Category Archives: Music

The 1 and 3


Nobody doubts that music is powerful stuff. It can delight you or sadden you or (if accompanied by the right set of words) make you want to buy large amounts of laundry detergent.

Fundamentalists take this principle even one step further by proclaiming that unless used in Southern Gospel music, placing the beat anywhere but the 1st and 3rd note causes involuntary muscle movement that results in dancing, pregnancy, dyed green hair, and referring to ones father as “my old man.”

What’s more these “unnatural” rhythms cause your body’s normal function to break down causing the heart to beat at an unnatural pace. Even house plants (who at last check don’t have hearts) will shrivel up and die if exposed to these awful “rock” beats — especially if you’re too busy dancing and getting pregnant to water them.

Putting the beat on the 2 and 4 causes the body to release endorphins which are also what moths secrete when they want to have sex. No…wait, those are called pheromones. Anyway, endorphins are something chemical and most likely something more or less like heroin which accounts for why these awful beats are so popular even if they do make the listener’s heart beat in unnatural ways.

It’s a wonder anyone survives a trip to to supermarket…

Famous Fundies: Phil Kidd

kiddAmong the ranks of shock-jock evangelists perhaps none have aspired to the verbal exploits of “Dr.” Phil Kid. Popular with many fundamentalist churches of more militant type, Phil is the master of Hair-Raising Sermon Illustration. It’s a rare event when he manages to make it through a sermon without some apocryphal tale of tragedy and gore.

And then there are his screaming rants against all manner of other ungodly things like Nintendo video games and interracial marriage…

Here he is in fine form:


Claiming Moral Support From the Unsaved

judgmental“Worldly people know what Christians should act like better than Christians do. They know when you’re not living like a Christian!”

This is an oft-repeated bit of fundamentalist lore and like most fundy lore it contains a smidgen of truth…but only a smidgen. Surely most unsaved people would say that Christians shouldn’t shoot people in cold blood or steal from their employer but that’s not generally the point that the fundy is trying to make.

Indeed, many fundamentalists seem to think that deep down most unsaved people really think that women should only wear skirts, that the movie house is a wicked place, and that the J.C. Penny catalog is just as bad as pornography. Yet even though the unsaved know all these things are evil they just purposely ignore their own better judgment and do them anyway. It’s just like the days of Noah minus the fountain of youth water vapor.

Since the unsaved person has all these fundamentalist values emblazoned on their conscience, a Christian who breaks any of the legion of fundy rules might drive them away from Christ. After all the lost person KNOWS what the Christian should be doing and they’ll think they’re just a hypocrite and never listen to the gospel ever again! And all this because in a moment of weakness a Christian wanted to see the latest Disney film in surround sound.

For shame.