Monthly Archives: September 2010

People, Standards

Standards for Ministry Staff

100 Comments

Welcome to our ministry staff! We think you’ll find this a great place to work and won’t it just be lovely to work around Christians all day long instead of having to rub elbows with those worldly people and their terrible language and stories about drinking? Oh, by the way, staff devotions are at 7:00 sharp, be sure to bring your list of prayer requests!

Why here at Heartbeat Of America Baptist Bible School you’ll never have to worry about someone cursing in front of you or telling an off-color joke and you’ll know that everyone is doing their very best because not only is the boss watching but Jesus is too! The boss, however, will be the one writing people up for having verse screen savers in the wrong version. You’ll find that on page 107 of the staff handbook…

Oh, have you gotten a copy of the staff handbook? Yes, the size of it can be a little intimidating but it’s all really quite necessary. We don’t want people to have to go through the pain of deciding for what to do themselves so we try to include rules for every possible situation. This way you’ll never have to worry.

What’s that? Page 86? Ah, yes a lot of people ask about that one. Well, let’s just say that you happened to be home at night and there was a fire and you had to quickly run out of your house wearing a pair of pants. Some firefighter might see you and know you worked for us and everyone’s testimony would suffer. So it’s just better for all of us if you let us decide what you wear at home as well as work, don’t you think?

Oh, yes, page 87 is quite a popular one too. Now we’re not really saying that watching PG movies is wrong for everyone but we want the people in our ministry to be part of a HIGHER STANDARD. You know, after all, that being in a ministry makes you even more accountable to God than being a normal person. So we just put those rules in place make sure nobody every mistakes you for being normal.

Well, let me show you where you’ll be working. We do have to keep the air conditioning turned up to 93 in order to save on power bills, I’m sure you understand it’s all part of being a good steward. And you’ll want to make sure you ask your supervisor permission before going to the bathroom because we do try to make sure that everyone honors the Lord with their diligence. Starting tomorrow you’ll also need to bring in your own paper towels.

Welcome! We’re so glad that you’re here.

Odds and Ends

Taxonomy

48 Comments

I was walking across a bridge recently. I spied this guy who looked like he was ready to jump off. So, I thought I’d try to stall him until authorities showed up (or at least until I had time to ready my camera). “Don’t jump!” I said.

“Why not? Nobody loves me.”

“God loves you,” I said. “You believe in God, don’t you?”

“Yes, I believe in God.”

“Good,” I said. “Are you Christian or Jewish?”

“Christian.”

“Me too!” I said. “Protestant or Catholic?”

“Neither,” he said.

“What then?”

“Baptist,” he said.

“Me, too!” I said. “Independent Baptist or Southern Baptist?”

“Independent Baptist.”

“Me too!” I said. “New Evangelical/Moderate Independent Baptist or Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Conservative Independent Baptist.”

“Me too!” I said. “Dispenstional Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist or Historical Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist.”

“Me too!” I said. “Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillenial Conservative Independent Baptist or For Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillenial Conservative Independent Baptist.”

“Me too!” I said. “Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillenial Conservative Independent Baptist or Strict Separation of Church and State Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist.”

“Me too!” I said. “Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist
Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist or Anti-Disney Boycott Pro-Choice Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist.”

“Me too!” I said. “KJV Only Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist or Modern Versions Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist?”

“Actually, I’m NASB-PREFERRED Pro-Disney Boycott Pro-Life Unashamed Fundamentalist Against Women in Ministry Dispensational Premillennial Conservative Independent Baptist.”

“Auugghh!!! You heretic!” I said. And I pushed him over.

— Adapted by reader KindOfBored from a very old joke

Doctrine, Odds and Ends

Finding Sin In The Camp

92 Comments

Once upon an Old Testament time there was a man named Achan who ignored God’s orders and took a five-fingered discount on some bling while plundering and pillaging the city of Jericho. The end result was that a bunch of people died because he had brought sin into the camp.

The cry of “there’s sin in the camp” is one that’s greatly loved by fundamentalists as a reason why bad things are happening or good ones aren’t. After all, God may want to do a great and mighty work here but that dime novel you’ve got hidden in the corn crib is standing in His way! Get the sin out of the camp!

The “I got the sin out of the camp” tale is a favorite type of war story for evangelists. It seems that evangelists are given a special gift of looking down into the audience and seeing which specific person is the reason why revival hasn’t broken out in a service. So the evangelist’s job is to preach harder and harder until that person finally breaks down and repents in tears. The very next night 5,378 people will get saved because they got the SIN OUT OF THE CAMP! Glory!

In the realm of fundamentalist guilt trips this is a very powerful one because it puts the malefactor in the position of being guilty not only for his own sin but also for being the instrument of other people’s destruction. Nothing beats the feeling of sitting in a revival service wracking your brain to see if there’s something you did that might be keeping revival from busting out all over.

Strangely enough, little things like a pastor’s affair or a deacon’s tax fraud never stop “revival” from happening.  It’s always hidden rock music and secret trips to the movies. Weird how that works.

Doctrine

Michael & Debi Pearl

157 Comments

Michael and Debi Pearl are the creative force behind No Greater Joy ministries, a source for all the resources discerning fundamentalists needs to end up in jail for beating their children.

Who knew that a book called Smack That Child Until She Stops Whimpering could end up having such terrible consequences? Ah, well. those kids probably deserved it.

Ah, but the insanity doesn’t just stop with with their child rearing advice. Here are a few video jewels from Michael’s video series where he answers Bible questions…

I don’t drink but after watching that mess, I’m thinking that it’s never too late to start. And yet many, many fundamentalists will quote these folks as the final authority on child rearing. It boggles the imagination.