E-Mails From Fundies: Mark B. Edition

The following note was submitted in what I can only imagine was a response to the last video posted:

If you people spent as much time worrying about lost souls as you do ridiculing Bible believing Christians for taking a stand and taking the Bible for what it SAYS instead of picking it apart and correcting it like your staff probably does, then maybe you could get something productive done. You WILL stand before a Holy God one day and give an account for what you have done and continue to do. Go ahead and get your jabs and laughs in now…but rest assured…God doesn’t think you’re funny and I know I sure don’t and do not appreciate this one bit. I’m going to pray that God will deal with your hearts about this nonsense and that you will come to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ instead of running a childish and unGodly website!

(signed) Mark B.

So I’m ridiculing the Bible, correcting the Bible, God’s not amused, and I’m not saved.


193 thoughts on “E-Mails From Fundies: Mark B. Edition”

  1. It’s telling that when fundamentalists hear themselves criticized they immediately jump to “you have a problem with GOD and the BIBLE!”

    As if they were the infallible deciders of what God and the Bible said.

    1. It is in the nature of a fundamentalist to be unable to see any difference between their views and opinions and what their god and their scriptures say. My mother’s favorite way to win any argument (in her mind) is to sigh heavily and say “I don’t know what you are talking about anymore. I just believe what the Bible says.”

      1. When people say, “I just believe what the Bible says,” they usually mean, “I just assume the Bible says what I want it to say and means what I want it to mean.”

        1. What makes it difficult is that I think many fundies truly believe that their beliefs about the Bible are correct and that God will punish them severely if they abandon those beliefs. So, when you say, “those are just your opinions and beliefs about the Bible,” they say, “no, that is what the Bible actually says.” Then, at least in my family’s case, they get lazy and don’t want to talk about it any more. My mother usually complains that trying to tease apart her fundy beliefs from Scriptural teachings is “exhausting” and “gives her a headache.” So, she gives up before she even tries to start.

          And, of course, it doesn’t help that I am categorized as “not saved” because I don’t believe that you must be an IFB true-believer to be a Christian.

        2. “I believe what the Bible says…so long as it says what I want to believe it says regardless of what it actually says.” πŸ™„

        3. DS, I believe this is why most fundys are still fundy – it’s simply easier. It’s the lazy Christian’s way.

        4. “I just believe what the Bible says”
          I believe the Earth is a Square because the it refers to the “four corners of the Earth in BOTH the old and new testaments….

          1.Isaiah 11:12
          And he shall set up an ensign for the nations, and shall assemble the outcasts of Israel, and gather together the dispersed of Judah from the four corners of the earth.

          2.Revelation 7:1
          And after these things I saw four angels standing on the four corners of the earth, holding the four winds of the earth, that the wind should not blow on the earth, nor on the sea, nor on any tree.

        5. @Deacon’s Son – “And, of course, it doesn’t help that I am categorized as β€œnot saved” because I don’t believe that you must be an IFB true-believer to be a Christian.”

          Well, there is that verse in the Bible that says “Believe on King James, Billy Sunday, and John R. Rice, and thou shalt be saved.”

      2. Oh I know. I got on that treadmill trying to talk to my mother about my Catholicism. Trying to get around the “Catholics don’t believe in the Bible” line was pretty much impossible. The whole conversation was essentially listening to her take basic protestant beliefs, explain that Catholicism doesn’t fit them, and then concluding Catholicism is wrong. Because those beliefs were obviously true.

        That’s…not something you can reply to very well.

      3. The question I never get answered is this: If the IFB believes in eternal security and when I walked the aisle and prayed the prayer (I was sincere), they told me I was saved, why do they tell me now I am not saved for leaving the church? I meant the prayer and wanted to be baptized so why do they say I wasnt saved when they previously told me I was? It seems that Eternal Security is a doctrine of convenience to them. You are only eternally secure if you stay at their church. πŸ™„

        1. “Eternal security” always came with the “and really meant it” caveat. Which, as it is both vague and impossible to judge from outside, can be used to deny that anyone at all was ever really saved if they don’t meet the arbitrary standards of the day.

        2. The “really meant it” caveat caused me torment. I’d worry that I only THOUGHT I meant it but maybe I didn’t REALLY or I didn’t repent fully enough. When it was all about ME, I was filled with fear. Focusing on what Christ has done has been the answer.

      4. Oh my gosh! So true. Fundies do not see that they interpret the Bible — that they refract it through their particular hermeneutical lenses. (SIDE NOTE: I do believe this is the first time in my entire life that I have used the word “hermeneutical.” I just hope I am using it correctly. πŸ˜† )

        I once tried to explain to an ax-Catholic fundy friend that she interprets, I interpret, all God’s children interpret. There is no such thing as the Crystal-Clear Meaning of Scripture, which just leaps off the page and impresses itself indelibly on the minds of the True Believers. We all see Scripture through our interpretive lenses.

        So, anyway, I said to this gal, “OK, whom would you trust more to correctly interpret the Bible: Early Church Fathers who actually lived around the time of the apostles (several of whom even knew the apostles personally) OR your pastor who is removed from the NT period by over 2,000 years?”

        Her response: “Neither. I just believe the Bible.”

        I felt like beating my head against a wall until it bled. My head, that is, not the wall.

    2. Do you suppose that Mark B. has confused his interpretation of the Bible with the Bible itself? So, picking him apart, correcting him, then becomes tantamount to doing the same to the Bible itself.

  2. I didn’t know Darrell had a staff. I bet he wishes he had a staff! Mr. Mark B. must think Darrell runs his own church. πŸ˜†

    1. Darrell should tell his staff to start getting some things done around here already! πŸ˜‰

        1. An inflatable pilot has no business being anywhere around a stapler or anything sharp and pointy.

        2. So, when can we expect to see you ask for a motion, a second, and a show-of-hands-is-there-any-opposition-and-I-see-no-opposition-amen to appoint your kids as SFL staff to replace the heathens that you dismissed? πŸ˜‰

        3. It was 30 degrees and snowing, Darrell. You didn’t really have to fire the WHOLE staff because I wore long johns under my dress.

          I’m sorry, y’all.

        4. Someone turned you in out of love and concern for you, Natalie. After all, who knows what those long johns could have done to our workplace.?

        5. True story, Scorpio. I asked the person at work who orders supplies to get me a stapler, and finally after a few weeks he plopped it down on my desk…a red Swingline stapler. My life is a little more complete now.

        6. I’ve been submitting & resubmitting my resume as chief bozo of the operation for months now! I take it from lack of response that my desired position is not going to be filled?

        7. I do have an honorary doctorate in bozoology from ye olde paths unaccredited basement baptist college of whatever the name was!

        8. I have an honorary doctorate in Boozeology, but Old Crow University says I have to send it back if I disagree with its leaders.

        9. Darrell, if you’ll hire us back I promise I’ll stop wearing my pajamas to work on Casual Friday.

        10. Dr. Fundystan – As long as they didn’t move your desk to the basement, life is truly complete.

          RobM – You are over-qualified to be our staff bozo.

        11. Obviously, none of your staff were relatives. If they were and sin was found in the camp you’re options are

          1. Attack the victims of your relative and do remind the congregation that you are the MoG and know best.

          2. Find the relative a new position in a another like faith and practice. Maybe a prisoner exchange you get theirs.

          If you don’t have relatives on staff you must be compromised though, right?

        12. Natalie December 3, 2013 at 7:07 pm said

          “It was 30 degrees and snowing, Darrell. You didn’t really have to fire the WHOLE staff because I wore long johns under my dress.”

          Natalie, you should have worn Long Janes, which are not men’s apparrel…

  3. Bingo I believe.

    This whole thing, like most of the emails you seem to get from irate fundies, really demonstrates how screwed up their theology really is:

    “If you people spent as much time worrying about lost souls as you do ridiculing Bible believing Christians for taking a stand and taking the Bible” I’ve yet to see Darrell ridicule Bible believers, fundamentalists on the other hand… (A few commenters have, but you can’t expect unbelievers to behave like Christians anyway)

    “… your staff …” Darrell has a staff?

    “…get something productive done.” Works works works. I’ll let Paul answer here: For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. – Eph 2:8-9

    ” You WILL stand before a Holy God one day and give an account for what you have done and continue to do.” As will the IFB heretics and predators.

    I could keep going, but this is actually pissing me off. Christ have mercy and give me grace.

  4. This reads just like something I would write if I was being a Poe. Not that I or any of the other “staff” would ever do something like that.

    1. Scorpio, You sorry inflatable pilot!!! Do not give POEple ideas!

      Natalie’s back. Since I’ve got my hands full with operating the beverage cart, Natalie WILL fly this plane during the holidays if you don’t behave.

      And Darrell, just for the record I don’t think you’re funny either, Mister!! :mrgreen:
      I think you’re hilarious!

      1. It’s gonna take WEEKS to fumigate this cockpit, and I’m ripping out the seats. There’s NO TELLING what’s on them. I’ll realign them with my butt cushions, of course.

        I just have one question…

        Where’s the clutch?

    2. It makes me suspicious that Mark B.’s writing is mostly spelled and punctuated correctly. Not like most of the Fundy commentators here.

    3. Scorpio? You’re an inflatable pilot? Gee-whiz, I feel stupid. I thought you were a Weeble.

      1. Surely/Shirley, it’s the autopilot (or supposed to look like the autopilot) from the movie Airplane.

  5. I know I shouldn’t even step into this, but…

    “picking it apart and correcting it?!?” Anyone who read the comments on the last thread would see that there was, among some jokes, a serious discussion about the danger of cherry picking verses of the Bible to construct doctrine rather than reading it as a whole text, as well as the dangers of getting distracted by extra-textual concerns such as numerology.

    Am I missing something?

    1. Because in fundy logic, God likes the things they like and hate the things they hate. If they laugh at something, God also laughs at it. If they are not amused, God is not amused.

      1. And the fundy said, let us make god in our image, in our likeness, so that we may have dominion over ever creep that creeps upon the earth.

  6. We know that God doesn’t think we’re funny because Mark B doesn’t think we’re funny. We know that we need to be saved because Mark B thinks we need to be saved.

    “You can safely assume you’ve created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.” – Anne Lamott

    1. I don’t even have that… but I could promise to use Armor-All on my tires, if that would help.

  7. “I’m going to pray that God will deal with your hearts about this nonsense and that you will come to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ instead of running a childish and unGodly website!”

    *sigh* So-called “prayers” like this one (you all know the kind — the I’m-going-to-pray-that-God/Jesus-humiliates-you-and-makes-you-sorry-and-makes-you-agree-with-me kind) alternate between making me pissed off and just pitying. The people who “pray” these things don’t understand prayer in the slightest. That’s both sad and annoying.

    1. The further I go in my faith journey, the more I realize the purpose of prayer is to align our thinking to God, rather than the other way around.

      1. Yep. If God waited for orders from me, the world would be in a hell of a mess.

        “… Also, dear Lord, don’t forget to keep the grass growing, and the water flowing in all the rivers, and keep the sun hot and bright enough, but not too hot, and …”

      2. I’ve taught numerous teen sunday school classes over the years that

        (1) The sins identified in scripture are so that you will know your own sin to confess, repent and work on in your own life, and not to identify sins in others lives, and

        (2) Prayers primary purpose is to remind the prayer of the needs they should be looking to show compassion or lend assistance towards.

      3. In Fundystan, a primary purpose of public prayer is to remind somebody else what you and God think they should be doing or not doing.

    2. This guy’s “prayer” is along the lines of:

      “Lord, I thank you that I am not like other men…

      And especially like Darrell.

      You’re welcome, Lord God. Because I can tell that you are thankful to have me around.”

  8. Thy staff shall comfort you. As for your rod, well, that’s a little personal, dontcha think?

  9. So where’s my paycheck?

    Also, I like the idea that the words of fundys are just the exact same thing as the word of God. That says a WHOLE lot about the state of the IFB.

      1. She can get paid; the SOTL’s secretary got paid. It wasn’t much, and not worthy to be called a paycheck, but she got paid. Persnickety’s pay would be comparable.

        1. Chihuahuas aren’t wired enough already that this one gets to slurp up the leftover coffee? She’ll be running around on the tops of the pews next!

    1. That’s what gets me about fundies. They condemn the Catholic Church when the pope speaks ex cathedra, but if you challenge their opinions, they tell you that you need to get right with God. Hypocrisy much? πŸ™„

  10. So… we talk about our experiences in one narrow version of Christianity, point out the corruption in it, advocate for the victims of abuse within it, support each other when things get tough, cheer for each other when things go well… and somehow we’re against God and the Bible for it.

    Well, if someone’s God is OK with covering up child abuse and domestic violence, with holding children and teenagers up to higher standards than their pastors, with straining out gnats while swallowing camels, with separating kids from their parents over normal teenage issues… yeah, you can keep your “gid”, dude. Many of us found one better.

  11. I wonder if he wrote the same letter to the Numerology lecturer? “If your church spent as much time worrying about lost souls as you do arguing about numbers, [if you would start] taking the Bible for what it SAYS instead of picking it apart and counting the number of words in a verse, then maybe you could get something productive done.”

  12. These comments need a “like” button. Just sayin’. πŸ˜€

    Love the whole “if you disagree with me you disagree with GOD” argument. I get that a lot from my family, much like Deacon’s Son.

  13. Honestly, what greater thing could happen than to stand before God for pointing out the heresies of the ridiculous? Not that I want to stand before God and have any of my faults pointed out, but trying to support the healing of many is a good thing.

    1. According to Jack T Chick, god has a big plasma television and everyone lives has been recorded in Hi-Def.

  14. I wonder how much time was spent drafting this email that could have been spent knocking on doors and reaching out to the lost…. πŸ˜€

    1. That’s the way to Preach IT LOL!!!!!!!! And all Gid’s people said….?

      Now, every head bowed. Every eye closed. I wonder it there’s someone here tonight etc. etc. etc…

      1. Touche!

        “No one looking around (except unpaid ‘staff’), twelve million stanzas of ‘Just As I Am”, etc etc etc” πŸ˜†

      2. I first skimmed through that sentence as, “Now, every head boweled” 😯

        1. Just apply some Preparation KY-H Hair gel, a butt gasket and insert using the Hancock maneuver… slather, gasket and repeat until you have the church leadership established …as well as a Pastoripede.

    2. Know any good knock knock jokes?

      Yeah! There was a couple of ’em from the Baptist Church who came by yesterday!

  15. Don’t feel too bad. I’d be rich if I had a nickel for every time a Fundamentalist told me I wasn’t a Christian… I wonder what would happen if he spent his time reaching lost souls instead of playing God and condemning his fellow humans. Sometimes I get way too angry at the self righteousness of Fundamentalists.

  16. Well I am a little new at this, I have lurked for a long while now so I feel a bit more comfortable with all of this. The thing I an never believe is how some people can pit their own thoughts on the plane of God’s. I felt so much of that in my IFB church growing up. No rhyme or reason, just what the authority says. So very maddening.

    Also biggest pet peeve of mine: use of the word “godly” (or in this case unGodly). To me at least, it means God-like. No human should ever be capable of being called such.

    Side note: love the midword capitalization of “unGodly” and the random ellipses.

    1. Glad to have you StayAway.

      Uhhh. That didn’t come out quite right.

      Glad to have you aboard! We are glad to welcome lurkers who want to tell their stories, or just be part of the community.

      I pretty much agree with your comments. “Godly” is a hard thing to achieve, and too many people want to use the title without having earned it.

    2. Welcome aboard, SASM; at ease. The benevolent Dar-El is a wise leader, but I have to warn you about our pilot. Do you enjoy alcohol while flying? He does. And the airline bags are in the seat-back pocket in front of you.

      1. The airline industry standard for pilots is 12 hours from bottle to throttle. Here at SFL Airlines, my standard is 12 bottles and then throttle.

  17. I wonder how much of the buffoonery that we “mock” has turned people away from the Lord πŸ™

      1. And I wonder what is the point of being a “dish” if you are going to be “modestly covered?”

        1. It’s kind of like a before and after(i.e. I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat)

  18. STAFF?!?! STAFF?!?! Darrell, We knew all this content had to be done by some number of minions you have enslaved πŸ˜†

    Such an ungodly heathen as yourself could never be this successful with anything. Surely the hand of Gid doth work mightily against thee 😯

  19. Good golly gosh. If they think God is so obnoxious, why do they even like Him. Oh, I forgot. They don’t; they’re afraid.

  20. As my Mama used to say, “if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.” IF you can’t stand the TRUTH about how corrupt your IFB church and pastor probably are, don’t read a blog of former IFB members who see all the bull***t these pastors and deacons have been shoveling!

    Ask Tammy Wenger how much compassion First Baptist of Hammond, IN gave her when she turned in Ballenger for sexually abusing a child! Her church TURNED on her! She was a member of 1st Baptist! She was protecting a CHILD, but at court, “according to local papers, nobody from the church ever inquired after the welfare of the child; both the posecutors and the family received threats during and after the trial.” In fact, “during the trial itself, church members packed the courtroom to show their support for him, not the victim.” Author: Jeri Massi “Schizophrenic Christianity: How Christian Fundamentalism Attracts and Protects Sociopaths, Abusive Pastors, and Child Molestors.”

  21. Did he say we are ‘correcting’ the Bible? That doesn’t make sense. How does one do that exactly?

    And despite not knowing what it is or how to do it…I’m apparently spending too much time on it.

    ❓ ❓ ❓

    1. Well, remember that they think that anyone who uses any version other than the King James is “correcting the Bible.”

  22. Interesting that he is going to pray for you to come to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ, but made no actual attempt to lead you there. Hmm, and you’re the one not worried about lost souls???

  23. Aww man… If God doesn’t think I’m funny, then He’s got to be awfully miserable helping me every day.

  24. One person’s healing is another’s heresy.
    Amazing how angry a person (especially one left in the destructive system) can be when someone else finds freedom and healing.

  25. Dear Jesus,

    If you spent as much time worrying about the lost souls of Israel as you do ridiculing Torah-believing Jews for taking a stand and taking the Scriptures for what they SAY instead of picking it apart and correcting it like your disciples probably do, then maybe you could get something productive done. You WILL stand before the Sanhedrin one day and give account for what you have done and continue to do. Go ahead and get your jabs and laughs in now . . . but rest assured . . . God doesn’t think you’re funny and I know I sure don’t and do not appreciate this one bit. I’m going to pray that that God will deal with your heart about this nonsense and that you will come to a saving belief in the Messiah instead of preaching childish and unGodly messages full of “woes!”

    Saul of Tarsus
    Phil. 3:4-6

  26. I care very much for the souls – and hearts, and minds, and bodies – of those people who have been harmed by abusive churches like the IFB.

    And I am so thankful for the healing that SFL has helped me to find. Three years ago I thought I’d never be happy again. Now I feel like I’ve never been this happy in my life.

  27. then maybe you could get something productive done.

    Translation: Productivity = winning souls, and sealing the deal on salvation decisions. Your Sinner’s prayer Tally Book will tell how productive you are or not.

    I’m going to pray that God will deal with your hearts about this nonsense and that you will come to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ instead of running a childish and unGodly website!

    Translation: You are not saved. You need to repeat the sinner’s prayer after me so I can be productive.

    1. God doesn’t think you’re funny and I know I sure don’t and do not appreciate this one bit.

      Translation: I have the mind of God, I speak in his place. Because my god hates the same things I do, likes the same things I do, and thinks just like me.

  28. It really ticks me off when people think they know who is “saved” or not. Basically, if you think like me you are saved. You should have seen the look on the faces of my Fundie friends when they found out I converted to Catholicism! “Wait, you can’t do that!” ” People leave the Catholic faith and repent, not leave our church and become Catholic.” They didnt know what to do with me. I think alot of these people will be surprised when they see who is in heaven with them. Hee Hee :mrgreen:

    1. I know someone who converted to Catholicism
      He was asked “why would you want to worship Mary?”

      1. I can safely say that, unfortunately, their stubbornness also extends to what other people believe. The most notable conversation I had about Catholicism with my mother ended in “well some ex-Catholic I knew said that’s what they believe, so don’t contradict me.”

  29. Well, SWEET GOOGLY MOOGLY! He doesn’t appreciate our shenanigans!

    I’ll just fold up my laptop and just change my WHOLE personality and sense of humor! I’ll don back on my ankle length dresses, act fake, and smile faker.

    I’ll take HIS word as good as the Gospel, because HE said it. After all, he is the mediator between God and I.

    I’ll believe that God doesn’t find us funny or sanction what this site does, because HE said so.

    I’ll question my relationship with God (that I’ve had for 22 years), because HE said I didn’t have one.

    After all, isn’t he SO much holier than we are? Because he doesn’t like this site? Doesn’t that make him a voice of authority?

    Um, no.

  30. God does have a sense of humor – he created burps and farts!

    Wonder what Marky will do when he stands before God and he is asked, “when did you feed me, clothe me, visit me in prison – you didn’t – well get the hell out of here you goat!”

    1. “God does have a sense of humor – he created burps and farts”

      Seriously, I have never thought of that before. Maybe it’s part and parcel of the fall.

      As far as the standing before God accounting for hypocricy, I think you’re right on. Of course, a guy like Mike will never consider himself a goat. He is too self-important.

  31. My dearest Mark B.,

    Since you desire to pray for me, there are some things you should know.

    1. My burning toe warts are giving me hell tonight, so put that on the top of your list.

    2. God has been dealing with my nonsense for 43 yrs. He knows me well enough by now, you don’t need to tattle.

    3. About those lost souls. If God didn’t want them lost, why did he make them so teensy-tiny? If he lost them, I think it’s up to him to find them again.

    4. Say a special prayer for Darrell’s staff. I hear they’re forced to sign a pact with the Devil at hiring, and they’re paid like shit.

    5. I really feel like there should be a Number Five, since 5 has big-time significance in Holy Numerology, but I got nothing.

    (signed with mine own hand, and greet the brethren with an holy kiss)


    1. Regarding the Toe Warts, do you want to get rid of them or get more of them? It would help if you’d clear this up. πŸ˜›

Comments are closed.