Car Codes of Conduct

Since its inception, the primary purpose of the automobile has always been to provide venue for pastors to lose their testimonies. It may also (as a strictly secondary function) provide some modicum of useful transportation.

It is a well known fact in fundamentalism that even the most restrained and moderate of people lose all self-control once they set foot in a motor vehicle. Unless carefully monitored, riding in a car with a member of the opposite sex can lead to fornication, drunkenness, and head-on collisions with trains — possibly all three at the same time.

In the interest of preventing these unfortunate occurrences, the following rules should be observed by any fundamentalists who intends to travel by automobile.

– Pastors should never enter a car with a woman. Ever. If that means leaving her to be eaten by wolves then so be it. Your ministry is too important to risk.

– If two people who are dating should happen to need to travel together for sanctioned ministry purposes such as traveling too and from Bible college, they must travel in no smaller vehicle than a 15 passenger van and be seated for maximum separation distance between them. Please consult the following chart:

– If two people are currently pretending not to be dating so they can sit together on the long, long missions trip to Mexico they must be separated at all times by the width of a King James Bible (Wide Margin, Oxford Press, 1769 edition, 3rd printing).

– Chaperons shall be strategically placed in the vehicle in such a manner that all hands, feet, elbows, and knees are in plain view at all times. If a chaperon is unavailable this task may be relegated to a child who has demonstrated great alacrity in the tattling department.

– Every trip shall begin with a prayer in which the driver shall make it clear to all within earshot that the continued safety of all passengers from accident or freak avalanche depends on the above rules being kept with utmost vigor.

Observe these rules well and it may be possible to keep the inevitable vehicular orgies to a bare minimum. And keep an eye out for those oncoming trains.

63 thoughts on “Car Codes of Conduct”

  1. @Jonsgrl

    No drinking, no orgies, just sneaking a kiss behind a building or listening to “rock music”

    Are you s-u-r-e you went to a fundy school??? 🙂

  2. Oh my word. The Bible-length rule. That’s a real thing?! I’ve never actually come in contact with that one, but an older, married friend of mine (60s, I mean) told me a hilarious story before about how, many years before, a friend of hers and her very serious boyfriend were traveling in the backseat of a car with a very strict husband and wife. So of course the girl and her boyfriend were sitting next to each other. Well, pretty soon the man stops the car by the side of the road, pops the trunk, gets out, pulls a massive Bible out of the trunk, and proceeds to plop it between them, informing them that “In our car, ladies and gentlemen are not allowed to sit next to one another unless they’re engaged!” The guy was almost ready to propose to the girl right then and there, but unfortunately didn’t–would’ve made for an even better story!

    But that’s the only time I’d ever heard of this. I seriously thought it was just an isolated occurrence!

  3. This is funny! I remember lots of this goofy stuff. But you forgot one car code of conduct taught at my fundy church in the 70’s. “A wife must not get out of the car until the husband has gotten out first and walked around to the other side to open the door for her first. After opening the door for the wife and showing the world how Christian men should act…then the wife is allowed to get out of the car.”

    1. We actually had a CLASS in High School called “Comportment” or something like that that covered things like how to enter and exit a vehicle gracefully keeping knees together and skirt down so as not to show our knees to the gallant gentleman holding the door (whose eyes were to be averted if he knew what was good for him) We even went out to the parking lot to practice it during class time.

      1. Oh that is SAD, so sad. First they force women to wear skirts and dresses and then they have to have special careful ways to get into and out of a vehicle because skirts and dresses can be imodest while doing so, and they actually waste H.S. class time on teaching that instead of something that would benefit the students in the real world. I love “keeping the orgies to a minimum”. 🙄

  4. “…- If two people are currently pretending not to be dating so they can sit together on the long, long missions trip to Mexico they must be separated at all times by the width of a King James Bible (Wide Margin, Oxford Press, 1769 edition, 3rd printing)…:

    Gracious!!! How Flamingly Liberal!!! To be truly “in-line” and in “correct behaviour” male and female shall be assigned to separate buses, and in no case shall there be any visual contact between said buses, except by vans operated by leadership and carrying victuals and literature to be handed out. At rest stops, the buses and occupants thereof shall be segregated to different areas, lest there be any chance of a glimpse of the opposite s-x, and a testimony be destroyed therewith…

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