for one’s own amusement.

  9. “…sparing not to yell the good news at passing cars or share it with telemarketers who will wish they had never called.”

    The boys in my youth group so totally did that!

  10. There’s a giant Baptist church in the town where I grew up. While not Xian, I would go to it every year because the production values in their passion play were really second to none.

    When I read these kinds of things, I wonder what would happen if I went several sundays in a row at any other time of year and did so without talking to anyone.

  11. Hilariously written post, and most days I can laugh at it all. Not today for some reason. Fundies have royally screwed up so many poor kids who took it all very seriously. They can truly mess up your mind for a lifetime. And that’s not all that funny.

    I feel very sorry for the kids in fundamentalism.

    1. A few examples: 1) the young man who declared, “I love to play the drums. It is my passion, but I am giving it up as God has called me to full time Christian service.” So off he went to fundy U as the discipler patted him on the back. He never played those evil drums again. 2) The young man who aspired to be a military helicopter pilot, but instead, after the prodding of his fundy mom, ended up HAC. He married a cute little fundy girl who left him within a year. 3) The young man who was a math whiz and planned on a career as a CPA. Pastor tells parents that the youth is in fact being called to the ministry but is fighting it. Fast forward 18 months later…he dropped out of PCC and is floundering. I could go on, but you get the point. All true & all very sad.

      1. Yet another true story: I use to know a sweet high school girl with a bright future who got accepted to a top university. She had big dreams like becoming a pharmacist, getting a masters…etc. She got discipled her senior year in high school by the male youth leader about 10years her senior (obviously he had a “special” vested interest here). During the summer of her graduation, her relationship with a nice young fellow her age ended (the boy even stopped attending church). She took on an easy major and graduated as soon as she could…turned 21 and not too long after married this “youth leader”. Sad what may have become of her…

        SAD that IFB’s harm the most tender hearted and tender minded to gain control of what they want…all in the name of god!

        1. forgot to mention that the girl who got discipled ended up discipling her friend (who is a few years younger). her disciplee ended up going to bible college. and so chain continued…i wish fundies would just stick to the rule of separation and leave “sinners” alone…

      2. I like this common scenario: Guy marries a gorgeous young lady. Being fundy, she can’t be “gorgeous” because that’s “concupiscence”, so she lets herself go … gets heavy … wears dowdy clothing … pops out children right and left.

        Ten years later, her husband if caught banging the hot secretary at work.


        1. So true Don. I remember this youth curled her hair once and the youth paster nearly flipped! I believe something along the lines of “like a harlot” was mentioned.

        2. So true, Don. I have a dear friend who popped out 9 children. She was in a branch of Presbyterianism that does not allow makeup on women. Yes, wouldn’t you know it. Her husband “stepped out” with a “hussy of a woman”–you know, someone who did her hair, wore nice clothes, wore makeup and perfume. I don’t get it though. It’s the guys that make the rules. Why do they want their women to look so bad? And then when they do, why do they stray with the ones who don’t look so bad?

  12. Darrell,

    On a programming note, shouldn’t the site be called Stuffifb’erslike?

    Aside for a few very early posts, almost everything here skewers IFB’ers…not Fundamentalists.
    There are plenty more out there —Charistmatic, Bible , etc. who are as far or further “fundamental”.

    Even the schools ridiculed are all IFB except BJU.

    Just sayin’.


      1. No idea why they do, but they do. Also no idea why BJU would call themselves non-denom either.

        1. Well, it’s true BJU was founded by a Methodist evangelist, but they are not affiliated with any denomination.

      2. True in a sense , but they have advertised themselves in the SOL as “an indepndent baptist institution”

    1. It’s no secret that when I say “fundy” I mean “IFB.” It’s always been the focus of this blog.

      My personal experiences don’t extend into other realms of charismatic fundamentalist, Calvinist fundamentalist, and so on. So I write what I know.

      Feel free to share your own experiences and point out how they differ from those of most folks here. We always love to see what the different flavors of crazy are.

        1. Acctually I have come to be a little IFB late in life, but every non Baptist fundamentalist experiance I’ve had certainly applys here, so keep it up. After all, we all know that Baptists are the only ones that REALLY count… 😉 😆

        2. That’s because Baptists are the only ones who haven’t realized that there will be people in heaven besides them…. 🙄

      1. Makes sense I suppose, but it still seems the site should have been called that instead, since as you said, that’s what it is about.

        1. Just be careful not to degrade islamic fundamentalists they may blow up the site and then visit all of our houses.

        2. Just be very careful to say nothing disparaging about the islamic fundamentalists, they may blow up the site and come to “vistit” all of us in our homes.

  13. It’s because people new to the IFB movement take this ‘discipleship’ as caring. It’s what my mom thought was happening when people knocked on her door one day and then started going out of their way to ‘guide’ her and her preteen daughter.

    In the end, it made things worse.

  14. Hmmmm, Discipleship.
    Funny how words can change meanings.
    We are all called to be ‘followers of God’ as dear children, and all called to help bear one another’s burdens, encouraging, confronting and generally edifying each other in the Lord.

    However, human religion has turned ‘discipleship’ into a grooming process for the few up-and-comings who are destined to take the all-consuming empire of ministry to ever greater power and control.

    What it comes down to, is that by ‘discipleship’ what is actually meant is not making a disciple of Christ at all; but rather making a disciple of men.
    Darrell pointed out the results of this quite nicely in the last paragraph.

  15. I’m assuming the last paragraph is a reference to Matt 23:15. Brilliant . . . quite brilliant.

    1. As you show, the Bible is clear on sin being inside us. Jesus said in Mark 7:20-23, “What comes out of a man is what makes him ‘unclean.’ For from within, out of men’s hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and make a man ‘unclean.’”

      Are you saying we must crucify the flesh daily or that we HAVE ALREADY BEEN crucified with Christ?
      I prefer an emphasis on resting in what Christ has done more than striving to achieve what His death has already achieved for us. But perhaps I misunderstood. I need to study more on this aspect anyway.

      I might question the label a bit. By titling it “New Evangelical” you may be letting others off the hook who don’t go by that name but who in essence are teaching the same thing: if we thinking we can avoid sin by hiding from the world, aren’t we in essence denying the Biblical fact that sin is within us?

      One thing that I really like about your picture is realizing anew how hopeless I am without Christ, and how much I love Him for dying for me and forgiving me!

  16. I dunno, this seems this is a liberal redaction of the text. Where are the chapters and verses?

  17. …And so it came to pass that after the disciple had learned the arcane incantation of the Sinner’s Prayer, he went forth into the land of the Heathen ( non-Baptists), where did the young orator raise his crooked and accusatory finger towards the unrighteous.
    With a fire in his belly, and a roaring proceeding from his lips he did preach that wine within the sacred texts was in fact grape juice ( no pulp )produced by Welch’s, and that the bread of the Holy Sacrament was indeed Oyster crackers ( white bleached flour, not whole grain), for the sacred text did not state to “break bread”, but rather “crumble crackers”.
    Armed with the grape juice and oyster crackers, our hero travelled the lands of the unrepentant, his belly quaking with each step, preaching the virtues and piety of moderation, between gluttonous outings to Golden Corral and KFC buffets.

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