And in the wearing of Jewelry, men shalt observe theÂ commandment which were given aforetime by thy fathers and shalt keep them with all due diligence, deference, and decorum.
And if thou art a male of the species thy jewelry shall be of these…
A wedding ring may adorn thy hand or perhaps a purity ring given thee by thy mother in a strange and terrible ceremony. A class ring from thy local fundamentalist university may also be displayed up to and including the ring that thou made for thyself after completing the requirements for a home college degree.
A watch may band thy wrist so that thou mayest take it off when preaching before the face of the congregation that they may know that thou are pretending to care if thy sermon ends sometime before kickoff.
A tie clip of gold or silver shall be permitted to restrain thy neckware from falling into Mrs. Allen’s famous green been casserole at the dinner on the grounds. Likewise a tie tack or lapel pin may be worn with the bearer receiving extra points if it is patriotic in nature.
But of the chain and the bracelet and the earring and the piercing thou shalt not wear for they are an abomination before our sight and do not fulfill our expectations for what good Christian men should look like. For in the day that thou piercest thy flesh or puttest on chains of gold thou hast brought confusion upon the genders and hast caused people to wonder whether thou art a man or a woman or (depending on the ear) possibly gay.
For in the book of Holy Scripture no man wore such jewelry except for all those men in the Old Testament who obviously wore quite a bit of it since they had it lying around to give to build the temple and whatnot.
Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, page 190