Fundy Sex Week Day 3: We Don’t Need No Education

[spoiler title=”Click to Read–>”]

It is a core belief of fundamentalism that it is the sole responsibility of a child’s parents to mumble through a red-faced and oblique explanation of the facts of life. This most awkward of conversations will then end with the parent rushing off to do something important that they just remembered needed doing in hopes of curtailing any awkward questions. If it weren’t for the encyclopedia and occasional National Geographic wildlife documentary, it’s unlikely that most fundamentalist children would really have a clue as to where babies come from — much less how much fun it is to make them.

The ban against explaining even the most rudimentary aspects of reproduction in a classroom setting would seem to be counter intuitive to a group of people who are obsessed with keeping teens from actually having sex. If your youth group is convinced that “adultery” means “acting like an adult” and that concupiscence is a kind of dessert then how exactly can one be expected to avoid the evil and cling to the good? It’s a case of what you don’t know being able to hurt you.

But the ignorance doesn’t stop there. Even married folk in fundyland often suffer from a deplorable amount of ignorance regarding exactly their bodies work and the amazing number interesting things there are to try when they’ve got some spare time. A few brave fundies will try out a book like the LaHaye’s The Act of Marriage or the Wheat’s Intended for Pleasure but even those are too much for some fundamentalists who think that talking about or describing sex at all is akin to “Larry Flynt pornography” and would likely faint dead away if someone dared to describe how to “Split the Bamboo.”

So what’s a fundy to do? Well, here’s a thought: if you were trying to learn how to speak German, make a soufflรฉ or fly an airplane you probably would try to read books or watch videos or even (*gasp*) talk face to face with people who were knowledgeable and had some training and experience on those topics, regardless of whether they agreed with your position on eschatology. May I be so bold as to inquire what makes learning how to have great sex (or any sex for that matter!) all that different?

In this case, ignorance is not bliss nor is the awkward shame of false piety the same as godliness.[/spoiler]

177 thoughts on “Fundy Sex Week Day 3: We Don’t Need No Education”

      1. @ Don…either I’m too far gone and that was really naughty ๐Ÿ˜ˆ …or I’m too far gone and blinded by satan

  1. What fundy parents don’t seem to realize is that those children who are curious will find the information elsewhere if they do not get it from their parents.
    My parents never mentioned sex to me ever. Yet I still managed to learn quite a bit about it, despite being homeschooled in the pre-internet era.

    1. Yep. My parents did “explain” it when I was a teenager, but I already knew quite a bit from experience. And I was also homeschooled with no internet. Or tv, either.

      1. Same here. . Got half my education from friends, the other half from books. Rather sad. Worse yet, in junior high at Fundy High, my teacher came into the library, saw me reading an encyclopedia, and pounced over, demanding to know what I was reading (since it was the “s” encyclopedia), and said it better not be anything inappropriate. Truly.

        1. It should have been the “C” volume. Then you could have said, “I’m just reading about censorship.”

    2. Seriously, that’s the truth. It’s the ultimate oxymoron. They don’t want anyone else teaching their little ones about it, but then they don’t either.

      My mother was really squeamish with me, since I was the oldest and obviously the first round of having “the talk”. She must have picked the worst time ever, five minutes before my fave Saturday afternoon show was coming on. To this day, I swear she did it on purpose ๐Ÿ˜› Seeing that it was making me as uncomfortable as it was her, she mumbled something about getting back to it later. Needless to say, it never happened.

      It is annoying to know just enough to peak one’s curiosity and not enough to put the proverbial puzzle together. The idea was so we wouldn’t obsess about the subject. DUH, I was obsessing just to know the last pieces to finish the puzzle, not go out and do it. Fortunately, I came across a book that was from a christian perspective that explained it all. I can’t remember the title, but is was written in a 50’s or 60’s era and the book seemed like it was non denominational. I was feeling like “finally, I can get on to the other stuff of life!!”

      My husband and I are complete opposites when it comes to talking to our son. We tell him what he needs to know that is appropriate at the time, and within reason.

  2. Yep the consumate fundie will be an Acts 4:13a Christian in every aspect of their lives!

    that is why the most famous quote on a “true” fundie’s wedding night is,
    “I’m supposed to do what?”
    followed by “HOW?”
    Sometimes you hear, “What’s T-h-a-t?!”
    or the ego boosting, “Where is it?”
    followed shortly by the “ut oh?”
    and finally, “That it??”
    then it’s time for devotions and prayer to get that sin convered as soon as possible. Pray the guilt away… and make sure to keep short accounts with gid. heaven knows you are not right with him when you are doing that! ๐Ÿ™„

    We don’t need no education. all in all it’s like putting a brick in the wall. (at least the brick got… well it’s nice we’re having weather. Been awfully hot around here this week. Think’s I’ll just go take another shower… a cold shower. And sing a song while I’m at it.) *I’ll stop digging now…*

    1. Nice word choice with “consummate Fundy”. If only George ” respected you enough in the morning” to leave you alone. Guess he wanted to have breakfast too? :mrgreen:

      1. Don, you forgot “ouch.” True fundy women should always say that…unless, of course, their helpmeet is lacking in other departments. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  3. May I point out that the pictured couple is not married (no rings) and obviously not fundy because they are touching. Wait, maybe that just means they don’t go to PCC.

  4. I knew a girl in college that thought her husband peed on her on their wedding night when he was finished. That poor girl could have used at least “The Act of Marriage” to at least let her know how the human body works.

    1. As a kid, I heard that he man peed inside the woman. I went to ask my mom and she said that no, a man does not pee inside his wife.

      “what if he really has to go?” I asked
      “He wouldn’t” she said
      “What if she has to go pee?” I asked
      “Go outside and play” she said. ๐Ÿ˜†

  5. A boy I know may have had to explain to his girlfriend that oral sex was not the same thing as french kissing.

    That’s all I’ll admit to…

    1. wait, not that they did either of those, It was the Monica Lewinski era and the girl had no idea what the big deal was.

  6. I just don’t get it. When did Jesus say sex is a bad thing? Why can’t we just shut up and enjoy the gifts God gave us? If sex is supposed to be so bad, why did God put all those nerve endings “down there?” This whole thing just seems like another case of fundamentalists taking something wonderful and wrecking it to further their own selfish agenda, like they did with God’s message to us (the Bible) or the Greatest Commandment (to love God and one another). Sorry to sound harsh, but I’m not being nearly as harsh as most of the fundy preachers I have heard.

  7. I remember a few of the PCC (or just fundy, no special Bible college degree) nursing students expressing squeamishness over having to treat naked patients. I’m surprised PCC/fundy nursing students are able to exist, since you kind of need to know and deal with body anatomy and all.

    1. Not only that, but you have to touch members of the opposite sex, which the PCC camp apparently thinks is adultery.

    2. Regardless, every Pensacola hospital I’ve ever been to told me flat out, those PCC nurses are the best. I had a nursing admin tell me once that she’d take every PCC nursing grad she could get and lamented the fact that most of them returned to wherever state they came from…

      1. The squeamishness doesn’t last much past sophomore year. After that you become cool with it, which is a good thing because everyone you know starts coming to you asking questions about human anatomy and “how things work”.

    3. What’s sooo funny about PCC is that in the fundy-circle I was in recently PCC is considered so liberal that any good fundy would never dream of sending their kids there…..

    4. BJU nursing grad, it seemed to me that the nursing program was less kool aid infested than the rest of the campus. Perhaps it was the whole having to deal with the real world frequently, actually facing life and death situations, and of course the naked bodies, hard core fundyness does not deal well with reality. Added bonus: clearing the nearby tables in the DC by discussing the latest nursing clinical was always fun ๐Ÿ˜›

      1. The criminal justice program used to be the same way. I took several classes as electives (since my major didn’t offer a minor), and they turned out to be the most useful classes I had. Unlike Guidance and Counseling (with “Dr” Mazak), the criminal justice teacher (Mr. Hudson) had actual experience in that field. I got to work with him (he was the judge) later when I worked for the county. He’s really a nice guy.

    5. Nursing programs at any school, including fundy schools like PCC, have to conform to all the standards and expectations of that state’s board of nursing in order for their students to be certified. They don’t change their expectations for religious colleges. So, the schools have no choice but to teach them to the students.

      They do try to compensate for this on campus by telling the nursing students that they should never allow none-nursing students to look through certain of their text books, to never talk about “inappropriate medical subjects” in front of non-nursing students, and all the library’s nursing books are roped off and only nursing students are allowed to look at them (at least that is what PCC does). It always made me laugh how ignorant they assumed every other student must be. ๐Ÿ™„ ๐Ÿ˜†

      1. Wow, they actually roped it off? Insane. But if we really use our imagination, I can picture some of the foaming-at-the-mouth fundy preachers featured here roping off all kinds of places around the neighborhood if they could! ๐Ÿ™„

  8. Sadly, this phenomenon of not talking to your kids about s-e-x isn’t limited to fundies. My parents, who are lapsed Catholics: Dad said nothing and my Mom’s advice was, “Don’t get pregnant.” Having said that, I’m not looking forward to the sex talk with my boys when they get older. ๐Ÿ˜

      1. Big Gary, I was married 7 years before my first baby came along, thanks to the nice AF Doctor that reversed my husband’s vasectomy. (:evil: DH’s first (Fundy) wife urged him to get one after 3 kids, knowing the whole time she was going to dump him when something better came along. She did and is now on husband #3, but I digress).
        Tena, good advice. My 9-year old hasn’t said anything, but I should talk with him about sex if he brings it up.

    1. Don’t wait till your boys get “older” for the sex talk. It begins now at whatever age they are with open dialogue with them about their body and how it works. Then keeping the dialogue an ongoing process by using every day conversations and circumstances to have open and honest communication with them.

      We have to break the cycle of shame and misinformation that was passed down to us from our parents, and help them see what a beautiful and fulfilling part of their lives.

      1. I agree, Tena. I have spoken openly and honestly with my now 9-year-old son whenever he asked questions. At first, it was SUPER hard for me. But now it’s no big deal for either of us. I just didn’t want him to have the same sense of shame or “it’s bad” feelings that my husband and I did growing up.

        1. Jess, just keep at it. It is a little weird at first, but if you keep it up it will be natural. Then, when it is time for the really “big” conversations you will have already established a pattern of being open and available. My guys are 16, 19, & 21 and we have always been able to talk openly about everything. I’m convinced it is because we started when they were young and always talked about everything and LISTENED to them even when it wasn’t very interesting ๐Ÿ™„
          If you want them to share with you when they are older you have to start when they are very young.

    2. Hey, it even extends to non-church goers. The sex film they showed us at Godless Elementary School in 5th grade was a tad vague on the anatomical details, leaving me to presume that it was anal. My mom, a lapsed Pentecostal, was at a bit of a loss. (I was a “Bobby Hill” prototype.)
      It fell to my father, a lapsed sailor, to resolve the whole mess. Knowing I was a bookworm, he came home from work at the railroad with a sack full of porn. He thrust the bag at me and said, “Here, boy, don’t just read the articles, look at the pictures too.” Problem solved. ๐Ÿ™‚

  9. Another story, on my wedding night, when I was 23 (TWENTY THREE) my mom asked me if there was anything “I needed to know”? I know what she was referring to (and almost laughed in her face), and said “no”. She responded with, “Well, it’s really only good for the guy. It’s not that great for a girl. You’ll see.”

    1. RJW, that’s one of the saddest things I’ve ever heard. She didn’t get any pleasure from sex? Alas, alas.

    2. Well, if a woman isn’t able to orgasm during “regular” intercourse, and the man isn’t willing to help her out a little, then yes, she would be correct.

    3. The Victorian British advice for a woman was “lie back and think of England”, in other words, there is nothing for you to enjoy here. You are only doing this to produce a (male) child to ensure the future of the country.

    4. RJW, that’s what’s almost exactly what my mom said to me before my wedding (incidentally, I was also 23). She told me women don’t enjoy it and that it’s really just for men. I feel really bad for her ๐Ÿ™

    5. Apparently, my MIL told my husband, “Everything your father ever learned about sex he got from Playboy.” His thought: “If that were true, you should be a lot happier.”

    6. Yikes.

      I was the pianist at a friend’s wedding when I was 20. All the girls stayed with her the night before. At one point, her mom called her away – a few moments later, she came running into the room with the rest of us and slammed the door shut. We learned that apparently her mom told her that she didn’t experience an orgasm for the first 10 years of her marriage, so it was normal if her daughter didn’t, either. At the time, I thought that maybe that was normal – especially since I know and like the girl’s father. Being married now, though, my respect for that man has plummeted.

      1. It’s really not fair to put all the blame on the man. Many women (fundy and otherwise) simply do *not* know their own bodies and have no clue how to orgasm, much less how to tell someone else what works for them. If a woman isn’t comfortable in her own skin, a man may never be able to get her off. ๐Ÿ˜

        1. ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

          I can’t even think of anything snarky to say.

    1. “Sex with Demons” turned out to have been the kink of the guy who wrote that late-Medieval Witchfinder’s Bible, the Malleus Malefacarium. A documentary traced down the authorship to this one guy who seems to have been obsessed with Witch-slash-Demon action. At least (before he wrote the book) his bishop kicked him out because of his obsessive conduct along those lines at some sort of court proceeding.

    2. Oy, vey, Rick Perry and his pals. ๐Ÿ˜ฅ

      Would you please say you’re from some other state, Rick?

  10. I was one of the lucky ones. My siblings were teenagers when I was born, and my first nephew was born when I was nine. I had access to books about sexuality and human anatomy very early on, and (other than a naughty sense of humor), I handled the information well. My Christian school friends, OTOH… yiiie. They were having sex with a lot less information than I had (sometimes almost none), and then coming to me (who definitely wasn’t getting any but at least knew something) asking questions. Oy vey! My school had a high teen pregnancy rate. Tell me how keeping the kids ignorant worked out again? ๐Ÿ™„

      1. If the liberals aren’t after Sarah they go after her kids, oh well, as long as they have Palin for their last name.

        1. My comment is directed purely at Sarah and her insistence on “abstinence only” health education. It worked for her kids as well as it does for other kids– not at all.

          But now that Bristol is charging huge fees to speak about “teen abstinence,” she’s fair game, too.

        2. I’m guessing abstinence ed doesn’t get into what to do if someone rapes you. Or into defining what rape is. Nothing good comes from being uneducated.

        3. She’s fair game, take off the gloves, let’s smash her while she’s down!!!

          How about some Christian love and understanding for this young lady that made a mistake, and will forever live with that mistake.

        4. How is Bristol Palin “Down” in any meaningful way? She’s been on TV, and she’s making big money giving speeches on abstinence, despite being a shining example of why it doesn’t work.

        5. Also, greg, I’d like to once again draw attention to the fact that I’m superbly liberal, and defending Bristol Palin here. I’m not even sure that *she* made any mistakes! Read the article, for why.

          Do I think advocating abstinence-only education is harmful? Yes. It seems to have hurt her, too.

    1. The whole point is to control women’s sexuality. The less she knows, the better for the man.

      1. Maybe in terms of power, but not in terms of good sex! Ignorant wives make for unsatisfactory sex for both parties.

        1. Absolutely true. But your assuming that it’s supposed to be good for him too. Nothing about fundamentalism says that any sex is supposed to be good for anyone.

        2. Not true at all. Ladies at my former church actually started to complain that the pastor’s wife was getting waaaaaaay too graphic. And they weren’t exactly shrinking violets. Every church is different, and by this point in life, you should know that most blanket statements just don’t work.

  11. I remember feeling disgusted and sick to my stomach when I finally figured out on my own (somewhere around 15 or 16) how sex worked. It would have been nice to have some sort of perspective on what sex was. Also, I remember feeling a lot of shame. I was taught that nakedness was “ugly”. As a child, if my shirt exposed my belly my mom would say “that’s nasty, cover that up!” I was so clueless. Not even devouring encyclopedias or anything else helped me figured things out ๐Ÿ˜

  12. my ex wife had SO many hangups and SO much guilt about sex as a result of the way her fundy preacher dad raised her. i think the only times she heard about sex from her parents was when her dad was preaching against sexual sin. so, naturally, she associated sex with sin, disobedience, guilt, God’s wrath, etc.

    1. And the funny thing is, when the wedding night arrives you can’t just flip a switch and change how you feel about sex.

  13. When I did youth work, I tried to get some things right about sex. This is what I said:

    Oral sex is still sex.

    If you don’t want a baby, don’t do anything that will make a baby.

    If you don’t want a disease, don’t do anything that will give you a disease.

    What every boy needs to hear from his mother (stolen from THE BLIND SIDE): If you get a girl pregnant out of wedlock, I’ll cut off your penis.

    What every girl needs to hear from her father: If you get pregnant out of wedlock, we’ll be very disappointed, but we’ll still love you and love your baby.

    1. I told my kids “Boys have outies girtls have innies. Untill marriage, never the twain shall meet.” Guess I didn’t say it seriously enough. ๐Ÿ™„

      1. “Girls have a button,
        Boys have a pole;
        And Wicked Touching takes its toll.”
        — Some YouTube video I can’t find now

    2. “What every boy needs to hear from his mother (stolen from THE BLIND SIDE): If you get a girl pregnant out of wedlock, Iโ€™ll cut off your penis.
      What every girl needs to hear from her father: If you get pregnant out of wedlock, weโ€™ll be very disappointed, but weโ€™ll still love you and love your baby.”

      So the girl gets unconditional love and support, and the boy gets threatened with sexual mutilation? WTF is *wrong* with you? Presumably both were willing partners, both chose to have sex, and BOTH teens need the love and support of their parents as they move into the next phase of their lives.

      1. Trouble is, I’ve seldom heard that version, as opposed to the “dirty little slut, corrupting that innocent boy” song & dance. ๐Ÿ™

        1. “But they did it first!” isn’t an excuse I accept from my kids.

          On a side note, I have never ever heard anyone threaten to sexually mutilate a girl for getting pregnant. I *have* heard slut shaming (obvi), but that doesn’t make it ok to threaten to cut off someone’s penis. I am amazed that anyone would defend this.

        2. Actually, scratch that. Given the disturbingly large percentage of parents who actually *do* whack of a part of their sons’ penises, this doesn’t surprise me at all.

          Carry on.

  14. In all fairness I believe my mom was going to tell me. She had a book and everything but by the time she got around to it I already knew. We did talk abstractly about it all….it wasn’t a topic of conversation but wasn’t really forbidden either. It was just kind of..there.

    We had the school nurse talk to us girls about it. Public school btw.

    For the life of me I can’t remember having a ‘talk’ with my kids. I think we just sort of talked about it in bits and pieces when opportunities arose so by the time they were older they had all the info they needed.

    You might laugh but that silly show “Full House’ helped us a lot. Jesse and Rebekkah fell in love and got married and had twins. Nice segue ways to talk about more serious things.

    I admit I was more concerned with them joining a cult than I was about this so I talked to them a LOT about that. ๐Ÿ˜€ ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

    1. In the 60s the public school I went to, in 7th grade had a day when the girls had an assembly seperate from the guys. The girls got educated and the guys watched sports films.

    2. I find that The Simpsons help bring up a lot of otherwise difficult subjects. Oh, and reading through the Old Testament: “Dad, what’s a harlot?”

  15. “In this case, ignorance is not bliss nor is the awkward shame of false piety the same as godliness.”

    That is full of win

  16. This topic is very near and dear to my heart. The issue of sex education. While I certainly agree that the parents should be teaching their children I do not believe that it is under their sole jurisdiction. And the way we approach sex education, both in the church and in America is dangerous and is a major cause of the problem.

    Yes parents should be teaching their children, but there are few factors that must be considered and these few factors are why we need sex education in both the schools and in church. First is the fact that not all parents will actually have this conversation. Lets face it most parents are just as embarrassed to talk about how their blessed child got into this world then the child is to hear it. The cold hard fact is that depending upon the parents to do this is failure from the beginning.

    The second thing is misinformation, poor information, or lacking in information. A friend of mine said that when his father gave him the sex talk, when he was very young, he thought that woman got pregnant via their mouth. Why? Well because his father mentioned a hole, but didn’t say which one. Even parents who are open don’t always have all the information or the latest.

    The final thing that is especially true as the child gets older is that sometimes things need to come from different sources before they trust it. As a child gets into their teen years they may hear what their parents are saying, but may not take it to heart. However, hearing it from 3rd parties may actually help it sink in more then if they only hear it from their parents.

    I’ve seen far too many Fundies end up with surprises or hurt because of their lack of knowledge regarding sex. That includes the married ones. Having no education is far more dangerous than having too much education. Having sex ed doesn’t give the children a license to have sex. You aren’t encouraging it by talking about it. But you are playing with fire by not talking about it. And far too many people get hurt as a result.

  17. So I’ve been waiting to tell this story and this looks like the day to do it. During my short stint in Fundy U, I was in preacher boys class for a semester or so. Primarily the class involved the president of the college “teaching” us how to deal with various aspects of the ministry. Quite often we would have a guest pastor speak to us or teach us about whatever we were studying at the time. Usually it was whoever had spoken in chapel that day. Now, the only thing we really had to do in the class was take notes and take a few minor tests from time to time. There was one guy in the class, a younger married student I’ll call George, who never took notes. Seriously the class was absurdly easy, so many times most of us didn’t take notes, but George always sat there, notebook closed on his lap, arms spread out over the back of the chairs on his side. It wasn’t that he didn’t care, it was that the class was easy and you could tell that George knew he could be spending his time better elsewhere, but it was a required class for pastoral majors.

    So one day, Dr. Ed Nelson was the chapel speaker. Preacher boys class followed immediately after chapel so we got to listen to him twice. Two hours of him and I only remember one thing he said, because there’s no way I’ll ever forget it. During the preacher boys class he was “teaching” us about counseling parishioners. At one point Dr. Ed launched into how to give premarital counseling. For the most part his talk was as boring as fundy pastor could make it, but then he rolled a grenade across the floor. He suddenly says, and you could tell this was one of his hills he would die on, “Boys, when you become a pastor you will have to deal with some hard issues and deliver straight truth to some couples as they prepare for their wedding night. There is one issue that you boys will have to deal with and it comes from the pits of hell itself. The issue is oral sex. Here’s why it’s wrong. Oral sex leads straight to homosexuality. A couple that engages in oral sex has led their marriage to the doorway of hell where one or both of them will no longer be satisfied with sex with their spouse and will be led away into homosexuality.” (I had no idea that going down on someone was a gateway drug like marijuana. ๐Ÿ˜† ) Needless to say, most of us were trying very hard to not laugh right out loud at him . . . and then came George. I was seated close enough to him that could see him if he ever did take notes or not and he suddenly decided to take a note. Suddenly, and all while keeping a straight face, George whips his notebook open and writes down the only thing he wrote the whole semester. In huge letters he writes, “NO ORAL SEX YOU FAG”, then he sat back, put his arms around the chair next to him, and acted like nothing ever happened.

    1. I really hope he wrote that as a joke. Please tell me it was a joke. ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

      1. Sorry, should have explained further. Yes! George clearly meant it as a joke mocking Dr. Nelson.

        1. Hey I’m just checking. I go to the luverly Bob Jones, and well….. Some people. *Shakes head in disgust* ๐Ÿ™„

    2. Is ” George” a Fundy pastor who is “counseling” people these days?????? ๐Ÿ˜ฅ

      1. I have no idea where he is, but his comment was a joke. He appeared to be on his way out of fundamentalism and was just getting his degree, so I suspect that if he ever became a pastor he’s not a fundy.

      2. It’s upsetting enough that “Dr.” Nelson is apparently counseling people these days, or did at some time.

        Maybe not directly relevant, but if there were such a thing as an electronic detector for neurotically repressed homosexuals, saying something like “A couple that engages in oral sex has led their marriage to the doorway of hell where one or both of them will no longer be satisfied with sex with their spouse and will be led away into homosexuality,โ€ would set off all the buzzers and make all the lights flash.

        1. LOL, seriously! It’s like he’s opening a window into his own thoughts there.

          Also, uh…he said both husband and wife could turn gay if they had oral sex. Well, how exactly, would that work for the wife? I mean, if she became a lesbian, the other woman wouldn’t have the same equipment…it just makes no sense.

          Now, if Dr. Ed said something about the husband going to his friends house and getting a blow job from him, THAT might mean he’s gay…

        2. @Ben Thinking that oral sex is only preformed ON males might be a sign that you’ve been indoctrinated by fundy sex education. ๐Ÿ˜‰

    3. From that story, I have to wonder if maybe, just maybe, this George knew a little more about oral sex than everyone else in the room…

  18. Before I was pregnant the first time (had 6 miscarriages before my daughter came along) my parents would constantly drop hints abou wanting grandchildren. Sometimes I wanted to tell them that it hasn’t happened because they never explained how babies are made.

    1. My wife and I waited until after 7 years to start trying. People would ask more frequently as the few short years passed. I told my wife that I wanted to start telling people that she swallows every time, but nothing happens. ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

      My REAL canned response became, “when it happens, YOU’LL be the first to know.” People sort of got the hint that it wasn’t really their business.

      BTW, our baby boy is 5 weeks old now.

      1. That reminds me of a funny, but obscene joke.
        Just imagine that I told it here, OK?

      2. My husband has a co-worker that kept nagging him about when we’d start trying for another baby, fully aware of our history of losses. He kept trying to get her the change the subject but she wouldn’t back down. Finally he just asked her “How about I ask you about your sex life?!” Shut her right up. I can’t stand when people feel like it’s their place to ask questions like this. Fundies are especially guilty of this.

        1. Oh Shelly, that’s awful. Did that woman have no idea how insensitive she was being, or what pain she was causing? That your husband didn’t lamp her one on the jaw, shows great strength of character.

        2. Shelly, that’s so awful. I may not be able to have children, which isn’t common knowledge among my few friends or the people at my church. Most of the people who do know, however, constantly say things to me like “WHEN you have kids…” etc. If I correct them and say “IF, not when,” they become angry and tell me that I’m young and will certainly be able to bear children, they “just know it.” It’s so frustrating and demoralizing. Being young has nothing to do with having an incurable disease. People are awful sometimes.

  19. We had books with anatomy and pictures and stuff, but nothing that addressed how the the daddy planted the seed in the mommy. I was not looking forward to a man with a spade coming at me some day to plant his seed in my belly. ๐Ÿ˜ฅ One day, in my teens, out of boredom I picked one of my dad’s shop magazines (Mechanics Illustrated) and was reading an article on electrical repairs. It kept talking about the male connectors and the female connectors, which I found quite confusing and because I didn’t know which was which. When I finally realized that the male connector plugs into the female connector, the light went on. Am I the only person in the world who figured out sex from a shop manual? ๐Ÿ˜ณ

      1. ^^^

        What a tool.

        (I’m kidding! I just wanted to keep the metaphor going!)

      2. This just in: IEEE Standards are now considered porngraphic reading material and something no true Christian should have any contact with. ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

        1. IEEE standards are a common topic where I work (with engineers). Never thought I’d see them mentioned here. Major LMAO ๐Ÿ˜†

  20. I heard about sex before I heard about male and female electrical parts. I was putting extension cords together for some project at church and an older gentleman kept talking about the male and female ends. I was so surprised! I thought he was talking like a “dirty old man.”

    First time I heard about sex was from a neighborhood friend. I didn’t believe him at first. I thought he just had a dirty mind.

    1. Haha! That’s so true. I got chewed out one time as a teenager in our youth group for that. I was a senior, helping to set up a stage for VBS or something, and I asked a younger guy (9th, 10th grade, something like that) to pass me the female end of an extension cord. Cue a completely lost, quizzical look from him; now I have to explain what that means. I hold up the other cord (with the male end) and say, “See this? This is the MALE end. I need the FEMALE end. The OPPOSITE KIND. Get it?” Next time his mom sees me she marches right over and reads me the riot act for being vulgar in front of her child. (What was I going to say? I *needed* that cord! :D)

      1. Would she have felt better if you’d said, “I want the little girl end, not the little boy end”?

  21. Anybody get educated from the magazine rack in the back of the corner drugstore? Cause, ya know, I sure didn’t.

    1. I learned it from the nudie magazines swiped from my neighbor’s garage!!!

      By the way, after 20 years in the electrical trade, that I started just out of fundy-xxx high school, I never, until this moment thought of male and female outlets or cord ends the way “Iwasateenagefundy” described it in the above post!! ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

      1. You mean you didn’t know what “male” and “female” connectors mean, or you didn’t realize it was a reference to mammalian anatomy?

        I used to blush when I heard people speak of “male” or “female” plumbing or electrical parts, but I’ve gotten over it. I can’t say I ever didn’t know what it meant, though. See, this part is made to go into that part, the same way that … Oh, never mind.

        1. I grew up in the white bread suburbs where even the animals were so discrete that I never saw them ‘do it’. I was no farm kid.

  22. This makes for such reading pleasure! My mother told me NOTHING about sex. I first learned of it from the World Book Encyclopedias that she used to sell. Then I was really enlightened during highschool by reading my cousin’s trashy, graphic romance novels. I remember countless fundy couples from highschool and college who had terrible honeymoons and not much improvement later. I remember hoping that I wouldn’t marry a fundy and did not. In the girls dorms, there was more talk of fear than anticipation. Apparently they didn’t read the same books as I. I am amazed at newlyweds in my SBC church who are sexually frustrated by frequency & skill. The counselors at my church give the book Sheet Music by Leman to engaged couples. I don’t know of any book more instructional. It’s supposed to be fun! Having sex w/my husband is my favorite free weekend activity; however, as a rule we don’t wait until the weekend.

  23. My wife’s fundy mother told her that she shouldn’t wear tampons since that “took” her virginity…also they would kill her with toxic infection…

    1. Wow, I thought my mom was the only one in the world who told her daughter that tampons were evil because they robbed girls of their virginity.

    2. Yep, my Mom told me the same thing. I took a lifeguarding class at my Fundy U and was forced to use them…and amazingly I did not die. And I was still a virgin on my wedding night. LOL I never thought to ask my younger sister if my Mom told her the same thing…

    3. I was on the receiving end of the embarrassing lecture too. How else do you go the beach???

  24. In our relationship, my husband was pretty much *completely* ignorant about sex before I entered his life…I had been properly and thoroughly educated by my mom, but his parents told him absolutely nothing. It made for a very awkward (and short) “first time.”

  25. Electric bear, You can thank me later. That is unless I have just ruined your line of work for you. Of course they say that men think about sex almost every waking. Now it will be almost every working moment.

  26. My husband and I were both raised in fundy homes–mine much less strict than his. (We were virgins when we got married, but had definitely kissed prior to the Big Day. A LOT.)

    We read The Act of Marriage before our wedding day. (Pretty sure my husband read it frequently and thoroughly.) I haven’t seen the book in ages, but I suspect that if some of these young innocent fundies read it before the wedding night, things would go much better for them! IF you know what I mean.

    If I recall correctly, it was clear, factual, reader-friendly, and VERY informative. And it definitely didn’t treat sex as a procreation thing only–it was clear that this was supposed to a highly enjoyable, often recreational, pastime. ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. The author of _The Act of Marriage_ is a 1950 graduate of Bob Jones University. He had to spend year doing undergraduate work at North Greenville College (now University) because he and his wife got married at the age of 20 and did not receive a “papal sanction” for their nuptials which were considered “under age” but the University.

        1. On the other hand, the present day picture of Tim and his wife is pretty much enough to guarantee no erection for about 72 hours.

  27. OK, Darrell, I’m going to freely admit my ignorance here, and ask advice from an expert. What the heck is “split the bamboo”? I’m familiar with “69”, “golden showers”, BJ’s (the non-button kind), and a host of other really imaginative terms, so why don’t I know this one?

    1. I’ve heard it called many, many things but “Bamboo?” Oh, wow, why did’t I think of this earlier?

      BAM! BOO… Qualified!” ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

  28. I am thankful that I went to public school in my Fundy years and got a real, thorough sex education.

    I feel bad for homeschooled kids that run on Abeka (or similar), skip the Science and Social Studies sections on their yearly standardized tests (some states let them get away with this) and don’t know much about how life works. Their honeymoon IS scary.

  29. When I was in elementary school a pair of dogs got on the playground and gave us kids an education. :mrgreen:

    Moved to the country when I was a teenager. I couldn’t believe it the first time I saw a male horse’s member fully exposed. ๐Ÿ˜ฏ

    Went into electronics in my early 20’s. There were the silly jokes about the “male” and “female” connectors. And then one poem got passed around the factory:
    Diode! Electrode! Overload!
    Generator! Oscillator!
    Come on and make a circuit with me. ๐Ÿ˜†

    1. Electronics school in the Marine Corps meant this is how you learned your Resistor color codes:
      Bad Boys ROur Young Girls, But Violet Gives Willingly

      1. A teacher in one of my electronics classes said that one – boy, did he get dirty looks from all the ladies in the class! ๐Ÿ˜†

    2. Moved to the country when I was a teenager. I couldnโ€™t believe it the first time I saw a male horseโ€™s member fully exposed.

      “We’re talking Fluttershy here! She probably fainted the first time she saw a stallion unsheathed!”
      — one-liner from a My Little Pony fanfic

  30. I had a friend through high school and who became my room mate her freshman year at BJU. I was reading an article in a magazine aloud to here one evening and it mentioned lesbian. She had no idea what a lesbian was at 18 years old. i explained it. her parents thought i was a bad influence. that and i encouraged her to get her ears pierced now that she was 18 and away from home! LoL

  31. I may have told this story here before.

    A classmate of my niece by marriage related this to me. She was raised completely ignorant of the facts of puberty and sex, in order to keep her pure. She was also raised running tame in her best friend’s house and vice versa. I should mention here that her friend was a boy.

    So one afternoon, while their mothers were having coffee, the two friends were in her back yard, lying on the grass in the sun. And one of them reached out to touch the other. They were both in their preteens or very early teens and he was just as ignorant as she was. All they knew was that this felt good and so did this and so did this. And when they got up, they weren’t virgins. They knew that much from schoolyard talk and seeing dogs go at it. But nobody had ever given them the tools for managing their own sexual impulses or clearly explained the process of arousal.

    His mother called from the front of the house and they went home. He couldn’t look at her the next day at school without crying. He was consumed with shame. So was she. They weren’t pure anymore. They were irremediably stained. Their friendship was over. She stopped smiling, stopped taking interest in anything. A few weeks later, she overheard her mother talking to some other adult. The other adult said, “My, N. has been moody lately. Do you think she’s upset about a boy?”

    Her mother laughed and replied, “Oh, no, of course not. N. is too young to even think about that kind of thing!”

    She was in her junior or senior year of high school and she still couldn’t tell the story without sobbing uncontrollably. Her mother still did not know that she wasn’t a virgin anymore, or why she and her childhood best friend hadn’t spoken in years. Her mother was just as ignorant as she had been, so what was the point in saying anything?

    1. I can’t remember which writer said, “Virginity is the most unnatural of all sexual perversions.”

      (Now I’m going to go put on my flame-proof suit.)

      1. โ€œVirginity is the most unnatural of all sexual perversions.โ€

        So you’ve been in Furry Fandom too?

    2. I’ve heard of girls who were raised completely ignorant of the facts of puberty and sex, who had their first “special time of the month” and thought they had been injured and were bleeding to death. Wonderful way to encourage distress, add to the tension and promote a lifetime of major PMS. But after all we’re women and we all deserve the curse of Eve. Tell me again what it was that I did before I was born that merited punishment? And what George did before he was born that merited privilege?

      1. I had a couple of friends who had their first period without knowing what was happening. One friend, you can’t really blame anyone, it was not due to any religious reasons, it was just because she was only 9. Her mom hadn’t told her yet because she didn’t think she needed to! But since she started at school, all of the girls in 4th grade (and most of the boys :roll:) found out what it was!
        The other friend, it was sad. She started a couple of weeks before her 12th birthday. Her mother didn’t tell her because she was a hyper-religious, SBC on the fundy side type, who just plain didn’t talk about sex. Really scary for her. Too bad I didn’t know her back then (she told me what had happened years later.) If I knew her when she was about 10 or 11, I’m sure I would have told her about it, and everything else about the facts of life! ๐Ÿ˜† The one thing I always kind of wondered, was the girl went to public school! She must not have hung out with anyone who wasn’t also religious and sheltered.

      2. Iโ€™ve heard of girls who were raised completely ignorant of the facts of puberty and sex, who had their first โ€œspecial time of the monthโ€ and thought they had been injured and were bleeding to death.

        — opening scene of Carrie by Stephen King

    1. I’ve seen that one before. I’m pretty sure it’s a parody (although some parodies can get pretty close to the truth) but it’s still hilarious!

      1. But he’s a *gasp* scientist!!!! From the secular world! No fundie would ever expose his children to that filth. He might teach them about *evolution* next… ๐Ÿ˜‰

  32. Yep. I definitely thought oral sex was french kissing until the age of, oh, approximately 16.

  33. My IFB parents never told me anything. I learned from gutting deer and riding in the back of the school bus. My wife’s mom explained things to her in the months leading up to our wedding (and we were married when we were 23). Thankfully, it has not hurt our relationship…but we do have to make sure the bedroom door is locked when we have company…it’s hard to remember to put things away ๐Ÿ˜‰

  34. I love the books on the subject. Nothing sexier than textbook sex. Yeehaw!

    I learned about it from HBO. My next door neighbor had it and my parents didn’t know.

    Well, that and the kid across the street who always wanted to show me his pee-pee.

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