Tag Archives: the end times

Commandments Concerning Preparations For The End Of Days

And when it shall come to pass that evil men and seducers shall wax worse and worse and that whirlwind shall be spotted in the thorn tree that thou shalt verily take heed to the words of this game plan for the Apocalypse. For if thou shalt study to do all that is commanded here then thou shalt verily persevere (but not in a Calvinist way) until the Rapture doth come for to carry you home before the really gnarly stuff goes down.

And thou shalt verily harken unto the words of thy leaders and trade in thy paper fiat monies for coins of gold and of silver and of precious stones. So shalt thou gather unto thyself treasure on earth and lock it in state of the art moth-proof and rust-proof and thief-proof containers. And thou shalt also gather unto thyself firearms and bullets for to protect these treasures from those who might think they need them more than thou dost. For there is no such thing as too much gold or too many guns.

For verily perilous times shall come when men shall think it good to persecute the church with strong language and tax codes and snarky jokes about Christians on prime time basic cable. Then shalt thou gird up thy loins and make thy tents ready for departure and flee as a bird to your mountain state wherein thou shalt live as people did aforetime by growing your own food, shooting your own bad guys, and having the woods for thy sanitation.

And when thou has set thyself upon thy hill and has raised thy barricades and formed thy militia and set by thee thy five year supply of freeze dried lasagna then shalt thou know of a certain that thou mayest withstand whatever the beast and false prophet and great whore can throw at you. As it is written “do not be anxious about anything” and again “cursed is the man who trusts in man and makes flesh his strength” and further “Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God.” And thou mayest ponder why you ran so far away if you weren’t supposed be scared of anything. While thou art at it, thou mayest also ponder how exactly you’re supposed reach the lost if they’re locked outside your fort.

(Alternatively, if you’re a semi-famous pastor and former Presidential candidate you could just take all your church’s money and leave your flock high and dry by running away to start a survivalist cult in Montana. Or so I would imagine if I were speaking theoretically.)

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, p 297