Being Rapture Ready
Superlatives
Anything you can do, a fundamentalist can do better. And faster. and holier.
Their Sunday Schools aren’t just big. No, they’re the biggest Sunday Schools In The History of Mankind (5000 years give or take).
Their soul winners aren’t just active. They’ve won more people to Jesus than Peter and Paul combined.
Our church isn’t just growing, it’s growing faster than any other organization in the country and will soon need yet another building project just to contain it.
The times they’re living in aren’t just wicked. They’re the most wicked times since Noah and bound to pass up his record any minute now.
Your pastor isn’t just disciplined. He actually survives on only twenty minutes of sleep a night just so he can pray every night for every single fundamentalist missionary and all of their children by name. Twice.
One has to wonder how such amazing and accomplished people have so long managed to keep the majority of the world from even knowing that they exist.
Soul Winning Tales With Jack Hyles
THE DOG STARTED THE FAMILY ALTAR
by Jack Hyles
A few years ago during the Christmas season I went to a home on a Friday afternoon. The husband was there alone. He was so pleased to see me and pleaded with me to come back in the evening as he and his wife were having domestic problems. That evening I did return and led them both to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ.
It was a beautiful sight. We knelt at the sofa beside a beautiful Christmas tree, and each of them was sweetly converted. I knelt between them. Our heads were bowed, our eyes were closed, and we were praying, when suddenly I felt a cold, moist something on my cheek. It felt like a piece of liver, though I must confess I have never had a piece of liver on my cheek! I opened my eyes and found it was a Cocker Spaniel dog.
Being afraid he would interrupt the soul-winning experience and be used of Satan to keep the people from Christ, I grabbed the dog around the neck, stuck his nose in a pillow on the sofa, and held him firmly. (All of this time the couple was praying and being saved.) The dog squirmed for a while. I squeezed his neck harder. Then he became motionless. I thought to myself, “Brother, I guess I have won two souls and killed a dog!”
I was afraid I had choked him to death. What a joy it was when all of us got off our knees to know that not only had the couple been saved but the dog was still alive. I guess he had decided he enjoyed kneeling with us; in fact, after we got up, he remained in the kneeling position with his nose between his paws.
A year later during the Christmas season I related this story from the pulpit. The couple came to the platform after the service and told me this amusing yet wonderful story:
The night after they were saved, at the same time, the dog came to the same sofa and got in the same position as if he were praying. He continued to do this every night until the couple decided that they had better do the same thing; hence, they started a family altar.
The man then informed me that for one year they had been having devotions, and every night the dog had joined them.
Probably by now you are snickering or laughing, but I wonder if that dog had more Christianity than some of our readers.
taken from Jack Hyles’ Favorite Soul Winning Tales
Accusations of “Evil Questioning”
I’d like to dedicate this cartoon to anyone who has ever innocently raised their hand in a Sunday School class only to be told that the fact they would even think to ask such a question reveals that their heart was full of rebellion. I feel your pain.
Dirty Money
This is the Jack DeCoster gym at Hyles Anderson College
These are the eggs sold by Jack to build things like that gym
This is Jack.
Meet Jack DeCoster. Chicken Farmer. Egg Recaller. Fundamentalist.
Oh, and financial supporter of Hyles Anderson College with no less than two buildings there named after him. One can only hope that the DeCoster dining hall cares more about food safety than Jack apparently seems to.
According to ABC News:
He’s been involved in legal cases that have forced him to settle with the federal government for hiring illegal immigrants, for tolerating sexual harassment at his company, and has faced a litany of animal cruelty charges. DeCoster has also paid millions of dollars in fines and settlements over the years stemming from complaints about the health violations at his farms.
One can only assume that his fundamentalist friends simply labeled these incidents as “persecution” and kept taking his money anyway.
Now half a billion eggs have been recalled in a salmonella scare, a large part of them coming from Jack’s company.
In fundamentalism money not only talks, it preaches. It preaches loudly.
Thanks to Matthew at JesusNeedsNewPR.net for drawing the lines and sharing his personal experience with this story.