Rate This Sermon Parody

A reader submitted this bit of sermon parody and I thought that in the tradition of Fundy Sermon Contests that it would be fun to give this one a critique and a rating on whatever scale you deem appropriate.

58 thoughts on “Rate This Sermon Parody”

    1. First for me, not for the parody. Which gets -20 initiative for the odd deep south/scottish hybrid accent. However, the rambling, incoherent, irrational content certainly garners at least +30 attack bonus for its sheer audacity.

        1. Nope. Whoever is first gets the First Comment butt cushion and accompanied lapel pin.

          And if you’re sassy, a bus captain blazer.

        2. Natalie, thank you for setting the record straight. I was a little concerned over those claiming cushions since the nomenclature was too similar to the “name it and claim it” crowd from whom we must firmly separate. I was considering moving my butt cushion to the opposite side of the aisle.

        3. PW, should you still feel led, please help yourself to my designated spot over there.

          Just give dirty looks to the visitors. They’ll move.

      1. I looked up Poe’s Law. Excellent point. I kinda left it open to interpretation. I’m halfway hopeful that one day I’ll be able to acquire an invitation to preach at an IFB church with such reasonable-quality parodies.

        …And then probably acquire an invitation to leave and never return.

        The content is mine, I admit it. And also a parody. But I so enjoyed making it. I kinda tip my hand with the one on Hell. Hopefully I can bury it with future podcasts. There are two others up so far.

      1. It was at our Fundy High that the Grand Poobah of Fundystan, His lordship of Hammond, Ruler of Free Mogdom, The great Rule-maker etc. etc. preached a sermon on purity using the story of Jonathan, Saul, and the spear dipped in honey as his text.

        1. I, for one, do not wish to know about where any fundy dips his spear (or polishes his shaft, for that matter).

    1. The last batch of 5-minute sermons I sat through was when the pastor’s son compared the blood of Christ to a never-ending 55-gallon drum of ketchup.

      It’s times like those when the concept of the distinction between the clergy and the laity looks very appealing.

      1. Ketchup? Was that sermon by Todd “Tater Man” McKeehan?
        It just makes sense. If Christ’s blood is wine to people who drink wine every day, it must be something else to teetotalers– maybe ketchup to people who eat French fries every day.

  1. Dr. Fundystan has given us -20 +30

    Starting with 10, I will add 20 points for the complete lack of Bible, except for once we heard him slapping it, -10 because he’s holding back, the microphone never even reached its maximum capabilities once and he’s clearly not even broken a sweat. -5 for the lack of the proper suffix -uh for emphasis after each word (that should be porridge-uh, loose woman-uh, etc), +25 for it being almost completely composed of war stories, -10 for not naming names on the compromising pastor, +5 for being clearly an experienced giver of fundy altar calls. -10 for the relatively subtle and low pressure 2nd appeal – lay on the guilt already!

    According to my maths, -20+30+20-10-5+25-10+5-10= 25

      1. What if he wants to use older editions? Should he renormalize, or just declare the edition?

  2. Barring the constant repetition…and the invitation…and the complete lack of expositional preaching, I rather liked it. His point was very true: our faith in Christ ought not to be for sale to the allures of this world (carnality, money, power, relationships, etc.).

    1. “Buy the truth and sell it not.”

      “And, let me take just a second to mention our book table in the back…”

  3. He talks too much like Vespers at BJU. Doesn’t sound IFB in vocal intonation.

    Loose woman
    30 pieces of silver

    It’s lunchtime here. I’m checking my pockets for change.

  4. Wow. I cannot give an honest critique because I am suffering from culture shock. I’ve been so long out of fundamentalism that I had almost forgotten what it sounded like. I know that was a parody but it came very close to the real thing. One positive is that I am now long past the point of it triggering anything.

  5. aye even Jack Hyles himself would have been proud to have spun that ball of yarn 🙂

  6. Not enough yelling and screaming to be realistic. Also, not enough rants on completely irrelevant subjects. Being on-topic is so not Fundy.
    Extra points, though for getting the story about Esau wrong (porridge =/= pottage).
    All in all, it needs more cowbell.

    1. “More cowbell.”

      BG, Thank you for giving me a great laugh, on a day when I needed it. My old Dallas Police Dept partner was killed today in an off-duty motorcycle crash. I really needed to laugh, so I thank you.

      1. …and Darrell, thanks for this blog that gave me something else to think about today, other than the loss of an old friend.

        1. BJg, I’m sorry for the loss of your friend, David.

          The ashes of mourning are bitter.

        2. I’m sorry for the loss of your friend David, BJG. My condolences to his family, friends, and fellow officers.

        1. Sr. Cpl. David Myers, badge # 5488, Dallas Police Department, Rest in Peace, my brother.

          Yesterday he posted on FB a close call he had on his motorcycle. He gave God all the credit for keeping him safe. He did not know he would die today.

          David Myers and I put several hundred outlaws in jail in Dallas 1989-1991 together. He was a fine, instinctive police officer, and we worked Oak Cliff together. I’ve been in tears all evening.

          Thanks for listening.

        2. O God of grace and glory, we remember before you this day our brother David.

          We thank you for giving him to us, his family and friends, to know and to love as a companion on our earthly pilgrimage.

          In your boundless compassion, console us who mourn. Give us faith to see in death the gate
          of eternal life, so that in quiet confidence we may continue our course on earth, until, by your call, we are reunited with those who have gone before; through Jesus Christ our Lord.


  7. This was hard to judge… the, um, “preacher” was clearly holding back and not “letting ‘er rip”.

    The guilt trip for the invitation was EXACTLY like the things I used to hear all the time to manipulate people into going forward, so lots of points there.

    The message itself didn’t have a “launching” point, even if it didn’t stick to Scripture. The theme “The Cross is Not for Sale” was actually pretty good; he kept returning to it.

    There were a couple of things that went beyond what I’ve heard: (1) I’ve never heard any MOG claim (publicly) that someone wasn’t saved because he didn’t follow the MOG’s advice (story about the young man selling out for a pretty girl, whom he later described as being in hell. (2) more minor — most preachers in my past don’t use the phrase “not a Christian” — they tend to say “not saved”.

    Otherwise, it was pretty believable… a decent job. During the kool-aid drinking years, I would have given it a B+.

  8. Heard Bob Gray, Sr, uh, “preach” the other day (you’ll pardon the expression). He said that if we wouldn’t let Dave Hyles sit next to us in church, we have a bad spirit toward those who have fallen.

    Made me feel sick; let him show some evidence of repentance before he is welcomed back anywhere.

    1. I’ve shared pews with people about as bad as Dave Hyles. I’m not the gatekeeper of who comes to church.
      That doesn’t change how I feel about Hyles, though.

    2. I’ll never understand how they are so welcoming of those who have “fallen” (their word for those who used their position and power for deviant behavior including sexual abuse), but they are so unwelcoming of the victims as well as Christians who have different standards than they do.

      All they care about is if you are in their “tribe.” If you play their game and assent verbally to their most cherished doctrines (separation, no contemporary music, etc.), they are happy to include you, even if you show no fruit of the spirit and are immoral.

  9. The only time fundy preachers up north in my neck of the woods “let ‘er rip” or get really loud and crazy is when an evangelist from the south is invited to come speak. This parody sounded just like some of the fundy pastors around here. 🙂

  10. Would have to say quite interesting, but after the 3rd, “the cross is not for sale,” my adhd found it hard to stay on task. I also wonder how convenient as he is preparing this message, he overhears a famous preacher say, I leave the cross out, he has a young man say I will pay you money to marry me to my beautiful lady, and as we know the , Cross is still not for sale, Samsons price was a loose woman, would think he would have thought longer on that one, but overall I would have to say

    C- in preparation, or making up all the stories to support the CINFS theme.

    C+ I n delivery due to the semi engaging dialect.

    I also think if we sell the Cross, we can buy another one and have another whole series of messages

    1. Y’know, the way he kept going back to track the theme through each of his stories, I was reminded of “There Was An Old Woman Who Swallowed a Fly…Perhaps She’ll Die.”

        1. There was an old woman who swallowed 1) broad discourse – she wasn’t careful who she listened to; she’d go into the local Christian bookstore and pick up anything off the shelf. She’d listen to preachers on the radio and say that they blessed her heart, but she should have been careful because the broad way leads to hell. Perhaps she’ll die.

          There was an old lady who swallowed 2) bad doctrine. These preachers spoke on God’s love but didn’t emphasize His justice and His anger at sin. They talked of grace but not judgment. But it cometh unto man once to die and after that the judgment! Perhaps she’ll die!

          There was an old lady who swallowed 3) bitter divisiveness. She started complaining about everything her pastor would do. She spoke against the Lord’s annointed. Perhaps she’ll die.

          There was an old lady who swallowed a lie; I don’t know why she swallowed that lie. Perhaps she’ll die.

        2. Well isn’t that cute pw. Now get out of that pulpit. Who do you think you are preaching to us men folk. The only time women are allowed in the pulpit is when they clean it on Saturdays. Amen?


  11. Listened to the whole sermon

    +10 points for not using scripture or expounding on a text
    +10 for using true stories that illustrate your topic
    -5 for not yelling, snorting or gasping. Obvious lack of unction
    -10 for not expressing the KJV was the word of God
    +20 for letting them liberals have it
    +5 invitation with appropriate hymn

    Summary score: 30 like the pieces of silver judas sold the cross for

    I want more parody sermons!

  12. As we all know, any true fundy sermon goes at least 45 minutes. So having said that, my observations:

    No alliteration
    No reference to the KJV
    No mention of tithing (even though the opportunity presented itself with the 30 pieces of silver)
    He did reference himself in every story. That is a must for a fundy preacher
    Somehow made his main theme of the cross not for sale fit into every story.
    Percentage of time alloted to the invitation was spot on.
    Complete lack of using the Bible other than to hit it once.

    Overal grade, B-

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