Phil Armenik: Atum is here

To start the week off right we have a guest post from none other than Doctor Brother Phil Armenik who has a few comments on the changing of the seasons…

Bruthrun, sistren, and reprobates,

Just a few thots after a long Sunday at the church house. Atum is here amen. That meens women wont be walkin round in two peece bathing sutes like a cheep hore amen. But theres still lot of problems in the atum amen. Amen if a woman is immodest in her dress the whether outside dont matter amen.

I went sole winning at the hi skool football game on Friday amen and ran acrost one of the women at the church waring pants. I asked her why she was waring close that pertainth to man and she said it was cold to ware a dress. Amen let me tell you bruthers that is a lie from pit of hell. I dont know if its worst for a woman to be naked or to be waring split garmets amen.

Amen this is what I told her amen if Eskmo women dont ware split garmets nether shuld you amen. Theres never been any time in human histry that women didnt ware dresses until we enter the Layodceen Age. Amen if you dont beleve that just name me one amen. Now women all over world want to put on a pare of pants. Its femnism and rebellon by the woman gants the Bible athority and thats there husband and preechers. Thats also why theres women preechers becuse so many women are lesban amen. Women naturly are attracted to authority and if a person listens to a woman preecher that meens there gay amen becuse there looking for athorty in women. Women preechers started out the Methdist and Episkopal churches and that where the gays started at too amen.

And that just brings us rite back to waring pants. Amen in ever culture the men ware parted undergarmets and the women ware unparted garmets. If theres ever a man waring parted garmets its becuse hes a preest or immam or rabbi or some kind of pagan cult leeder amen. Thats why theres so many gays in the Cathlicks and Anglicans becuse they ware gowns behind the pulpit amen. Theres a strong tie between womens close and being gay amen. Its called being transvestite.

So men if your wifes are telling you its too cold bruthers stand up to her amen. theres no excuse for women to ware pants amen. If its cold outside she can ware long dress and long stockings amen and a cuple layers of long johns amen but she shuldnt be waring no pants.

Till necks time blessings be upon thee and thy house,

Bro Phil Armenik
Evangelist Rev. Dr. Bro. Phil ARmenik
Moe.D., D.D., D.Min, D.I.P., Th.D., Ph.D., D.Litt, D.Hum., D.Miss.

King James Only, Pretriblatonal, Premilenniall, Dispensatonal, High Standards, Soul Winning, Hell Fire and Brimestone Preachig, Bus Minstry, No Tunges, Old Paths Landmark INDAPENDANT FUNMENTAL BAPTIST!!

133 thoughts on “Phil Armenik: Atum is here”

  1. I think Bro. Phil is slipping. Not only are Long Johns are split garments, but they’re called Long JOHNS. If they were meant for womenfolk, they’d be Long Janes.

    The dear brother needs to take heed lest he fall. Sin lieth at the door.

  2. Anyone who says it’s never too cold to wear a dress has never worn a dress. I remember living outside Omaha as a little girl, and we’d be forced to play in the snow (sometimes with a wind chill of 30 degrees below zero) in skirts with knee socks. My mom just didn’t care. By golly, her 9 year old daughter wasn’t going to be tempting men to sin, by george!

    Almost 30 years later, I still remember the utter, bone-chilling cold as the wind whipped up my legs.

      1. I’m saying he needs to put on a skirt and go stand in the middle of a Nebraska cornfield in the dead of winter. Then he can come back and tell me it’s never too cold to wear a skirt. πŸ˜‰

        1. Your post puts me in mind of Scotsmen and their kilts, and what you KNOW they (don’t) wear under them. Kinda gives me a new respect for them on a frigid day, and I serious doubt anyone’s going to call THEM weak.

        2. Ms. Polecat, how can you even SUGGEST that a mangawd dress like a woman?? Even in Nebraska cross-dressing is a SIN!!! The Bible way is the same way everywhere!!!

    1. Yeah. Or try walking across a soccer field at Northland from one class to the next in the dead of winter wearing a dress. I remember a couple times when they called off classes when the wind chill hit -30. πŸ˜•

      1. I ahve been a follower of Phil Armenik for years. I was hoping he would take up the pen again. He gives me so much laughter its not funny. Darrell, tell your friend he is a huge hit.

        1. I couldn’t tell if it was real or not either! Because I also have heard very similar messages preached many times in my 25 years as a fundy πŸ™ One preacher would always say (regarding “culottes”) that if you have to put your legs in one at a time, it is a man’s garment, and of course a sin. I wonder if his wife wore pantyhose… or underwear. πŸ˜†

        2. 😯 Actually, TripletMom, I did hear it preached from the pulpit once that a woman shouldn’t be considered a virgin if she wore pants because she had had “something between her legs”. The first thing my mom said when we got in the car to go home was, “So, do you want our daughters to be non-virgins with underwear, or shall we create “easy-access” accounts?”

        3. Wow, formerHACgirl, there is truly no limit to how completely ridiculous fundamentalism can be, is there? πŸ˜•

        4. I think TripletMom and FormerHACGirl get the prize today.
          Nothing between her legs? No underwear, then? 😯

        5. Thanks Big Gary! πŸ™‚ Truth is stranger than fiction is it not? I couldn’t make this stuff up even if I wanted to!

        6. A bunch of young men trying to deal with their lust by rules and repression sitting with a bunch of young women trying to deal with their lust with rules and repression, and the women decide it’s a good idea to no longer where any underwear under their dresses. Yeah, nothing could go wrong there. Nope, can’t think of anything that might happen. πŸ™„

        7. My sisters believe that it is a sin to wear tampons for the same reason: it supposedly takes your virginity. My oldest sister is in her late twenties and has never been to the gynecologist because he too would take my sister’s virginity, she believes. One of my sisters (unmarried and NOT sexually active) had to take birth control for a hormonal issue and the other women in the family told her that she was “aborting her babies.” And yes, I also have heard the whole “between your legs” crap before about pants.

        8. Good, Deacon’s Son, we can split that generous prize from Big Gary three ways and deal you in! Sounds like you learned a lot growing up. Many of my siblings and I had difficulty “coming into womanhood” if you will and could have benefited from having the tires kicked and getting the hormones regulated. My parents refused because even going to a female gynocologist would rob us of our virginities. Tampons were out the door for the same reason.

          Here’s the kicker: my super sheltered fundy sister married a super sheltered fundy boy. On their wedding night, she called me (because of course nothing was explained to them) to ask how to start consummating the marriage. I gave a few generic tips like holding hands and kissing, then letting nature take it’s course, then hung up. When she called the next day, she reported that they hadn’t been successful getting anything to work past a few chaste pecks, so they gave up and watched a Law and Order Marathon instead!
          Truth really is stranger than fiction sometimes!

        9. HACgirl: you ladies can keep the prize seeing as how you are the ones who actually have to live with the consequences of all this crazyness. My wife and I are the “worldly” ones in the family and we get similar phone calls from my siblings all the time. Thank god no one has gotten married yet because we have joked before that we would get a phone call just like the one you got. SO SCARY to hear that it really happens!!! 😯 Now, as far as I am concerned, I hope my sisters NEVER get married. πŸ™„

        10. @VisitTheUngodly, I didn’t think of that! I have no idea. Somehow though, pointing out all the holes in fundy rules doesn’t prove anything to them, and gets you labeled a “doubting Thomas” at best, and a hell-bound reprobate at worst. In any case, your name is very clever and makes me smile the first time I see your comment on post πŸ™‚

        11. @formerHACgirl: you have got to be kidding me! They watched Law & Order on their wedding night because they didn’t have any idea what to do? 😯
          At some point, I would have thought his instincts would have kicked in, even if hers didn’t. Then again, maybe they thought that watching Law & Order WAS that forbidden thing that married people do. πŸ™„

        12. Aman it blests my hart to here about girls who come to the marriage bed the first time without carnel knowledge beforehand amen. But what kind of Preecher lets girls go to wedding day without counsling them how to have intimasy with there husband? Amen thats not even right. Theres some that say thats not the job of the Preecher but the women in church aman but the BOOK has all the ansers to lifes problems amen and sinse the Preecher is the man who is called to preech the Book then hes the one who shuld give such advise amen. Lets stand up in the gap and not be ashamd to preech even when there some who mite get embarased by the subjeck. Amen!

      1. I know I heered it, almost werd fer werd. Ever time there’s a changin of the close season, they’s a brazen hussy lookin to lead a man down the slippry slope to a firy hell.

  3. When I first saw the picture, I thought it would be a great place to camp and fish. Then I read the hover text. In the spring, little animals will be born after being “created” in the fall. Obviously, we must be extra careful how women dress. It’s good that we have the Brother Doctor to warn women the end result of split garments. Those deer and bears wear fur pants, and look where it leads.

  4. We had to fight to get to wear pants in public middle school. Then we had these restrictions…they had to be ‘nice’ pants. We weren’t allowed to wear jeans but by the end of the year those rules were being ignored. This took place in the rural south.

    I do remember a girl came to school the day after the rules were relaxed wearing a very pretty feminine looking pantsuit. A boy was rude to her for no apparent reason…

  5. Wow, I have heard that exact same sermon at our fundystan cherch/skool/cellege… “Its never too cold for the girls to wear a dress…” declared the MOG from the pulpit, Yea -43 outside without the wind. My parents let my sister wear pants when it was cold…

  6. I remember taking my Methodist youth group skiing. An IFB youth group was also there. The females all had black ski pants on……with black culots over the top. Their obese pastor sat in the lodge keeping an eye on their stuff.

    As I was on the ski lift I wanted to yell, “Jesus freed you from that!”.

      1. Gluttony destroys the body, but immodesty destroys THE SOUL!!!

        (Heard that line many times in various versions: it’s always a “consumption sin” like smoking or drinking or gluttony in the first part and ALWAYS a “sexual sin” like pornography or lust or masturbation in the second part.)

  7. Now I’m wondering if Eskimo women really do wear skirts. Eskimo women eat whale blubber too, I suppose as Good Christian Women we’ll have to do the same.
    Actually I find I like to wear long skirts and dresses, a remnant of my fundy days at school, they’re rather comfortable. In fact it’s a bit sad you don’t see many women in dresses these days; go to the mall or grocery store, and it’s just khakis and jeans on nearly every female over age 6. Yes, I know it’s a personal choice, and pants are more practical for most things, but I admit I miss the way a woman looks in a dress. πŸ™ 😐 (Watch old movies to see what I mean.) The culottes-over-pants thing isn’t so dumb, you’d think someone could design an attractive version. Just my two cents, that & 50 will get you a cuppa coffee.
    And what does Rev suggest if a man is turned on by a woman in a long dress? πŸ˜‰

      1. I dont trust no librale websites to tell me what Eskmos ware. There lying becuse Obama the Kenyen Muslum wont give them no money if they tell the truth amen. How do you even know those are reel pictures amen. Im gettign sick of the gay agender these days always trying to come up with something new that goes against the BOOK. I know its fake becuse last misson confrance the Preecher had his frend down whats a misssonry to Alaska and his wife ware dresses and I know hes not librale and wuldnt allow no women to dress like hores and femnist. Anyone thats saved on this site plese remember to pray for that bruther becuse hes having hard time up there in the north contry planting a church in these last days before the Rapture.

    1. I’m surprised more women don’t wear dresses too; especially in the summer months. Once for an Easter thing we did at church, I had to dress in some middle eastern clothing. That tunic was the most comfortable airy thing I’ve ever had. If I could get away with wearing one all the time, I’d do it!

      1. And this might be a good place to point this out: in Palestine/Israel/Judah/whatever in the eras the Old Testament was written in, it was common for women to wear trousers under her tunic, much like the Afghani and Pakistani women do now (a ‘Punjabi’ outfit, is one name for it), *and* this was done specifically to preserve her modesty. The men wore tunics with no trousers.

        The exact opposite of what Brother Phil is insisting.

        One could say that by Biblical standards, men who wear trousers are in fact wearing a garment that pertaineth to a woman.

        And a man who has worn the full nine-yards Great Kilt can tell you it takes a Real Man (TM) to wear one!

  8. That is absolutely hilarious. So close to so many sermons I have heard preached over the years. In the winter at HAC, I very quietly used to wear pants tucked into my high boots under my nearly ankle-length skirts. Solved a world of problems for me when I had to go bus calling in the -30 with the wind chill winters.

      1. I would have heard it frequently, probably from a multi-variety of those who owned my tail at the time………………good thing I never got caught. Play those dress codes to the letter, and you can really get away with so much! 😈

      1. I was a very warm and happy smarty-pants thank you very much. And upon occasion my friends and I were known to get those hot packs for your hands and put them in our undies instead. Then we were hot-asses!

      1. I’ve heard that too. And mountain climbers too. They aren’t much for keeping your legs warm on their lonesome on a cold day, but they sure make a good base layer under pants! πŸ™‚

  9. You know.. amen… trying to talk like a normal person after leaving the fundies has been hard, bless God. Amen brother? Can I hear an amen?

    Amen.. and amen!

    1. Amen! It really is hard to talk to normal people – it’s like they just don’t get you. They almost speak a different dialect and the way you interact with them is awkward.
      My first summer semester that I took off from HAC, I went travel nursing. I don’t remember what it was in response to, but someone said something and I replied “Praisallujah!” as I walked down the hall. Everybody on the unit cracked up laughing at me, but I couldn’t figure out what for the life of me was funny. One of the girls quietly mentioned during break that what I said must have been a regional term, since they had never heard it before. That’s when it dawned on me that I would have to relearn how to be culturally competent in a context other than the compound.
      I’m glad your out. Keep your head up, it does get better and you do adjust. Don’t go back to Egypt for lentils when God will feed you with quail, amen?

      One of the major benefits for me here in Korea is that I have a group of people here at SFL who are available any day any time who understand my culture, understand where I am coming from, and even know the jargon I was brought up with. In a lot of ways, it feels like walking through the front door and smelling your favorite home-made meal roasting in the oven – you just know everything is going to be okay.
      I hope SFL will be a similar experience for you. Coming out is always traumatic, but you will get through it. And you will be stronger for it. I’m glad you are here.

  10. But, Brother Phil, if you wore the flowy, wide-legged pants that I like to wear, then your brothers would call you gay.

    But, what do I know? I’m just a female.

    I wonder what times my husband will let me eat and go potty today.


  11. Hhhhmmmm……It is interesting to look at pictures of clothing styles throughout history, and see how they have changed as technology has advanced things like smaller sewing needles; carding, thread making, and weaving implements; as well as newer hybrids of cotton and flax.

    My guess is that Bro. Dr. Rev. Phil & Co. don’t want to be too close to historically correct. They might get chaffed over their sensitive, soft cotton wearing bodies.

    I knowed Armenik was satyr, and have enjoyd folowing his blog on sometimes, but it is amazing how closet to Fundy preechen this stil is.

    1. There is a reason why when I read these updates from the good Dr. in my head I hear them in the voice of Dwight Smith.

      The power of Poe’s law is incredible.

      1. What makes it even better is the definition of Satyr:

        1. Classical Mythology: one of a class of woodland deities, attendant on Bacchus, represented as part human, part horse, and sometimes part goat and noted for riotousness and lasciviousness.

        2. a lascivious man; lecher.

  12. Autumn is such a faggy season anyway: I mean just look at all that COLOR. NOT what God intended, I am sure. But after the fall in the garden, even NATURE rebels against God!!!

    (Feel a preaching rant coming on: I MEAN, why do they call it FALL?? Because MAN is FALLEN. Amen? And what is the NUMBER ONE HOLIDAY IN THE FALL (except for FOOTBALL, BLESS GAWD, HAYMEN?). THE NUMBER ONE HOLIDAY IN THE FALL IS THAT GODDAMN SATANIC HOLIDAY HALLOWEEN!!! And the liberals want us to believe that was once a CHRISTIAN HOLIDAY. And I say, puke on you, doctor dooflunkey. Because the REAL CHRISTIAN HOLIDAYS EASTER AND CHRISTMAS have nothing to do with those evil pagan roots!!!)

    /rant 😳 (Sometimes I just can’t help myself. I was originally called by my Baptist momma to be a preacher after all.)

      1. Not to mention the other reason so many go into “the ministry,” in a slight twist on the story of the unjust steward:

        What am I going to do for a living? I’m too proud to beg, and too weak to dig ditches. I know! I’ll go into “the ministry” where I can make everyone else do what I want (if they want to stay in right relationship with God, anyway), and where it is very hard to tell how much work I actually do. I won’t have to get my hands dirty, and I can BULLY people into giving more money, rather than BEGGING them for it!

    1. Ooooh you said G*D*, I’m telling your mother on you!!

      Both my old Sunday School teacher/pastor were trying to convince me that Good Friday was Catholic and shouldn’t be celebrated. But Halloween was ok because it’s been changed and they don’t use it to worship the devil πŸ™„ “Do you know how many people the Catholics have killed?” Huh? How many people do you think the devil has killed?

    1. The brilliance of that little saying is that it opens up whole new worlds of things that are sins for women. For example, my mother and sisters believed that the following activities were SINS (as in, you lose your fellowship with God if you do these things) for women to take part in:

      Military Service
      Police Work
      EMT Work
      Medical Work of Any Kind (because “scrubs have crotches”)
      Taking Science Classes at Public School (our local school had a pants-only rule for chemistry class as a safety precaution)
      Using a Riding Lawn Mower
      Riding a Motorcycle

      1. As a teen I went ice skating in an ankle length denim skirt once. The blade got caught in my skirt, I fell on my face, and my skirt had a huge rip in it. I had to sit the rest of the activity out, holding my skirt together to make sure no one saw my legs. True story πŸ™

        1. If the skirt is long and wide enough, it can open up some interesting possibilities. I learned how to do stunt roller blading in a skirt – ramps and all. If you bring your knees together when you backflip, it isn’t so immodest at all. I also ride a bike in a skirt, but that is high art. If you skirt is too long, it gets in the tires, if it is too short, you see too much. The joys of being a woman!

      1. Drink, smoke, dance, curse, use heroin, steal, kill, curse, fornicate, masturbate …

        I find whether or not you can do it in a skirt to be an unreliable indicator of whether or not you should be doing something.

    1. Walks into a bar and switches OFF the TV? Does this man have a death wish? Dragging white teens into a black gay bar? If Schapp wants to be a martyr for the LAWRD he’s certainly on the right track, tho it probably doesn’t count if you’re all but goading people to beat you up. :mrgreen:

      1. Out of all of the offensive things that Hyles and Company have said, this one probably tops the list. Hyles going to a gay bar has all the love and Christian ethics of the Inquisition. It is okay to torment people because they’re nothing but sissy-boys. In reality, Hyles would have gotten beaten senseless. Most gay bars have bouncers at the door to handle intruders such as Hyles, and they know what to do because this tactic has been tried before by so-called Christians who feel that they can stomp on others “in the name of Christ.” It takes a lot of arrogance to even hint that this type of activity is appropriate.

    2. yeah, sure. If good Christians are supposed–according to some preachers, including Jack Schaap–to “avoid the appearance of evil,” how does he know where the gay bars are? Most of them don’t advertise the orientation of their patrons, after all.

  13. I confess that I’m quite conflicted on this subject…

    My wife & girls always wear leggings beneath a skirt/dress when it gets cold outside; I’m appalled that anyone would think this is wrong. I thought that the purpose was to differentiate between male and female (male: trousers; female: skirt), but there is no reason to freeze.

    I really don’t care about trends or what society says – the important thing for me is what God has said about the subject, and He does say a lot about how we dress, but not as much as (for example) my former IFB church said.

    Perhaps I’m still carrying around a lot of baggage from our long-time steeping in the world of IFB.

    1. What exactly does God say on the subject? It probably isn’t nearly as much as you think. He isn’t nearly as concerned with it as most people are. No one has ever called me “sir” while wearing women’s slacks or jeans. I did feel a bit immodest the time my skirt flew up over my head during a windstorm, though. 😯 Your wife and girls would be much warmer wearing pants during the winter. Leggings under skirts are not as warm as pants. Have you ever asked them what they would prefer to wear? I promise you, it will not cause your girls to become lesbians if they put on a pair of pants and if boys want to lust after them they’ll lust… skirt, pants… doesn’t really matter.

      1. Hay-man! heez a sinperspiration to us all!

        But I beeleeve Bruther Fil neads to ruhpent of his much larnin. He oviouslie has fergot the doctorin of Axe 4:13a, The Doctorin of Unlarned an’ Iggnerint mens.
        Thatz tha mark of ah reel man-ah-Gawd, Hay-man? Hay-man! That thar’s gud preechin!

        1. dang george that was ‘spozed to go rite thar under Apahthetick or Whutever re-sponze. Ya finally git ‘ur spelin rite and flub thuh playcemint. doggonit now we gonna look like we ben kalled ta preech!

      2. I appreciate the response. My wife and kids were also fully into IFB-dom; we all drank fully of the kool-aid (or maybe we snorted it directly from the powder! – love that expression). We were deeply involved, and still working through issues. We want to avoid an over-correction by going too far. My wife and I have discussed the skirts/dresses only; she believes (and I agree) that skirts and dresses are more feminine. So, for now, she continues to wear skirts/dresses, and the girls do, too. We do not judge someone’s spirituality merely by what they wear, but we see no reason to deliberately offend our relatives still in IFB churches, and it’s not a big deal to my wife. I imagine the girls will have an issue with it before the wife does.

        1. My point is that people worry too much about the outward appearance. You mention your IFB relatives which makes me wonder if you might be more concerned with what they think than what God thinks. I worked at a Christian school for 13 years and had to wear a dress or skirt every day, no matter the weather. The men who made that rule graciously allowed us to wear leggings under our skirts, as well. πŸ™„

        2. choosejoy: I am primarily concerned about what God thinks. Of course, they think that women should not wear pants. But it is a minor thing to not offend them, so my wife and girls have decided to be gracious and not offend them, or put a stumbling block in their way. Doesn’t the Bible speak to this when dealing with a weaker brother? That’s how we view the situation, while we are personally not completely convinced.

        3. The “weaker brother” principle applies when our actions might cause another to sin. Will wearing pants really cause them to sin, or will it just offend them? There is a difference – Jesus was not afraid to offend the Pharisees when they came around criticizing his disciples for eating without washing their hands. They made an extra-biblical rule and expected others to follow it, and then got offended when someone did not follow it.

        4. Guilt Ridden – I think you do make a good point, just not with the “weaker brother” part. When Jesus was invited by Simon the Pharisee to eat a meal at his home, I would think that He and His disciples would have washed their hands to the letter of the law in order to not offend their host. It is certainly good Christian charity to refrain from doing something that you know will offend another person, most of the time. It was when the Pharisees rebuked His disciples that He went off on them. While there was a time for hand-washing, when they were hungry and walking through the fields was not that time. Many have posted examples of certain activities or weather conditions where it would be preferable for a girl to wear a pair of pants. A desire to avoid giving offense should not prevail over common sense in those times, and criticism should not be tolerated.

      3. chosejoy; there is quite a bit in the Bible about dressing. I don’t know that it is beneficial to quote all of it. That famous verse in Deut is about dress; it means something, even if not what the IFB church says.

        1. I think that’s the one. It obviously has something to do with what we wear, even if it doesn’t mean what my former IFB preecher said it means.

        2. The point is that men should not wear women’s clothing, and women should not wear men’s clothing. In other words, no cross-dressing! Only in the extreme fundy’s mind is a pair of pants, by definition, clothing that pertains to a man. There are styles of clothing that any reasonable person can see “pertain to a woman,” even if those cloths have a pair of legs. As a pastor once put it to me, “If I came to church in a hot pink pantsuit, would anyone really think those were meant to be worn by men?”

        3. ^Once again, good response. Also, why pick just the one verse from Deut. 22 to follow? Why not the rest of the chapter? Frankly, it doesn’t really matter if it’s a “pants on women” verse or not. If we’re going to be legalistic we had better be following it all.

        4. “Frankly, it doesn’t really matter if it’s a β€œpants on women” verse or not. If we’re going to be legalistic we had better be following it all.”

          Exactly. And to that verse I counter with this one, “You are not under the law, but under grace.” If you are going to take that verse out as a rule, you also have to build a battlement/railing around the top of your house, can’t wear clothes of mixed materials, have to put a fringe on your clothes, can’t eat pork, have to make animal sacrifices etc etc etc.

          It seems though, Guilt Ridden, that you aren’t taking a judgmental attitude about it; that’s good. It is your choice, as long as you realize you’re not bound by it.

          Another thing: cultures and clothing styles change. Back in the Edwardian period, I think it was, ankles were taboo but cleavage wasn’t. I dare anyone to look at me in jeans and think I’m a man πŸ˜›

    1. No, unfortunately, he didn’t overdo the Amens…though it must be said that he mispronounced it. We all know (no matter how hard we try to forget) that the proper pronunciation is something along these lines (exercise your Christian liberty to tweak this model, within parameters):

      “HAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY-men-ah! Bless Gawd-ah!”

  14. I remember being told (by Mrs. Malone) to “just wear two pairs of panty-hose in the winter.” Funny…she and her daughter Debbie always wore jeans.

  15. You forgot to mention Hellween:

    “Now Id like to talk to you about HELLWEEN. Dont celebrat it because it has the word HELL in it. Satan came up with it so that people could worship him insted of our Lord Je-HEE-sus. On Hellween, wicked folks use weejee boards, Taro cards, Wicka, eksetera! Now some o’ yall might think that its a harmless pastime, a holday for kids to go out and get candy. WRONG! Thats the Devils lie! Dont chu go out and believe it, or your headed straight to HELL! Fire’n’brimstone, whut I preech about! You know, Haydees! PARTITION! You want to go to HEVEN, right? Where Je-HEE-sus is? Well, if you celebrate HELLWEEN, you aint goin to there! Got it amen?

    Instead, come to our pure and godly HARVEST FEST. It’s a God-onnorin event, not like HELLWEEN at all.

    Praise th’Lord, haymen!

    1. Heh.

      Samhain (pronounced sow-en) is a pagan Celtic *HARVEST FESTIVAL*

      All Hallows Eve is a Christian holiday, the night before All Saints’ Day, a night to remember those blessed ones who’ve gone before us.

      Hmm. Guess I’ve come quite a ways, simply being able to say that.

  16. Howling mad! You might say…bent…ticked off…out of sorts, call it what you will, and if it’s sin… I’ll confess it later.
    Brother Phil, we’ll never have revival in Ameerica until we git the wimyn outa the be-uty parlers and the men into the barber shops. We gotta git back to the externls!!

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