The church bookstore is a long-standing fundamentalist tradition. Where else can you conveniently purchase eight books and assorted pamphlets written by the pastor himself, a delightful assortment of Footprints bookmarks, fish-shaped breath mints, and a smorgasbord of those little rubber coin purses with KJV bible verses stamped on the front? (Wait, do they even make those little coin purses anymore? Hey, it looks like they do!)
The church bookstore is also sanctified from the law of the Sabbath which states that “no good Christian may do business on the Sabbath day unless that business is frequenting an all-you-can-eat buffet.” This special dispensation for restaurants is widely recognized as the exception of the “ox in the ditch” — only the ox in this case is smothered in onions and served with a baked potato. It only stands to reason that you’d have to make an exception to the no-business-on-Sunday rule for the church store; it’s when most of the customers show up.
Whether it’s an entire room or just one table in the back of the auditorium, the bookstore is one-stop shopping for all your fundy merchandising needs.Â Be sure to check out the new selection of Wordless Book pencils and preaching cassette tapes.
Love America? Love Jesus? Want to combine the two in a totally awesome way?
(I do find the 14 stars just a tad confusing. It was suggested to me that perhaps those are representative of the states in the Bible belt. Who knows.)
It’s that time of year when the world falls in love and peace and earth and goodwill toward men reigns supreme. Yet even in this time of merry-making and fruitcake slinging, fundamentalists will find someone to attack: Old St. Nick.
For Santa Clause is THE GREAT IMPOSTER who will lead your children astray not only each December but possibly for eternity. The reasoning goes something like this…
If a parent tells their trusting child that Santa is real and and that he is omniscient (knows if they’ve been naughty or nice), omnipresent (can get around the world in one night), and omnipotent (not sure about this one but just go with it) then when they learn he is not real they’ll lose faith not only in Santa but will be forced to believe that God is a mere fairytale as well. Did you get that? Good.
Not content to leave it there, fundies then decide to heap unto themselves further proofs that Santa is not only imaginary, he is also evil as well. The SANTA = SATAN theme is preached far and wide. Their proof for this connection?
An internet Google search on “Satan Claus” [not Santa Claus Ã¢â‚¬â€œ but SATAN Claus] found over 1,700 hits! Obviously, there are many that tie the two together.
We also learn that Old Nick is
“A well-known British name of the Devil. It seems probable that this name is derived from the Dutch Nikken, the devil…”
(Encyclopedia of Occultism and Parapsychology, p.650)
He’s also a saint so we know the Roman Catholics are involved somehow which probably means it’s a global conspiracy. I don’t know about you but that settles it for me. Not only is Santa not real but he is also the devil. One can only imagine what fundies must think of the tooth fairy.