Commandments Concerning Weddings

And when it shall come to pass that two fine young fundamentalists of opposite sex shall have have completed their dating or courtship or purchase or whichever biblical method their pastor hath decreed, that they shall have a fundamentalist wedding. And the observance of this wedding shall be on thus wise…

The bride shall adorn herself with yard and yards of fabric so that nary a square inch of bare skin shall be visible to the naked eye, neither the skin of her arm, nor her bosom, nor the cleavage between her toes shall in anywise be on display lest the congregation be forced to pluck out their eyes in unison upon her entrance. The groom can wear whatever he wants.

And the music shall be that of the strings and the organ and the piano for nothing says “I love you forever” like the lyrical stylings of the great Ron Hamilton, may his tribe increase and his wiggle worms be ever squashable. And when the strains of “Your Forever” shall play upon the instruments then shall the women of the congregation dab their eyes with a hanky and say “how sweet!” and never mind that the theology is really terrible and sounds vaguely Mormon.

And the preacher shall wax long and loud in giving his challenge to the newly married people and shall spare not to air all of his pet peeves such as unwed mothers, gay marriage and income taxes. And in doing so he shall establish that the most important person in this wedding is definitely himself. So shall it ever be.

And after the vows and songs and smooching there shall be a reception held in the church gymnasium. And of the reception there shall in no case be wine served for Jesus would not approve. Neither shall there be upbeat music which might lead to dancing lest someone mistake this for an actual celebration. Also, it’s a lot cheaper.

And when the time shall come that the bride and groom shall depart then shall the congregation of those present breathe a happy sigh and speculate on whether it shall be 9 or 10 months from now that their first child shall appear depending on how long it takes them to figure things out. And all shall rejoice that another fundy man has gathered to himself an helpmeet for to serve him all the days of his life. Amen.

Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements, pp. 401-402

185 thoughts on “Commandments Concerning Weddings”

      1. At work + android = maybe I’ll assault my ears later πŸ˜‰

        And here I figured you would have found a way to include “I want to marry daddy” in the piece.

        1. Agreed. It seems like you haven’t really covered the subject if you don’t have someone (the bride?) sing “I Want to Marry Daddy.”

  1. Oh this sounds so familiar. I’ve been to too many weddings like this. I’m so glad my friends from my fundy life aren’t inviting me to weddings anymore. Especially after the way my last date dressed. I think half the guests plucked out their eyes.

  2. It is amazing that the joy can be zapped out of one of the most joyful days of your life.
    “nor the cleavage between her toes shall in anywise be on display…” best line ever. When I taught in a Christian School, I was reprimanded for my sinful shoes. 😈

  3. And the preacher shall wax long and loud . . . And in doing so he shall establish that the most important person in this wedding is definitely himself.

    Fundy preachers at weddings = Michael Scott at Phyllis’s wedding

  4. The first child shall appear….depending on how long it takes them to figure things out!!

    It’s just too true. Although in my Fundy tribe there were two camps: the ones who had never kissed or held hands and the ones who were being snickered at for wearing white. πŸ™„

    Although there were plenty of male “turbo whores” at the altar as well.

  5. And when said couple shall return from their honeymoon which began the Monday after the wedding and not on Sunday because they needed to be in church on Sunday, they will be pointed out by the pastor as the new Mr. and Mrs. _______ wherein the church will give a light applause and said couple will bask in the limelight for a period of approximately two weeks at which such time they will go back into relative obscurity within the congregation until the time they bring their two-day old baby to church for the first time. Said couple will also now be required to attend the young marrieds Sunday school class and not the teen class.

  6. What? No commandments regarding the act of smooching? We must have different editions of the Independent Baptist Book of Everlasting Rules and Requirements.

  7. My fundy cousin (who may or may not be the son of a distinguished fundy man-o-gawd) got married a couple years ago and his wedding was whhhhaaack. Plus, there were NO hot girls there, but that didn’t surprise me much.

  8. Maybe it was just where I grew up but Fundy weddings ALWAYS had a time for “winning your lost aunt Betty to the Lord”
    It was usually when the helpmeat was dismissed to kiss her Lord in the back room and then come back after the plan of salvation was given. (Every head bowed, every eye closed.)

    1. Oh yes, it always went something like “Now, I know you all brought gifts for the bride and groom today, but the best gift that they would say you could give them was if one of their lost friends or relatives came to know Jesus through their union” etc. Always an invitation before the reception, but it was always kinda awkward, because you could hear the bridal party in the back atrium hooting and hollering after they left the auditorium. πŸ˜›

      1. -although I did get turned down for wanting to play some Phantom of the Opera music if a certain IFB was going to conduct the wedding. I didn’t have a pastor at the time and this un-named IFB was good friends with the in-laws, so- no “devil music” it is. πŸ™

  9. I remember the first non-Baptist wedding I went to and was overwhelmed that there was beer and wine and dancing. And it wasn’t in the Fellowship Hall. And there were people there that weren’t immediate family and “the church”! Aiiigh! (Maybe that was the slippery slope that made me the brazen hussy I am today, who knows? I can tell you my second wedding had two open bars and a DJ.)

    1. Because my mom is the fundy of the family, and my dad was not, he set up a little “mini-bar” in the trunk of his car at my reception (in the parking lot of the church) His friends would sneak out, have a drink, wander back in, repeat until the church people started to notice. A bunch of people got their panties all in a bunch over that, but I didn’t really care. (I didn’t even know about it till after I got back from my honeymoon…) πŸ˜†

  10. Wow, Darrell, you are WAY too young to have been at MY wedding, but obviously you were there. Of course it ought to be mentioned that I made my own wedding dress because there were none of proper modesty that were within my price range (or within the borders of our state) and also made my own wedding cake because my mother said we shouldn’t pay money to someone else for something that we knew how to do anyway. Oh yeah, and a *friend* from church offered to take our pictures. But he forgot to load his camera so we had no pictures of it all. Just as well I guess. And today is my anniversary. πŸ˜€

      1. Thank you! 33 years now. I guess for a “fundy” wedding, it stuck anyway. (but I would have a REAL wedding if I had it to do over again ~ and wasn’t old)

        1. 33 years congratulations! Have you thought about renewing your vows? You could wear what you wanted and have a rocking reception.

        2. We went to Hawaii on our 25th and renewed vows in the Pacific Ocean. It was AWESOME! We didn’t have a party though because all our friends were at home. We may have a big shin-dig for 35. Or we may just go back to Hawaii. Don’t know yet.

  11. Our wedding was a disaster, so much so that I don’t even like to talk about it, because the pastor totally ruined it with his self-righteousness. We literally had friends and family calling us after our honeymoon to apologize for the way the pastor acted, but of course he never did or will, but gets offended when I don’t want to speak to him for totally turning my unsaved family away from any sort of Christianity because of the way he acted.

    1. “…to apologize for the way the pastor acted, but of course he never did or will…”

      To the fundy pastor that is another notch in the belt. They are so proud of the fact that ONLY they preach the truth and if that offends someone then it is just further justification of their belief that if you are not a fundy, you are miserable and hate God.

      1. Hmmm… George. A random “T”? Really?

        What I was really going to say is that the thing that bothers me most, is that he knows he screwed up bad, but wants to ignore it and move on. Apparently, our families were so hostile to him at the reception that he and his wife had to leave before we even got there. He knows he messed up, but would never admit it to us underlings.

        1. He probably will not admit it to himself. It is hard to admit a mistake when you believe that any possible error could make you subject to Matthew 18:6.

        2. He could use the old excuse, “Mistakes were made (but not by me)”

          (There’s a great book on self-justification, BTW, with the same title) πŸ™‚

    2. I went to a fundy wedding where the pastor said (in his sermon about the couple) “These two just prove that there is no jar so crooked that there isn’t a lid to match” They weren’t either one the most attractive or *normal* people I ever met, but if someone said that at MY wedding I would have been really mad.

        1. My pastor thought they were one in the same. He did NOT officiate and my wedding.

  12. You also must remember that all weddings must be inside the church, not anywhere pretty and outside – because only in a bland church auditorium can Gid truly be able to bless the couple.

    And, via the Very Duggar Wedding, on the way to the wedding night, you can listen to a cd of your pastor explain the uh, “act of marriage” in the car with your blushing bride. πŸ˜†

    1. My observation has been that it’s a rare IFB church that doesn’t have a bland auditorium. The only exceptions are older churches that are ex-ABC or ex-SBC and have kept their lovely old buildings because the stained glass windows are valuable.

  13. Oh, and at a friend’s wedding – which she wanted to hold at her parent’s church (IFB), she was going to be required to have her bridesmaid dresses “checked” for modesty reasons. Needless to say, she disappointed her parents and moved the wedding.

  14. “the most important person in this wedding is definitely himself”

    My wife’s youngest sister wanted a Jewish-style wedding. Instead, she got a Fundy preacher who gave one-hour sermon while the bride and groom stood waiting to exchange vows. My youngest son had gotten a new wristwatch and he timed it to precisely sixty minutes.

    In a Jewish wedding, the most important person is the bride. The second most important is usually her mother, followed by his, but at least the groom gets to be in the top five.

    1. Wow, an entire hour? Is it just considered worse form not to interrupt him and ask that he gets back on track? I would certainly be thinking about saying something if it happened to me. Fortunately, I don’t plan on having a Fundy wedding. 😎

        1. My husband was the best man at a wedding where the former pastor of the church, an old man, was asked to do the “charge to the couple”. He spoke so long that at one point he stopped and asked for someone to bring him a glass of water! My husband was wondering if he ought to step up and escort the old guy off so the wedding could continue.

    2. I was an Usher at a friend’s wedding several years ago, and the preacher went on so long that at first, the brides-maids slipped out of their shoes, and then finally sat down on the front pew! Shortly after that, we men did likewise, leaving the poor bride and groom on their own… (The thought had crossed our minds to get the couple some chairs, but by that time, the preacher said “and, finally” (unbeknownst to us, that meant another 10 minutes!)) πŸ™„

    1. Mine wasn’t quite that fundy, but had some characteristics of fundamentalism that led to my actually being there at the altar on that day. Second wedding was an elopement on the beach in Ocracoke with an officiant who got her credentials online. WOOT!

    2. We were married by an IFB preacher, but he was a good, humble man, NOT like the preacher described here.

      We are still married, 20+ years…

      We did do the wedding cheaply because there wasn’t a lot of money to spend. Small, country church that didn’t have a gymnasium.

      1. My wedding cost less than $500. Pretty cheap, and not beautiful. THe price I have to pay when I marry an unapproved husband. No matter he was a Christian, a PCC preacherboy… He was not THE ONE that my parents had chosen. No family members were at my wedding. But we did have fun holding the wedding at my husband’s church with all my college friends as our wedding party and no disapproving parents looking over my shoulder.

    3. 7 years and going strong… Our wedding was very fundy except for the sermon, which was short and sweet. All the other rules applied though. I really didn’t care. I always figured if I couldn’t have a wedding like the one in “The Sound of Music”, then it didn’t really matter and we might as well make my mom happy, since she cared very much about all the rules and details.

    4. We had a true fundy wedding, on graduation day at BJU. True to form, the night before I had to stay on campus, even though my parents were staying off campus with my aunt and uncle who worked at the university. And my mom worked on staff for 14 years before that!!! Still not good enough. *whatever* I still remember standing in line after graduation to turn in my cap and gown, asking if I could cut ahead of them because I was getting married in three hours.

      Then, off to a little country church where we got married and had a quick reception. Lots of things went wrong along the way, including a wedding crasher, but the main thing is — we got married!!! The rest just didn’t matter.

      Weird moment–we stayed in a nice hotel just out of town for the first night. The next morning we called a bellman to get our bags to take to our car. To my horror, the bellman and my hubby had been in the same classes together for their major!!! Fortunately he didn’t ask how long we’d been married or he would have known exactly what we’d been doing all night. 😳

  15. . . . And the wedding, of course, has to take place while the couple is either right out of high school or right out of college, depending on when they got to know each other and how long they’ve been able to contain themselves.

  16. My wedding gown was definitely not fundy or SBC approved. It was a HOT July day, and my corset-style bodice showed some ample cleavage. With only a 7 week engagement due to family logistics, I didn’t have much time to shop. I thought it was quite fashionable. Hubby was pleased, and that’s all that mattered. We rented a “community center” for the wedding & reception. The reception was a sin-fest w/a DJ and alcohol that pissed my Dad off, but my Catholic relatives and worldly friends had a blast! We paid for everything anyway.

    Interestingly, my youngest sister is my parent’s favorite child. She walked down the aisle in a Baptist church on the arm of my Baptist preacher dad w/a 4 month old baby and another on the way. But they had a Baptist reception w/sonogram pics by the guest book. Classy!

    Here’s a picture:

    1. Are you kidding?! I wasn’t allowed to be married in our fundy church because I was 5 months pregnant. I wasn’t allowed any bridesmaids or anything fancy. I had to wear a bridesmaid’s dress for a wedding dress because I wasn’t allowed to wear white (I wore silver.) According to those in charge of my life at that time, I didn’t deserve a real wedding – that privilege was taken away when I got pregnant.

      1. That is typical. Remember, my sister is the favorite child. My parents believe that God will kill her for her sins and they need to give into her to make every moment count.

        1. Jen, that is truly sad and horrible. My God is the one who welcomed home the prodigal with loving arms and a big party, not the god who sits around waiting for a reason to smite his/her minions.

      2. My cousin and his wife got married in her fundy church. She was pregnant and was allowed to wear cream but not white, and not allowed to wear a veil. They had to go in front of the church and ask forgiveness for their sin and ask permission to be married in the church. UGH. Makes me sick.

        1. I did have to go forward at the church and ask forgiveness, but we still couldn’t get married there. At least, that was my impression. I was told we had sinned against the church as a whole, and thus had to apologize to the whole. I’ve never figured out how I “sinned against the whole church” to this day…

        2. @Kate: the “sinning against the whole church” thing was breaking the church membership agreement; in that way, the entire church was let down.

        3. Sadly, many churches do not show the church member covenant to members as they join. Generically, they say that by joining the church, you are affirming that you are a Christian and intend, to the best of your ability, to live by Christian principles and be supportive of the church. (something like that).

        4. @ Kage

          I don’t remember agreeing to any kind of church membership agreement

          You probably didn’t even know you had been on “Double Secret probation either did you. 😯 πŸ˜‰

        5. george if you are going to tell people about their Double Secret probation then you should at least get their name right : “Kaje”

    1. Because fundy law is, there must be a sermon every time you step through the doors…even if it’s just for a “prayer service” or a youth group meeting.

  17. Darrell, you forgot the part about having to go to the managawd’s office a few weeks previous to the wedding for pre-martial counseling! Also, my brother is still stuck in fundyland and his wife is the designated person to inspect the bride and bridal party’s dresses before the ceremony to make sure the are up to standard. What a crock if you ask me!

      1. It depends on the circumstances and the MoG. Both participants grew up in the church? Four months of weekly meetings. Participants do not attend but are getting married in this church at the insistence of the bride’s parents? One meeting a week before hand and/or the night before the rehearsal.

    1. Some of it.

      But my whole wedding was 10 minutes long. Up. Down. Done.

      It’s a good thing because my wife and I both had the flu at the time. We actually stopped at Walmart on the way out of town to buy NyQuil. πŸ™‚

  18. 😳 I’m ashamed to say, we had “Your’s Forever” playing while we lit the unity candle. Let me tell you, that song is much (MUCH) longer than you realize.

      1. I had my 12 year old sister read a poem that I picked out. We knew we’d butt heads with the pastor about music we wanted played & we did NOT want the music director singing in our wedding. So this was our best option. It also helped shorten the ceremony a bit.

        1. I BEGGED my mom not to ask him to sing. I HATED his style (he liked to talk in between verses) She said he would be offended if he weren’t asked. Of course we wouldn’t want to offend…

  19. As someone who just recently had to attend a fundy wedding (family) I have a few observations from the blessed event. First, while not as fundy as many, it was still fundy.

    Out of tune piano – check

    Hymns being played during the processional and recessional on out of tune piano – check

    Some awful fundy love song being sung by a slightly sharp soprano with a lovely hairdo from 1992 while being accompanied by out of tune piano – check

    Pastor evoking the memory of his recently deceased mother during his sermon to the bride and groom – check

    Bride and groom kissing for the first time with a peck that had less passion than two straight men kissing – check (lips literally touched for about 1 tenth of a second)

    Bride and groom followup first peck/kiss with a side hug with faces turned away from each other – check

    Long uncomfortable reception in fellowship hall with no beer, no music, no dancing, and no fun – check

    1. As I’m not married, this is hypothetical, but the only “Christian song” I’d consider having outside of maybe one congregational hymn is “Cherish the Treasure” by Steve Green. Otherwise it’s gonna be Buble, the Temptations, Howie Day, etc. And if I can find a way to work in Eminem, well……. :mrgreen:

    2. First kiss EVER was a peck? Side hug?? Super awkward! I’m gonna go out on a limb and predict that the awkwardness probably didn’t end when they left the church…

  20. I was such a rebel. 😈 We had “All of Me” by Stryper played on accoustic guitar as the bridesmaids walked in. And one of the songs we had sung was “I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You” since my husband and I met online and communicated 6 months before we met in person. πŸ˜› My dress was probably considered modest, but as the day went on, the neckline got lower and lower. 😳 It was a great day even if/maybe because my mom and her husband didn’t come.

  21. *rolls on floor laughing*
    *stands up, continue reading*
    “there shall be a reception held in the church gymnasium. ”
    *dies laughing*

    I JUST attended a fundy wedding last week!

    Her dress was really very pretty. The back had an obvious insert, but gorgeous.

    And yes, there was an organ and piano, with the song “Only God Could Love You More.” While the preacher didn’t “preach” long, or really much at all except for praising the couple for “doing it right,” he did make some thinly veiled comments about some OTHER people who have rejected the church. Or something along those lines.

    And yes, reception in the gym πŸ˜• Why why WHY?? Some calm instrumental music, and dancing of course. Ahhh I am SO dancing at my wedding πŸ˜› A good choreographed, ballroom style dance. Ahhhh.

    1. OMG! For a moment I forget about the “inserts”! Snort! Mine would have required an insert up to 2 fingerwidths below the clavicle and sleeves.

    2. I had my wedding reception in the church gymnasium for financial reasons. I didn’t make much money at the time, she didn’t make much money at the time, and neither of our families had a lot of money to throw at a wedding. Add to that the fact that weddings can often cost $10,000-$20,000 in my area, and we just didn’t see the point in spending as much as we would on a new car for a party that would last just a few hours.

  22. ugh. . .this post is so funny because it’s true. I got stuck w/ piano, classical music, & hymns. I’m glad I avoided “Yours Forever”. Oh, the premarital counseling we got pretty much sucked too. But, we’re still married and happily so!

  23. If I were getting married now, I would have an outdoor wedding. (with a good indoor backup, of course, depending on the weather) I wouldn’t even have it in a church. Maybe a nice cookout as the reception. It sounds a bit country, even though I am not really a true country boy. I just hate the idea of spending tons of money on a single day. I hate that we spent as much as we did, even though it was cheap by most people’s standards.

    Yep, we had “Yours Forever” sung at our wedding, by my sister and bro-in-law. I know that my wife wanted some other songs, but they wouldn’t have been approved by the church’s music pastor. I don’t remember what they were.

  24. I was teaching at FundyU when I got engaged but had the wedding at my home non-IFB church, so there was no dress code imposed on me. I made the mistake, however, of looking for a dress at a shop owned by a former FundyU employee. When she found out where I worked, she thought she knew what kind of dress I wanted. I politely explained that I did not want to be completely covered up, yet she persisted in showing me pictures from the Mormon wedding dress designers. I took my business and my collarbones elsewhere.

    1. “your collarbones…” YES! Only in fundydom is the area immediately below the throat (HIGH above the cleavage!!!) considered in any way provocative.

      1. I remember a movie where one of the actors said, “You know, if when God kicked Adam and Eve out of Eden he had given Eve earmuffs and Adam gloves… Mankind’s sexual history would be filled with guys wanting to stick their fingers in women’s ears.”

        1. Thanks very much.

          I now have a permanent stitch from laughing so hard.

  25. “And all shall rejoice that another fundy man has gathered to himself an helpmeet for to serve him all the days of his life.”

    That one phrase has been abused by many a fundy to dominate and control his wife. I find it interesting that when Christ came to earth, his purpose was to serve His bride. Granted, there should be service the husband and wife, but I believe that this fact is greatly ignored by fundies.

  26. This cracked me…which is why I married in a historic building that was no longer an active church, and while a minister married us, I demanded he not “preach” a sermon nor do that super-corny…”this is a ring, it is round and unbroken, symbolizing everlasting love…blah, blah, blah.”

    He still got nervous and attempted to do some of the “this is a ring…it is round” crap…but he didn’t do the whole thing. I think he was just used to people with zero taste requesting this analogy.

    And then…a bridesmaid fainted, so perhaps that was punishment for refusing a sermon and a “this is a round ring” speech…

  27. If we could do parts of our wedding all over again, we would. We were married in my parents’ IFB church. I was a member but only to not ruffle feathers & didn’t consider it “my” church. Anyway, as soon as we got engaged we asked my hubby’s brother-in-law to do our wedding. And we wanted him to do all of it. This did not go over well with my parents. It was a long battle that we would not back down on. Eventually, BIL couldn’t do it because the air force stationed him out of state & he had no leave time. So the fundy pastor got to do our ceremony afterall.

    When I had my talk with the pastor on what I could & could not do, I know modesty was brought up. They didn’t ask to see my dress & I’m sure there were some shocked people at my open back. The neckline was high so that was ok with them I’m sure. But the pastor did tell me to not choose bridesmaids dresses that were strapless or spaghetti straps.

    One of my biggest regrets is that I asked the pastor of all people to help put together a slide show for me as a gift to our parents. He had recently done one for his daughter so I thought that was a good idea. I gave him lots of pictures of me & my hubby as kids & then pics of us while dating. Then he tells me he didn’t use some pics because some folk in the church hold different standards on physical contact & didn’t want to offend anyone. So there weren’t that many pics of us together afterall & the ones that he approved were basically during our final semester at BJU. So of course those were fine!

  28. At my ex-Fundy church, the pastor’s daughter (who, in my book, was rather hip, haha) had a fundy wedding. Her dress could be construed as questionable, but everything else fell into line with fundamentalism. I will always remember her saying, “I want my wedding to be an outreach to my fiance’s lost family members.”

    Ugh. I mean, I get her concern, but few come to a wedding to hear a sermon unless you’re already fundy. I’m sure they’re more inclined to listen to the gospel post building a real relationship.

  29. This is waaaay more truth than fiction. I’ve been to more than one fundy wedding where divorce was preached against at length. At one, the pastor pontificated for some time about the fact that he refuses to perform a ceremony for anyone who has been married and is now divorced…no exceptions…and he even told a somewhat inappropriate story to illustrate his point. All this in the middle of the wedding ceremony. Eeesh.

    1. Yep – Serves those backsliders right. No matter what you got divorced for – no marriage for you…Next! I guess they’ll just have to burn (with lust) or fornicate from now on. Doesn’t matter what the bible says – hey that preacher has got some standards..bless gawd !#@$%@%^$@$

      oops, kinda got a little sideways there.

  30. I went to a wedding for one of my wife’s friends, and my brother in-law was the pastor at the wedding (the ceremony was held at my brother in-law’s Assemblies of God church). Apparently, several members of the bride’s family had been divorced, which prompted my brother in-law to emphasize during his “sermon” that marriage is for life. He made it a point to repeat the “for life” part at least three times while looking out at the bride’s family pointedly.

    At the time, I was drinking enough of the kool-aid to think to myself, “Yeah, you tell ’em pastor! Preach it!” Now, I just realize what a judgmental jerk my brother in-law was about the whole thing, and how angry I would have been if I had been the bride or the groom, or a member of either of their families that day.

  31. I was just at a Christian/IFB wedding. It turned out just like this, but there was one thing that made my night.

    The brides matron of honer (her younger sister) was giving the toast. These were her exact words: “Sis, Mom and I can’t wait for grand kids, so go hop on that.”

    She, of course, didn’t mean it that way, but I, of course, busted up laughing. What was sad was that most of the people around me had to ask the person next to them why I was laughing. Hello, you tell someone to go have kids and use the phrase “hop on it.” I don’t care who you are that is funny. πŸ˜€

    1. Yes, we had a kneeling bench (part of the “hardware” – assorted brass fixtures for the wedding). It was padded thankfully as the prayer took at least 5 minutes.

  32. The chorus immediately disqualifies the song from being appropriate for Father’s Day: “Your forever, only yours; I’ll be yours forever.” You NEVER say that to your dad. The Bible tells us to leave our father and mother and cleave to our spouse.

  33. “[A]nd the music shall be that of the strings and the organ and the piano…”

    “And if it be that the Organ shall be utilized, it shall in no wise be played in a grand or jubilant manner, as is the custom in the churches of the wicked Episcopalians, who are lovers of pomp more than lovers of God. The Organ must be played with ye Shaking Stoppe, or ye Vibrato, as it is known, and in no wise shall the music be different from a Funeral.”

    1. “… And therefore, musique that is played for the bride to enter and the couple to depart shall be that from operas of the previous century that glorify deception and/or being under a spell so that thou shalt not know that thou has married a jack**s until the next morning.” πŸ˜‰

  34. In my brand of fundyism, it was just as important for the groom to wear a white tuxedo as it was for the woman to wear a white dress, since they were both supposed to be pure.

    Thankfully I got married at my wife’s church.

  35. Darrell,
    Thank you so much for the wonderful ideas! I am scrambling to get stuff done for my wedding to Titus in December.

    My mother thinks we should not light candles because that seems either New Age or Catholic. So, we will probably just sing to each other.

    1. OMG! I love that “your mother” is going to deny you having a unity candle, and blames it on New Age & Catholics! Dastardly schemers they are!

    2. You know, the wiccans have ceremonies with candles. If you dressed your bridesmaids up as troll dolls (complete with fluorescent hair) you could have a REALLY awesome wedding!!!

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