And when it shall come to pass that any sinner shall have prayed the prayer and signed the card and received the right hand of fellowship, if he is a goodly youth and fair to look upon then shall he be shuffled off into a discipleship course wherein he shall learn to observe to do all of the commandments of this book. (and if he is a bus kid then shall he be told “God bless you and we’ll see you next Sunday” and handed an award Bible so he can hopefully teach himself).
And the recently ex-sinner shall be trained with all diligence in the doctrines of hairology and musicology and shall learn how to identify which other Christians are the enemy from afar off. And he shall be given this book of rules wherewith to make his heart tremble and when he shall remark as to how many works of righteousness are required in this free salvation then shall the discipler smile and say “gotcha!” and then begin to talk about tithing.
And the discipler shall stoke the fires of the disciple’s enthusiasm and make the disciple to practice his soulwinning technique at every available opportunity, sparing not to yell the good news at passing cars or share it with telemarketers who will wish they had never called. And the disciple shall grow in wisdom and stature and shall learn how to properly yell “amen!” and raise his hand in the correct gospel salute. And the pastor shall look upon him and mention him in a sermon illustration about people who are “on fire for God” and the disciple’s heart shall rejoice with much gladness for he is now a made man.
And when the days of his discipleship shall be complete, the disciple shall himself compass sea and land to make a proselyte, and when he is made, he shall be twofold more the fundamentalist than was his discipler before him.
Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, page 6