To the amazement of alumni everywhere (and after spending years slamming blogs and forums that dared to disagree with it), Pensacola Christian College has caught the spirit of social media and has launched its own blog full of articles purportedly written by students and faculty. Since it has taken them only until 2011 to catch up to blogging, one can easily imagine that PCC will be getting a Twitter account about the time Haley’s Comet returns. I can’t wait.

However, my hopes that maybe this was a move to let real students say actually true things about their experiences at PCC were doomed from the outset. Evidently, everyone at that college uses the exact same writing style and sentence structure as dictated from Dr. Chapman’s little blue book to sing the praises of everything and everyone at Pensacola Christian. Also, the writers are apparently all named “Maribeth” and work for minimum wage in the college promotions department. Or at least that’s what I’m left to believe after reading some of these gems.

“Troy” writes:

I never actually attended “college days”, but I did take a trip with my senior year of high school to see what the college was like. It was a wonderful opportunity to really see what PCC was all about. It wasn’t until this trip that I realized God wanted me here.

Call me cynical but I’m guessing that God may also have opened his eyes to the fact that there’s a honking big water park on campus.

On another piece about Dr. Clyde Box, (cleverly named “Outside the Box”) a girl named Debi comments:

That was a really good message! Afterward, I got Dr. Box to sign my Bible, and that made my night! Especially after that message!

Well, sister, if that’s not a squeeeee! inducing moment, then I don’t know what is.

But as good as the comments are, they can’t beat the articles wherein “Megan,“ allegedly an actual student, writes the following (supposedly with a straight face):

Bible Conference week is a time set aside for rest, the beach, relaxation, research papers, sleep, and, most importantly, good preaching.

I was at PCC for four years. I can’t imagine an actual breathing student writing that and really meaning it. Bible conference was a time for wearing a suit 10 hours a day and listening to 9,876 sermons on fleeing youthful lust. Nobody ever, ever, ever in my hearing referred to it as “relaxing.” You would likely have been beaten with a wide-margin KJV if you had dared.

As if this love fest of all things PCC-related wasn’t enough, there are even helpful enrollment advisers who troll monitor the site with spam helpful answers.

Don’t bother trying to add your own comments, however. They won’t be approved. Only the beautiful and certifiably fundy are allowed to be heard on this bastion of blessed blogging.

Watching PCC discover social media is somewhat like watching the Clampetts discover indoor plumbing. They just don’t quite get it. When you take a medium that’s best used for discussions and open dialog and then censor it, polish it, and turn it into advertising, unintentional hilarity is bound to ensue.